CubeWuerfel
New member
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2016
- Messages
- 12
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 5w4
With us, it's always an up and down within our relationship, with the same old patterns re-emerging again and again... and I'm well aware of what I've gotten myself into -at least so I'd like to think, and I'm ready for whatever kind of effort success in this one demands in order to break the cycle we're trapped in. I feel pretty clueless however about how to approach this the right way though it seems overly...even ridiculously simple.
Basically, what all the issues with my 8w7 are about (as I am experiencing it at least):
Him (8w7): Are you still talking to your ex? Do you talk often?
Me (5w4): Yeah and what...no, we were just casually talking.
Him (8w7): Does he know you have a boyfriend?
Me (5w4): No, he doesn't.
Him (8w7): Why? Are you interested in keeping things open with him?
Me (5w4): No, I'm certainly not. I didn't tell him because I think it's really none of his business. He shouldn't get too involved in my life.
Him (8w7): But he's still interested in you?
Me (5w4): I don't know but I don't care either way.
Him (8w7): It's pretty obvious he is and I don't understand why in this case you did not go ahead and tell him.
Me (5w4): Even if he was interested, it wouldn't change anything because I know I am not, we don't even talk about such matters and I don't feel the need t-
Him (8w7): WHY would anyone, why would YOU keep in touch with an ex that obviously has romantic interests in you?
Me (5w4): As said, I have no idea about how he feels and I don't care-
Him (8w7): It's just so obvious, so obvious... and you're giving him false hopes and you're talking to him and other guys behind my back, without me ever knowing you could lead a double-life and that would be completely wrong. How do I know you won't cheat on me? And this other guy you told me about once, is it someone you used to have romantic feelings for?
Me (5w4): *overwhelmed* ...No (thinking: how the fuck did we even end up here, I thought it was about different expectations in relationships, like "is it ok to talk to an ex?" or "should you inform your partner about whom you talk to?" but now it has turned to something much bigger...I don't get it anymore...what's happening, was it me perhaps who did something wrong?)
Him: Reaallyyy
Me: Yes.
Later:
Me (5w4): Okay I admit it, he is someone I used to have feelings for.
Him (8w7): You lied to me in the face multiple times, that's so wrong and pathetic you simply lacked courage to speak the truth in fear I could change my view of you..... and I hate that about women...*continues ranting*
Me (5w4): Whoa, I was pressured you know, you asked so many questions, I didn't mean to lie, I'm sorry about that, I'm not good with pressure, I need lots of time to think...
Him: Now you're saying my desire to know the truth made you lie or what.
Me: (annoyed) No, I'm saying I just don't do well with the way you told me!
...either it will continue like this or start all over to end like this again after we've had a break, eventually it will.
I do not get it. I guess he's too busy being angry and trying to control the relationship, and I bet he's sending lots of signals here...that I just don't seem to receive. I rely a lot on facts, on what is clearly and directly communicated while he likes interpreting body languages and looking for hidden meanings and the whole spectrum of information to the point he accuses me of things that don't exist just because his intuition read something and it's sooo annoying, I just want a proper talk with him, no interrupting, no aggressive or dismissive body language (I simply ignore those but I guess this makes it even worse?), no insults, no yelling, just stating the facts calmly so you can work on a solution. That's my type 5 way to handle things. But it doesn't work so far. Sometimes it's just to much for me and I walk away and withdraw to process all this (and he can get even more mad or imaptient bc of this).
But what DOES work? I've never ever encountered these kinds of problems in past relationships, I didn't think I'd ever have them too...
Basically, what all the issues with my 8w7 are about (as I am experiencing it at least):
Him (8w7): Are you still talking to your ex? Do you talk often?
Me (5w4): Yeah and what...no, we were just casually talking.
Him (8w7): Does he know you have a boyfriend?
Me (5w4): No, he doesn't.
Him (8w7): Why? Are you interested in keeping things open with him?
Me (5w4): No, I'm certainly not. I didn't tell him because I think it's really none of his business. He shouldn't get too involved in my life.
Him (8w7): But he's still interested in you?
Me (5w4): I don't know but I don't care either way.
Him (8w7): It's pretty obvious he is and I don't understand why in this case you did not go ahead and tell him.
Me (5w4): Even if he was interested, it wouldn't change anything because I know I am not, we don't even talk about such matters and I don't feel the need t-
Him (8w7): WHY would anyone, why would YOU keep in touch with an ex that obviously has romantic interests in you?
Me (5w4): As said, I have no idea about how he feels and I don't care-
Him (8w7): It's just so obvious, so obvious... and you're giving him false hopes and you're talking to him and other guys behind my back, without me ever knowing you could lead a double-life and that would be completely wrong. How do I know you won't cheat on me? And this other guy you told me about once, is it someone you used to have romantic feelings for?
Me (5w4): *overwhelmed* ...No (thinking: how the fuck did we even end up here, I thought it was about different expectations in relationships, like "is it ok to talk to an ex?" or "should you inform your partner about whom you talk to?" but now it has turned to something much bigger...I don't get it anymore...what's happening, was it me perhaps who did something wrong?)
Him: Reaallyyy
Me: Yes.
Later:
Me (5w4): Okay I admit it, he is someone I used to have feelings for.
Him (8w7): You lied to me in the face multiple times, that's so wrong and pathetic you simply lacked courage to speak the truth in fear I could change my view of you..... and I hate that about women...*continues ranting*
Me (5w4): Whoa, I was pressured you know, you asked so many questions, I didn't mean to lie, I'm sorry about that, I'm not good with pressure, I need lots of time to think...
Him: Now you're saying my desire to know the truth made you lie or what.
Me: (annoyed) No, I'm saying I just don't do well with the way you told me!
...either it will continue like this or start all over to end like this again after we've had a break, eventually it will.
I do not get it. I guess he's too busy being angry and trying to control the relationship, and I bet he's sending lots of signals here...that I just don't seem to receive. I rely a lot on facts, on what is clearly and directly communicated while he likes interpreting body languages and looking for hidden meanings and the whole spectrum of information to the point he accuses me of things that don't exist just because his intuition read something and it's sooo annoying, I just want a proper talk with him, no interrupting, no aggressive or dismissive body language (I simply ignore those but I guess this makes it even worse?), no insults, no yelling, just stating the facts calmly so you can work on a solution. That's my type 5 way to handle things. But it doesn't work so far. Sometimes it's just to much for me and I walk away and withdraw to process all this (and he can get even more mad or imaptient bc of this).
But what DOES work? I've never ever encountered these kinds of problems in past relationships, I didn't think I'd ever have them too...