My living room:
1)Delayed processing time - INFJs often seem to be basing their responses to the person in question on the last interaction they had with them, more often than the current one. They prefer to have time to think things over, which is why it's not a great idea to try to push an INFJ into making a decision before they feel they have had enough time to mull everything that has been brought up.
Not much to add. I don't do terribly well in real-time-resolution or interaction/discussion of interpersonal issues/conflict. I need time apart to 1)Figure out what the hell my thoughts ARE, and analyze/sort through them, 2) Figure out my feelings, as they might be jumbled up/contradictory, 3)Unravel my perceptions to assess whether they're 'justified' or not, &etc. I also dislike, and am physically unable to, much of the time, hashing things out before I've thought through all of it, because I don't want to be premature in my assessments. I don't like backtracking, and I also really don't like showing a totally momentary feeling that I know will very likely change in an hour or two.
2) Need for resolution - What may look to some like being nitpicky or unforgiving or even holding onto the past often has more to do with their need to get everything put away in it's proper place before closing the chapter on it. Without doing so, it keeps coming up again and again.
Not sure about this. All I know is that yes, I'm very closure-oriented, and very much need people to be on the same page. I actually don't like holding onto things in the past, though. It feels like a dead weight. I like moving forward.
3) Considering every hobby, person or idea expressed as an extension of themselves - INFJs tend to be very self-protective, and rarely bring something up unless they have already implemented it into their main framework of thought or affection. Therefore when any of these things are dismissed or mocked, they will feel it as a personal rejection, unlike someone who tends to verbalize new ideas out loud. Similarly, INFJs will sometimes be confused by someone who seemed committed to a thought or a plan, only to abandon it later.
I can't say I relate so much to being personally upset/offended/hurt if someone rejects, say, a musician I like, or whatever. That sort of thing doesn't bother me, as I am aware things of that nature are highly subjective - just as I might really loathe a type of music someone else loves, I expect the same in turn.
More directly related to what you wrote though, pretty much anything I say is something I've put a lot of thought into. So I'm not one who brainstorms stuff or says something one day and a week later sings a different tune. That can confuse me from others, but I've learned certain types are very much the opposite of me in this regard.
4) Dislike of emotional surprises - this leads INFJs to sometimes inconvenience others in their effort to know what to expect. I'm fine with a change of plans, but find it harder to quickly adjust to someone's sudden annoyance, to a change in something I had really been hoping for/counting on etc. Makes me more likely to try to be the one to take on any inconvenience because that is more predictable. I also tend to need to watch a situation for awhile (either social or skillwise) before I am comfortable jumping in. I think with maturity we can become less focussed on their own reactions and feelings and also realize that someone else being upset is not the very worst that can happen. Sometimes avoiding that happening actually creates more conflict.
Relate to elements of this; not sure it's super extreme for me though.
5) Hold those close to them to a higher degree of accountability than those that are less important to them - This may seem judgemental and unfair, but because those close to them are an extension of their own self, integrity is paramount to them and they choose to invest heavily in a few close relationships, they expect more of those people than they do of casual acquaintance friends. When they feel you are worth risking conflict with and you start hearing the negatives about yourself as well as the positives, you're in!
Think this is true. I only invest in those I really value/trust/like, and I suppose my 'standards' for who I want in my life, on a deep & meaningful & continuous/longterm level0 are somewhat high. So what I might let slide with random people -- by the very fact that I am *not* emotionally/socially invested in them -- I would not let slide with those closer to me.
6) Easily embarrassed and quite private - May mean that they take awhile before talking about something that is painful to them. This doesn't mean they don't care about the support you could give them. It's just that they need to get it thought out in a framework and untangled before they are ready to be more open. I tend to talk about it more after I think I'm going to be alright.
Yeah, true.
7) Long gaps in correspondance or putting off a job that matters a lot - This seems to be linked to wanting to do an excellent job of it and feeling overwhelmed by the amount of time or effort or organization required. The longer it is put off, the worse we feel. As a result, it is usually my most valued friends that I correspond with least. Usually I try to overcome this by phoning them, catching up on the bulk of it, and then writing the rest.
Don't exactly relate. Honestly the 'wanting to do an excellent job' piece might be more strongly correlated to enneagram.
As for putting off things that 'matter', not sure. I do know that the way I operate/approach things means that I might appear to be doing a whole lot of nothing for a while, even though in my mind I'm subconsciously letting things percolate/unfold so as to figure out the optimal way of doing it. Then when I actually go for it I'm totally productive and get it done really quickly.
I tend to procrastinate on really chore-like things that I hate/resent doing - getting a drivers license renewed, running errands, and the like.
I am guilty of gaps in correspondence, though. I attribute this to my sense of time being weirdly off; also, the fact that the nature of my close friendships is such that we don't need to touch base super regularly, nor do I view it as a 'sign' that I don't still care for them - neither takes it personally. We catch up immediately where we left off.
8) Not creating clear enough boundaries for people around them - there's a tendancy to respond to those who are most actively demanding attention, especially when younger. Also the need to be sure that they've looked at everything from all angles, made a correct assessment of all possible motivations and exhausted what they can do to impact the situation before really drawing a hard and fast line. I think this improves with age.
Relate to the bolded; not sure I would have tied it to boundaries, but I'll have to think about that a bit more.
9) Find it difficult to assess when is the time to make a Big Deal out of something - Their reaction to something really depends on the other person's response. They may find it easy to forgive something or deal with it on their own if the person recognizes that they are making a concession. If the person trivializes or continues on with more of the same behaviour, it's the last straw (in a very big load of straws!) and the other examples of where they have seen the same behaviour will be brought up.
Relate.
10) Hate being not in control of their emotions, yet sometimes underestimate how strong those emotions are till they are swamped by them. - (Note, not a good time for Ts to talk about how over-sensitive and emotional they are, as they despise being that way and are already terribly embarrassed).
I think I am a slightly different breed of INFJ when it comes to this; I've never been told by anyone that I am overly sensitive and emotional. I also rarely emote anything, and work all/much of it in-house, only liking to talk about stuff when I'm NOT emotionally overwhelmed. (However, one of my good INFJ friends has been told such, and self-proclaims it) Perhaps this is more enneagram-based too.
11) Get less receptive to advice if the other person tries to skip over the venting that they need to do in order to bleed off excess emotion or when they feel the person hasn't taken enough time to understand the situation. Often their solutions are gained primarily from discussion with someone, not from getting the answers from someone.
Well, I may disregard the other persons' 'solution' if I feel they don't fully understand the situation.
Not sure about 'venting' element. See #10.
12) Sometimes have a hard time recognizing when they need to pull back or give less so that they can continue doing so cheerfully. This seems to be the case especially with Ts.
Not sure. I think this was more of an issue in my early 20's. Also probably more of an issue in romantic relationships, in general.
13) Tendancy to be poor with paperwork, locating items quickly under pressure - I've largely solved this by having a big lanyard for my keys, carrying a decent sized purse and having a file folder that things go into immediately.
In general I can't relate. My INFJ friend though is very much this way -- she deals with it by being insanely externally organized.
14) Am a responder more than an initiator - as a result I've missed out on many good friendships. I've learned that people respond much more warmly when you go out on a limb and make the first move. I've been working to actively improve this.
15) Not good at paying attention to detail (in my environment, and in instructions) - This is why I try to stock a lot of sensors in my life. They are happy to fill in my gaps and give me reminders when needed. They also tend to think in terms of smaller practical details that must be attented to.
I like to think of it as: I pay attention to the details that *matter*.
16) My intimidation by Te, and some oversensitivity leads me to sometimes not express my opinions when I should - working on this one. Thinking it out ahead of time helps.
Not sure this is the case for me. I get along pretty darn well with xNTJ's irl.
17) Over-indulgent when under stress - eat bad food and buy make-up/magazines that I don't need - Am working to replace these responses with exercise, drinking water etc.
Am opposite -- I don't allow myself to overindulge because I know it's just a product of the stress.
18) Put off jobs that are unpleasant or that I am not sure how to do - I'm sure this isn't totally type related, but I think avoidance is a greater tendancy with INFJs than Te driven people. Sometimes Ni and Ti create a loop that doesn't work well.
Definitely.
19) Stubborn - I tend to need a lot of convincing with a new idea before I will adopt it, because it involves changing the whole structure over again.
Given the nature of how I work, it's not really possible for me to change an idea on a whim.
20) Promising more than I can actually deliver - I want so badly to take care of everything that sometimes I overestimate what I am able to do. I've learned as a teacher to promise less and make sure I actually do it every time.
No, I don't really experience this. I tend not to say anything unless I'm absolutely certain I'll be able to do it.
21) Lazy about figuring out technological stuff or leave it to others - This one probably isn't INFJ related. I usually wish that some nice ENTP or ESTP is around to give me the Cliff's Notes on something new. While I am very curious about some things, I am not interested in discovering something for myself because I enjoy the process.
Yeah, don't know that it's INFJ related, but I can relate. I can be lazy with stuff I don't really care about.
22) Sometimes my very closest friends may feel that I disagree with them but don't express it. That is occasionally true, but if it is not a huge issue of integrity, I'm not sure how expressing it would be helpful. And yet, I don't think that I have to change my mind about it either, as long as I still like and respect them and am not being passive-aggressive. I think INFPs are much better friends in this respect.
I guess I'm one who isn't out to convince people of my own beliefs/ideas/thoughts. If I know I disagree with someone, if I know I'm not going to change my mind, if I know *they* aren't going to change their mind or see things differently, then I really see no point, in many instances, in pointing that out.
I'm wondering if any of these traits are influences by enneagram (1w2 so/sx) or if they fit with other INFJ's experiences (or those of other types with INFJs). Oh yeah - and did I mention long-windedness?
...
I think there were a few of the above that are more directly related to enneagram than mbti, but it's still interesting.
