Could you explain more about how you learned to not walk on egg shells? I'm just wondering because my NT ex talked about walking on egg shells around me when we went through a particularly difficult period. I didn't even know he was doing that! My concern after he told me was that I had induced this response in him without wanting that to happen. It seems like you can't have honest communication if one person feels like they have to monitor what they say or how they act around you.
Sure. Walking on egg shells happens when the infj is at an average level, not good, not terrible. I'd call it low average level. It happens when the infj is upset about something or somethings. This could be legit, or exaggerated reaction by the infj, or imagined. It is when the infj is very short, snappy in a negative way and finds fault with just about everything of the other. Often times this reaction comes across as pouting, disproportional to the offending action. The non infj can fight and argue but the sense is that the infj needs space and quiet. This doesn't work either because it is very important to the infj that you don't ignore them. Nothing seems to work to make the infj feel better. There is a concern by non-infj that nothing the non-infj can say or do will be greeted bu anything but negativity, not calm, objective, rational, reality. And the non-infj recognizes this mood of the infj and doesn't want rhe time and stress of dealing with too much negative feelings, which is exhausting and unnecessary. No balance.
So first it is hypersensitivity, overreaction, as well as finding fault with every little thing. It is also overanalyzing, overinterpreting comments, gestures from everyone in a negative way, when most of them are not meant to hurt you. It is also correcting people. Then when distance is given, pouting begins and it is a game of hide and seek. If this happens often or if an incident is prolonged, this is exhausting to the non-infj.
What I learned is a good balance. At first I am sympathetic, direct, caring, calm, polite, and this works quickly sometimes. But if the infj carries on too long about it, I just live my life normally.
Random example: She stays home instead of picking up food or running an errand. I will keep living life and getting it done with or without her. She likes to cook sometimes, as do I. She will stop entirely, trying to punish me in a small way. I will just do it. I will acknowledge her punishing me sometimes and her pouting. But if it is disproportional or too much I keep getting things done. If I am at fault, I am apologetic right away and I do the work until I believe she is carrying on too long about it.
What I learned is to be positive and supportive daily, which I was and am. Then it is up to me to be willing to calmly say enough is enough about whatever it is and keep living daily instead of coddling to her feelings. This takes healthy self esteem. I make sure to say I understand your feelings and respect them before I say enough is enough because ignoring an infj really angers them.
In the beginning I was too nice and tolerant of the egg shells. The only times I ever got a little snappy back was if I was ever corrected by her in public. That's a big no no.
The egg shells happened once in a while, but not that often. The infj can quickly realize he/she is overreacting and calms down. The infj can pout longer, then later over compensate by trying too hard to give the other attention, or in more extreme cases it can lead to a door slam.
It is up to me to be healthy for both myself and the infj and try my best. If I have healthy self esteem then that is plenty good enough for me. More often I would help my infj loosen up about small things that others did to irritate her and not me. Egg shells were not common but happened once in a while. If it was common it likely would have led to the end of the relationship much sooner.
Nobody is perfect. I have many character flaws and areas of needed improvement that I manage daily. So I don't expect nor want perfection in return. She was much better when not perfectionistic, just wanting good quality. So I have learned to take more control of myself in the situation and not let the infj wallow in hurt feelings. I keep living with or without her, preferably with of course. But I have learned that if the egg shells are unreasonable, to stand my ground and be okay with her response because it is 50/50 not just about the infj. If the infj can't see that, time to move on in life.
It's the thought or idea of doing my best and letting things fall where they fall and that's good enough. One person cannot dictate emotions, feelings, actions in a relationship. Many recipients of egg shells coddle the infj every time which lowers the non-infj's self esteem because they don't want to be yelled at or be embarrassed in public. That is too exhausting and too self defeating. The non-infj has to be okay with conflict and focus more on what's fair not just what the infj wants. That is a risk that the non-infj has to be willing to take. And, if the non-infj has healthy self-esteem they will.
I suggest your person tell you every time when it's egg shells, right away, early so it can be nipped in the bud quickly. Then you both have to decide was it big or small or nothing and solve accordingly.
I told mine when she would vent about a taxi driver or store clerk, etc.. that not everyone has the best day every day and it's not a big deal, after I agree first. Again this didn't happen often but the pattern was easy to spot. She even jokingly called herself a cranky toddler when in this state which I lovingly and jokingly would say later on as a warning for her. Humor helps a lot. Getting the infj to be less serious and laugh especially at oneself was very valuable.
For you, the infj, I would sit down with a friend or someone who knows and has seen the egg shells and you could get a better understanding to be able to recognize it in yourself so that you can better decide if your acrions or responses are appropriate for the events or situation.
Early direct communication, in person helps most.