so...have we gotten to a good place here or what?
Yes. Now I'm going to
undo all that move the discussion forward.
OK so I've been trying to write a list for Fe like Fidelia did for Fi. This was hard for me to do (stupid Fi mind traps keep getting in the way!) and I'm sure I've missed some important aspects or have failed to express myself well. Basically I feel very uneasy and uncertain about the whole thing, so please don't hate me.
Taking her lead:
I think I irritate Fe users in the following ways:
- I don't realise the implications my words have and don't pick up the signals that Fe is sending me.
- I tend to be either too literal or too impenetrably esoteric in my communication methods; neither tends to be very appealing to Fe.
- I have no idea how to actually relate to people. I can't build bridges; all I can do is deal in subjective information and hope that a bridge, somehow, inadvertently gets built in the process. Actually, to be more accurate, I just hope that the chasm will magically close and that a bridge won't be necessary at all. With every interaction I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping it somehow works out. I suppose this seems like immense incompetency and unnecessarily indirect to Fe-users, if not, a refusal to oblige others. But I don't have a clue how to take the direct route.
- I'm not good at feigning things I don't feel or mean. When I do attempt to feign things, even for the sake of politeness, I'm a terrible actor. I'm very uncomfortable with doing this and my resistance may seem selfish or self-indulgent. Sometimes, I can genuinely become incredibly stubborn when I don't get my way and passive aggressively inflict my displeasure on others.
- When someone seems too decisive in declaring a judgement of a person, a situation, a moral question etc, I hear it as them declaring an absolute, objective truth. I am very resistant and easily offended by this, and can cause a bit of a scene because of it.
- I can sometimes force my evaluations on others because I think my rationale is the only valid one. I can be self-righteous and a know-it-all.
- In many ways, I tend to care more about the information than the package. This can be insensitive.
- I lump in emotional content, with factual content, with subjective observations, etc, and expect people to decipher and filter out the meaning and intention behind it. I can juggle all these factors in my head but this approach forces Fe users to guess. And when they guess incorrectly I get pretty impatient and pissed off. This isn't really fair.
- I expect my feelings to be accepted at face value. I don't like to justify them. When people express that they don't understand why I might feel a certain way, I take it as criticism or an attempt to undermine me.
- I evaluate people by comparing and contrasting my perception of person's inner state with how they're behaving externally. This seen as strange, intrusive and unfair because I'm weighing up things people haven't overtly said and base it on factors which others see as irrelevant details (?). It can be like judging someone for something they haven't done and might never intend to act on. I also can get this wrong (or be just slightly off) and it seems unfairly presumptive and an unnecessary distraction to the matter.
- Ideas or vibes that come to me from others (especially negative things) can accumulate in me without anyone knowing it. I'm often building a picture of a person, or a situation, or a point of discussion in my head by taking in or evaluating underlying aspects. I can then react to that without warning, which seems crazy, out of the blue and totally out of proportion.
- I believe that a lot of interpersonal problems come from a lack of perspective. For that reason I try to explain and clarify things, and to Fe-users it can seem like I’m justifying negative behaviour. Perhaps this can also seem naïve and a bit of a cop-out, because sometimes you have to place more significant on the face value (???). It perhaps doesn't help that the line between understanding something and justifying something is much clearer to me than it is to Fe users, and I regularly forget that.
Some things I have had to hammer through are:
- When I am just saying something I think/feel with no implications or expectations, Fe users often hear what you say as a judgement or a demand for action. I need to find a way to communicate my internal state without it seeming like that. Sometimes more information is the key - if I explain why I am saying something (what I need to get out of it) it will stop the negative assumptions. Fe users really care about knowing intentions. It's still hard for me to remember to do this.
- Fe needs to separate facts from emotional data. They can’t juggle both like I can, and need more neutrality. I have to learn to be extra careful about this in emotionally charged situations.
- I can hold multiple, seemingly contradictory points of view. I can play devil’s advocate, without really believing what I’m preaching. Fe users don’t do this. They only sees me as taking a side (usually against them) and perceive my claims of being open to both perspectives as disingenuous. I don’t know what else to get this across to them, or even if they will find this sort of thinking/behaviour can be acceptable to them.
- I often need other people to admit fallibility to some extent; either explicitly or implicitly. Too much certainty is like a personal insult to me. I honestly don't get how people can sound certain and not intend to be. I don't know how to reconcile this.
- Fe compares the information with the package and decides how to take it. If the package isn't satisfactory, all their attention goes on this and the information will be lost on them. I need to work on the packaging side more. However, I'm not very good at thinking through all the implications of things beforehand.
- I need to find a way to work out what Fe users need from me; how to reciprocate, show appreciation, comfort them etc.
- Realise Fe needs to work through emotions externally and to not take it too seriously.
- This is something that bothers other Fi users more, but I thought I’d mention it for their sake: Fe fakeness. I think it's not affectation if it’s done out of sensitivity for the feelings of others. It does bother me when people suppress their feelings and it’s not done out of respect and consideration for others (even if they may think it is).
- I don’t ‘speak’ Fe and don’t pick up on what they consider to be clear signals. I then look like an insensitive jerk to them, when I fail to respond accordingly. I have no idea how to fix that. I can’t see things that I don’t, and surely I can’t be blamed for something I didn’t intend to do. It feels like someone else makes the rules, doesn’t tell me about them, and then punishes me when I break them. My surprise and upset reaction is then seen as playing stupid. I do try my best to accommodate but it doesn't seem to do the job sufficiently. Again, I don't know what to do about that.
My brain hurts now...