Samvega
Buddhist Misanthrope
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2007
- Messages
- 1,073
- MBTI Type
- ENTP
- Enneagram
- 7w8
"Codependency"
I miss the disfunction, the rush, the adrenaline...the codependency that has you convinced the more you hurt the deeper you love. I'm moving forward so fast that I can't look back without crashing but I want just one more hit. I want to feel it again, alive, I want to feel alive again. Those fights were amazing, upset stomach, blood in my spit from from the emotions pouring out of my mouth. I wanna feel it suck me in, I want to be right in the middle of another battle were the only soldiers lost are the future years of a healthy relationship. Now healthy just feels so normal, nothing, flat. How could it ever compare? Am I ruined for life because of this? Yes, of course there was fire in bed, with that much fuel, so much anger of course there was a fire and it was huge and out of control. Love can pass itself off as so many things, love can convince you of so much, blind you and take over every single ounce of your true you. There was a day I looked at you and wanted to consume you, this isn't a figurative statement, I wanted...to consume you. Just take a bite of you so you were always there. I felt like I couldn't function without you, without us, without me taking care of you. Us gives me focus, purpose, a reason to live and it was all love, I swear it was all done out of love. There was no insecurity, there was no manipulation, no wanting to control you, own you or anything else it was all love! It was love and I won't accept anything else as the cause.
Now I'm in the clear, in a clear head, clean body, fresh mind, lifted spirits and nothing to cloud my judgement. I lived, I survived the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my life. The world didn't end and you are a better person today without my foot on your neck. I was so scared to have things change, so scared I would have done whatever I could to prevent it. It was all done out of love my ass, it was all born from the darkest, ugliest most insecure place of my being. I have shined the brightest light I could find on that place so that mistake is learned from and never repeated. I don't know this world, I don't know it's people. I know me and couldn't venture a guess at why seeing the light for some is sadly a 100 year lesson. I'm thankful it wasn't for me, I'm thankful for you and for our children. We can all get out of this shadow and I hope grow, apart, together, whatever but grow. For my roll I'm sorry, it was the idea of love that put us in this spot but it was true love that got us out of it. To any outsider, it wouldn't be seen that way but it's what's in my heart that counts. Sometimes loving means being willing to walk away.
I miss the disfunction, the rush, the adrenaline...the codependency that has you convinced the more you hurt the deeper you love. I'm moving forward so fast that I can't look back without crashing but I want just one more hit. I want to feel it again, alive, I want to feel alive again. Those fights were amazing, upset stomach, blood in my spit from from the emotions pouring out of my mouth. I wanna feel it suck me in, I want to be right in the middle of another battle were the only soldiers lost are the future years of a healthy relationship. Now healthy just feels so normal, nothing, flat. How could it ever compare? Am I ruined for life because of this? Yes, of course there was fire in bed, with that much fuel, so much anger of course there was a fire and it was huge and out of control. Love can pass itself off as so many things, love can convince you of so much, blind you and take over every single ounce of your true you. There was a day I looked at you and wanted to consume you, this isn't a figurative statement, I wanted...to consume you. Just take a bite of you so you were always there. I felt like I couldn't function without you, without us, without me taking care of you. Us gives me focus, purpose, a reason to live and it was all love, I swear it was all done out of love. There was no insecurity, there was no manipulation, no wanting to control you, own you or anything else it was all love! It was love and I won't accept anything else as the cause.
Now I'm in the clear, in a clear head, clean body, fresh mind, lifted spirits and nothing to cloud my judgement. I lived, I survived the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my life. The world didn't end and you are a better person today without my foot on your neck. I was so scared to have things change, so scared I would have done whatever I could to prevent it. It was all done out of love my ass, it was all born from the darkest, ugliest most insecure place of my being. I have shined the brightest light I could find on that place so that mistake is learned from and never repeated. I don't know this world, I don't know it's people. I know me and couldn't venture a guess at why seeing the light for some is sadly a 100 year lesson. I'm thankful it wasn't for me, I'm thankful for you and for our children. We can all get out of this shadow and I hope grow, apart, together, whatever but grow. For my roll I'm sorry, it was the idea of love that put us in this spot but it was true love that got us out of it. To any outsider, it wouldn't be seen that way but it's what's in my heart that counts. Sometimes loving means being willing to walk away.
