Guys, this is an amazing example of what can happen when expectations and open mindedness is used to bring all types together and creatively brainstorm. There is a level of constructive feedback here that is breathtakingly beautiful.
This is something I'd like to better understand. I think that because of how I process feeling, I can't fathom how those feelings can feel as personal and unchangeable (I guess values based?) as they do. Can anyone explain more to me about what that feels like? My whole decision making processes are predicated on being able to to analyze and transform my feelings, so imagining a world where that wasn't how decisions are made is really hard for me (again, I realize I'm talking about Ni flavoured Fe).
I used to be like that. I felt like I couldn't change the emotion I was experiencing - and I still have some triggers that I cannot change. And when Fe-users demand you do so, it feels like they want you to
lie both to yourself and them for their own comfort level, as you have no clue how to execute what they are asking for. It is like being told by someone to ignore the splitting migraine you re going through coz you shouldn't have it in the first place. And it breeds resentment to have that expectation put on you.
Otoh, over the years, I've noticed that if you get the time, space and inclination to
examine that emotion, follow it back to where it came from and notice the pattern of when it appears, you are at least one step closer to - what I call- disabling it, instead of wasting energy on repressing it. But that requires you to a) become aware of the fact that you re in the throws of it, instead of just acting on it as a kneejerk reaction and b) that others give you a chance - and as an ENFP preferably a soundboard - to actually complete that process, instead of insisting you stop it right now!
Once you have the cause pinpointed, you can backtrack which belief or anxiety is causing it and why. Then you examine *why* that fear or belief exists and whether or not it is in fact useful to you, and what you would like to replace it with if the answer is no. This process takes oodles of time though. After that, there is still the process of implementation and actively paying attention to stopping the kneejerk reaction. So yeah..it takes a while.
The reason it takes so long is because we need to see the whole picture since the response mustve originated somewhere. It is there, to pretend it aint just seems...blatantly wrong. It feels like lying to yourself when you force the emotional response to fit the outcome you want. However, if you can backtrack where it comes from and alter the causes of the response itself more to your own preferences, the integrity of the emotional information is preserved and the process becomes reliable, crystal clear and tailored to your very own beliefs. You become for that matter consciously aware of what *is* in fact important to you as a person, instead of just randomly responding to remnants of traumatic experiences from the past, or beliefs that are forcefed to you throughout your life by others - and whose integrity isnt guaranteed in the same way.
And it is, at least for me, in that way that I declutter my own emotional responses, and reprogram them in a way that is acceptable to me, authenticity and integrity guaranteed, in order to come to the outcome that I want. But yeah...it is a retarded amount of work. I wish in that respect that I could do it like an Fe-user does
AS for when those -including me- are still figuring things out - for them, their response is very much genuine and authentic, and to have others demand they sacrifice its integrity and authenticity is like asking them to throw away and condemn their very own make-up, and the dna sequence to our soul - something that could teach us - and others, which is how we love - what we re all about. Iow, it is sacrilege
Otoh, Ive also had to learn the hard way that connecting with people does not mean to them what it means to me. To me, connecting with others is about stripping emotionally naked and seeing them the same way - warts and all. That means you get to see my hang ups, the things Im still working on and the genuine emotional responses. It took me forever to see *why* others didn't do this - coz it makes for a more constructive, goal-oriented group/society that can accomplish a lot together if they keep their personal emotional distance, while still being emotionally connected. It took me ages to figure out the reason for it, and even more time to figure out the 'appropriate' emotional distance that was required for this. And even now, it still is taxing to me, especially in a one-on-one capacity, at times.
Yeah, that sounds like a great response! I don't think the issue is so much relating your own personal experience (Fe users do that too). It's just remembering to bring it back around to the person in question and their problem. Most people like to know that they are not alone, particularly when it's an issue that is really making them question their own competence or ability at something that matters to them. Probably too, the more overtly you can state your intentions (as you have here), the better!
This too took me forever, as other Fi-users just automatically seem to associate their own experiences - especially fellow Ne users, and spontaneously contribute. It becomes a crazy loop of associations, and you feel like peas in a pod coz you re venting about similar things, related things and see how they handled those situations. Its a combo of getting solutions through stories and venting.
With Fe-users, it made me at times stop...wait for them to contribute, have an awkward silence and panic, send my Ne in overdrive to tell another story, till I was stuck in an NeSi loop and couldnt stop coz you are terrified of the silence. Once I figured out that I should do the full circle and keep the story shorter, to get the back and forth thing going, it was a ton easier to communicate with Fe-users and feel comfortable with them
I try to do a combo of the two styles nowadays, if I get a chance. I ll automatically - like this post - speak from the 'I' perspective, but I ll try to bring it back to you by stating what to me is the obvious connection and relate it to the other person, then ask them again about how they experienced it specifically, and essentially giving them the mic. I still have to watch it that I dont get caught up in story-telling time when I get super jazzed about a topic though
warning, demo-attempt:
So yeah, I definitely agree with
you that it is vital to learn that Fe-users wait politely for their turn and you have to explicitly return the spotlight to them in order to keep the conversation flowing, even if it perhaps seems stating the obvious to you as an Fi-user. And I absolutely love that you are attempting to integrate both Fi and Fe approaches by learning from this thread into your interaction style. Ive found myself that it helps cover all your bases and strengthens bonds. Besides, there is something to combining both the sharing info, povs and getting to know you part that Fi-users do, and the group strengthening goal oriented tactic of Fe-users. In fact, Id say this thread is demonstrating it to be a perfect storm when combined properly.
I'm also curious to see what it looks like from your side; what is it like to try and integrate Fi into a primarily Fe frame of mind?