Hmm...
I dunno, if you had done something like that to me, I would have appreciated the fact that you owned up to your own error and apologized, and I would done so in kind because I respect a person who gets up the courage to make themselves vulnerable by putting their feelings or pride on the line. I often find it difficult to admit (to other people) when I'm wrong, so I admire a person who does the right thing.
Marmalade is right in that ESFPs can be touchy. They can have all the bluntness and tact (in that they have none) of an ESTP, but the big difference I've personally seen is that while an ESTP might respect and even enjoy the fact that you've hurled what they've thrown right back at them, the ESFP often can't take what they dish and will have a big emotional response to what was said. It's like, "I can treat you this way but you can't treat me the way I treat you." I know an ESFP like this. Very frustrating.
The only reason I think an ESTP would react the way you've described is if he thought you were clearly in the wrong somehow and did not accept your apology (in my opinion, there are some things you can't mend with an apology, but those are rather extreme cases), or he is on the immature side or took what you said as a blow to his pride. ESTPs can have anger issues and blameshift when we don't want to admit fault. If you track an event back far enough it'll always be someone else's fault. You might've taken a shot at his ego or something. I can't say without knowing what you wrote to him.
Writing back to explain why he hurt you might be a good idea. Playing to his sense of fairness (or cause and effect: I did action A, you did action B and C, this is why your actions hurt me) might get him to undestand what a jackass he was. But, if he's not willing to admit that he was wrong, it'll just be wasted effort on your part.
Just as an added note, saying that I don't want to talk about it is something I do when I'm embarrassed or feeling some other sort of raw emotion and it's how I keep a lid on my feelings. We don't like people to see what's going on inside and talking about it risks exposure if we don't think we can keep our feelings in check. Feeling vulnerable and exposed is the worst feeling in the world.
It’s quite possible that he’s ESFP. I think he might have a close T/F split. He can seem quite T sometimes and quite F other times. Aspects of both ESFP and ESTP fit.
What you wrote above is enlightening and seems reasonable. He could also very well be an immature ESTP. He is not at all self-aware…I mean, changing your mind and thinking aloud are one thing but he always contradicted himself so much. As far as not being self-aware, I mean things like he would say “wow, it’s ridiculous how much people in this city drink, and the social scene is really shallow” and then he’d be out getting drunk and clubbing most weekends. I got the impression that he felt that if he made comments like that, he could still participate in those scenes, and yet still raise himself above it somehow and maintain a sort of sense of superiority and detachment. He was kidding himself for sure. But I digress.
This situation certainly shouldn’t have been something unforgivable. It wasn’t life-/career-/reputation-/relationship destroying. It was mainly awkward and embarrassing. It’s a bit too difficult/complicated to explain and I don’t want to get into the details, but basically he was in possession of some knowledge about an incident, which others were entitled to know about…he gossiped about it to me, I gossiped about it to a mutual friend, who then passed it on to the people who needed to know (this kind of thing happens if you have too many mutual friends!!). So…his reaction was rather hypocritical, for starters, because I basically made almost exactly the same mistake he made (gossiping about it.) However, he was the one who had to deal with the fallout, not me, at least to a certain extent. So he made me feel really, really bad about passing on the story though he had passed it to me in the first place.
It just really hurt because I had made such an effort to acknowledge my own mistake and to be non-accusatory. I was really really careful about that, especially because I didn’t feel I had the right to take the high moral ground. And his reaction made it seem as though my apology, my feelings about the matter, and even the fact that maybe the outcome of the situation was for the best, were worthless. He didn’t even acknowledge those. It also really hurt because as you guys mentioned above, I wasn’t even obliged to own up and tell him how things stood. I could have kept my mouth shut (or not emailed!) and let him deal with the situation on his return, or if he questioned me about it, I could have lied and said the information hadn’t come from me. I wanted to be honest and show trust and respect and he totally disrespected that. His reaction was unbelievably self-centered.
I don’t know if I’ll contact him or not. It is complicated for me. I had feelings for this guy for a long time and they are still floating around – this made me feel more vulnerable to his unpleasant reaction. It might be better for him to just be out of my life, especially considering he is now away for several months and when he comes back he’s probably only going to be in this city for a short time before he goes back to his home country or on to another adventure (a big theme in his life.) It is actually possible that he has really forgiven me and just moved on (but neither of us have tried to make contact for two months. Maybe we’re both waiting or maybe he doesn’t really care.) I mean, he did say “I apologise” and “let’s forget about it” though it sounded very begrudging (and I felt that his emphasis on how he was still annoyed tended to cancel that out.) He texted me just before he left and said “take care and see you when I’m back,” but I’m not sure we will see each other – either because he won’t be in town for all that long, or he may not want to see me that much, or I may not want to see him. This is a few months off so we’ll see. The question is in large part whether I can put aside my hurt feelings, or to what extent. Even if he has forgiven me I may not have entirely forgiven him.
Thanks for the good wishes, all. I feel a bit better this week. This thread was mainly just a vent to start with but it has turned out quite interesting
On the topic of people being ridiculously insensitive, here’s another example to add. The friend I mentioned whose ex died in a motorcycle crash… He was an Arab and she is rather obsessed with guys from that part of the world (both culturally and physically. I don’t get it, but to each their own.) She told me that she’d mentioned to some workmate that she’d been in touch with the ex’s cousin – and the workmate was like “oh, what’s his cousin like? Is he cute? Maybe you could get together with him!” !!!!!!! I guess this is someone who thinks of instant replacement in cases like this. But really, this isn’t even like having a rebound fling when you’ve split up! The guy DIED. And they didn’t split up because they weren’t still in love, though there were some other significant and very valid reasons for splitting. Why would someone think that would make the bereaved person feel better?
Sorry this is really long, congrats to anyone who reads it!