bi-polar bomb dropped

[Ghost of the dead horse]

hasty diagnosis, or thread that used to be called by the name "bi-polar bomb dropped"

It was quite regular thing for me to do .. arranging some bills, managing money on my bank accounts, making some calls to customer service to settle some billing issues. I've been unemployed and the money from my latest jobs hasn't been paid yet. I was under a small stress due to having to move out from my apartment in unknown time, so I paid extra attention to my financial issues. I had taken a gram of caffeine to handle the days work.

It started slow but escalated. I went into some kind of a stress mode, searching for jobs on the web, planning to do double, triple job today to secure my finances. Then I went into some kind of small panic in my mind (behaved rationally, emotions did not go overboard), feeling increasing anxiety and alienation from my mind. I recognized the feeling - same as immediately prior, and somewhat after my major burnout few years ago.

Now I am a much more learned man nowadays, more knowledgeable about my mind, and I was able to keep my panic very, very calm. Then I noticed after some time that even tho I was absolutely clear in my mind to do only reasonable, responsible things, my brain was like firing neurons all over the place and I realized: I was under some "silent alarm", panic mode, however relatively calm - I could not access the parts of my brain that would have calmed me completely and made me able to resume my thinking. It was like I would have been taken away the ability to trust the future for longer than 5 minutes into the future. I was unable to start writing my CV, even tho I had it almost finished from last time, as I felt something more urgent had to be done.. I could not bring myself down to the level to concentrate 15 minutes to write a resume in a calm silent fashion.

I remembered having decided that I will consider extreme possibilities to make the best of my life that I can.

I called my mother and asked if she knew me to have any mental ilnesses, and be straightforward with it.

The answer: bi-polar disorder.

I had been suggested such possibility a few times, but dismissed it as unthinkable, too terrible, too stigmatizing.. and I also had found the times of cycle changes to coincide with major life events, which I used to explain burn-outs, good times and bad times. Those, plus my then- MBTI type of ENFP.

I've functioned at half capacity 3 of the last 6 years. I had understood that I had a major life issue, a mental disorder of some type. Burn-out was probably real. Depression has been. My high-functioning time has believably been that of hypomania.

It's evening now. I'm starting to get calm, I do not feel the desire to use any substances, not the need to hate my life, not a need to burst into rapid, desperate action. My planning skills have come back and I've calmed.

They project low satisfaction for spouses of BPD cases.. twice the mortality for the people themselves. I'll seek for professional diagnosis.. last shrink proposed this diagnosis as a possibility for me.

There's nothing in the world that I object as much as taking psychoactive substances that will reduce my functioning. I am extremely happy in how my brains work for good 99,99% of the time, thank you for asking. I'm only bothered with the external-world tasks that I dont always do on time; otherwise I'm fine. The last thing I would want is to have some meds to screw up my brains. If the alternatives are living on the street and being able to support myself, I'll take the meds. If I just know it will happen. I do not want a shell of a mind where I dont recognize myself.

 

[cafe]

I've been on a mood stabilizer for bi-polar type II. It wasn't horrible, but it was weird and I didn't notice it helping much. The worst side effect was the occasional dizziness and headache and some difficulty finding exactly the right word for what I wanted to say. Other than that, no major difference.

If you aren't causing yourself a ton of damage during your manic phases and you are functional at at least a minimal level and not suicidal when depressed, it seems as though it could be worked around.

If it is causing you problems with maintaining employment, can you get some kind of disability stipend? Or sometimes there are laws that protect employees with mental illnesses.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

This has got to be triggered by food + stress combination. I've eaten very well during the last month, but I just decided to try candy + potato chips + fatty foods day before the panic attack.. plus the gram of caffeine, same as 10 cups of strong coffee.

I'll probably have to take care of my diet as carefully as if the foods were medicine.

 

[Natrushka]

I'll probably have to take care of my diet as carefully as if the foods were medicine.

Santtu, they are. What you eat / don't eat can have a huge impact on how you feel and your health. And it can be cumulative. Most folk never get this message, consider yourself one of the fortunate few.

 

[CzeCze]

Need to care of yourself

1) Depression and bipolar disorder are very real mental health issues. However, I think for everyone (except those whose disorders are neurological or genetic in nature) some basic good habits go a LONG way.

2) Sleep well, eat regularly and well, drink plenty of water, get outside in the fresh air and sunshine, socialize to the amount that is right for you, get physical activity, be sexually active in a responsible way -- and DON'T shut yourself off or in, self-medicate with {alcohol, drugs, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, food, sex, shopping, etc.}

3) This is not directed at you at all or a 'blame the victim' rant, but I have noticed in my friends on medication for mood disorders -- some of them make a conscious effort to improve their lives by doing those basic things in 2 as well as get therapy and make progress. And some of them have horrible habits and do not seek therapy and continue to ride the roller coaster of their depression and manic episodes.

4) So if you know certain things which are very controllable trigger you -- i.e. salty foods, caffeine, being around a particular neighbor -- cut them out of your life. These small steps help you avoid dependence on medication and lessen your dosage.

5)I don't think there should be a stigma for chemical imbalance. I think it takes courage for you to talk about this even on a semi anonymous online forum. And it definitely takes strenght to start taking care of it and yourself, so good luck!

Just my 2 cents. I'm getting off my ENFP soap box now.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

I've been on a mood stabilizer for bi-polar type II. It wasn't horrible, but it was weird and I didn't notice it helping much. The worst side effect was the occasional dizziness and headache and some difficulty finding exactly the right word for what I wanted to say. Other than that, no major difference.

If you aren't causing yourself a ton of damage during your manic phases and you are functional at at least a minimal level and not suicidal when depressed, it seems as though it could be worked around.

If it is causing you problems with maintaining employment, can you get some kind of disability stipend? Or sometimes there are laws that protect employees with mental illnesses.

Thanks for sharing your experience, and for the advice.

1) Depression and bipolar disorder are very real mental health issues. However, I think for everyone (except those whose disorders are neurological or genetic in nature) some basic good habits go a LONG way.

2) Sleep well, eat regularly and well, drink plenty of water, get outside in the fresh air and sunshine, socialize to the amount that is right for you, get physical activity, be sexually active in a responsible way -- and DON'T shut yourself off or in, self-medicate with {alcohol, drugs, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, food, sex, shopping, etc.}

5)I don't think there should be a stigma for chemical imbalance. I think it takes courage for you to talk about this even on a semi anonymous online forum. And it definitely takes strenght to start taking care of it and yourself, so good luck!

Just my 2 cents. I'm getting off my ENFP soap box now.

It's good that you wrote.. rock on with the soap box

Good advise, I think that bipolar person needs good life habits more than other people, and benefits from them more. Fortunately, good life habits aren't anything terrible to maintain.

 

[Hypomanic]

Wow.. that post reminded me of the main character from Fight Club.. if anything you could write novels on your life and I'd be entertained.

Anyway.. I've been diagnosed as Bi Polar a few times.. it sounds like you're having panic attacks. Do you remember feeling like you were dying? Bi Polar meds are risky in my opinion and Zoloft is ideal if you are having panic attacks several times a week.

 

[alicia91]

Yes, I agree that sounds exactly like a Panic Attack. That in and of itself, of course doesn't indicate Bi-Polar but please seek professional help. Perhaps you just need a small dose of a mild tranquilizer when you start to feel this way?

I get PA and they really suck to say the least. Good luck to you.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Thanks. This was a rare experience one time 3 years ago, and then recently, and it hasn't repeated after that. I think I made a misjudgement in taking so much caffeine. Wikipedia tells that 300-400mg can give an acute caffeine overdose, tho that's what I've been using daily. Even if I am accustomed to that amount, 1000mg is far too much.

In the year 2004, the panic attack was due to overwhelming amount of work, failed expectations, stress, and other combined environmental factors.

So I have the least reason to suspect that there was something neurological with this, now that I've been made aware of the pharmacology of caffeine.

Now what I need some help for, is some kind of depression, or after-effects from burnout.. which seems to repeat with times when I get so stressed out from certain kinds of tasks so that I am unable to finish them.

The reason why I don't want to believe in the previous suggested diagnosis is twofold. First of all, if I'm in no way dysfunctional or irresponsible when I'm in seemingly happy, energetic mood (which I call normal), what's the diagnosis for? It's the tiresome times when I can't handle stress, that's the problem. Second of all, depression meds seem to support better quality of life than mood stabilizers for both the up- and the down-phase of the cycles (edit: according to what I've read).

In the end, I have to make the decisions what I want and how I want it. I'll proclaim that it's okay to be in an upbeat, energetic mood, while allowing myself to calm down for the more serious issues in life and to be empathetic with the sad. Unaltering moods can't, by definition, take into account situational needs. I have recognized what is healthy and what I'll aim for.

 

[alicia91]

Caffeine is very bad for those of us with PA. I have eliminated it except for ONE cup first thing in the morning, then it's decaf for the rest of the day. Did you know that physical exercise is very effective for anxiety and PA? Something to do with releasing feel-good brain chemicals, I believe.

Perhaps your periods of happiness and lots of energy is the 'real, normal YOU' and you are merely over-stressed and anxious? Of course it could be BP but if you tried mood-stablizers and they didn't work, perhaps that's not the real diagnosis? Anyhow, it's been explained to me that long periods of stress can change your brain chemistry and give you anxiety, PA and depression. The longer it goes on the longer and harder it is to treat. Everyone (well, at least many) gets stressed and burned-out but most people recover smoothly when the stress is over- but not those of us you are unlucky to be prone to this. Personally I have chronic stressors in my life, which can't really be cleared up, so I'm always living with heightened stress.

Let us know how it goes!

 

[Jae Rae]

Sorry for your troubles. I can relate to the discomfort and anxiety of being unemployed.

An underlying theme of CzeCze's advice is structure. You're unemployed now and have far less structure. Doing things regularly is important - eat, sleep, exercise. To that you might add a "regular job" until you're employed, like volunteering or tutoring, dogwalking, or going to a library, juice bar or cafe (herb tea, anyone?) to work on your resume and other projects.

It's also the darker time of the year, when those of us who are affected by less sun, longer nights, colder weather go down. In addition to the fresh air and walks in the sunshine, you might consider full-spectrum lights. I used them last January and Febuary for 15 minutes every morning and it made a big difference in my SAD.

Coping with depression is exceedingly difficult. I hope you feel some relief soon.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Thank you for your understanding and advice, Jae Rae. I too find it easier to accomplish something when there's some kind of structure. This is a subject I've given quite a lot of thought last few days.. I've maintained unhealthy lifestyle for a month now, and feel much worse. It's a no-brainer to resume healthy lifestyle again... Sleep seems also incredibly important for well-being, especially the point that it's regular.

Even with optimal lifestyle, I'll have to find my real reasons to do something, so that they motivate me. I was lacking in that department few months ago. I had made convinced myself of my goals, searched out my means and connected all the dots in my life.. but I just once made a complete picture out of it, and then begun to distrust the reasons I had written for myself.

Perhaps I should draw some picture, diagram or explanation for myself and add to it every day to see how my work relates to my goals each day, so that I can see some emerging purpose and improvement.

I'm happy to hear you found help from bright lights to help your SAD. I suspected it in myself few years ago, and I too have found help from "light treatment". I am not sure about the light spectrum of the lights I use, but it's been most helpful to set them on timer, so that the room will be bright about an hour before I wake up. I guess humans adjust hormonally to increased brightness in the room they sleep in, so that you'll feel more relaxed when they wake up.

 

[ArtlessFuture]

Hi there Santtu -

My husband has been battling with BP II for almost 3 years. What you describe is almost definitely bipolar disorder (of course you need a real diagnosis, though). I am glad to hear that you are seeking treatment.. even though the idea of medications seems to be an unpleasant one for you. Let me just tell you that medication has saved my husbands life, literally. He probably would have committed suicide if he had been unmedicated all this time. And If you are on the right medication, it won't make you feel wierd, or like a different person. This is usually something associated with an antidepressant, which a psychiatrist may or may not prescribe for you (new research shows that antidepressants have very little effect on those with BP). The hardest part about starting medication is (a) finding the right cocktail of meds and (b) remembering to take them. I won't lie to you, it can take quite a while to get some medication that actually works for you, and doesn't have horrid side effects. But overall medication is a good thing.

At the very least, start seeing a psychologist for some counseling and a diagnosis. And also the lifestyle changes that have already been discussed are of UTMOST importance. I know its very hard to keep a daily routine going, but this is a very important piece of managing your disorder. Going to sleep around the same time every night (Even on weekends) and of course managing your diet too.

Exercise has been really helping my husband lately. He finds it very hard to control his diet at times, he has major cravings for salty and sweet foods. But exercise is something he can do that seems to be helping. I don't know how old you are, but my husband's BP was kicked into gear when he was 20 because of traumatic life events. And yes, it can be hard on a spouse, but overall... since you seem to not be married yet, it will be easier to go into relationships where your SO is aware from the getgo what your challenges are.

Anyway, sorry for the novel-length post . I get a little carried away on this subject. Well, I wish you luck and hope you will give us an update on your diagnosis....please feel free to ask me ANY questions you wish...either in this thread or in a PM.
(P.S. the abbreviation for Bipolar Disorder is commonly BP, when you use BPD it usually means Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a whooolle different ballgame)

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Ok, I thought a day before responding. What we've done here, ArtlessFuture, is that we've juggled second-hand descriptions around. Any diagnosis ain't getting officially established by that, unless I've missed something.

I've been searching for something like how I should react to being diagnosed such and such, but I'm getting my original unestablished diagnoses fed back to me. I know about the confirmation bias that bothers even professional psychologists, as proven. Many disorders, such as one suspected for me, are often not believed when encountered personally. So here we have two biases working against each other.

The truth and the solution is clearly not coming from this way.. but as I've said, I'll get the diagnosis. But there's two more things I'll tell.

My ISTJ mother is very withdrawn and probably considers personalities with same standards as stocks; they should produce steady and expected value to the stockholder during time, with minimum of volatility.

Second of all, we have such behavior in diagnostic criteria that isn't even claimed to be dysfunctional.

I'm not a packet of margarine. I don't have an expiration date, and I haven't made a deal that I'll perform to standards.. I haven't promised to contain 1% of salt, 1% of polyunsaturated fat, etc .. if anyone claims that I've promised that, I'll want to see their receipt of purchase.

If the medical community can promise me something good, and if I see that the society gives me something back for my admittance of certain diagnosis, then I'll consider it.

Of course it's one thing to consider a diagnosis for oneself and that of admitting it publicly.

As of now, I'm seeing that people are being dismissed from life and everything important on the basis of this diagnosis, and they're not being given anything back. So why don't you put yourself in my shoes and think what's it like to be some bastard who can't decide whether to be up or down?

 

[ArtlessFuture]

Well, It appears that i may have missed some of your subsequent posts further down in the thread. I was basically responding to your initial post. Sorry if this made you feel misunderstood.

I will offer you this advice: Please be sure to rule out bipolar disorder before taking any kind of antidepressant (without mood stabilizers). This has been known to kick BP people into full blown mania.

I wish you the best, and believe me....I do empathize with you. I hate to see anyone having to deal with these kinds of problems.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Well, It appears that i may have missed some of your subsequent posts further down in the thread. I was basically responding to your initial post. Sorry if this made you feel misunderstood.

No problem, I'm just jumpy at the idea of groupthink taking over..

Thanks for your insight and ideas.. It sounds important to get the diagnosis right. Thanks that you cared, too.

I've engaged in all kinds of normal action in life, despite being unmotivated much of the time. Somehow, it strangely seems that I'm not alone. When I walk on the streets of Helsinki, I see similar expressions on faces.. the one dull face telling that they don't really care to do whatever they're doing, but they don't NOT care enough to not do.

I've noticed this more when I began to do more of everything despite lack of motivation. It makes the time less dull, and the effort less painful. It's a better combination than having motivation but lacking in strength.

I do have motivation for many things, I just don't see how my actions are connected to those things at the moment.. they're out of reach. Perhaps my next step is to go after those things two. Job I enjoy, time for hobbies, money for hobbies.

 

[FDG]

Santtu, it is rather unreasonable for you to expect to be happy by doing all day long a job you don't enjoy and coincidently not to at least be distracted by hobbies that you do enjoy. They only way to be able to work at something you do not like is if the job doesn't require particular mental effort on your side so that you can place your brain and your hands on "automatic" while time passes. Otherwise, it is just like trying to love a girl that you find ugly, stupid, boring and bitchy. You won't be able to do it.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Ok, I think I'll update this old story.

I stopped using excessive amount of caffeine after receiving some advice, inspired by this thread. So..

I've been excessively calm and balanced in my daily life ever since, much less anxious, nervous or anything. Before I had to resist some excessive emotions coming up, now I can't bring myself to the edge even if I tried. Attention span has improved a lot, too.

On the negative side, I don't feel so easy to work whenever I decide, even if I'm tired. But then again, this mental balance has brought much better things than what I had with being a sad workaholic. I enjoy my job, and I'm able to do it. Instead of working hard, I work smart.

And I used excessive caffeine for what, 5-10 years without realizing the effects it had on me? I always looked forward to the caffeine rush.. it got me excited, thinking it did good for me, and never thinking it was related to anxiousness and other things.

So, I consider myself cured

edit: there's excessive number repetitions of the word excessive in here. Imagination unit off-line.. must go to sleep.. tired

 

[Ivy]

Santtu, did you get headaches when you went off the caffeine? I quit periodically (high blood pressure, really should avoid it entirely) but it's so much easier to find diet soda with caffeine than not so I always end up hooked again. Then if I go for longer than a day without any I get horrible headaches.

When were you diagnosed with BD? Is it possible that you were misdiagnosed and you were actually suffering from caffeine OD/withdrawal symptoms? (I don't want this question to seem dismissive of BD which I understand is a serious illness but I also think it's somewhat difficult to diagnose, is that right?)

 

[Seanan]

Borderline Personality Disorder = BPD
Bipolar Disorder = BD

I'm not sure what's being discussed here not having read the whole thing... did BPD come in somewhere?