.

[Mole]

When we enjoy company, others sense this and enjoy our company too.

 

[Mole]

Awkward silence is not the only alternative. Being bullied, ridiculed, exiled from all peer groups are some of the others. Men, especially boys, live in herds. If they are not your 'friends', they may very well be your enemies. Hiding is easier in larger cities than in small towns, though. Perhaps the one good thing about urbanization.

Society is a bit like chess. When the environment is friendly, I become visible, I come out into the middle; but when the environment is hostile, I become invisible, and hide round the edges.

 

[kyuuei]

All of my life I've been a chameleon, adjusting my behavior to better fit in at social settings. I don't particularly like this aspect of myself and occasionally I will resolve to stop pretending I am someone else and to start being my normal self (which would therefore not be normal by society's standards), but it's something I cannot stop myself from doing. At work, if other guys check out a woman's ass, I pretend to give a fuck. I'll join in and say, "oohh yeah, I'd hit that" but afterward I feel like a fucking buffoon, a brute. It's not that I don't appreciate other women's beauty, but it's low, if not nonexistent, on my priority list. It reminds me of a scene in the sitcom How I Met Your Mother wherein the character Marshall, happily married, can only justify the thought of sex with another woman by engaging in a long and elaborate fantasy in which his wife has been dead for many years and only then does he feel comfortable having relations with another woman. That is what it would take for me to really care about "tapping" other asses. Otherwise, guys seem to think something is wrong with me. Then it resembles something like that scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin in which Steve Carell is accused of being gay for not appearing enthusiastic about banging women. Granted, my reasons don't involve being a lifelong virgin, but the reaction from his coworkers is something akin to what I'd expect in my own situation.

The same thing happens with sports talk. I will feign interest in the NFL or some other sport, even going so far to sometimes verbally endorse a team I know little about--my basis for choosing a team is usually their team colors. I like the Saints because their uniforms look cool. I actually don't care about the Saints though.

I also have a terrible habit of adjusting my accent and speech to mirror whoever I am talking to. I see myself doing it and I feel like a phony, but it still happens.

It's worse around other males. Around women, I have an easier time being myself. Perhaps this is why many of my best friends throughout my life have been females. I feel less of a need to play some role, I can let my guard down a little bit.

... Having the precisely same problem in the opposite direction, I feel you entirely. I feign a lot of interest in girly things I really just... don't care about... because otherwise I will be completely isolated from many of my own gender. :/ And probably most men too, honestly.

Also, good on you not caring about the Saints. If you have to pick a team, pick the Steelers and Texans. They have classy colors, players, and awesome fans.

 

[Galena]

Sometimes, the topic of conversation isn't as important to me as just being there with other people, the energies, nonverbals, the stuff around the words. In those cases, I may well consider playing along with the flow of topics via active listening to be worth it even if it's not currently related to any of my interests. Listening is the key, though. I won't say something that doesn't mesh with my values, though others are allowed to have different ones.

 

[93JC]

Also, good on you not caring about the Saints. If you have to pick a team, pick the Steelers ... classy ... players,

Like sexual-assaulter Ben Roethlisberger?

 

[Mole]

Sometimes, the topic of conversation isn't as important to me as just being there with other people, the energies, nonverbals, the stuff around the words. In those cases, I may well consider playing along with the flow of topics via active listening to be worth it even if it's not currently related to any of my interests. Listening is the key, though. I won't say something that doesn't mesh with my values, though others are allowed to have different ones.

Yes, if I am not interested in the content of the conversation, I can focus on the form.

 

[kyuuei]

Like sexual-assaulter Ben Roethlisberger?

Nothing proven!

 

[cafe]

Reminds me when we were living in family housing on campus and all the women seemed to talk about was griping about their husbands. I told my husband I was going to have to start making bad crap up about him in order not to feel left out.

 

[Coriolis]

I find it interesting that forum interaction is one of those few places that acts opposite of normal socializing customs. Here, we come with our ideas first. We talk about psychology and mbti and so forth. But then, there is a fluff zone, where people can then go to interact in a more buffoonery way and poke fun at one another.

This is one reason I enjoy the forum.

Well it tends to alienate you from friends. Where do you go and get friends with the same interests?

If expressing dislike of or disinterest in certain topics alienates me from people, those people are not my friends, almost by definition.

 

[á´…eparted]

If expressing dislike of or disinterest in certain topics alienates me from people, those people are not my friends, almost by definition.

And it should be everyone's definition. I know a number of people who hang around with others who they aren't good mixes with. Either it's different (incompatible) personalities, different life aspirations, different interest, etc. And it results in nothing but complaining about how the other sucks. I sit there and am like "WHY are you friends with this person? Give me a rational reason as to why." and they just can't! It blows my mind. It's such a waste of energy too. Yes, change yourself around in ways that you can to get along when you need to. But when you don't? It doesn't make sense to do so.

As such, I am most certainly not one of the guys. Never have been, never will be. I have my people and that's all that matters to me . Though I do admit, I wish my friend circles were closer to other aspects of my life. Having them so separate makes me a bit sad at times.

 

[Typh0n]

You know, I was.



Ah, okay, that makes a fair deal of sense then. Sounds nice, I'm glad you have achieved that mentality. I don't know if I'll ever break myself of women

I thought you were gay?

EDIT: Nevermind I didnt get you were being ironic here. Its hard to tell, but now that you've confessed to liking women, the dots connect.

 

[Typh0n]

Anyways, to stay on topic, Id like to say to the OP that being married is a completely understandeable reason to not want to act like "one of the guys".

 

[Coriolis]

And it should be everyone's definition. I know a number of people who hang around with others who they aren't good mixes with. Either it's different (incompatible) personalities, different life aspirations, different interest, etc. And it results in nothing but complaining about how the other sucks. I sit there and am like "WHY are you friends with this person? Give me a rational reason as to why." and they just can't! It blows my mind. It's such a waste of energy too. Yes, change yourself around in ways that you can to get along when you need to. But when you don't? It doesn't make sense to do so.

I don't mean to suggest that my friends must share all my interests, only that they should understand and accept me enough not to be put out by the fact that we do have some divergent interests, as I do for them.

Anyways, to stay on topic, Id like to say to the OP that being married is a completely understandeable reason to not want to act like "one of the guys".

So being unmarried gives a guy license to ogle and catcall after every attractive girl who comes his way? How disappointing.

 

[Typh0n]

So being unmarried gives a guy license to ogle and catcall after every attractive girl who comes his way? How disappointing.

No.

Of course not.

I just meant that the guys at the OP's workplace who do behave this way would be less likely to expect him to join in with them if he used that excuse.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

So being unmarried gives a guy license to ogle and catcall after every attractive girl who comes his way? How disappointing.

And also, should unmarried guys be made to feel like freaks for not partaking in such behavior?

 

[prplchknz]

I don't mean to suggest that my friends must share all my interests, only that they should understand and accept me enough not to be put out by the fact that we do have some divergent interests, as I do for them.

if that was the case you might as well clone yourself and raised the clones in the exact same enviroment you were raised in

 

[NK258]

And also, should unmarried guys be made to feel like freaks for not partaking in such behavior?

No.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

No.

Of course not.

I just meant that the guys at the OP's workplace who do behave this way would be less likely to expect him to join in with them if he used that excuse.

They know I'm married, and many of them have wives and girlfriends of their own. Some openly brag about cheating. I actually stood my ground once when I was asked one of those hypothetical "would you cheat if you knew you could get away with it" questions. If other guys with significant others want to do that, it's fine with me, I don't see it as my place to get involved or act self-righteous. It's a personal value for me. I don't really think I am a value-driven person, but that's one area that I will always stand firm. If it got to the point that I felt I needed to see other women, I'd rather just tell my wife what was going on and that I didn't think our marriage was going to work out.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

No.

It was more of a rhetorical question. Sorry.

 

[NK258]

It was more of a rhetorical question. Sorry.

Lol! It's okay. I'm afraid I'm kinda gullible and stupid sometimes.