[ENFP] Common ENFP issues

[You]

Thanks for making me feel worse stalement. Thanks a lot.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I don't relate to much of the list in the OP. Most of the stuff in the misunderstandings just sounds like generally poor social skills. Social stuff is one of my strongest areas, so I don't relate to those misunderstandings much at all.

Comeonnnnnn, stalemate!

I assume you're not fault free, are you? 'Cause if you are, that would be quite the gift from the heavens.

So if you don't relate much to the list in the OP, then what are your challenges / points of miscommunication / etc.? Let's here here 'em.

 

[stalemate]

Comeonnnnnn, stalemate!

I assume you're not fault free, are you? 'Cause if you are, that would be quite the gift from the heavens.

So if you don't relate much to the list in the OP, then what are your challenges / points of miscommunication / etc.? Let's here here 'em.

No, definitely have issues. Avoidance, chaos, and procrastination all apply just from the OP of this thread. I am on my phone so it is hard to reference the OP right this second but there are probably other things that apply to me as well.

But, almost everything in the first section of the OP really just comes down to being unaware or not caring how what you are doing is affecting other people and I don't really have that issue at all.

 

[stalemate]

OK, not on my phone anymore... here are some of my personal issues...

* Huge problems with procrastination.
* Follow through... it depends. If I tell someone I am going to do something for them, I generally do it. If it is some kind of project of my own or something, it is less certain. Usually once I have been far enough down the road to prove to myself that something can work, I am no longer interested in finishing it.
* Trouble saying no in general.
* Going along with the above, I will put off giving someone bad news for way too long because I just hate when everyone can't have everything they want.
* It is basically impossible to pin me down on a time for anything. Which might be why I don't have many problems with follow through when someone is depending on me. I just don't commit to much in the first place.
* I often don't do things because I am afraid my idea of them is better than what they will really be once I do them. I end up holding onto the dream and taking no action because I am afraid the reality will disappoint me. This affects lots of things in my life, honestly.

I know there are more, that's just off the top of my head. It is really just the 'Misunderstandings' part of the OP that doesn't hit for me at all. I probably do have some issues with #9 and once in a while #6 though.

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

This is so me it's INSANE. And to think I thought I was an individual...lol. Thank God I'm not alone in this though.

1) Weirdness. NeFi tends to give ENFPs a weird, zany kind of aura, making them come off as erratic, random, flaky, illogical and sometimes socially retarded, despite being so annoyingly likable. ENFPs tend to run circles around people and need to play with thoughts and ideas a bit before settling on a conclusion, to make sure they've seen it from all angles and to make sure it actually fits accurately into their inner world (or if their inner world needs adjusting). This playfulness can also be displayed just for fun, making it sometimes hard to see where the ENFP is going with a certain train of thought (if they're going somewhere at all with it). Rest assured though, there's always a motivation, drive and reason for it.

No kidding. People have always just thought I was really weird...whether intentional or not. Sometimes I try to be weird because I see it as more interesting and more entertaining, but sometimes I am really just trying to figure out what point I want to get at...and people think I'm...strange. Lol.

3) Flirting. Due to the ENFP tendency to jump right to the intimate part of the relationship (the need to get to know people for who they are) and them not receiving or losing the copy of the social guidelines manual, ENFPs are often perceived to be big flirts when they're actually just genuinly intrigued by people. (to avoid future derail on this, I'll admit that I too was like this but I have become a conscious flirt over time!)

Serious problem. I'm just trying to be friendly, people!

4) Crude and insensitive. Their Ne can sometimes get ahead of them, causing them to toss out blunt things before socially filtering them and framing them better. This especially happens when they're overly excited about some new piece of information.

This is a HUGE problem for me. I'm working on it because I really feel that it needs to be more improved. Focus on trying to use my Ti a bit more, maybe.

7) Leading people on. As ENFPs tend to share intimate details easily with others, and often have others reciprocate, a misunderstanding can arise between the two people in that relationship as to the status of the other person. ENFPs tend to love easily and like spreading that love, making people feel loved and being loved in return. It creates a special harmony, a being in sync that's very pleasurable, as well as a bond which makes everyone feel safe. However, as time is limited and there are many people to get to know and love, it can put pressure on the already existing relationships. Also, Fi doesn't require frequent contact to keep this bond alive. This often leaves the other partner feeling hurt and rejected, while the ENFP's affection really hasn't waned at all. Similarly, it can give the illusion of a stronger bond than was intended by the ENFP:

Yep. I have a tendency to really want to connect with everyone...but there's only so much time in the world, so you've got to pick and choose your favorite people. Oftentimes people think they are more important to me than they actually are. I may adore them, but only in a temporary way..."out of sight, out of mind" is what it can come down to. Unless you were REALLY important to me.

9) Always talking about ME. ENFPs tend to speak in the 'I'-person, because they experience everything in such an individualistic way. Add to that that we know most people find us weird and we don't wanna speak for others who might experience things different as we're often told that we're the outsiders anyways. On top of that there's a serious need to be understood as the desire to connect is there but clearly it's hard as we're weird This tends to grate people to no end, despite the good intentions of the ENFP as it seems to be all about 'him'. Also, we work with analogies a lot, which is our way of relating. When someone tells us something, the way to let them know that we understand what they're saying is by equally sharing a similar story. Quid pro quo basically. You tell me something about yourself and I'll sync up with you by sharing something similar about myself. This is the way to get to know each other. Unfortunately, we can get wrapped up in that process, and get overenthused in sharing...

No kidding! Why would I want to talk about somebody else? Then I'm just speaking for them! Who wants to be spoken for? People want to speak for themselves, so they ought to pitch in their two cents and believe me, I WILL listen. My response is likely to revolve around my own experiences...to show others that they aren't alone and that I honestly know where they're coming from. Nodding, listening, and inserting the appropriate "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it for me. You want to have a serious conversation, you've got to be willing to put something worthwhile into it.

1) Chaos, chaos, chaos. My god, do we live in a world of chaos. Plz don't ask me where my phone is, or my keys, though I will find things that I don't use that often easily in my mess. And there's no way I have the attention span to actually make a system and stick to it

I can't count the number of times I've left my keys in the ignition of my car, lost my homework, forgotten to do something someone asked me to...it goes on and on. A day doesn't go by that I'm not living in a world of chaos.

5) Drama Queen. Fi can feel sooooo f*cking intense, it burns. The pain can be overwhelming. Unloading on others however...not very nice, however hard it can be to contain yourself. Learning social rules and having a close friend who understands you is a definite must.

No kidding! No amount of reasoning or advice will ever make the Fi stop burning. I have a close friend like that, and he's an INFP. It helps a LOT.

1) I really really hate what I perceive to be emotional guilttripping ( I grew up in a house of Fe-people, not all equally healthy). It makes me rebel beyond all reason. If you ask me to do something for you genuinly, I'll jump through every hoop to make it so, if I know it to be important to you. Whine that I haven't done it yet, while you didn't even ask, and I'll bend over backwards and cut my own throat before I give you what you want. I *am* working on this

WHEN WILL MY DAD GET THIS THROUGH HIS HEAD? Some people - particularly my dad - think I am stubborn and unhelpful because I refuse to do things for them. THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE GUILTTRIPPING ME BEFORE EVEN GIVING ME A CHANCE TO AGREE TO DO IT. If you're going to assume I will refuse to help, I will give you exactly what you expected. If you'd like to ask nicely, I'd be happy to offer my assistance.

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

My issues with ENFPs, and they seem quite common..

Jumping to conclusions and reacting to them before all the facts are known.

Anyone seen that Video that was posted a few days ago about the guy who went to Europe for 2 weeks and His girlfriend seemed oblivious to the fact he was leaving and spent the next 2 weeks reacting rather poorly?

That is an extreme case of what I mean.

And...

They seem to be very good at the labeling game. Like what I mean is. If I say am against the idea of a gay pride parade, I am not asked why or to explain myself.. Nope.. I am homophobic.

As ashamed as I am to admit it, this is so me. Lately I've been working on trying to change that, but it isn't easy. I expect the worst, and I react to it with intensity.

Also, if you don't like the idea of a gay pride parade, how are you NOT homophobic?

Haha. Just an example of what I mean. Yes, I am a labeller...but only because the label makes sense to me. I never bothered to take into consideration the fact that maybe you just don't like parades, lol. When I see all the other possibilities later (usually AFTER I freaked out on the person), I feel terrible about my assumptions. I have a bad habit of needing an immediate explanation for things...and it never turns out very well.

 

[Amargith]

We seem to have two types of ENFP here...

Perhaps the Te-variant and the Fi-variant? Fi being a bitch to wrangle and making us go very deep into ourselves, taking aw hlie to develop (causing those social problems but making us very approachable to others) and Te being the drill sergeant, getting things done and making others more uncomfortable but without really giving those intimacy problems that Fi gives us?


I've thought of another tendency:

Not listening. ENFPs wanna listen but get too caught up in NeSi giving it all the scenarios where they were in a similar position as the person they're listening too and going into oversharing drive instead of understanding the other person needs to vent, resulting in the Me-me-me feeling instead of a good sync-up.

 

[angell_m]

I don't know what you people are talking about. Every time you describe yourselves, you seem like perfectly normal social people to me. And I'm not even saying that to be nice,, I'm just being observant. The topic has been labeled "Issues" yet so far I've not seen any issues, except for the continuious stretching and pulling for (invisible?) facts in each and every one of your posts.

 

[Amargith]

Lol...sweetheart, don't forget you've got the same functions and thoughtprocess as us. I aint making this shit up, most of it has been candidly contributed by the people I've met over the years

 

[stalemate]

Not listening. ENFPs wanna listen but get too caught up in NeSi giving it all the scenarios where they were in a similar position as the person they're listening too and going into oversharing drive instead of understanding the other person needs to vent, resulting in the Me-me-me feeling instead of a good sync-up.

I have this issue at times.

 

[Sniffles]

Not listening. ENFPs wanna listen but get too caught up in NeSi giving it all the scenarios where they were in a similar position as the person they're listening too and going into oversharing drive instead of understanding the other person needs to vent, resulting in the Me-me-me feeling instead of a good sync-up.

Yeah I've noticed this plenty of times.

Not to mention the silliness you mentioned in the OP, especially when sharing/discussing ideas. From my corner it often looks like some combination of Meet the Press with the Teletubbies. "Good morning, we're going to discuss the economic effects of Tinky Winky's policies involving dancing around the tree - YAY!"

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Yeah I've noticed this plenty of times.

Not to mention the silliness you mentioned in the OP, especially when sharing/discussing ideas. From my corner it often looks like some combination of Meet the Press with the Teletubbies. "Good morning, we're going to discuss the economic effects of Tinky Winky's policies involving dancing around the tree - YAY!"

Yeah, OK. In grad school, I had somebody say to me once, "You are able to talk about the most esoteric subjects with such a sense of childlike glee and silliness."

Thus was the origins of the name Esoteric Wench.

 

[CzeCze]

Kinda a long response but I'm being *thoughtful* lol

I think satine made a good point in the other thread that Fe users are more about continuity while Fi users abundance of supply comes in spurts. Too much contact and Fi users are depleted.

This is interesting...my Fi well never goes dry. But I get what you mean about 'continuity'.

For love/affection I need constant activity to keep it full and brimming, it doesn't get depleted. I have almost endless affection and good cheer for those I like, especially my 'favorite people' (which includes pets...LOL). The only area my Fi can get really burn out quickly is when I'm taking on others pain/drama or am around a lot of chaos/ugliness/darkness. It's like bad vibes suck the energy out my psyche. Fi is receptive whereas Fe is directive so Fe users definitely have the advantage here as they are immune (compared to Fi users) to intangible 'bad vibes' and and can be continuous in their efforts/activity in certain arenas. For Fi users, we have to remove ourselves to restore the bubbly. When an Fe burns out it's because of the effort, when an Fi burns out it's more because of the fatigue of experience.

As far as socially, it's really hard to burn me out socially.

I need to have continuous and varied social interaction or I start drying up like a dirty sponge in the sun. My neurons start rusting and I fold in on myself like a dry monk. It's really bad!

The kicker is, the social stimulation needs to be consistent *overall* but it doesn't necessarily have to be with the same people. But, I do have a core circle of friends that I seek to hang out with consistently because I *want* to and I will miss their presence. I think it's common for Fi heavy folks to have consistent friendships because they are fueled by Fi need and impulse. Fi is "I do what I want to do/what I feel like doing". And for my 'favorite people' they are my favorite people because I prize their company so much that I continually seek them out. If I did not have that unquestioned, gut impulse I do not have the mindfulness or enough of that kind of social sense/skill to maintain relationships 'just because'. It's just a more extreme, slightly warped version of what makes any consistent friendship work. Also, I'm sure ENFPs can seem opportunistic in the way they start and develop relationships. Again, I think that's an ENXP thing, since it's mostly a matter of Ne leading with no J to direct.

I have become more aware of 'touch and go' tendencies and seeming inconsistent behavior by observing OTHER ENFPs though. I've also gotten used to the 'touch and go' and inconsistency with INFPs who have even more Fi (poor INFPS...lol, I kid)

When an another XNFP does something inconsistent, sometimes I don't know why, but I chalk it up to being ENFP and 'Fi'. Fi is so individualistic and personal and often secret or hidden (sometimes reasons/motivations are unknown to the person themselves because the are so deep in it they have no objectivity).

I notice a tendency for some ENFPs to speak first without giving much thought of what they're saying; which can often have the effect of creating a huge mess if it's misunderstood by the other person or hits a nerve. For me, when I say something, I've already given some thought as to what I'm saying.

God bless you INFJs for being thoughtful. Someone has to do it! LOL.

I think when it comes to flirting and blurting, ENFPs fall into distinct 'yes' and 'no' camps. Some Fi doms/auxs seem completely oblivious to boundaries, social convention, what others will think. It's not a totally bad thing because it can make you fearless and give you an air of confidence/assuredness, excitement, or just that that good ole 'bohemian' vibe. LOL. However, it can also drive others crazy and cause a lot of personal problems for you.

I've heard on the forum a very clear line between ENFPs who say themselves they admit to being flirty intentionally or not and and those ENFPs who can't stand the idea or else are very consciously reserved in that area. Same for blurting.

My ENFP friend and I actually encounter this same issue with a mutual ENFP friend of ours. He just has no filter on his mouth and likes to get reactions from people. He can speak very thoughtlessly and I call him out on it.

Thoughtlessness/blurting out - it's also an ENTP issue. It's the Ne gone mad.

I think gender and age play a big role in the natural development of blurting as well. The older you get, the wiser. Also, guys tend to have the bigger mouths than the ladies and can get away with it a lot more. So blurting and making comments is more an issue you would encounter with young male ENXPs.

There is also a line between ENFPs separating the blurters with the thoughtful to a fault speakers. Even when it looks like I'm blurting things out, I generally have already outlined or thought intensively about what I'm about to say and anticipated the responses, particularly if it's during a heated or important moment. I generally have always thought carefully before speaking (even if it's spastic, erratic, competing Ne/Fi fueled thinking ;P) and will not say something if I think it will pique someone or aggravate a situation unecessarily. Of course, I have my blind spots and moments, but in general I *want* to be thoughtful.

Personally, I find that trait of being thoughtless/self-absorbed and blurting things out with little regard for the other person's feelings or context or reaction to be real thumbs down! :thumbs down:

I don't know what you people are talking about. Every time you describe yourselves, you seem like perfectly normal social people to me. And I'm not even saying that to be nice,, I'm just being observant. The topic has been labeled "Issues" yet so far I've not seen any issues, except for the continuious stretching and pulling for (invisible?) facts in each and every one of your posts.

It's that damn runaway Ne, mang.

Actually, I thought the list was very good overall. Each issue doesn't necessarily hit each ENFP of course - there are a few I personally don't identify with - but overall it's a good general overview of problems with XNFPs. I think the list definitely applies to INFPs as well. Same functions, different order.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I think when it comes to flirting and blurting, ENFPs fall into distinct 'yes' and 'no' camps.

I've heard on the forum a very clear line between ENFPs who say themselves they admit to being flirty intentionally or not and and those ENFPs who can't stand the idea or else are very consciously reserved in that area. Same for blurting.

Cze Cze, I thought this was very interesting. I never thought about it before, but you are right. ENFPs seem to readily embrace or readily dismiss that they are flirty and/or blurty. I noticed this when I first came on this forum because, I was horrified to think that I'd be unintentionally flirty and spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out if I was and didn't know it. I definitely don't think I am. But so many ENFPs say they are, there's gotta be something going on here. I wonder why the difference.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

We seem to have two types of ENFP here...

Perhaps the Te-variant and the Fi-variant? Fi being a bitch to wrangle and making us go very deep into ourselves, taking aw hlie to develop (causing those social problems but making us very approachable to others) and Te being the drill sergeant, getting things done and making others more uncomfortable but without really giving those intimacy problems that Fi gives us?


I've thought of another tendency:

Not listening. ENFPs wanna listen but get too caught up in NeSi giving it all the scenarios where they were in a similar position as the person they're listening too and going into oversharing drive instead of understanding the other person needs to vent, resulting in the Me-me-me feeling instead of a good sync-up.

Satine, I just read this post. I must have accidentally missed it earlier. This is very, very interesting and insightful.

Fi/Te variants? That would explain a lot. And perhaps an ENFP can go from one to another as they get older, more mature, and are able to tap into their Te more readily and with finer control.

The NeSi loop. Wow! Yeah, I've done this and I think this is a great explanation of it... And I've never read anything like it before in any of the ENFP descriptions I've read. I think you're on to something here.

 

[sculpting]

We seem to have two types of ENFP here...

Perhaps the Te-variant and the Fi-variant? Fi being a bitch to wrangle and making us go very deep into ourselves, taking aw hlie to develop (causing those social problems but making us very approachable to others) and Te being the drill sergeant, getting things done and making others more uncomfortable but without really giving those intimacy problems that Fi gives us?

ENFPs seem to be exceptionally diverse in how we present ourselves to the public-likely showing an underlying diversity in our development as you point out above.

My guess is that Ne makes us very flexible, and without any Fe filter, those differences among individuals become very easy to see. Ne also makes us neurotic as hell, thus we are forced to learn adaptation skills (aka weird cognitive development patterns) early on. I'd suggest other MBTI types are just as diverse under the hood, but just do a better job at looking "normal".

The ENFPs I meet tend towards the more Te side because they are in a corporate, scientific workplace. So I miss a whole chunk of the population as a result. I dont see flirting or attention seeking behaviors, or overt failure to follow up.. I do see blunt, overly direct communication, and complete obliviousness to intricate political Fe networks. WHAM! goes the Te hammer. The EXTPs all cringe.

The down side to the Te heavy approach is that we are extroverting erratic tert Te. We dont look like a Te aux-we look like an immature Te dom who is kinda emo and hyper.

We have baby ESTJs inside of us. If you totally quell the Fi, then the Te ENFPs can be very harsh and abrasive. Also under stress, we can become picky about stupid things-Si. So we are busy learning all the lessons ESTJs learned from ages 10 to 25. The best way to handle seems to keep the Fi near the surface and allow it to soften your reactions to the person-but not soften the Te analysis of the problem. It is a balancing act.

Having said that I have had two ENFP COOs and an ENFP VP-all picked by an INTJ CEO. All male. They can be superb.

The latest COO is fascinating as he "feels" blank. Fi feels people and I would reach out to "feel" him and feel nothing. However I can feel him feeling me at times. He is exceptionally observant of people dynamics on an individual level. A simple glance will stop him in his tracks and divert his attention. There have been a few times I have had unspoken Fi convos with him. Sort of a mutual agreement that didnt really involve words-then stuff happens to fix the issue.

In meetings however the tert Te comes out and he will be direct and challenging-but without the Ne silliness or Fi defensive responses most enfps show. In one on one meetings you see the Ne begin to emerge as he skips huge numbers of steps, makes eye contact and we "just get it".

The VP is like my older brother clone. My ENTP best friend works for him and wants to kill him. Hyperactive Ne, with more defensive Fi knee jerk responses then would be ideal but all funneled outwards in Te action plans.

He once said "I dont understand what it is that we are discussing, but someone needs to make a decision. I will make the decision and take full responsibility on my back, if it allows us to move forward and make progress."

The ENTPs call us "reactive" as we just plow straight through Fe and do so with a very quick response time.

Not to mention the silliness you mentioned in the OP, especially when sharing/discussing ideas. From my corner it often looks like some combination of Meet the Press with the Teletubbies. "Good morning, we're going to discuss the economic effects of Tinky Winky's policies involving dancing around the tree - YAY!"

A little insertion of Ne insanity to go a long way in dealing with ISTJs

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Orobas, I want a job where you work. Apparently you can surf the net and post to forums all day long.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

We have baby ESTJs inside of us.

You mentioned this once before in the INFJ Common Threads forum. I'm not sure I get this. What do you mean?

 

[PeaceBaby]

Hmm, my dear ENFP's who I love, here's a question ... how come when I give you the "look" - that look that says "rein in the Ne ... you are out of control, people aren't following you, people are thinking you've crossed the line" you never pay attention, even though you see me...

?

 

[stalemate]

Hmm, my dear ENFP's who I love, here's a question ... how come when I give you the "look" - that look that says "rein in the Ne ... you are out of control, people aren't following you, people are thinking you've crossed the line" you never pay attention, even though you see me...

?

I don't recall ever seeing you give me "the look."