I have not had a lot of death in my life, and when it does come up, I've been alarmingly detached. The first one was a great great grandmother, when I was 10, and as I vaguely remembered her from years before, and she was not a significant presence in my life, it was basically nothing to me. Just another family get together. That was on my father's side. Now forward 13 year later, and I'm just coming home from the Air Force, (which I had ran off to to escape problems at home, and it didn't work out). My mother's mother dies rather suddenly, at 81. Of all the people in the family, she was the one who was most tolerant and understanding of me, and telling my parents to let me alone and I would grow up OK. I even was upset that the building she lived in when I was really young sat abandoned for almost two decades (they did finally renovate it a few years later, but totally changed the interior).
Yet, I was still totally detached and emotionless. I now felt bad that I could not muster any emotion, and was terrified others would think I didn't care.
But I could not help it. To me, it's like "what's the use"? She was 81, her husband had died at 84, and the great grandmother had died at 77, so I figured that was our basic life expectancy. What's the sense of being emotional?
It seems emotion and crying came to be associated more with one's own wants and trying to get others to pity you and move them to rectify wrongs you are suffering. But when I was young, the solid TJ environment I was in eventually made it clear crying would not get you anything anymore (except, sometimes, a spanking even). So sometime in my youth, I just stopped crying, and it was replaced with anger instead. That seemed more "strong" while crying was just showing weakness, and even if someone did come to your aid, like against bullies, it was still embarrasing, and they would be even more after you for being so "soft".
And besides, all of my emotions were then focused on all the problems (wrongs) in the rest of my life. (Like coming back to those bad conditions at home).
In the case of death from natural old age, again; like what's the use? It's not a "wrong"; it's just nature, and nothing can be done about it. If crying doesn't bring them back, again; what's the use?
I even thought of it from her perspective, and how hard it must be to be that old and constantly in pain and ill health and needing assistance. We want them to stay around for our sake, but still, they cannot even interact with us they way they used to.
I felt bad that I seemed to have more emotions for the fear of her old building being destroyed than for her herself, but I was by that time an evangelical Christian, and she was a saved believer, so I believed she would go to Heaven, or that God would return and fix up this earth and resurrect all the saved dead. Because of the fact that a building is a purely earthly object, and not an eternal soul, and that it does bring back memories of her while I'm still in this world, (and it can last much longer than a human lifespan, and its being allowed to decay was basically a "wrong" commited by the owners) is why it appears to come out like me caring more about the building than her. Seems backwards, but it is my way being being emotionally attached to the person. But nobody would have understood that.
(I particularly remember the Thanksgivings, and I used to spend weekends there as well. It was like a place of warmth in the midst of a totally blighted area. For reference, this is very close to where Jenocyde lives from where she pointed, and the area is coming back now, but she can probably imagine what it was like 35 years ago in the height of urban decay. The scars are still all around).
Another part of the "Grandmother's" experience was the bus ride across town. I also became nostalgic about the 60's/70's era buses. A bunch of them were kept as "museum fleet", and displayed downtown Brroklyn one Sunday every fall (but I can't go anymore because I work on Sundays; the last one just a couple of weeks ago), and once, seeing how they had to struggle starting them up, it reminded me of my grandmother, and I thought how it would be nice if were were like those machines, and in death would rest most of the time, but could be "started up" for special occasions like that.
It's obvious that I relate more to things than people, and basically project my love to them with associated things or places. And to think, I was led to believe I might be an F, and had to struggle with that dichotomy. The way that was rationalized however, was to distinguish between Fe and Fi and make Fi out to be outwardly cold and detached, as it is an internal function. But still, from what I see, FP's, as just as much Feeling types still have an easier time feeling and showing some sign of emotion, even though FJ's might be more openly expressive. The function attitude is not really about display anyway, as some assume.
My father at one point after the funeral did express his concern. He did acknowledge the possibility that perhaps, I just "accept" death. I tried to assure him that it was because she lived a good life and all, and that when his mother died, I would be more sad, as she had a very rough life, and remains miserable. She, amazingly, is still kicking in there, at 92, considering all of her lifelong stress, misery, alcohol abuse, etc. while the other grandmother was a quiet church lady. Yet she was very difficult to be around, and one of the hardest on me. (Most likely, ESTJ).
Now, that I'm seeing my lack of emotions as tied to type, as well as possible AS, I realize I might not be much more emotional when she dies after all. I do dread getting the call; but once again; what's the use. It's so fortunate and miraculous that she lived this long. What else do we expect? As concrete S's, my parents have not been interested in type/temperament, though my mother recently did express some curiosity about the type code. So at our holiday gatherings, hopefully I'll get to explain this to them, and warn them about future funerals.
That is, assuming my grandmother is next. My wife worries about my father, who has smoked himself into a bad case of emphyzema. It would be messed up if he ends up going before his mother. NOW, death would be striking closer than it ever has. (Even though he is almost the age his grandmother was at when she died). So far, the only other really close people who have died were some people like a godmother and a superintendant who were very close and loved when I was younger. By the time I was grown, they were gone from my life, and eventually back down south. When I heard about their deaths sometime afterward; again, it was a very detached "oh, well, what's the use".
So I have no idea how I will react when my parents die. Or any family member (brother, wife, etc) or close friend from a tragedy (accident, murder, etc). Something like murder, since that is a kind of "wrong", will definitely evoke emotion, but since no one has ever caused anything that bad to me, I don't know how I would take it. Accidents; I'll probably try to find someone to blame, and then that will become a "wrong" too.
I was from childhood always afraid of the notion of someone close dying. I have no idea what it is like, to just be without a parent, sibling or spouse for the rest of this life. That kind of death has just stayed away. Funny, as in another recent long post, I shared how my teenage/single life was basically a total washout. But it seems like this is almost recompensed by death staying so far from me for so long, while you see it on the news every night, for total strangers far removed from you. Yet it is coming though, eventually.
(Not sure what's with this spate of self-revelation. Like just the right topics at the right time).