i've had these exact same situations before. i'm working SO HARD right now trying to figure out how to break this cycle. i've had it happen three times in the last month.
basically, if i vent, if i communicate, if i'm fully myself, i kind of unconsciously talk. i'm an sx/sp. it just gushes forth. i trust, to some degree, or i believe it's worth it, or i'm interested in sharing myself. it's still sometimes more me-centered than the other person centered, but if i think i can share me, it's usually because i trust, respect, and am genuinely interested in the other person. but after this unconscious gushing, i recognize that my monitor completely turned off. i have no idea what this person thinks, and worse yet, i'm COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the social record. i don't know if i violated any norms, any expectations, what kind of signals have been sent, etc. i get so self-conscious, i feel guilty, i blame myself, i'm embarrassed bc i can't take anything back, all the alarm bells are going off, and i get super SKITTISH. i'm not present at all, i'm overwhelmed by projections rather than drinking in experience and being in the moment. i don't know how to respond because i'm not in a responsive kind of flow, i've lost it, and ESPECIALLY in social situations when i feel like i've just lost control of my image, i have no idea what i've been projecting to others, and i don't know what the context of the current moment is bc i haven't been building a story of where you are, where i am, etc. i've just let down my guard and started blurting shit out.if i gravitate to someone, it means i'm interested in them. i want to talk. i want to explore. i want to share, most of all, sharing is the most important thing to me. the chance to be the real me is the best possibility of all possibilities. but especially when that intersects with social expectations, i lose my sense of confidence and feel like i'm just missing the story, just full of gaps, and trying to be prepared doesn't help, but the more anxious the more i get out of the moment, the more difficult it is to just flow, and the more overwhelming it feels trying to accept your emotions, stabilize the anxiety, and ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAKE MISTAKES. i hate the idea of making a mistake so much. just one. how could i forgive myself. i'm working on it.
anyway, this rant is one potential way of populating the interior of your infj male in question. what's his enneagram? from my perspective, i think i would have some interest in a female infj. so much to learn from each other. but i feel so terrible at exploring situations, and instead do too much immediate predictive --> protective cutting off or avoidance.
also, i lose confidence in my READING OF THE STORY between us all the time. i'm terrible at creating and keeping those threads going, and checking in with the interiors. as a result, gestures and exteriors can get overblown, and become so inflected with my own mood state. being firm in your place in the story, sharing just a bit of your story that is important or clears away anxiety, well, it tends to advance things quite successfully in my experience. the hesitation loop is so frustrating for infjs, and i want to figure out how to break it, but sometimes in our moments of unhealth it seems like we just feel dependent on that initiation coming from outside of us![/QUOTE]
I don't know if it's unhealthy (to the second bolded part). I think sometimes both people are afraid of showing how they feel to the other person, which is perfectly natural, even if you like and trust the other person. If the other person initiates, I'm so grateful that I won't hesitate to recirprocate. It's always more difficult to know what to do when feelings for someone else are strong. To the first bolded part: you're not alone.