[INFJ] Blah

[cascadeco]

So do any INFJ's have any problems with people finding your emotional state 'inconsistent'?? It is quickly becoming one of my big fears when it comes to relationships -- that people aren't going to understand the many sides of me. That yes, sure, I very well might be really happy for 2-3 months, but then I might be down and blah for a few weeks, and then I'll feel better again.

I'm really feeling hurt at the moment, but I don't want to go into the details because there are too many. Bottom line is that someone I've known for a long time was really into me this summer, because I was in a really happy place. He felt it was a vast improvement - and at the time I of course liked that, but also in the back of my mind I was thinking....what, so you thought I sucked before?????

I've been pretty emotional for a few days, and have been experiencing some more negative emotions, and I made the mistake of letting him see this - and as expected, he is totally turned off, and wanting me to be just like I was over the summer - and I quote from his email: ".... wish you well on road back to Lynn From July. And when you get there, I promise not to fall for the good-natured optimism and self-confidence that I found so irresistible. Another lesson learned."

It's quite upsetting. Any ideas on how I can deal with emotional stuff in relationships going forward? This guy basically thinks I was fake over the summer, because at that time I was happy and had a lot of self-confidence, and the past few weeks I've been more blah and vulnerable. He can't reconcile that the two are BOTH me, and I can understand that....but I'm not being fake in either case..they are both me!! Sigh.

 

[Kiddo]

I can definitely relate to that. I've had friends who have made my down spells worse by constantly criticizing me during those tough periods. I can't think of any great advice other than to be honest and straight forward about it. I think as long as he realizes and understands that the sunny days will come again and that you need a little space and some time for self reflection, then everything will turn out alright.

Just make sure you get away from him if he is inhibiting your process or making you worse. If you are anything like me and other INFJs then you probably already tend to feel like you are acting or playing a part, you certainly don't need someone else constantly telling you that you are some kind of faker.

 

[cascadeco]

Just make sure you get away from him if he is inhibiting your process or making you worse. If you are anything like me and other INFJs then you probably already tend to feel like you are acting or playing a part, you certainly don't need someone else constantly telling you that you are some kind of faker.

Hey, thanks for your response. It makes me feel a bit better, and not as evil as this guy apparently thinks I am right now.

Yes, right now I'm just hurt and very upset, because like you said, he pretty much called me a faker...but I'm truly not...

Anyway...yes, time is what I need, and I have no doubt in my mind he'll give me that because, well, he doesn't want anything to do with any of my "feeling stuff" right now.

Anyway, thanks for replying. I'm gonna go to bed, and yes, I do just need a few days to self reflect and I'll feel much more rational about all of it, and will have a much fresher more detached view of it.

 

[wedekit]

This is definitely one of those times when you should be sure to not let this bad experience make you not want to express yourself. I don't know the whole story, but he honestly said something that is irreversible and childish.

 

[wolfmaiden14]

People all go through phases. Every kind. Perhaps INFJs make this look a little more dramatic because of our tendency to be reserved and hide/mask all but weighty reactions to things.

I have had a problem when most of my friends have suddenly said "I've changed" just because I begin to express certain sides of me more than I had before. People who care about you should accept you no matter what you act like at any given time. Not only that, but should be glad that you're so interesting, multi-dimensional and versatile!

Don't let the opinion of someone who obviously only cared about you for the joy he could take get to you. A real friend would not only accept that you're just having some downtime, but would help you through it, not just walk away like that! And like Travis said, Don't let it stop you from feeling okay with showing your emotions either. Sure maybe it will scare them away or make them uncomfortable.. but then you can sort out the ones that will stick by you or not!

 

[CzeCze]

His response was childish, please don't let other people's callousness and inability to effectively communicate get you down.

Continue to be authentic, and you will draw the right people for you and over time people will get to know the whole package that is you, and not just who you are in very situationally specific times (like you at work, at school, at a party, etc.) People have many sides to them, so it's a shame your friend doesn't grasp this.

The challenge for you is getting through enough ugly encounters like this to where you can hold your own with the world and be confident in who you are. So don't let this guy hold you back!

Think of it as an opportunity. Do you think aside from his jerky comments there is any area for growth for you here?

A lot of people, especially young women are pressured into always putting on a happy face because being angry and sad are 'unnattractive'. Pbbbt.

And it's true, if you are considered a 'happy go lucky' person, and suddenly you get really serious and sad on people, people may get confused and not know how to act or even feel like they signed up for a party, not for tears! This is where the test of who your real friends are and who can adjust and who can't. If you find this is a continual problem for you, you can consider changing who you befriend or the way you befriend people.

Just some random thoughts.

Good luck!

 

[wedekit]

You're so lucky you have other INFJs to back you up. Counselors ftw!

 

[cascadeco]

I have had a problem when most of my friends have suddenly said "I've changed" just because I begin to express certain sides of me more than I had before. People who care about you should accept you no matter what you act like at any given time. Not only that, but should be glad that you're so interesting, multi-dimensional and versatile!

Yes, I feel this way too, and it's why I tend to be 'scared' when I decide to open up and show a bit more. Because, it has backfired in the past, but like you and others have said, that's how you find the true friends.

The challenge for you is getting through enough ugly encounters like this to where you can hold your own with the world and be confident in who you are. So don't let this guy hold you back!

Think of it as an opportunity. Do you think aside from his jerky comments there is any area for growth for you here?

A lot of people, especially young women are pressured into always putting on a happy face because being angry and sad are 'unnattractive'. Pbbbt.

And it's true, if you are considered a 'happy go lucky' person, and suddenly you get really serious and sad on people, people may get confused and not know how to act or even feel like they signed up for a party, not for tears! This is where the test of who your real friends are and who can adjust and who can't. If you find this is a continual problem for you, you can consider changing who you befriend or the way you befriend people.

Just some random thoughts.

Hey, wow, yes some very great thoughts. I will take them to heart and contemplate all of them for a bit. Yes, I'm certain I can use this as an opportunity for growth, but I do need to get beyond being hurt/upset/angry at him for being such an ass in how he communicated with me, but after I get over that I can grow.

And yes....in general I'm quite hesitant/fearful to show my negative/nonhappy emotions to others, because I tend to think people only WANT to see the positive ones. I suppose that's the people-pleasing thing?

This is definitely one of those times when you should be sure to not let this bad experience make you not want to express yourself. I don't know the whole story, but he honestly said something that is irreversible and childish.

Very good advice, because my natural reaction is to think 'Well, expressing myself totally screwed me, I'm never going to do that again.' But you're right, it isn't the time to think that!

It's only this year that I've gotten to the point where I feel I AM taking more risks and really putting myself out there, but I suppose on my end, there is going to be a learning curve, and I'm not sure I've figured out that..balance...yet.

Back to what CzeCze was hinting at, I still need to get to that point where I get through a few more ugly encounters like this (historically, I pretty much prevented/avoided the ugly encounters, because I kept so much to myself), so that I can start holding my own and being confident in all aspects of myself.

Anyway...thanks for all the input and everyone!! It's so nice to bounce these thoughts off of others who have good advice to share.

 

[quietgirl]

So do any INFJ's have any problems with people finding your emotional state 'inconsistent'?? It is quickly becoming one of my big fears when it comes to relationships -- that people aren't going to understand the many sides of me. That yes, sure, I very well might be really happy for 2-3 months, but then I might be down and blah for a few weeks, and then I'll feel better again.

I'm really feeling hurt at the moment, but I don't want to go into the details because there are too many. Bottom line is that someone I've known for a long time was really into me this summer, because I was in a really happy place. He felt it was a vast improvement - and at the time I of course liked that, but also in the back of my mind I was thinking....what, so you thought I sucked before?????

I've been pretty emotional for a few days, and have been experiencing some more negative emotions, and I made the mistake of letting him see this - and as expected, he is totally turned off, and wanting me to be just like I was over the summer - and I quote from his email: ".... wish you well on road back to Lynn From July. And when you get there, I promise not to fall for the good-natured optimism and self-confidence that I found so irresistible. Another lesson learned."

It's quite upsetting. Any ideas on how I can deal with emotional stuff in relationships going forward? This guy basically thinks I was fake over the summer, because at that time I was happy and had a lot of self-confidence, and the past few weeks I've been more blah and vulnerable. He can't reconcile that the two are BOTH me, and I can understand that....but I'm not being fake in either case..they are both me!! Sigh.

This sort of thing happens with me. I think, as INFJs, we don't readily express our emotions (nor do we always realize them) so when they DO come out, they tend to come out strongly. The thing is that NOBODY is happy go lucky ALL the time. I don't care how down you were, this guy had no right to criticize you. He simply doesn't understand you and has demonstrated an unwillingness to do so. I find I get to that depression/low state in relationships when someone is sucking away too much of my emotional energy. Do you feel this guy does that to you? If I'm in a healthy give & take relationship/situation/friendship, the deep dark emotional side of me doesn't come out as strongly - I mean, it's still a side of me but it doesn't seem as strong. I also get into that depressed emotional state when I feel as though I've lost control of the situation. My point is that he doesn't have to understand you - nor does anyone else - but he has to accept that there are different sides of you and if he or anyone else cannot accept that, then they are not worth the priviledge of seeing all of the sides.

 

[Domino]

His response was childish, please don't let other people's callousness and inability to effectively communicate get you down.

Continue to be authentic, and you will draw the right people for you and over time people will get to know the whole package that is you, and not just who you are in very situationally specific times (like you at work, at school, at a party, etc.) People have many sides to them, so it's a shame your friend doesn't grasp this. A lot of people, especially young women are pressured into always putting on a happy face because being angry and sad are 'unnattractive'.

Totally agree.

And for what it's worth, I've been there. I've been called all sorts of things ranging from moody to much more hurtful judgments that were completely off-base. I know that I'm a constantly shifting weather pattern, but I do make sense, and it's not fair that you were treated as if you were all right one way and not all right another. CzeCze was correct: it's utter childishness. Anyone forcing you to put on a mask that doesn't fit is no one you want "into" you.

 

[cascadeco]

I don't care how down you were, this guy had no right to criticize you. He simply doesn't understand you and has demonstrated an unwillingness to do so. I find I get to that depression/low state in relationships when someone is sucking away too much of my emotional energy. Do you feel this guy does that to you? If I'm in a healthy give & take relationship/situation/friendship, the deep dark emotional side of me doesn't come out as strongly

You may be right, that I rarely actually show emotion, so when it comes out it is possibly viewed in a very extreme way.

After thinking about it, and actually getting pissed off ;-), I agree that he has demonstrated a total unwillingness to even attempt to understand. He doesn't want to, and was pretty much trying to invalidate all of my feelings, and criticizing my very character, like I have a huge flaw for even *having* feelings and a different emotional state from where I was at in July. When people are critical of me, my initial reaction is to think they're right, and to then start invalidating myself of my own accord.

But I'm over that stage now.

I don't know that he was 'sucking too much energy' from me; but there was definitely an imbalance, and I suppose I was aware that he really liked the 'happy me', and so that's where I felt I had to BE a certain way to be accepted - anything outside of that, and I wouldn't be accepted. So I'm sure there was a lot of 'dark emotion' buildup.

I've been called all sorts of things ranging from moody to much more hurtful judgments that were completely off-base. I know that I'm a constantly shifting weather pattern, but I do make sense, and it's not fair that you were treated as if you were all right one way and not all right another. CzeCze was correct: it's utter childishness. Anyone forcing you to put on a mask that doesn't fit is no one you want "into" you.

I can really relate to this. Now getting the hurtful judgements cast on me is a relatively new experience (and I still don't inwardly understand people being critical - *I* don't take pleasure in criticizing others (and I don't do it) like they seem to enjoy doing against me! Maybe I should start doing it?? haha). I usually keep things to myself, but this year I have gotten things slung at me twice, because I've opted to be more open and 'real'. ;-) Oh, I know there's a balance I haven't reached yet!! More things to think about. This is what happens when a normally avoidant person (in terms of expressing themselves) starts expressing themselves...I'm probably akin to a rusty gate, and need a bit of practice.

I DO feel I'm a shifting weather pattern ;-), although in my case it usually stays under the surface and it doesn't need to come out, and I deal with it fine on my own. I feel like it all ties together into something coherent. And I have to remind myself again that I have several friends who have never taken issue with who I am, in such a reactive, pushing-away way that this guy did.

So I'm no longer upset with the guy. I'm

This isn't to say I hate him or anything, but I do need to assess and think about future relationships, as I believe I'm on some level seeking the 'wrong' types of people out, and putting up with crap that I rationally don't find caring or acceptable at all, so that's definitely a ball that's in my court.