and so the roller coaster brakes have been found- by me

[AzulEyes]

And so this roller coaster ride I've been on
that has challenged my sense of reality
where I've questioned my own sanity
where I have been muted like no other
there is never anything I can say or do
to talk or walk or blink in a way
that is acceptable
or not excused for being too busy
too busy to see me blink or walk or talk
yet plenty of time to play wolf man
to an unsuspecting audience
charming even the underaged
into a crazy melodrama
and not an emotion of mine can be shared
be it "rational" "logical" or real
that is acceptable or understood
only to set off
an explosive and hideous display
of hot fire and coal
hot lava pouring down my neck
burning my chest
and burning my soul
as he kicks me to the ground
and kneels over me as I burn
kicks his knee into my ribs
to hold me down
while he grasps my neck
and plunges the knife in
and again
and again
and again
as the blood seeps out of my nostrils
mouth
chest
abdomen
I beg for mercy
only for him to take out a larger knife
and plunge it into my side
slash my face
and my head
I said something to save me
that time
I can't even recall what it was
enough time for him to take
a cigarette break
leaving me alone to try and fight to survive
nursing my wounds
all of them burning from the stinging tears
flowing from my eyes
I stare out into the sky
and can't imagine a human being
has done this to me
the pain is so intense I black out
and when I wake up
the pain is still there
I pray for mercy from God
I know I am deserving of punishment
but can He give me some mercy
for this pain is too much
and I try again to communicate
and it sets off the rage again
again I'm pinned
knee holding me firm to the ground
breaking my ribs
hand firmly on my neck
knife goes plunging in again
I can't bear it
and this time the explosion is so crazy
it is interwoven with words of love
i love you
i hate you
i love you
i hate you
the knife plunging is at a slower pace than before
but this time
I'm starting to go numb
starting to get tired
it's exhausting
getting killed
and killed
and killed
so exhausting
numbing
I'm dead
I'm exhausted
I'm numb
I'm bled out
I'm done
I don't want to love my murderer any longer
let him go to the evil lap dog dressed in black
eager to embrace the unknown like a fool in a gang war
each deserving of the other
I don't want to make love to my murderer
My taste buds can no longer taste sweet