You have identified two dilemmas:
1.
2.
Number one (
YOUR thoughts and feelings)
requires clarity before number two (
EXTERNAL person’s thoughts and needs)
can be addressed.
Were you co-workers or romantic partner’s first? Was there ever discussion on how working together would impact the personal side of things? WE WERE CO WORKERS FIRST AND NEVER HAVE DISCUSSED WHAT THE IMPACT WOULD BE
Do you know this or are you interpreting his actions as 'saying' this?
I'm INTERPRETING
How is it possible to know what is in another’s mind without asking?
I sometimes make jokes to avoid answering if I need to think first. Or to avoid discomfort. Or because I have a dumb sense of humour. Or because I think it will make the other person laugh. Do you KNOW why he cracked wise? That it was dismissive?
I ASKED HIM ABOUT MAKING A JOKE AND AGAIN HE AVOIDED IT
You are receiving (good) advice to honor his way of doing things and communicating.
I'm TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HIM AND BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE IN HIS LANGUAGE.
First: what do you want and need? Are you gut-satisfied with the level of communication and affirmation you are currently receiving?
NO, I DON'T GET ANY AFFIRMATION AND I ASSUME IT BECAUSE OF HIS PERSONALITY TRAITS. IT WOULD BE NICE BUT HE SEES NO REASON TO GIVE ANY UNLESS YOU ARE LACKING CONFIDENCE HE SAYS. I ALSO AM STRUGGLING IN COMMUNICATING ANYTHING ON A PERSONAL LEVEL. WE TALK NONE STOP BUT NOT ABOUT FEELINGS!
This sounds positive…like your economic needs and external social needs are being met.
Still, you are
Give thought to what - in impartial terms - you want a relationship to look like.
Even write down the things you ideally would desire or seek out. Then decide what aspects are deal-breakers and what you could compromise on.
Only then, compare your relationship to what you have written down.
I WILL DO THAT, THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA
-You sound invested and he sounds like someone who has good qualities and is deserving of support. So, what part do you play in ‘being taken advantage of’? Does he expect you to do the things you do or did you offer them from a place of love and now they have become a ‘new normal’? How are you training him to treat/view you?
I GUESS I'VE TRAIN HIM WRONG LOL. THIS IS HOW I SHOW LOVE SO I GUESS I CAN'T SAY HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME AND IF I DON'T TELL HIM WHAT I NEED HOW CAN I EXPECT HIM TO DO IT.
I would take seriously the advice to honor his thinking and style. At the same time, don’t discount the suggestion for open communication.
-You don’t have to be accusing when you tell him how you are feeling. There is a difference between sharing feelings OR issuing ultimatums/making someone jump to your time-line expectations.
AGREE
He can’t fill your needs capably unless 1) You help him to be aware of them and 2) you are clear on them yourself. What you will and won’t accept.
Bottling your feelings up and simmering in resentment or hurt won’t bode well for long-term success.