What do you think about relationships between INTJs and ISFJs or ESFJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.
When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
Both INTJ and ISFJ are fiercely loyal and longsuffering. Both intend to be in things for the long haul: nothing flighty.
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
It depends on the shared values -- the intellectual processing is the exact opposite ; this may lead to misunderstandings, but it also means that if the two partners
learn to tag team efficiently, then there is very little within the realm of human endeavor that one or the other can't handle...
- Why are they attracted to each other?
Opposites attract; INTJ is attracted to the social stability and "get along with people effortlessly and unostentatiously" ability of the ISFJ; the ISFJ is fascinated, not having heard that there even *was* something called "outside the box" except in rumour and mythology.
- How to they compliment each other?
See the first comment on compatibility.
- How well do they understand each other and why?
It requires retraining the instinctive processing, when dealing with the other, to think in terms of Calvin and Hobbes' "Opposite Day": an INTJ will tell you the core truth in order to make a resolution; the ISFJ will say virtually anything in order to avoid having to force a resolution. The goal is to get along, but the methodology is the exact opposite.
- What are they like together raising children?
Kids like to play divide and conquer. With the INTJ/ISFJ, the kids can grind out an easy first down on the ground, almost every time, simply by asking one parent out of earshot of the other...
When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
ISFJs are, believe it or not, sensors; the INTJ may mistake the introversion of the ISFJ as meaning there is a hidden gooey center, but there is not: the ISFJ is like caramel dripping all over the outside of the apple. Don't bite down too hard!
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
t's like talking to someone who assigns the exact opposite of your intent to everything you say. You need to develop an ingoing and outgoing translator.
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
Realizing that the INTJ is not a defective human, just because they are an iconoclastic individualist; realizing that the ISFJ is not a defective introvert, just because they like doing "wheels on the bus" (home maintenance, cleaning, etc.) to recharge, instead of disappearing into the computer or a novel.
- How can they take each other for granted?
They can take each other for granted in that each one is *very* reliable in their own way, and each is *VERY* good (under certain circumstances) about 'taking one for the team' and not speaking up about their needs: each can do this for an extraordinarily long time without appreciation, but around year 2,000,000, begin to develop grievances.
Unfortunately, both ISFJs and INTJs tend to do the initial notice of "hey I'm burning out here, appreciate me some here" by passive aggressive behaviour, which is often misattributed.
- What happens with things “go wrong†between these two types?
Mutual Pecksniffian disdain, each getting on a different high horse which the other one considers as laughable rather than intimidating.
The INTJ must learn to read between the lines (at least) as well as to communicate indirectly; the ISFJ must stop looking for hidden messages in plaintext ASCII communications delivered in the present indicative tense.
Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
Screw like bunnies. Learn to translate.
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
Take specific instances and break them down into bite size chunks; encourage regular feedback and double-checking of messages sent and interpreted.
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
Vive la difference! The other person's way *is* efficacious: but usually as these two move in different circles, they can't imagine anyone else like their SO, and can't for the life of them imagine anyone *they* know acting like their SO does, and getting away with it. Realize that the phrase "different strokes, for different folks" is *made* for this couple.
- If you are an INTJ, what advice do you have for the ESFJ or ISFJs?
When the INTJ is recharging, don't interrupt. If you do interrupt, allow time for the INTJ to return to planet earth before speaking.
If you don't do this, expect to have between 1/2 and 2/3 of your message irretrievably lost to the internet cloud.
- If you are an ESFJ or ISFJ, what advice would you have for the INTJs?
Learn when to be quiet about what interests you, learn how to shmooze. Being socially adaptable isn't a sin.