enfpe
New member
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2018
- Messages
- 6
- MBTI Type
- ENFJ
- Enneagram
- 2w1
- Instinctual Variant
- sp
Hi there!
This is my first thread (though I think I accidentally started it in the wrong section before, so here it is here), so I might be a new face, but I hope you all don't mind me sharing something I have recently figured out how to articulate. I hope this helps people's understanding of how ENFP tend to handle feelings. Both their own, and other people's. And why sometimes they may appear to be shutting you out (I promise, they're not actually meaning to convey this).
I've observed a lot of different assertions about ENFP being open books, but sometimes closed, but sometimes open. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for what is and isn't off limits. This can be very frustrating for both the person trying to help and the ENFP themselves. And I know it can seem scattered, but that tends to just be the translation. Our internal reality is quite structured, in one sense.
Imagine this. You're in your room at home. There's probably a lot going on in there, and you're sorting through it all every day as you do, mostly without issue. But then your friend shows up. And you're okay with them watching and maybe helping you move some things around, but then there are things you really don't want touched or want help with. It's that pervasive "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch" feeling that tends to comprise ENFP's general anxiety about feelings and eventually leads to overwhelm. When overwhelm happens, or something is touched or uncovered that shouldn't have been, the other person is simply put back outside for a while. This allows the ENFP to deal with whatever it is and emerge completely okay after.
Now imagine you are the ENFP, and you have this awareness. You've been invited to your friend's house, into their room, and you're watching and helping them sort. There's still that horrible feeling of "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch", but it's a thousand times worse because it's *you* who might be violating *their* privacy. If you ever wonder why an ENFP doesn't ask as many questions as a typical Fe user might, I'd bet you a good amount of money that they're not at all trying to be dismissive, and it's usually very much not that they don't notice. It's that they want to give you the same berth they would want when dealing with feelings. If they feel they're being intrusive, whether or not this is actually the case, they might want to step outside for a while. In fact, most ENFP, though excited to meet you, are most comfortable meeting you somewhere out and about. You can both have a good time and feel close and do something together without necessarily coming into their home, much less their room. I think this is where a lot of people feel like the ENFP is being open with them, but getting to know an ENFP is a very gradual process, and you shouldn't expect to be invited over regularly within a short period of time, though at times they might call you to come over for fifteen minutes with some chocolate and a shoulder to cry on so they can talk it out. This, however, cannot be confused with them giving you the keys to their apartment, or allowing you full access at all times.
My advice to anyone looking to *really* get to know an ENFP is simply to be patient. It won't be your active persistence that gets them to invite you in, but rather your passive persistence in just waiting outside the door with some cookies. Trust me, ENFP love cookies. It's a scientific fact. And similarly, trust that you will be given the same patience, and the same space to deal with how you're feeling when you need that space. However, if you are expecting the ENFP to keep knocking, please tell them. They're more than happy to keep knocking, and apply active persistence, but they need to know that you are eventually going to open the door. They're very polite in that way. So come on over, bring some cookies, or invite us over and we'll bring some cookies. But only come by if you're planning on sticking around. Otherwise, we'd be happy to meet you at the coffee shop
This is my first thread (though I think I accidentally started it in the wrong section before, so here it is here), so I might be a new face, but I hope you all don't mind me sharing something I have recently figured out how to articulate. I hope this helps people's understanding of how ENFP tend to handle feelings. Both their own, and other people's. And why sometimes they may appear to be shutting you out (I promise, they're not actually meaning to convey this).
I've observed a lot of different assertions about ENFP being open books, but sometimes closed, but sometimes open. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for what is and isn't off limits. This can be very frustrating for both the person trying to help and the ENFP themselves. And I know it can seem scattered, but that tends to just be the translation. Our internal reality is quite structured, in one sense.
Imagine this. You're in your room at home. There's probably a lot going on in there, and you're sorting through it all every day as you do, mostly without issue. But then your friend shows up. And you're okay with them watching and maybe helping you move some things around, but then there are things you really don't want touched or want help with. It's that pervasive "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch" feeling that tends to comprise ENFP's general anxiety about feelings and eventually leads to overwhelm. When overwhelm happens, or something is touched or uncovered that shouldn't have been, the other person is simply put back outside for a while. This allows the ENFP to deal with whatever it is and emerge completely okay after.
Now imagine you are the ENFP, and you have this awareness. You've been invited to your friend's house, into their room, and you're watching and helping them sort. There's still that horrible feeling of "what happens when they touch something I don't want them to touch", but it's a thousand times worse because it's *you* who might be violating *their* privacy. If you ever wonder why an ENFP doesn't ask as many questions as a typical Fe user might, I'd bet you a good amount of money that they're not at all trying to be dismissive, and it's usually very much not that they don't notice. It's that they want to give you the same berth they would want when dealing with feelings. If they feel they're being intrusive, whether or not this is actually the case, they might want to step outside for a while. In fact, most ENFP, though excited to meet you, are most comfortable meeting you somewhere out and about. You can both have a good time and feel close and do something together without necessarily coming into their home, much less their room. I think this is where a lot of people feel like the ENFP is being open with them, but getting to know an ENFP is a very gradual process, and you shouldn't expect to be invited over regularly within a short period of time, though at times they might call you to come over for fifteen minutes with some chocolate and a shoulder to cry on so they can talk it out. This, however, cannot be confused with them giving you the keys to their apartment, or allowing you full access at all times.
My advice to anyone looking to *really* get to know an ENFP is simply to be patient. It won't be your active persistence that gets them to invite you in, but rather your passive persistence in just waiting outside the door with some cookies. Trust me, ENFP love cookies. It's a scientific fact. And similarly, trust that you will be given the same patience, and the same space to deal with how you're feeling when you need that space. However, if you are expecting the ENFP to keep knocking, please tell them. They're more than happy to keep knocking, and apply active persistence, but they need to know that you are eventually going to open the door. They're very polite in that way. So come on over, bring some cookies, or invite us over and we'll bring some cookies. But only come by if you're planning on sticking around. Otherwise, we'd be happy to meet you at the coffee shop
Last edited: