I've been in a weird hot and cold situation with an INTJ for almost a year now. I'm an ENFP. We met through work. In the beginning he was very intense, there was never a doubt in my mind that he liked me, but his intensity was overwhelming and unfortunately I pushed him away a ton. Once he started to distance himself, months down the road, is around the time that I realized I really liked him, so now I was "hot" and he was lukewarm. Because of his lukewarm demeanor, I assumed he no longer liked me, and eventually cut contact with him temporarily(about 2.5 months). I didn't do it without letting him know why I was--and he did at first try to stop it, i.e. doing surprise pop-up visits to my department to see me, texting me cryptic messages about how much he accepted me, etc. But eventually he got the clue and we ceased contact. I reached back out to him, months down the road, when I felt "over" him, in the attempt to be his friend. But when we resumed talking, he acted as if there had never been that time away from each other, and as if we had still liked each other. It was bizarre. He was "hot" again too, he told me that he liked me(where earlier in the year he was unable to verbalize it), and even asked me to exclusively date him(as in be his gf) where as earlier that year when I had brought that up, he seemed to need "time" to think about it, so I had dropped it. In other words, it was like he liked more, now that time had passed. In any case, I was skeptical and did not know he was an INTJ, so I didn't take it seriously. I pushed him away, and tried to keep things friendly. And eventually--after he was very persistant(asking me to hang out constantly, texting me a lot, letting me know how much he wanted me etc) just like before, he gave up because I kept declining him. And since then, there has been that lukewarm demeanor again, and ironically it happened around the time where I realized that I felt deeply for him again.
What makes things more complicated, is that despite his lukewarm demeanor, and me feeling as if he no longer cares about me, there have been some new changes to our relationship. First, the entire time we have known each other, I always felt like he was asexual--as in he never seemed sexually into me, but when we resumed talking back in April, he started to make comments about my body(sexual ones) and I had started to have sexual discussions with him. I let him know that it had bothered me, that he never kissed me, etc. He told me that it was more complicated than that, but didn't elaborate. He is not a ONS, or FWB guy, but has had them before in his college days. In any case I asked him if we consider being my sex buddy, because I have not had sex in two years and I liked him(I've only been with one other guy). He agreed. But despite agreeing to it, it took a while, for it to actually happen--I had to keep getting on him about it. And then one night we finally hooked up--it was around that very night, that we also kissed for the first time, cuddled, etc, he even talked about feelings, and tried to get me to confess how much I felt for him(I did not). That was back in August. Unfortunately after that time, despite how much I felt, because I still did not know how he felt, I approached the relationship(or whatever it was) as if it were only about sex, and approached him in that way, and he did not appreciate it and let me know. He stopped talking to me, and gave me the silent treatment, until I apologized and then told him that my feelings were deeper than what I had let on(I did this by text). He responded by inviting me to a concert that week, as his date, and seemed very excited about having me go. However at the last minute, things happened, and I had to cancel. Unfortunately in the past I've been known to be flakey with him, canceling a lot, or declining invitations, and the nature of our relationship has always been distant(for instance I don't contact him on the weekends, or see him on the weekends, and he knows this and has made jokes about it, but I could tell it bothers him) so me flaking out this time, seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back.
Since then, he has been very very distant. Where, since this summer(when he stopped being hot after I pushed him away) he has not been as responsive to my texting and to my attempts to hang out, he has still at certain points made an effort to text me, to see me, etc, even if it meant me having to constantly bug him about it. And when we see each other, despite how desperate I felt, he was always kind, and seemed very happy to see me, and spend time with me, despite a few minor things... In any case, since the concert that I flaked on, he has become extremely distant, to the point where he doesn't even respond to my texts, or my declarations of feelings(I don't think he believes it to be genuine anymore) or any attempts to hang out. It got to the point, where two weeks ago, I finally confronted him and asked him if he would like me to stop contacting him, I said I noticed that he did not respond to any texts I had sent him over the last couple of weeks, or my attempts to hang out, or my revelation of how I felt for him, and that I appreciate directness and that if he would like to no longer talk than to let me know. He did not respond at first, but finally the next morning he sent me a message that said "No I don't want you to leave me alone". I said "ok... But if you do ever want space, then let me know, I respect boundaries". He did not respond. A few days later, he invited me over. When I came over, things seemed fine--he asked me what I had been doing the last few weekends(with a smile on his face, because again we don't communicate or see each other over the weekends) and when I tried to answer, he listened at first but then didn't. It felt almost like a test. There were other things that happened that felt that way too. In any case, while watching a movie, he became very physically affectionate, laying on me, and cuddling and then we eventually did stuff. Afterwards, he seemed sleepy(he was falling asleep) so I asked him if he would like to go to sleep, so that I could leave. And he shook his head no. But he looked so sleepy. I kept asking him and he kept shaking his head. At one point, he mumbled under his breath, "If you want, you can spend the night." but I thought he was just trying to be polite. In any case, I eventually told him I was going to let him go to sleep and that I was going home. He seemed surprised and said "Oh your going home?"
And I said, "Yes." And he walked me out to the door, and told me to call him the next day. After that situation, I texted him and we talked casually the next day and, then the day after that day, we talked again and things were good--we talked about a show we both liked. But then I didn't contact him for about 4 days, and when I did reach out finally it was very obvious he was ignoring me. This time, as opposed to confronting him about it and asking for an explanation, I said "f*** it" and decided that it was time to come clean and be honest. I know that at this point, I have kept him at a distance, played a lot of games, made things seem like they were just about sex, and been sporadic with my communication and in the times we've hung out, I've downplayed my feelings for him everytime he's confronted me in person, and in texts I'll send him cutesy love messages, but I don't believe he takes them seriously since I don't do things "action-wise" to support the texts. He even told me one time, that all I do is talk.
This time, I decided to be honest. I wrote him a 4 page email, that addressed everything... I was completely honest, authentic, about everything, about why I did what I did, my feelings for him, what I wanted from him(since I had never been clear with that, no matter how many times he gave me space to tell him what I wanted) and a host of other things. In the end of the letter I let him know that I could not continue with things as they are. And that I wanted him to be my boyfriend(that's what I wanted), but that if it wasn't what he wanted, I understood, but that I would move on. I told him that because I know it's a lot to take in, that I wanted him to take his time, and let me know only once he's had time to think about it and come to a decision. I said a few weeks is fine, if that's what he needs, but to please not leave me hanging for over a month, without any insight on to his thoughts. I sent it to the email on his linkedin account. And texted him to let him know that I sent the email to him. He did not respond to my text, but I know he saw it. That was last week when I sent him the email. Since then, he has not responded. I told myself that I did tell him, to take his time before responding... But I logged in to facebook today, and saw that he had updated his picture a few days ago, and was liking other peoples statuses, and that he is going to some get together this weekend, and it made me feel bad... Like he doesn't care at all about what I wrote(which was actually straight from the heart this time and extremely honest about everything). I feel stupid and embarrassed for revealing my feelings for him finally and being so honest, only to have him ignore me, and go about his life. I don't know if he's read the email, what he thinks, etc.
I'm wondering now if he's just going to ignore me forever... What should I do? Just continue to give him space, or can I assume that he's done with me? The only reason I have not done the latter, is that two weeks ago, he had told me that he didn't want me to leave him alone, so obviously there's a part of him that has not shut me out, but why ignore my email then? He had revealed to me, before the first time we had sex, that I didn't fight for him(in regards to when he was acting lukewarm earlier in the year and I decided to stop talking to him). Is that what he wants? The email for me is fighting for him--I'm just not sure anymore.