LucrativeSid
New member
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2007
- Messages
- 837
Warning! This is very negative. Do not read this if you are emotionally fragile.
I'm angry. I'm negative and pessimistic. I'm extremely unhappy. I want to die.
I know I can turn it all around. It's actually not that hard. But it's still more than I want to deal with.
I guess it's "bad" for me that I think everything is meaningless. Things like human life, personal experience, and challenges all seem like pretty trivial pursuits to me that are not at all worth the effort. Nothing is worth anything at all.
Still, I'm not going to kill myself for some reason, and this pisses me off.
I know there's a lot of good shit in life, if you're willing to see it. I've seen it before and I'll see it again, I'm sure. But, none of that is worth this continuous burden we call existence. Seriously, if I didn't exist, I wouldn't miss anything. How could that be such a bad deal? Logically, it's not. It's only a bad idea if you're a person who values life and existence. And if you are one of those people, you'll do anything to rationalize how pressing on makes sense. But we don't all have the same goals. Is there really a point to enjoying life? Some people just choose to because they can. And that's cool for them. But I'm not convinced that it's worth it.
I guess my main "problem" is that I don't think of life in a personal manner. I disregard myself as something too small and insignificant to bother with. If I said I hated life, I wouldn't mean my own life, because that's not how I see things. Of course my experience of life is through my own life, but my own life only serves as a link to existence and consciousness on a deeper level.
I suffer from existence as a whole. It's not my particular little lot in life that bothers me. That shit can be changed quite easily, and since it's easy, it's pointless and trivial.
I could never become a teacher because I love teaching or something like that. I can't think in those terms. What I personally love is irrelevant. (And that makes it hard to love things in the first place.) It would have to seem much bigger than a stupid personal feeling in order for me to commit to something or to care about it in any way.
Imagine that I did actually love teaching. This is what my thought process would be: Nothing that anyone "does" on Earth holds any value. Everything is temporary and pointless. My personal feelings have no value. They are just chemicals. To commit myself to something that is temporary and pointless would be the stupidest and least self-respecting thing I could ever do.
How can I enjoy something if I think it has no value?
I've looked at EVERYTHING from such a zoomed out perspective that I don't even remember what it's like to be human anymore. And I don't know if I'd even want to be a normal human again. It seems quite pathetic. Humans who approach life from themselves outwards, rather than the universe in, waste their time on feelings and passions and pointless pursuits like making money or getting diplomas.
I understand that we can't truly be objective, and that meaning is subjective no matter what. We're not given a meaning to our existence, we have to create our own meaning. A lot of people like that. I don't. It's like giving a blank piece of paper and a pencil to a person who doesn't give a fuck about drawing and saying "You can draw whatever you want! YAY!" They just want to crinkle up the paper and throw it away. And that's what I want to do with life right now.
I'm not saying it really is all pointless. It's just that way to me. And I realize that my thinking on that is merely a choice. I'm not trying to drag anyone else down with me. I'm just saying that I'm not up for it. No big deal. It's not my thing. I'd rather be dead.
But tomorrow, things could be totally different. All I'd have to do is decide to enjoy life instead of hate it. I see no reason to do that, but sometimes random things catch my fancy and I end up changing my state of mind because I'll actually see things from a personal perspective again.
I'm angry. I'm negative and pessimistic. I'm extremely unhappy. I want to die.
I know I can turn it all around. It's actually not that hard. But it's still more than I want to deal with.
I guess it's "bad" for me that I think everything is meaningless. Things like human life, personal experience, and challenges all seem like pretty trivial pursuits to me that are not at all worth the effort. Nothing is worth anything at all.
Still, I'm not going to kill myself for some reason, and this pisses me off.
I know there's a lot of good shit in life, if you're willing to see it. I've seen it before and I'll see it again, I'm sure. But, none of that is worth this continuous burden we call existence. Seriously, if I didn't exist, I wouldn't miss anything. How could that be such a bad deal? Logically, it's not. It's only a bad idea if you're a person who values life and existence. And if you are one of those people, you'll do anything to rationalize how pressing on makes sense. But we don't all have the same goals. Is there really a point to enjoying life? Some people just choose to because they can. And that's cool for them. But I'm not convinced that it's worth it.
I guess my main "problem" is that I don't think of life in a personal manner. I disregard myself as something too small and insignificant to bother with. If I said I hated life, I wouldn't mean my own life, because that's not how I see things. Of course my experience of life is through my own life, but my own life only serves as a link to existence and consciousness on a deeper level.
I suffer from existence as a whole. It's not my particular little lot in life that bothers me. That shit can be changed quite easily, and since it's easy, it's pointless and trivial.
I could never become a teacher because I love teaching or something like that. I can't think in those terms. What I personally love is irrelevant. (And that makes it hard to love things in the first place.) It would have to seem much bigger than a stupid personal feeling in order for me to commit to something or to care about it in any way.
Imagine that I did actually love teaching. This is what my thought process would be: Nothing that anyone "does" on Earth holds any value. Everything is temporary and pointless. My personal feelings have no value. They are just chemicals. To commit myself to something that is temporary and pointless would be the stupidest and least self-respecting thing I could ever do.
How can I enjoy something if I think it has no value?
I've looked at EVERYTHING from such a zoomed out perspective that I don't even remember what it's like to be human anymore. And I don't know if I'd even want to be a normal human again. It seems quite pathetic. Humans who approach life from themselves outwards, rather than the universe in, waste their time on feelings and passions and pointless pursuits like making money or getting diplomas.
I understand that we can't truly be objective, and that meaning is subjective no matter what. We're not given a meaning to our existence, we have to create our own meaning. A lot of people like that. I don't. It's like giving a blank piece of paper and a pencil to a person who doesn't give a fuck about drawing and saying "You can draw whatever you want! YAY!" They just want to crinkle up the paper and throw it away. And that's what I want to do with life right now.
I'm not saying it really is all pointless. It's just that way to me. And I realize that my thinking on that is merely a choice. I'm not trying to drag anyone else down with me. I'm just saying that I'm not up for it. No big deal. It's not my thing. I'd rather be dead.
But tomorrow, things could be totally different. All I'd have to do is decide to enjoy life instead of hate it. I see no reason to do that, but sometimes random things catch my fancy and I end up changing my state of mind because I'll actually see things from a personal perspective again.
You are right: by tomorrow, things could be totally different.
