[INFJ] Bad Romance

[Kelly777]

I was wondering if any INFJs could relate to my current situation. I married young. He was the first person I had feelings for. He had a bad childhood and my empathy for him sucked me in. During our marriage, he was abusive to me and our children. We suspect he has a personality disorder. I swore I would never get involved with someone who lead with a sob story again as I've read that disordered people will manipulate you this way. I divorced him and waited 5 years to date anyone. I had a crush on a guy friend and he asked me out. The thing is we bonded over long talks about his problems. I also had the feeling that he lied at times and divulged private info. It went badly and ended with a lot of drama and pain for both of us.

My question is why would I make that mistake again? And why ignore my hunches and logic to be with someone who actually wasn't much of a catch anyway? I am really afraid of trying again.

 

[Kullervo]

I am a guy, but we seem to have the same type and I can certainly relate to your story.

My question is why would I make that mistake again? And why ignore my hunches and logic to be with someone who actually wasn't much of a catch anyway? I am really afraid of trying again.

It is more likely than not that the person you're dating will be good than bad, so there's nothing wrong in giving them the benefit of the doubt. You just need to be more aware of red flags and more confident in pulling back. If you're afraid to meet someone new, it's because your past relationship has made you assume - wrongly - that other men out there will be similarly broken. I made the same mistake last year and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I will also leave you with this thought: we attract people who reflect our own state of mind. If you notice you've got a pattern of attracting broken men, maybe you need to change how you present yourself, too.

 

[Kelly777]

I think that is very true. I seem to want to mother everyone. And my boundaries aren't very clear. I appreciate your feedback!

 

[Forever]

 

[Oaky]

You might have an affinity to people who you find mentally troubled. A therapist persona, and with that, if you feel like you're in that comfort zone of feeling needed you might get attached to the person yourself.

 

[Kelly777]

You might have an affinity to people who you find mentally troubled. A therapist persona, and with that, if you feel like you're in that comfort zone of feeling needed you might get attached to the person yourself.

I'm doomed! Lol. I think that is an accurate statement. Thank you for your insight.

 

[ceecee]

I think that is very true. I seem to want to mother everyone. And my boundaries aren't very clear. I appreciate your feedback!

Start thinking in terms of the people around you first, not a romantic interest. Start setting boundaries with those people - coworkers, your children, parents, friends, etc. Start saying no because I'm betting you don't. If you need help with that, get into therapy. Cultivate friends that are stable and sane, yes but you need to work on yourself first and foremost.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

People with codependent personalities attract narcissists and other messed up types.

NFJs, if they don't have a positive childhood, are likely to become codependent.

Both narcissists and codependents suffer from a lack of self love, usually due to poor parents.

I grew up with very emotionally distant parents and an extremely abusive older brother. I was a sucker for a codependent relationship, because I craved the intensity that my parents never had for each other prior to their divorce.

As such I married a very screwed up ISFP who ended up abusing me emotionally and verbally and at times physically (I have to admit that to myself that just because I can take the occassional punches, they are still abuse). I just went into denial for 20 years (my brother told me regularly that he could see she hated me and abused me), until I had a crisis last year that forced me to be awake.

My INFJ oldest sister (who didn't get the abusive sibling treatment) married a ESFP with bipolar and narcissism. She put up with everything for almost 30 years and has been separated for almost half a year now. The parental emotional neglect left her equally lacking in self love.

I highly recommend you look into yourself and try to find what you are lacking in yourself.....

Good luck. ...

 

[Kelly777]

Start thinking in terms of the people around you first, not a romantic interest. Start setting boundaries with those people - coworkers, your children, parents, friends, etc. Start saying no because I'm betting you don't. If you need help with that, get into therapy. Cultivate friends that are stable and sane, yes but you need to work on yourself first and foremost.

Yes. It's true that I have trouble saying no with certain people. Usually it's my kids and employers that I have trouble with. I think starting with setting boundaries with those around me is a very good idea. Thank you for the advice.

 

[Kelly777]

SearchingforPeace, thank you for sharing your experience. I know that I came out of my childhood with codependent tendencies. After my divorce I spent so much time in therapy and looking into self help techniques and such, I really thought I was healed. But I am still showing up codependent in some relationships. Maybe I need to work on that specifically in therapy.

 

[cascadeco]

I think in the OP you answered your problem - you said you 'bonded over long talks of his problems'. And it already says a lot that you admit the tendency to play the mother / therapist role. 'Easy' answer is, don't get involved with people who have lots of problems, and take a giant step back the next time you realize you're 'bonding' over problems - or at the very least people with problems who seek someone to just listen and mother, it will always be one sided.

People have given great advice, I agree with starting with baby steps, learning to set boundaries. There are books out there on this - I haven't read them, though my infj friend has!

 

[geedoenfj]

The unsolved issues what do you know..
The logic for these people is: I had issues when I was young that's why I'm gonna make other people have issues too!
I'm an ENFJ and married to an ENTP and have a child, I was abused verbally for more than two years (still in fact occasionally) until one day I had a breakdown and fainted for few minutes because of him, and guess what! He was angry because I breakdown and he forced me to apologize! Did you know what I told him?
I told him I apologize for you but mostly for myself because I was not standing up for myself thinking that I'm doing good for my child, but no more breakdowns, I won't keep quiet on any abusive behavior from your side..
But generally I find it really hard to communicate with him, I always have to find ways and tricks that involves his family to make my point because he never listen to what I've got to say..
So yeah maybe it's NFJ destiny, it's not a bad romance for me, it is no romance at all [emoji23]

 

[Kheledon]

I was wondering if any INFJs could relate to my current situation. I married young. He was the first person I had feelings for. He had a bad childhood and my empathy for him sucked me in. During our marriage, he was abusive to me and our children. We suspect he has a personality disorder. I swore I would never get involved with someone who lead with a sob story again as I've read that disordered people will manipulate you this way. I divorced him and waited 5 years to date anyone. I had a crush on a guy friend and he asked me out. The thing is we bonded over long talks about his problems. I also had the feeling that he lied at times and divulged private info. It went badly and ended with a lot of drama and pain for both of us.

My question is why would I make that mistake again? And why ignore my hunches and logic to be with someone who actually wasn't much of a catch anyway? I am really afraid of trying again.

First off, IEI is rough. Several sources I've read suggest that it's quite difficult to survive and thrive in this world as an IEI (my mirror). That said, you may be EIE (or, at the very least), EIE is known to be a savior-type. As an attorney, that's what I do for a living. People come and tell me their problems, and it then becomes my job to "fix" them. Having a "savior" complex is quite common for the EIE. (Not saying you've mis-typed yourself, per se, but it happens.)



Socionics - the16types.info -

 

[Norrsken]

I was wondering if any INFJs could relate to my current situation. I married young. He was the first person I had feelings for. He had a bad childhood and my empathy for him sucked me in. During our marriage, he was abusive to me and our children. We suspect he has a personality disorder. I swore I would never get involved with someone who lead with a sob story again as I've read that disordered people will manipulate you this way. I divorced him and waited 5 years to date anyone. I had a crush on a guy friend and he asked me out. The thing is we bonded over long talks about his problems. I also had the feeling that he lied at times and divulged private info. It went badly and ended with a lot of drama and pain for both of us.

My question is why would I make that mistake again? And why ignore my hunches and logic to be with someone who actually wasn't much of a catch anyway? I am really afraid of trying again.

INFJs love to save people. Love doing that, especially with people who don't deserve it. And in some ways it is quite alright to try and help those less fortunate than you, but you also have to remember that there are manipulative people in this world who will use your empathy against you. This may sound silly, but a book I read that has helped me a lot was 'Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of "Too Nice"' by Doreen Virtue.

This sounds like a pattern that I am familiar with. Maybe you are attracted to these broken souls because you want to ignore your own flaws and hidden hurts. This is in no way me attacking you or anything like that, but perhaps you've had a less than ideal childhood and you go after these broken souls because you feel a kinship with them, or perhaps fixing them will somehow distract you from fixing yourself. The book I recommended delves into this further if you are interested. Sometimes, you need to help and save yourself before you can do that for others. If you've ever rode on an airplane before, they always teach you about oxygen masks in case of the air pressure changing. The masks automatically drops above your head and they tell you to put your own mask on first before you can help the person next to you. If you go ahead and struggle with putting on the mask on the other person first without helping yourself first, both of you will die.

Makes sense? The kind of help that will help others come from a healthy self-esteem of one person who can readily help others while maintaining an assertive personality when need be.

 

[geedoenfj]

They can intuitively gauge the strengths and flaws of others and use their intuitive insight to see forthcoming danger, and how to appropriately act to in response. However, they may be easily hurt and blame themselves when ideas and relationship do not go on as planned; they can be sensitive to criticism and may react unfavorably towards labels or unsolicited advice.

That's my everyday strugle, I relized recently that I have symptoms of anxiety and panic disorder..
I'm always worried something bad is going to happen, always expecting the worst, my brain just can't stop working and estimating possible consequences, I have defficulty sleeping at night because I have no control over my brain activity, and I always freak out over trying or learning new skills or improving my qualifications or when things do not go as I planned, I also hate surprises ..
I HATE when people keep intervening in how I behave or handle a certain situation, I would feel my heart beats are rising my breaths are heavy and try so hard to not blow up, and coming from a culture where everyone is getting into the businss of everyone, and think they're giving the right advise is just a big pet peeve for me..
Thanks [MENTION=26269]Kheledon[/MENTION] for the article

 

[Fluffywolf]

There is also a little bit of "People with problems are interesting.". Which is true, it is just that they arent interesting for the right reasons. Being a friend to someone with issues, I mean, that's fine. Getting romantically involved with someone with issues, meh, probably better to advise them to get help instead and don't go down that road. It's ok to help people, but big difference between being a good friend and becoming someones partner.

Also, plenty of available people without problems around and just because we're doing fine, it's not like we can't use a little loving ourselves.

 

[Kheledon]

Thanks [MENTION=26269]Kheledon[/MENTION] for the article

My pleasure.

 

[Kelly777]

INFJs love to save people. Love doing that, especially with people who don't deserve it. And in some ways it is quite alright to try and help those less fortunate than you, but you also have to remember that there are manipulative people in this world who will use your empathy against you. This may sound silly, but a book I read that has helped me a lot was 'Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of "Too Nice"' by Doreen Virtue.

This sounds like a pattern that I am familiar with. Maybe you are attracted to these broken souls because you want to ignore your own flaws and hidden hurts. This is in no way me attacking you or anything like that, but perhaps you've had a less than ideal childhood and you go after these broken souls because you feel a kinship with them, or perhaps fixing them will somehow distract you from fixing yourself. The book I recommended delves into this further if you are interested. Sometimes, you need to help and save yourself before you can do that for others. If you've ever rode on an airplane before, they always teach you about oxygen masks in case of the air pressure changing. The masks automatically drops above your head and they tell you to put your own mask on first before you can help the person next to you. If you go ahead and struggle with putting on the mask on the other person first without helping yourself first, both of you will die.

Makes sense? The kind of help that will help others come from a healthy self-esteem of one person who can readily help others while maintaining an assertive personality when need be.

Yep. I'm going to get that book for sure. My mother was a broken soul. I spent my whole youth trying to rescue her. I never got through. I think that set a pattern. Thanks for the advice!

 

[Kelly777]

There is also a little bit of "People with problems are interesting.". Which is true, it is just that they arent interesting for the right reasons. Being a friend to someone with issues, I mean, that's fine. Getting romantically involved with someone with issues, meh, probably better to advise them to get help instead and don't go down that road. It's ok to help people, but big difference between being a good friend and becoming someones partner.

Also, plenty of available people without problems around and just because we're doing fine, it's not like we can't use a little loving ourselves.

That's true. I found all of his issues kind of fascinating. I think maybe I need to have some kind of a project where I can help people seperately from those in my personal life. It's such a strong drive for me. But yes, it would be nice to be involved with someone who reciprocated .

 

[Kelly777]

First off, IEI is rough. Several sources I've read suggest that it's quite difficult to survive and thrive in this world as an IEI (my mirror). That said, you may be EIE (or, at the very least), EIE is known to be a savior-type. As an attorney, that's what I do for a living. People come and tell me their problems, and it then becomes my job to "fix" them. Having a "savior" complex is quite common for the EIE. (Not saying you've mis-typed yourself, per se, but it happens.)



Socionics - the16types.info -

I actually tested EIE first and then IEI. IEI seemed to fit better but I haven't looked into socionics much. Thank you for your input.