Mysterious15
New member
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2011
- Messages
- 48
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 5
As I am sure no one will look at this, I can rant as much as I want without fear. 
I have a dream to write a book, even though my skill is really low, I am sure that if I research and try hard I can.
The problem is my family, its not that they won't support it, well that is possible, its that they will go to two extremes.
My father has given up hope on trying to force us to study the career he thinks is best, after my elder brothers failure he has said that he will not say anything again about our careers. Apparently this includes me, I want to do what he had envisioned for my older brother, but whatever I do will always be not enough. I am a girl; he is a boy. My duties are different, a son has more responsibility on that side, etc.
If I even let a hint slip about a book he will at once make me face two choices, I either give up studies and write, or give up writing and study. Because I can never do both at the same time. He will not listen, and the fact that I have already written up to eight prologues (and first chapters- sometimes second ones too) all under his nose will be nothing.
On the other hand my brother will support the idea but agree with me not going into future education a.k.a university and do the thing my dad wanted him to do.
I am sure I can do both, but they all think not, also there will be lots of discouraging from my dad's side. Well he will sulk but I know he will not approve of it.
My mom on the other hand is an entirely different matter, the reason I never show anything is that I don't want to be looked at. When my mother begins praising me in parties with all those stares I receive (never-mind they are her 'good' friends) I just don't like it. When someone says I am amazing (when it is so obvious that it is a crime putting even the WORD and my NAME in the same sentence) I feel very skeptical, I know my abilities and they are ANYTHING but great. My mother wants to be proud of me, I know that, but its just that the people 'she' trusts 'I' don't trust. This has been a reason for conflict on many occasions and now she knows nothing about me. Actually very few people know much about me which raises a sense of both security and loneliness. Well she will support the idea but again force me to drop the idea of university. I have come to the conclusion that I should just write the thing, get it checked over by my English teacher then tell them. They will feel hurt for me not telling them before but honestly all of them have lost my trust. I don't and never will trust them, I do love them all but showing them myself when they could kill me with a few words goes against my sense of self-preservation. Wow I wrote a lot didn't I?
My mother is an ESFJ and I am constantly in her 'bad books' because I don't tell her things, she just scolded me yesterday that her friend could log in her daughters laptop and see whatever she has while I 'make the screen blank' as soon as she appears.
I just can not show it to her, regardless of me doing nothing wrong, I can not show her what I think, what I am doing, and what I like. She is always trying to correct me, (I am very grateful for that) and she could let anything slip to anybody, what she feels is nothing to me is very important. I CAN NOT TRUST THEM........simple reason is because our sense of what is a secret and what is not does not match.
Oh wow.....I wonder if anyone will read this? Who would waste their time reading something so absurd, jeez I shouldn't be so full of myself. Well thats all for now, maybe I will rant in here again
Bye Mr. Blog~
I have a dream to write a book, even though my skill is really low, I am sure that if I research and try hard I can.
The problem is my family, its not that they won't support it, well that is possible, its that they will go to two extremes.
My father has given up hope on trying to force us to study the career he thinks is best, after my elder brothers failure he has said that he will not say anything again about our careers. Apparently this includes me, I want to do what he had envisioned for my older brother, but whatever I do will always be not enough. I am a girl; he is a boy. My duties are different, a son has more responsibility on that side, etc.
If I even let a hint slip about a book he will at once make me face two choices, I either give up studies and write, or give up writing and study. Because I can never do both at the same time. He will not listen, and the fact that I have already written up to eight prologues (and first chapters- sometimes second ones too) all under his nose will be nothing.
On the other hand my brother will support the idea but agree with me not going into future education a.k.a university and do the thing my dad wanted him to do.
I am sure I can do both, but they all think not, also there will be lots of discouraging from my dad's side. Well he will sulk but I know he will not approve of it.
My mom on the other hand is an entirely different matter, the reason I never show anything is that I don't want to be looked at. When my mother begins praising me in parties with all those stares I receive (never-mind they are her 'good' friends) I just don't like it. When someone says I am amazing (when it is so obvious that it is a crime putting even the WORD and my NAME in the same sentence) I feel very skeptical, I know my abilities and they are ANYTHING but great. My mother wants to be proud of me, I know that, but its just that the people 'she' trusts 'I' don't trust. This has been a reason for conflict on many occasions and now she knows nothing about me. Actually very few people know much about me which raises a sense of both security and loneliness. Well she will support the idea but again force me to drop the idea of university. I have come to the conclusion that I should just write the thing, get it checked over by my English teacher then tell them. They will feel hurt for me not telling them before but honestly all of them have lost my trust. I don't and never will trust them, I do love them all but showing them myself when they could kill me with a few words goes against my sense of self-preservation. Wow I wrote a lot didn't I?
My mother is an ESFJ and I am constantly in her 'bad books' because I don't tell her things, she just scolded me yesterday that her friend could log in her daughters laptop and see whatever she has while I 'make the screen blank' as soon as she appears.
I just can not show it to her, regardless of me doing nothing wrong, I can not show her what I think, what I am doing, and what I like. She is always trying to correct me, (I am very grateful for that) and she could let anything slip to anybody, what she feels is nothing to me is very important. I CAN NOT TRUST THEM........simple reason is because our sense of what is a secret and what is not does not match.
Oh wow.....I wonder if anyone will read this? Who would waste their time reading something so absurd, jeez I shouldn't be so full of myself. Well thats all for now, maybe I will rant in here again
Bye Mr. Blog~
