[ENFJ] Common ENFJ Issues

[Domino]

Come to think of it, most of my closest friends are Fi. Hmm. Never paid attention to that before.

It used to be when I'd finally lose my temper - and I mean, really lose it - or I got overloaded with upset to the point that I couldn't take it anymore, trying to explain to them "I'm done. Please no more..." was NOT discomfort, it was a matter of my sanity. Whatever was happening had to stop NOW or I was going to disintegrate. I had noticed, while reading "Wuthering Heights", that Catherine, when pressed beyond endurance in a portracted manner by severe emotional pain or things she couldn't rectify, she practically had a seizure. I remember stopping dead at that spot and rereading it over and over because it seemed to "understand" the thing that came over me when I was pushed too far into the red zone for too long a period of time. I also read of Lord Byron (Fe tertiary) having some sort of severe physical response to the very idea of his beloved cousin marrying another man.

These are obviously malignant examples, but they display what I mean by "this has to stop" most perfectly.

It took more than a little time for the Fi users in my life to fully grasp what I meant and to see what I needed. "Back off" or "Stop" wasn't a threat, it was a plea.

 

[Amargith]

...which made them curious and kept them poking at you, right, as they wanted to understand? Our curiosity can definitely get the better of us sometimes, harming people we care for in the process...

 

[Glycerine]

Come to think of it, most of my closest friends are Fi. Hmm. Never paid attention to that before.

It used to be when I'd finally lose my temper - and I mean, really lose it - or I got overloaded with upset to the point that I couldn't take it anymore, trying to explain to them "I'm done. Please no more..." was NOT discomfort, it was a matter of my sanity. Whatever was happening had to stop NOW or I was going to disintegrate. I had noticed, while reading "Wuthering Heights", that Catherine, when pressed beyond endurance in a portracted manner by severe emotional pain or things she couldn't rectify, she practically had a seizure. I remember stopping dead at that spot and rereading it over and over because it seemed to "understand" the thing that came over me when I was pushed too far into the red zone for too long a period of time. I also read of Lord Byron (Fe tertiary) having some sort of severe physical response to the very idea of his beloved cousin marrying another man.

These are obviously malignant examples, but they display what I mean by "this has to stop" most perfectly.

It took more than a little time for the Fi users in my life to fully grasp what I meant and to see what I needed. "Back off" or "Stop" wasn't a threat, it was a plea.

I remember going through a lot of emotional and physical pain when I was little and a few years after that, I had insane temper tantrums over pretty much any perceived slight to the point where I would scream and cry for a couple hours to a few days. It was just terrifying how much pent up negative energy that my body needed to release. It was like being possessed by the exorcist.

 

[Amargith]

Hey guys, it would be awesome as well if we could do the same comparision INFJ-ENFP thingy we did with the INFP-ENFP stuff

Care to flesh out the similarities and differences between you two?

 

[Arclight]

Come to think of it, most of my closest friends are Fi. Hmm. Never paid attention to that before.

It used to be when I'd finally lose my temper - and I mean, really lose it - or I got overloaded with upset to the point that I couldn't take it anymore, trying to explain to them "I'm done. Please no more..." was NOT discomfort, it was a matter of my sanity. Whatever was happening had to stop NOW or I was going to disintegrate. I had noticed, while reading "Wuthering Heights", that Catherine, when pressed beyond endurance in a portracted manner by severe emotional pain or things she couldn't rectify, she practically had a seizure. I remember stopping dead at that spot and rereading it over and over because it seemed to "understand" the thing that came over me when I was pushed too far into the red zone for too long a period of time. I also read of Lord Byron (Fe tertiary) having some sort of severe physical response to the very idea of his beloved cousin marrying another man.

These are obviously malignant examples, but they display what I mean by "this has to stop" most perfectly.

It took more than a little time for the Fi users in my life to fully grasp what I meant and to see what I needed. "Back off" or "Stop" wasn't a threat, it was a plea.

This^^^.. But I still question, are we delivering that message wrong, or is the other person not receiving it?

Huge point of contention throughout my life with all types.

 

[Amargith]

When dealing with a Fi-user, tell them you need some space to mull things over and you'll explain later on as you are not sure of the answer/reason yourself atm. It should make them back down instantly as most of us tend to know what that need feels like

 

[Arclight]

Seriously. I only wish that I could be that engaging around strangers anyone, but I guess I see how an ENFJ might feel that that persona is insincere, because sometimes it does seem insincere. I don't have very many complaints about ENFJs, but oftentimes I am reluctant to warm-up to what appears to be over-enthusiasm, but I think "are you being that nice because you genuinely like me or are you just that way to everyone or do you want something from me." Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

I'd like to ask whether/how you guys cope with feeling like people don't really know the "real" you. I know an ENFJ who was in my close group of friends throughout most of college. As a casual friend he was the most charming, likable, seemingly empathetic and helpful person you could ever hope for, but usually whenever I tried to talk with him on a more personal level (like I tend to do with my good friends) he seemed to shut down. Other people experienced this with him too. I know all Fe-doms aren't like this, but do any of you relate?

Yes I relate!! I was just discussing this with my friend, how I often hear statements about me along the lines of .. "Everybody likes him, but no one really knows him"
For the longest time I felt intimidated by anyone who was not a lover or a dear friend , who could look into me. And sometimes even the lover or dear friend would intimidate me that way as well.
But this has improved greatly with age, and now I welcome people who can see into me, especially if I can trust them, because they help me grow. It also makes me susceptible to influence and it's more sinister cousin, manipulation. So I still remain vigilant.

 

[Domino]

When my sister told me that I was hard to know - REALLY know - I was speechless.

Sometimes it feels like being an INFJ forced to the surface where we HAVE to do something to protect ourselves or we'll die.

 

[ExAstrisSpes]

Come to think of it, most of my closest friends are Fi. Hmm. Never paid attention to that before.

It used to be when I'd finally lose my temper - and I mean, really lose it - or I got overloaded with upset to the point that I couldn't take it anymore, trying to explain to them "I'm done. Please no more..." was NOT discomfort, it was a matter of my sanity. Whatever was happening had to stop NOW or I was going to disintegrate. I had noticed, while reading "Wuthering Heights", that Catherine, when pressed beyond endurance in a portracted manner by severe emotional pain or things she couldn't rectify, she practically had a seizure. I remember stopping dead at that spot and rereading it over and over because it seemed to "understand" the thing that came over me when I was pushed too far into the red zone for too long a period of time. I also read of Lord Byron (Fe tertiary) having some sort of severe physical response to the very idea of his beloved cousin marrying another man.

These are obviously malignant examples, but they display what I mean by "this has to stop" most perfectly.

It took more than a little time for the Fi users in my life to fully grasp what I meant and to see what I needed. "Back off" or "Stop" wasn't a threat, it was a plea.

I've certainly been there before. It's gotten better over the years. I've found out that doing little 'check-ups' every now and then keeps me from getting to that breaking point. It's certainly scary for the other person, and it's terrifying for me, as I feel like it's all my fault my behavior has gotten out of hand. And it's so not-me, yet me, that it's very embarrassing and hard to recover from.

 

[OrangeAppled]

When dealing with a Fi-user, tell them you need some space to mull things over and you'll explain later on as you are not sure of the answer/reason yourself atm. It should make them back down instantly as most of us tend to know what that need feels like

Considering I need the same thing, this Fi-dom would have no problem understanding.

 

[sleuthiness]

Considering I need the same thing, this Fi-dom would have no problem understanding.

Do you ever wonder if you're really istj?

 

[Emmilou]

I have a hard time controlling someone in my efforts to help.

 

[Domino]

I've noticed this recently - whenever I'm around a person I don't trust, I submarine HARD. I hardly speak, feel nothing but a powerful urge to scan them, over and over and over, picking them for data or "tells". I was around someone just a few days ago that sent my hackles up and I couldn't explain it to anyone, though my intuition and animal instinct bore me out. I also noticed that I faded out strongly in their presence and was told that I sounded curt while speaking.

 

[Arclight]

I've noticed this recently - whenever I'm around a person I don't trust, I submarine HARD. I hardly speak, feel nothing but a powerful urge to scan them, over and over and over, picking them for data or "tells". I was around someone just a few days ago that sent my hackles up and I couldn't explain it to anyone, though my intuition and animal instinct bore me out. I also noticed that I faded out strongly in their presence and was told that I sounded curt while speaking.

Does it happen with complete strangers??
Sometimes even just someone sitting on a bus or in coffee shop will just start sending the hairs on the back of my neck to attention.

 

[Domino]

Does it happen with complete strangers??
Sometimes even just someone sitting on a bus or in coffee shop will just start sending the hairs on the back of my neck to attention.

I do both. *nods* I find it an especially strong reaction when someone is presented to me as "friendly" and I'm expected to be "friendly" back, like a person being introduced into an established group. You have no overt reason not to like them, and yet there's something you can't put your finger on, and it illicits an almost feral barking-dog sort of response from me.

Some people, it's just "there goes a harmless fake" and I merely shake my head. But other people, I just bow up and start growling and I get looks because I'm normally a convivial presence.

 

[Fidelia]

Do you guys experience Dom-Tert loops? In your case, that would be Fe-Se. What would that look like? I am well-acquainted with INFP Fi-Si loops or INFJ Ni-Ti loops, so I assume each kind has their own variety.

 

[Glycerine]

I've noticed this recently - whenever I'm around a person I don't trust, I submarine HARD. I hardly speak, feel nothing but a powerful urge to scan them, over and over and over, picking them for data or "tells". I was around someone just a few days ago that sent my hackles up and I couldn't explain it to anyone, though my intuition and animal instinct bore me out. I also noticed that I faded out strongly in their presence and was told that I sounded curt while speaking.

Does it happen with complete strangers??
Sometimes even just someone sitting on a bus or in coffee shop will just start sending the hairs on the back of my neck to attention.

I do both. *nods* I find it an especially strong reaction when someone is presented to me as "friendly" and I'm expected to be "friendly" back, like a person being introduced into an established group. You have no overt reason not to like them, and yet there's something you can't put your finger on, and it illicits an almost feral barking-dog sort of response from me.

Some people, it's just "there goes a harmless fake" and I merely shake my head. But other people, I just bow up and start growling and I get looks because I'm normally a convivial presence.

I am totally like this when someone tries too hard to be "smart", "caring", friendly. etc. I'm usually wondering why they are acting overly friendly. My good friend had a friend that ALWAYS went on and on about how great of a person she was (basically asking for validation and trying to soothe her conscience) and she thought she was so freaking smart but was actually pretty dumb (probably another EXFJ). I got a bad feeling from her but I really had to reason for it until she screwed my friend out of a lot of money a year later.

 

[Sparrow]

I am totally like this when someone tries too hard to be "smart", "caring", friendly. etc. I'm usually wondering why they are acting overly friendly. My good friend had a friend that ALWAYS went on and on about how great of a person she was (basically asking for validation and trying to soothe her conscience) and she thought she was so freaking smart but was actually pretty dumb (probably another EXFJ). I got a bad feeling from her but I really had to reason for it until she screwed my friend out of a lot of money a year later.

Word, Im weary of people who are overly nice and try way to hard...its a turn off, it makes them seem really weak, and it makes me suspicious. I dont give them the time of day, or try not to anyway.

 

[Arclight]

I am totally like this when someone tries too hard to be "smart", "caring", friendly. etc. I'm usually wondering why they are acting overly friendly.

Word, Im weary of people who are overly nice and try way to hard...

What I find interesting is that.. ENFJs and Fe in general are accused of this often.

 

[Glycerine]

I was actually thinking about that when I wrote that. I guess what I was thinking was that some people are so forced in how they present themselves that it doesn't seem natural. If you really are who you say you are then you don't have to constantly prove to others that you are what you say you are. That's my philosophy. Many ENFJs are insanely nice and friendly but the ones who are genuinely so aren't doing it just to convince to others that they are "nice" or "friendly". People who do things primarily to prove themselves to others are people who I consider "fake". Basically, I think that people who try too hard are overcompensating for a real or perceived deficit. For example, i have noticed that the so-called "know it alls" in my classes aren't usually the brightest bulb in the class but they talk, talk, and talk to PROVE to people how freaking smart they are...