[INFJ] Common INFJ issues

[FemMecha]

Here's a question for other INFJs. When social pressure is in conflict with your values, how to you behave? How would you behave in this scenario.

Sitting in a psychology class, the professor wants students to re-enact the Standford based Stanley Miligram test where a researcher asks one participant to sit at a desk and push a button to inflict an electric shock on another participant which they cannot see. They are to inflict a shock anytime the other participant gets an answer wrong. They are told this person has a heart condition, and they hear expressions of pain in response to pushing the button. The researcher comes out periodically saying 'the experiment must continue', and increases the shock each time.

Well, he asked me to re-enact pushing the button, and while I realize it is funny and there is no possibility of inflicting pain, still I didn't want to do it. It was against my will, and if I had gone along for the sake of being appropriate in class and obeying the professor, I would have left the class wondering if I would have been among the 80% who went through with the experiment. Instead I just sat there and smiled a bit awkardly. In one instance when the professor came out and said 'the experiment must continue' I made a joke and said, 'perhaps you two should switch places', which is what I would think in the pretend or real context. Anyway, I left class feeling peace that the ability to endure that level of social awkwardness, even stick-in-the-mud social behavior, in order to maintain the integrity of my will, meant it is more likely I would have integrity in a more real situation. Would any of you do that or do it seem like being silly and rigid in a context that was only a joke.

 

[Eilonwy]

Here's a question for other INFJs. When social pressure is in conflict with your values, how to you behave? How would you behave in this scenario.

Sitting in a psychology class, the professor wants students to re-enact the Standford based Stanley Miligram test where a researcher asks one participant to sit at a desk and push a button to inflict an electric shock on another participant which they cannot see. They are to inflict a shock anytime the other participant gets an answer wrong. They are told this person has a heart condition, and they hear expressions of pain in response to pushing the button. The researcher comes out periodically saying 'the experiment must continue', and increases the shock each time.

Well, he asked me to re-enact pushing the button, and while I realize it is funny and there is no possibility of inflicting pain, still I didn't want to do it. It was against my will, and if I had gone along for the sake of being appropriate in class and obeying the professor, I would have left the class wondering if I would have been among the 80% who went through with the experiment. Instead I just sat there and smiled a bit awkardly. In one instance when the professor came out and said 'the experiment must continue' I made a joke and said, 'perhaps you two should switch places', which is what I would think in the pretend or real context. Anyway, I left class feeling peace that the ability to endure that level of social awkwardness, even stick-in-the-mud social behavior, in order to maintain the integrity of my will, meant it is more likely I would have integrity in a more real situation. Would any of you do that or do it seem like being silly and rigid in a context that was only a joke.

If you didn't feel comfortable, even though it was a joke, then you did what was right for you. I don't think you were being silly or rigid.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Here's a question for other INFJs. When social pressure is in conflict with your values, how to you behave? How would you behave in this scenario.

Sitting in a psychology class, the professor wants students to re-enact the Standford based Stanley Miligram test where a researcher asks one participant to sit at a desk and push a button to inflict an electric shock on another participant which they cannot see. They are to inflict a shock anytime the other participant gets an answer wrong. They are told this person has a heart condition, and they hear expressions of pain in response to pushing the button. The researcher comes out periodically saying 'the experiment must continue', and increases the shock each time.

Well, he asked me to re-enact pushing the button, and while I realize it is funny and there is no possibility of inflicting pain, still I didn't want to do it. It was against my will, and if I had gone along for the sake of being appropriate in class and obeying the professor, I would have left the class wondering if I would have been among the 80% who went through with the experiment. Instead I just sat there and smiled a bit awkardly. In one instance when the professor came out and said 'the experiment must continue' I made a joke and said, 'perhaps you two should switch places', which is what I would think in the pretend or real context. Anyway, I left class feeling peace that the ability to endure that level of social awkwardness, even stick-in-the-mud social behavior, in order to maintain the integrity of my will, meant it is more likely I would have integrity in a more real situation. Would any of you do that or do it seem like being silly and rigid in a context that was only a joke.

So long as it seems like no one is actually getting hurt, I might detach and go through the motions- but it makes me immediately plan my escape from the situation, it makes me (probably mostly even unconsciously) averse to participating in situations where something similiar might happen again, and in the aftermath I tend to too easily withdraw and/or get overwhelmed with sadness or depression.

The thing is, there's so many knots to untangle in the phrase "no one is actually getting hurt". The Milgram experiment revealed a very ugly truth (scientifically!) about human nature. Many people have been traumatized by this ugly truth, in some form. So even just walking through the motions of it can trigger someone, and I'd have to know the people involved in the reenactment AND feel confident they are not the kind of people to feel at all traumatized before pushing that button myself. But THAT is the kind of realization I usually have afterwards- it's usually practically impossible for me to articulate something like that immediately (it's getting better as I get older, but it's still difficult), and when I'm in an environment where people are mocking the idea that someone can actually get hurt by a reenactment....I can see myself caving and (angrily) going through with it. And then spending the next week stewing in my own juices to understand wth just happened. And likely going up to anyone involved in the reeactment, who might possibly have been triggered/disturbed, and expressed how weird it was and all that (get a feel for how much it might be necessary to say more).

 

[Hypatia]

Yeah, this thread is a bunch of bullshit.

 

[FemMecha]

I don't know how other INFJs respond to bratty behavior, but I mostly ignore it. If I were a cavewoman, I would tend to take people like that out at the knees. When someone acts that way it occurs to me that they must have had a lot of pampering in their lives and are in need of a serious reality check. I call tell the difference between behavior that is based on the anger of having faced difficulties in life and the bratty snarks of someone who has been way too indulged and actually needs to experience a little hurt to get their head on straight.

 

[1487610420]

infj

 

[geedoenfj]

infj

That's deep

 

[1487610420]

That's deep

twss

 

[FemMecha]

infj

True enough. And true enough for each personality type.

 

[Littleclaypot]

Wow, a lot of this really spoke to me, but especially having long gaps in correspondence. I am notorious for this and some of my extrovert type friends don't get it. They understand I don't mean to disappear but I still feel guilty about it. Sometimes I just can't help it and need to hide out for awhile. Anyone else feel this way, and if so, how do you cope?

 

[virtualinsanity]

Wow, a lot of this really spoke to me, but especially having long gaps in correspondence. I am notorious for this and some of my extrovert type friends don't get it. They understand I don't mean to disappear but I still feel guilty about it. Sometimes I just can't help it and need to hide out for awhile. Anyone else feel this way, and if so, how do you cope?

This sounds just like me. Friends will get mad and impatient for you neglecting a conversation or leaving them. A lot of them seem like they want to talk all day. I love talking to my friends but sometimes, you do need a little break from it. What I've been trying to do is not lose track of time and remember when I've gone too long without answering. I think it can look selfish, although that's not our aim.

 

[meowington]

Wow, a lot of this really spoke to me, but especially having long gaps in correspondence. I am notorious for this and some of my extrovert type friends don't get it. They understand I don't mean to disappear but I still feel guilty about it. Sometimes I just can't help it and need to hide out for awhile. Anyone else feel this way, and if so, how do you cope?

Yes very familiar. Not necessarily in terms of correspondence (but that happens too) but more in terms of staying in touch overall. All my friends know this by now and respect that without taking it personally. I had to explain this need for alone time to one friend in particular and ever since he totally understands. The less people pressure me to go out and do something, the more likely I'll actually show up.

 

[Littleclaypot]

This sounds just like me. Friends will get mad and impatient for you neglecting a conversation or leaving them. A lot of them seem like they want to talk all day. I love talking to my friends but sometimes, you do need a little break from it. What I've been trying to do is not lose track of time and remember when I've gone too long without answering. I think it can look selfish, although that's not our aim.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I guess all we can do is be more mindful of it.. I just hate for someone to think of me as a "bad friend," ya know?

 

[Littleclaypot]

Yes very familiar. Not necessarily in terms of correspondence (but that happens too) but more in terms of staying in touch overall. All my friends know this by now and respect that without taking it personally. I had to explain this need for alone time to one friend in particular and ever since he totally understands. The less people pressure me to go out and do something, the more likely I'll actually show up.

Yes!! Staying in touch is hard.. I just don't feel the need sometimes. I've really been having this problem with family lately. Particular family members try to drag me into their problems and I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. I also hate that pressure to go out, too!

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I'm just a little bit impressed by this INFJ description, annoying site graphics notwithstanding. Some of the things are dead on.

Things like this:

INFJs are often perfectionistic, looking for ultimate compatibility, and yet also look for someone with whom they can grow and improve in tandem. Needless to say, this is a tall order, and INFJs should try to remember that they are a particularly rare personality type their thinking process is just going to be different from most people around them and it's alienating and will always be somewhat alienating, and even if they find someone compatible in that sense, the odds that they will also share every interest are slim. If they don’t learn to meet others halfway and recognize that the kind of self-improvement and depth they demand is simply exhausting for many types, INFJs are likely end up abandoning healthy friendships in their infancy, in search of more perfect compatibilities.​

(ftfy, 16personalities)

I think it's funny the work "compatibility" came up, because it seems to be such an INFJ buzzword in this forum. So either this person has read this forum or it really is a universal INFJ buzzword. (Or some third option that's not occurring to me. Point is, INFJs gots to have the compatibilitys.)

The things under the "career paths" and "workplace habits" tabs struck a chord too.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Guys... I'm struggling, or more accurately, frustrated. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this, but I'm worried I'm not gonna find a romantic life partner worthy of me but who also finds me worthy of them. I need advice on how I can quit obsessing over this. Please note my types, lol... knowing them helps me feel more "normal" or at least typical in behavior, but I'm still embarrassed by my desire/preoccupation with finding Mr. Right. I'm working towards developing hobbies and healthier habits, but ffs, this problem is at my core and I don't know what to do about it. I know I shouldn't stay single forever by pushing guys away, but I also know I can't be crazy picky either, right??? The hard part is that I'm actually very socially anxious, so tips like "join a group" or "meet new people through friends" are completely out for me atm. Online dating is... ugh... depressing, discouraging, and also how I met my last ex, so leaves a bad taste in my mouth. (I do finally feel about 80% over my ex, so that is at least a positive growth milestone).

To be clear, I'm more frustrated than desperate, more anxious than lonely, more confused than depressed. I'm not sure that's any better, lol, but I'm no longer some sad sack of shit.

Also, I think men are intimidated by me, especially the types I like (introverted intuitive types). Do you think I'd intimidate guys and make it too hard for them to approach me??? Also, I'm open to suggestions for what types you guys think would be a good match for me, even though I have some ideas of my own (no, not just INFJ either).

Thanks guys!!! (Insert awkward joke to lighten the mood and distract from my transparency/vulnerability)

 

[Peter Deadpan]

^^^Already regretting this post.

 

[Abendrot]

I'm worried I'm not gonna find a romantic life partner worthy of me but who also finds me worthy of them. I need advice on how I can quit obsessing over this.

First of all, I like the way you think about "worthiness". It is very similar to my outlook.

I think you are placing undue importance on a relationship with a man. I say that the best way to work it out is to solve your issues first, and then find someone you can share your happiness with. My belief is that happy people become happier in a relationship, and miserable people become more miserable. Therefore the priority should be happiness first, relationship second. Well, I think this advice generally applies for men, but it might be a bit of a stretch for women. Still, maybe you need to take it easy (or at least, easier than you are taking it right now), and look for relationships to arise more naturally.

To be clear, I'm more frustrated than desperate, more anxious than lonely, more confused than depressed. I'm not sure that's any better, lol, but I'm no longer some sad sack of shit.

That's good. Cut yourself some slack for making progress, and encourage yourself to keep it up.

this problem is at my core and I don't know what to do about it.

Is there a more fundamental issue that you are not discussing?

Do you think I'd intimidate guys and make it too hard for them to approach me?

I don't think you are intimidating. You are very open and approachable, actually. If a man is intimidated by you, he is probably not worth your time.

The hard part is that I'm actually very socially anxious, so tips like "join a group" or "meet new people through friends" are completely out for me atm.

Really? I would never have guessed from the antics you pull on this forum.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

First of all, I like the way you think about "worthiness". It is very similar to my outlook.

I think you are placing undue importance on a relationship with a man. I say that the best way to work it out is to solve your issues first, and then find someone you can share your happiness with. My belief is that happy people become happier in a relationship, and miserable people become more miserable. Therefore the priority should be happiness first, relationship second. Well, I think this advice generally applies for men, but it might be a bit of a stretch for women. Still, maybe you need to take it easy (or at least, easier than you are taking it right now), and look for relationships to arise more naturally.



That's good. Cut yourself some slack for making progress, and encourage yourself to keep it up.



Is there a more fundamental issue that you are not discussing?

Not really, besides basic self-esteem issues. I think I'm at a point where my awareness of my issues is actually of benefit to me though. They're not as destructive anymore. (These are core 4 fears, and I think Sx makes me more preoccupied with desire/intensity)

I don't think you are intimidating. You are very open, actually. If a guy is intimidated by you, he is probably not worth your time.

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

Really? I would never have guessed from the antics you pull on this forum.

Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm like this on Facebook too, but the Internet is a pretty safe place to let loose. I'm also like this with my closest friends, but with others I appear almost 5-ish at times (shocking, I know). The thing with social anxiety is that it's not predictable, so I have no idea which side of me will present in social situations. I can be painfully awkward/quiet or the life of the party.

 

[Purple INFJ]

Do you guys think Aux Fe can be triggered through Tert Ti?