[MBTI General] Any Other INFJ's or Anyone Face This Problem?

[Kyrielle]

Yea, I've always been perceived as "weird" in a pleasant, mildly creepy way. But, there have been stages of my life where I've felt backwards and broken because I do things so differently from most people. I've felt a little bit like that my whole life. I never have quite fit in with everyone, especially as a child. Now it's better, but that might just be because I'm in an art college...surrounded by artists...and my eccentricities are accepted (or at least waivered) because of my major/minor.

I think Toonia put it better that I ever could.

 

[OctaviaCaesar]

Mostly the things that were weird to other people about me growing up (and still are, although people don't ask me direct questions like they used to) were: 1. My tendency to wear skirts and dresses all the time, never pants 2)the fact that I would surmount anyone's wrath or displeasure to make sure the truth was told, the job was done properly, good was done, etc., even if the others involved did not want me to 3) I had a penchant for scholarly books above my "reading level" and I was a whiz at spelling and grammar.

 

[cascadeco]

And I agree with Kiddo and Jennifer. I believe there is a spectrum of each personality type. (If there wasn't, we'd all be quite predictable or even the same.)

And I agree as well. Just based on my limited experience on this forum so far, there are certain INFJ's I resonate more with, and others less so.

I've posted this in other threads, but historically I've tested INTJ. But like others have posted, I don't see much of myself in INTJ.

Growing up, I didn't start feeling completely estranged/'different' from others, until junior high. Prior to that, I was never popular, but I did have friends. Something kicked in in junior high/high school though, and I felt completely different from all the kids around me, and had different concerns/preoccupations, and simply couldn't relate to most. I always felt like I was looking out at everyone - just the observer looking through a wall. I just operated on a different level, or something. It was something that caused me extreme discomfort/unhappiness, though, because I really wanted to be close to people; I was just too sensitive and didn't know HOW to relate to people.

And to a certain extent, I still don't. But I've really improved over the years, and have gained skills/confidence in that area. And maybe more accurately -- I've learned there ARE people out there similar to me, and it's a recognition that they exist, and although few and far between, it is possible, and it's just a matter of finding outlets/places where I'll tend to run into them. And, taking more risks.

When I was in middle school, I remember my mom telling me 'you are definitely unique'. At the time, I think that bothered me. Now, I'm ok with it. One of my best friends, who I've opened up to more than anyone before, has said the same thing. Ah well, must accept it.

Based on your poll options -- I don't know if my 'weirdness' is tied to INFJ, or if it's some factor outside of mbti. I think it's a combo of both, as I think people can attribute more to mbti than should be...there are a lot of other factors that come into play.

 

[shadowstormz]

Growing up, I didn't start feeling completely estranged/'different' from others, until junior high. Prior to that, I was never popular, but I did have friends. Something kicked in in junior high/high school though, and I felt completely different from all the kids around me, and had different concerns/preoccupations, and simply couldn't relate to most. I always felt like I was looking out at everyone - just the observer looking through a wall. I just operated on a different level, or something. It was something that caused me extreme discomfort/unhappiness, though, because I really wanted to be close to people; I was just too sensitive and didn't know HOW to relate to people.

Freaky. Now that I think about it, my personal life wasn't always so secluded. In elementary, I imagined everyone to be my friend (which there were, I swear it!), but when it came to high school, everything began to change. Perhaps it has something to do with puberty, haha. Secondary school seems to be the time for definition in a person's personality. It's true how I, too, did not perceive anyone to share the same concerns, thought patterns, and preoccupations as myself, but I think that I have met a couple of INFJ and I remember sensing that they had similar thoughts (but obviously nothing as unique as mine [just kidding]). If the world communicated telepathically, or internally using thoughts instead of actions and words, I bet INFJ's would quickly find other INFJ's. However, I don't think we'll be evolving into telepaths any time soon.

I think the part about not being able to relate people doesn't completely apply to me. I can usually see where a person is coming from in terms of perspective (or I try to see it), but interacting with people seems to be such a difficult task. I seem to be alright when I'm with a friend, and perhaps two I know very well, but when the group gets any larger, I just go into what I've coined as 'awkward mode'. The way I socialize seems to be completely flexible. I could act, kid, joke, and talk like any stereotypical group, but something that will not budge is my principles, which I'm glad. However, sometimes it seems as though you don't have an outward personality, or an external 'you'. Of course I could get along with any group, but it usually turns out me not able to share their concerns or interests. When a majority of your time and energy is devoted to how you exist and every thought only internalizes further and how you feel usually does not concern when the last time you got drunk was, it just seems as if it's difficult to interact with anyone else because no real thought (literally) is concentrated on such external relations. I guess I'm just ranting aimlessly now so I'll leave it to that. I guess I have that problem where I have too many things to say, but don't quite know how to say it. The curse of the INFJ?

 

[nightning]

Freaky. Now that I think about it, my personal life wasn't always so secluded. In elementary, I imagined everyone to be my friend (which there were, I swear it!), but when it came to high school, everything began to change.

Interesting to see that we are alike in this. In elementary, I was very much a child of curiosity. Seemingly fearless, I stick my head into everything. Then as I got older, I've become more withdrawn. I'm not certain if development of Fe and to some extent Fi and relating that to Ni have to do with the change. I also sensed that people do not think and feel about situations the same way as I. That lead to less sharing of myself. Of cause, I've also relocated several times during that transitional phrase... that also impacted my behavior.

If the world communicated telepathically, or internally using thoughts instead of actions and words, I bet INFJ's would quickly find other INFJ's.

You have no idea how often I wish people were telepathic... As nice as language and poetry are, I never seem to be able to express myself adequately. Ideas come in based on random tangents. I wanted to say so much but I couldn't find a way to link them together in a semi coherent pattern such that other people can also follow.

I can usually see where a person is coming from in terms of perspective (or I try to see it), but interacting with people seems to be such a difficult task. I seem to be alright when I'm with a friend, and perhaps two I know very well, but when the group gets any larger, I just go into what I've coined as 'awkward mode'.

I think this is common in INFJs... being able to relate, but is too paralyzed by everything else going on to add to the discussion. With one or two person, I have no problems... but as the group size increase, Ni get more and more material to play with that I either started entertaining ideas in my head and when I wanted to say something, the discussion has already moved on or I just tune everything out because it was too much.

 

[FemMecha]

I have a feeling I describe that way too. I wonder if we are talking about the same thing.

For me, even people I like and like me, it feels like our perspectives are so vastly different that there is no way of understanding what (s)he thinks/feels and no way to get her/him to understand I how I think/feel.

We can relate experiences, we can relate beliefs, but everytime I try to probe into how people think and feel at a deeper level they recoil. When I try to express how I think and feel at a deeper level, many get scared, and at best changes the topic.

Is this what you mean, too?

There is definitely some similarity in what you describe. I'm not entirely sure regarding the last paragraph, except that there are certain topics i instinctively avoid with certain people because i know it will it will reveal a deep schism.

 

[cascadeco]

I have always felt out of step with people. I can smile and greet people and sort of go with the flow, but there is something more fundamental that just doesn't often connect.

I don't know why I didn't catch this post initially, but I definitely feel this way as well.

There is definitely some similarity in what you describe. I'm not entirely sure regarding the last paragraph, except that there are certain topics i instinctively avoid with certain people because i know it will it will reveal a deep schism.

I often feel I can 'get along' with most people I encounter, and I can certainly talk to them about what's going on in their lives, and can relate to them on an emotional level - as in the emotions they might be experiencing - but can't necessarily relate/empathize with the trigger/circumstance that caused the emotion (because I think we all have rather unique triggers).

But from personal experience, I suppose from the middle years on, when I've tried to open up, people either don't respond, don't know how to respond, *blow me off as being too serious - i.e. 'You're a killjoy'*, completely ditch me as a friend (this happened twice in my middle yrs -- I wasn't 'cool' enough all of a sudden - hence, I suppose I have quite a lingering fear of opening up to people) or give me a blank stare, so I then hurriedly change the subject or laugh it off or make a joke out of it. Or something like that. I guess, my really expressing myself and my beliefs...has not proved to be safe in the past. So I don't really do it much anymore, in real life, and I just lend an ear to other people. By the way, I'm not writing this paragraph as a 'woe is me/pity-party' paragraph..more just stating what's happened to me historically.

So I guess that's why I feel I don't 'relate' to people -- not in that I can't get along with, or understand where people are coming from on a logical level -- but rather that I rarely meet someone who shares a similar life-view/perception view/processing of thoughts as me!!! It does take time to get to that level with anyone, though. I do have a handful of friends in my life, though, that are very precious to me.

And to clarify - on the surface, I can, and do, get along with most types, and I feel that I'm friendly both at work, and in a few of my extracurricular activities. But, I certainly don't bare my soul, so to speak..because that would be just plain silly!

And yes, this fear in opening up is rather self-fulfilling...if I don't open up, I might miss the opportunity of meeting someone who actually WOULD appreciate me -- so, this is something I'm going to try to work on. Carefully. ;-)

Would this also be similar though for most INxx's?? That we all only open up to a select, carefully chosen, few? I'm not sure it would be restricted to INFJ????

 

[shadowstormz]

But from personal experience, I suppose from the middle years on, when I've tried to open up, people either don't respond, don't know how to respond, *blow me off as being too serious - i.e. 'You're a killjoy'*, completely ditch me as a friend (this happened twice in my middle yrs -- I wasn't 'cool' enough all of a sudden - hence, I suppose I have quite a lingering fear of opening up to people) or give me a blank stare, so I then hurriedly change the subject or laugh it off or make a joke out of it.

I've also gone through the same thing in the sense of being criticized as overly serious and I have also lost two of what I considered as my closest friends at the time. In a way, that is the reason why I keep sincerities to myself nowadays. And, just like you said, cascademn, I laugh it off, make a joke out of it, etc.

Would this also be similar though for most INxx's?? That we all only open up to a select, carefully chosen, few? I'm not sure it would be restricted to INFJ????

From what I gather from multiple profiles made on INFJ's compared to other I's in general, the extent of this behaviour is unique to INFJ's. It's 'our secret inner life' we hide, but I don't think we hide it because we want to keep it to ourselves, but we hide it because we (or I, perhaps), feel that we would be harshly criticized or misunderstood greatly for it. Sometimes I feel like bursting into a deep conversation with someone (oxymoron?), but restrain myself because of these reasons. So, instead, I use it solely when I need to call from my inner life to help a friend in need (which is usually when they're more passive about wondering what I think about on my spare time).

 

[cascadeco]

ourselves, but we hide it because we (or I, perhaps), feel that we would be harshly criticized or misunderstood greatly for it. Sometimes I feel like bursting into a deep conversation with someone (oxymoron?), but restrain myself because of these reasons.

Oh, I do this too. And it's because I HAVE been criticized/misunderstood in the past, which is why I hide. The 'problem' is that I'm internalizing past criticisms and the like too much, and applying it to everyone else I might come in contact with -- and they aren't all going to react negatively towards me. They just aren't!! I know this! I mean, I DO have friends. That's the proof!

An INFJ friend wrote this to me the other day -

>It's hard to know who to open up to and who you can't. But without risking >being hurt, it'd be impossible to open up to anyone. I know you know this, >it's just a hard thing to do. Totally understandable. It's rather like a sifting >process to see who you can and who you can't open up to. And it's not >straightforward.

 

[INTJMom]

Interesting to see that we are alike in this. In elementary, I was very much a child of curiosity. Seemingly fearless, I stick my head into everything. Then as I got older, I've become more withdrawn. I'm not certain if development of Fe and to some extent Fi and relating that to Ni have to do with the change. I also sensed that people do not think and feel about situations the same way as I. That lead to less sharing of myself. ...

I have become more and more withdrawn, too.

 

[Scruffy1123]

It's hard to know who to open up to and who you can't. But without risking >being hurt, it'd be impossible to open up to anyone. I know you know this, >it's just a hard thing to do. Totally understandable. It's rather like a sifting >process to see who you can and who you can't open up to. And it's not >straightforward.

This was what I was thinking as I read through the discussion. I really identify with the posts people have been making and the comments. I often feel so lonely, like there is no one I can safely open that piece of myself to.

For me, I find one place, situation, or person where I can be open. Maybe one friend from a long time ago who still keeps trust, a calm location that charges my batteries a bit, or something. Then I can get back out there and get through the awkwardness that is social situations and me.

I had a job in dorms as an undergrad student, and while I thrived on it for the first year (I had the smallest hall of girls to get to know, and it was great for the idealist and world-shaker in me), the second year when I had to try to do it all over again took everything out of me. I had one long distance friend who I called when it just got too overwhelming, and I kind of let that get me through. But I know I had it amazingly well in that regard - I've run into a lot of serious people in my lifetime and clung to them for dear life. And somehow they don't all get scared off.

So, yeah, I try to remember to focus on the little things that are still there when I hit super-lonely-panic mode.

 

[shadowstormz]

This was what I was thinking as I read through the discussion. I really identify with the posts people have been making and the comments. I often feel so lonely, like there is no one I can safely open that piece of myself to.

For me, I find one place, situation, or person where I can be open. Maybe one friend from a long time ago who still keeps trust, a calm location that charges my batteries a bit, or something. Then I can get back out there and get through the awkwardness that is social situations and me.

I had a job in dorms as an undergrad student, and while I thrived on it for the first year (I had the smallest hall of girls to get to know, and it was great for the idealist and world-shaker in me), the second year when I had to try to do it all over again took everything out of me. I had one long distance friend who I called when it just got too overwhelming, and I kind of let that get me through. But I know I had it amazingly well in that regard - I've run into a lot of serious people in my lifetime and clung to them for dear life. And somehow they don't all get scared off.

So, yeah, I try to remember to focus on the little things that are still there when I hit super-lonely-panic mode.

I can definitely relate with freakish similarity of situation. Right now I'm in second year living in dorms. First year, I ended up in one of the two smallest dorm buildings on campus ( 60 people? ) and it was perfect because I knew everyone on my floor and that was enough for me. Now that I'm in second year, everyone's a bit scattered and although I didn't really confide in them all, the ones I did are gone and I'm left to try to start over. If I find any serious people that I get along with, I should do the same and never let go, hehe.

I'll take your advice and try to focus on what I do have.