More about the small talk: How would you feel if you mentioned something briefly in passing to someone, it was important to you (for example, Amar, I know about the connection you feel with animals you've mentioned it on the forums several times), but it wasn't delved into in depth, but this person remembered that you said it, recognized that it was something important to you, and revisited it later when maybe the situation was more conducive to a more.
I cannot emphasize the importance of this for me. It's my main people information gathering function and I don't understand myself how there are other ways to get this information.
It gets connected to everything. And I also can't emphasize how much noticing the details of another person I do. It is very much like aphrodite said: it's body language, tone of voice, small little gestures, so much little stuff that people notice but maybe I take it a step further and actively process this into a conversation or something? It doesn't require effort for me to pay attention enough to other people do to this. I really like what Udog said in another thread about it's like dim fireworks for him. To me I still think, it's a matter of paying attention not that this stuff is going over most people, it's just that it's more sensory input to be ignored or selectively paid attention to. For me though, it can't be ignored.
For deeper connections, I think it gets more nebulous. Like most people, it's allowing yourself to be vulnerable. For me that takes the form of revealing more about myself, how I think, how I feel, why I feel and think the way I do, what things and people mean to me, why the mean what they do (or don't), my fears, things I worry about.
It's a different flavor of emotional expression. I'm not particularly reserved, even casually, about showing or expressing a range of emotion. I don't care if someone I just met sees me frustrated or hurt about something external ("Why the hell is there only one line open!"), but seeing me frustrated and hurt about something internal is different ("Do they trust me enough do this?"). It's more about seeing things that are salient to who I am, delving into my self-concept and that of the other person that signifies deepening intimacy. Basically self-revealing information becomes more high stakes: more to lose, more to gain.
As far as how I relate to the other person, Pink is always saying about how she doesn't let go of people. I swear, I feel strongly enough about my loved ones that I have become absolutely relentless on their behalf. I have felt unyielding, single-minded focus on the behalf of the people I love and have pulled undiscovered stamina to fight and destroy for them. This is basically a minefield and the number one source of conflict and loyalty with the people I care about the most because often it's translates into not allowing them to do on their own behalf. There's a John Legend song called "Ordinary People" that pretty much encapsulates this idea:
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way
If this doesn't happen on some level, I don't feel like we've really bonded. It's almost like I need to get into a fight with you in order to show that we're going somewhere. We need to storm and I'm not really afraid of it. I'm not saying be in a continuous state of warfare, but this is a mountain that needs to be climbed. What I seek is to get to that other side where this is a greater transparency and intimacy with the other person because you know you've gotten through those unsavory meaty bits. Because not all meaty bits are about dreams and aspirations, some are about deep hurt and scars that manifest themselves in ways that are difficult to deal with and overcome. To me it's about creating a space where all of this can occur.
The problem is if someone doesn't respond with the same tenacity of feeling that I do, it really does translate in my mind that they don't care as much as I do. I realize is not true but it's still there and I can become resentful. Which is why, honestly, not many people get to this point with me because it's a lot of damn work. It's more of a whole body effort and more draining and I don't have the energy to dole this out to everyone I know. It's also why I prefer to attach this type of feeling to
people rather than
a person.
As usual, I end this with I only speak for me.
I realize that for some FJs this is not at all descriptive of them.
i admire your ability to weild Fe as such a honed skill! i think Fe being a primary versus secondary versus tertiary function makes a lot of difference. i could prolly take some good lessons from you in using small talk to segway into deeper conversation. i just don't have the patience for that. but that is not really my expertise anyway. some fjs (efjs, nfjs, sfjs) have had more time to practice this perhaps if they work or are involved in more community gatherings.
Thank you. It is not with false humility to say that it just came to me. I think I have the natural inclination to be interested in these things, but it has been an effort to cultivate. I read a lot of stuff about interpersonal communication and how to get along with people and incorporate that into what I do. And just like I know use this ability to connect to people I also very much know how and use this ability to make people feel like scum and worthless. Not particularly proud of it, but I can do that too.