[Type 3] 3 sx/so or so/sx?

[skylights]

well, as par for the course with the enneagram, i am a bit confused.

if you just came up to me and asked me my instinctual stacking, i would definitely say sx/so/sp. sp last is no question. as for sx, my relationships are mostly close one-on-ones. i'm somewhat anxious in large groups, but i'm at my happiest when in a small group within a large group (ie, couple at a party, etc.). i'm a generally congenial but sometimes very intense person (irritated enfps have been called "fireballs"... that would be accurate for me).

but then i found this thanks to the state i am in's post -

Sexual/Social Three

The focus of this subtype is less on material gain. The basic fear for this type is loss of intimate love. The sex/soc subtype, like the sex/self-pres, lacks trust in their intimates. Because they feel unworthy of true love, they don’t believe that anyone can love them solely for themselves. Therefore, they continuously strive to hold onto their intimates’ admiration, deluding themselves that if they are admired, they may become worthy of love. They do this through vigorous maintenance of their appearance, achievements, etc. Ageing is often especially difficult for this subtype.

This insecurity leads to an incessant need for reassurance from intimates, in the form of words of affirmation or time spent together (to the exclusion of others). This insatiable need often leads to intense jealousy, which only serves to distance others from them, thus erroneously affirming the Three's basic fear that they are unworthy of true love. While they share a lot with the sex/self-pres Three, the secondary social instinct adds an element of competition when it comes to questions of desirability. This subtype likes to be seen as the alpha male or alpha female.

When the sex/soc is healthier, they realize this competition is self-defeating. They can take comfort in the thought that another person’s success and attention do not take away their worth in any way.

but i find it to be inaccurate. of course i'm worthy of love. everyone is. i don't believe anyone is going to find 100% of me perfect, but i think that they can compromise, just like i can, and we can love each other 100%. i don't really care to be seen as alpha female, either. i want someone to love me for me regardless of the pack. i get a little jealous sometimes, but if anything, i trust too much.

this is much more accurate:

Social/Sexual Three

This stacking will cause most of the social variant issues described for the social/self-pres to manifest. The primary differences will be in the arena of interpersonal relationships. Because this is still a social subtype, this Three will strive for the accumulation of wealth in cultures where there is social validation for wealth. The motivation for attainment of material wealth will be derived less out of need for stability and more purely from the desire for social admiration. As with all self-preservation last types, this Three will find it difficult to expend sufficient energy in practical matters, except where there is social pressure to do so. Therefore, just as with the social/self-pres Three; this Three will have an desirable home; but most likely it will fall into disarray when visitors are not expected. With the social/self-pres stacking, there is more internal motivation (stemming from the self- preservation instinct in the secondary position) to maintain order and stability for themselves. With this soc/sexual subtype the motivation to keep up appearances is more purely external.

This type can still be materially successful, but they will not be as directly focused on this goal as the social/self-pres Three. There will be many occasions where the lure of enjoyment (even excess) will take precedence over the need to stay on the "straight and narrow." Focus on interpersonal relationships, as well as longing for intensity of experience is far more pronounced in this type of Three than in the social/self-pres. Having the social instinct backed by the sexual instinct creates the most playful energy combination, making this Three seem somewhat like a Seven. While social validation is still the primary focus, sexual validation as well as intimacy are also sought, and it is more likely for this subtype to choose “impractically” in the area of relationships (though they may keep their more “socially unacceptable” friends hidden from public scrutiny.)

When these Threes are healthy, their interpersonal skills become a useful tool for grounding themselves and for finding what they really want from life and for finding who they really are. They learn to maintain a more consistent identity, bringing all of who they really are to the forefront, which means recognizing the real self first.

it's confusing though, because i don't seek merging to keep up social status, like so/sx descriptions say. i don't need partners to give me status. i want to get that for myself. plus the strikethrough'd stuff. i just want money because i like expensive stuff

i want a partner to be... well, my partner. my equal. someone i trust and who trusts me. someone i can take care of and who takes care of me. i want a synergistic, symbiotic relationship.

unless, of course, i'm actually a 7, and that's the root of all this turmoil.

anyway. thank you for any help!

 

[Mondo]

"I just want money because I like expensive stuff."
I think you're a 7. SP-last.
Why 3 over 7?
You sound like someone I know who is definitely a 7w6 so/sx but I could see sx/so 7 for you from what you've written.
Many 7's pursue personal success because they recognize that they need the money to experience more of what life has to offer.
A 3 has different reasons for wanting success.

 

[Chloe]

Instincts description are so overblown. I dont find myself in any, so much. I am not materialistic at all but I actually think i am sp/sx if not sx/sp. Not sure how that changes with persons life situation; because if you have issues from past where you couldnt rely on anyoen of course your sp will be high. And then you resolve issues? your sx can become highest. at least i view it that way...

anway i dont see who they described in that overblown profiles - i know many confirmed 3s; none are robots who gain material wealth only to be admired omg. who are they describing?!
maybe 5% of 3s who work in hollywood, politics and other pathological liars

 

[Speed Gavroche]

Sx/So Mindset: "If I can maintain position and inclusion in the group/world, I can keep up and escalate all this merging/intensity."

So/Sx Mindset: "If I can get close to people with merging/intensity, I can make sure of and keep improving my position and inclusion in the group/world."

Sx/So want tp enlarge their social position essentially because that can allow them to increase intensity and get closer with more peoples.

So/Sx increase their on-to-one social skills because they think that can help them to enlarge their social position, but they are less close with peoples than they can appear to be, they are above all concerned with the larger social sphere.

Some famous examples:

3w2 So/Sx
Tara Reid
Tyra Banks
Shakira

3w2 Sx/So
Britney Spears
Elvis Presley
Carmen Electra

3w4 So/Sx
Sarah Michelle Gellar

3w4 Sx/So
Paris Hilton
David Bowie
Madonna

7w6 So/Sx
Brad Pitt
Jack Black
Sasha Baron Cohen
Kirsten Dunst

7w6 Sx/So
Drew Barrymore
Bono
Robert Plant
Megan Fox
Cindy Lauper

7w8 So/Sx
Snoop Dogg
Quentin Tarantino
Jack Nicholson

7w8 Sx/So
Mick Jagger
Mae West
Iggy Pop

 

[skylights]

"I just want money because I like expensive stuff."
I think you're a 7. SP-last.
Why 3 over 7?
You sound like someone I know who is definitely a 7w6 so/sx but I could see sx/so 7 for you from what you've written.
Many 7's pursue personal success because they recognize that they need the money to experience more of what life has to offer.
A 3 has different reasons for wanting success.

definitely sp last, lol!

it's been a very hard choice actually. i feel i'm like 50% each i chose 3 because i relate more to the 3 basic fear of being worthless, and basic desire of wanting to feel valuable, more than the 7 basic fear of being deprived and in pain - though this - the 7 "Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled" seems true. i don't feel like i avoid pain though, which is so much of what 7 profiles talk about. i mean, no one likes pain, but i don't feel more hung up about it than most people. i am very image conscious, though. this is true, from the 7 profile: "As long as Sevens can keep their minds occupied, especially with projects and positive ideas for the future, they can, to some extent, keep anxiety and negative feelings out of conscious awareness." but i'm also very image conscious. i'm used to being the top student in my class and i get a huge kick out of showing others up with my projects. this is true from the 3 profile: "They want success because they are afraid of disappearing into a chasm of emptiness and worthlessness: without the increased attention and feeling of accomplishment which success usually brings, Threes fear that they are nobody and have no value." i am not very good at boxing up my emotions, though. i actually really suck at that.

on the other hand, i do want a nice life and a high profile career, and admittedly it's in part so i can say that i've been successful - so that i can show people that i'm not a failure in life. and to prove to myself that just because someone else did better than me on whatever tests or because they got more scholarships or whatever doesn't mean i'm not valuable too. but seriously, i also just want money so i can travel. and have a fast car. and a place on the water (or with a pool), because i REALLY love swimming, and adults aren't allowed to goof off in most swimming pools. i dunno. i'm always torn between just being myself and being ridiculous and FREE and always wanting to look good and be impressive.

whichever enneagram type i am, i seem to have a huge chunk of the other in me.

Instincts description are so overblown. I dont find myself in any, so much. I am not materialistic at all but I actually think i am sp/sx if not sx/sp. Not sure how that changes with persons life situation; because if you have issues from past where you couldnt rely on anyoen of course your sp will be high. And then you resolve issues? your sx can become highest. at least i view it that way...

anway i dont see who they described in that overblown profiles - i know many confirmed 3s; none are robots who gain material wealth only to be admired omg. who are they describing?!

i know. it seems like 3s get an especially bad rap. you can be image seeking without being ridiculously superficial.

i see what you mean about life situations, too. i'm actually pretty good about taking care of myself because i've had a lot of health issues, so i'm very aware of that kind of thing. but i know, that if i'm with another person or a group, i definitely prioritize the "us" over the "me". sometimes to my own detriment... and then there are just other little things about myself that don't seem sp. so i'm quite convinced i'm not sp, even though i take good care of my health.

Sx/So Mindset: "If I can maintain position and inclusion in the group/world, I can keep up and escalate all this merging/intensity."

So/Sx Mindset: "If I can get close to people with merging/intensity, I can make sure of and keep improving my position and inclusion in the group/world."

Sx/So want tp enlarge their social position essentially because that can allow them to increase intensity and get closer with more peoples.

So/Sx increase their on-to-one social skills because they think that can help them to enlarge their social position, but they are less close with peoples than they can appear to be, they are above all concerned with the larger social sphere.

...i'm neither of these? i dunno. i like having a lot of friends but i really love being very close with one person. it's more comfortable and gives me anchoring to face the big external world. i feel like i want to be a part of the social world because i want to do good for a lot of people. i want to have a big impact, and i can't do that unless i reach a lot of people. you know that feeling you get at a concert, where everyone is all singing in unison? i think that's awesome. a group of people united can really change things. but i love the comfort and closeness of tight individual relationships, too. i don't feel like the two are related... i don't think of being social as a way to get tight relationships or vice versa. i feel like i pursue the two connections for entirely different reasons. that's why i'm so confused.

thanks for the famous examples!! i think i relate to the "feeling" of the sx's more. they're less... polished. more animated. though maybe that was just the ones i watched