SilkRoad
Lay the coin on my tongue
- Joined
- May 26, 2009
- Messages
- 3,932
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 6w5
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
I've been mentoring/befriending an 18 year old girl since last year. I concluded after a few months that she was seriously depressed and given that her parents are pretty much useless, I more or less single handedly encouraged her to go to a doctor and get into therapy. The therapy is just getting under way so that's a step.
Our "friendship" has been one of constant conflict in the last eight months or so. I have started to wonder if instead of, or as well, depression, she is a borderline. Reasons for wondering:
-Incredibly clingy, fears abandonment and rejection. Doesn't see anything weird about going into someone's building uninvited when they're not there, waiting for them near their workplace, etc
-Will either want to talk with me and be with me all the time, or is accusing me of not caring, pushing her away (when I try to establish some healthy boundaries - I've been pretty direct with her cause it's the only thing that works at all), etc. She had a similar relationship with another woman my age before, who moved away eventually. Before, she would talk about how terribly she missed this person and how that person understood her so well. Now she doesn't want to talk about her and says things like "she didn't really understand me, she didn't get how different and special I am, we always got into fights, I don't want to think about it." Hmm.
-Seems constantly angry, but will say things like "I got angry about something, which is weird, because I really don't get angry much." !! Incredibly irritable and sensitive. Reads every single comment etc etc that I post on Facebook and if it's anything about human relationships, etc she will quite obviously take it as being about herself and often posts passive aggressive status updates in response and that sort of thing (though thankfully, if she is mad at me she won't post on my page at all). Is often openly jealous that I get more comments on my FB than she does. Tries to muscle in on conversations (online and otherwise) with friends.
-I think she has a distorted view of our friendship. She expects it to be on the same level as mature friends who I have known for years. She always goes on about how she wants to be treated as an adult. But her emotional age seems to be no more than ten.
-Talks a lot about not knowing who she is, doing things without knowing why, and so on.
-Has occasionally talked about suicide (I spoke with her parents after that started to happen, but like I said, they're pretty useless. The mother is probably severely depressed, btw). I don't think she's self harming though, unless she is hiding it well.
The last couple of weeks were typical. I got a bit harsh and set some very firm boundaries, which she was really mad and upset about. She left me alone for several days and then started making overtures again. We thrashed it out in the usual torturous two hour convo. Things seemed ok for a couple of days - well, she went back to very clingy as usual. Phone convo on Sunday, thankfully fairly short. Email exchange on Monday. All fairly peaceful. Tues, I texted her and didn't hear back. Some passive aggressive sort of status updates from her. Weds, I said I wouldn't see her this week as I was feeling pretty lousy physically and emotionally. No sympathy - just "how is that?" and then a lecture about isolating myself - for real!! I remained diplomatic and said I'd be seeing a friend that night. She goes "Of course. Your friend. Because I'm nothing." It's often like she can't stand the idea that I have other friends. I didn't respond. We haven't been in contact since Weds but she has done the usual passive aggressive FB thing. The scary thing is that NOTHING precipitated the hostility on Weds. I mean, nothing. But you know, it was probably one tiny thing I said on FB or something.
I feel bad about "abandoning" her but I really think I need to start doing a slow fade. At least she is getting some help now. I have put in a great deal and the recurrent hostility, negativity, clinginess, anger etc are really getting to me. It is tricky unfortunately because we attend the same place of worship so I can't cut her out completely. And she does need support and isn't getting alot, though the church elders are now more aware and so forth, as well as the therapy. But I feel it is having a negative impact on me.
Do you think she's borderline? Any other comments?
Our "friendship" has been one of constant conflict in the last eight months or so. I have started to wonder if instead of, or as well, depression, she is a borderline. Reasons for wondering:
-Incredibly clingy, fears abandonment and rejection. Doesn't see anything weird about going into someone's building uninvited when they're not there, waiting for them near their workplace, etc
-Will either want to talk with me and be with me all the time, or is accusing me of not caring, pushing her away (when I try to establish some healthy boundaries - I've been pretty direct with her cause it's the only thing that works at all), etc. She had a similar relationship with another woman my age before, who moved away eventually. Before, she would talk about how terribly she missed this person and how that person understood her so well. Now she doesn't want to talk about her and says things like "she didn't really understand me, she didn't get how different and special I am, we always got into fights, I don't want to think about it." Hmm.
-Seems constantly angry, but will say things like "I got angry about something, which is weird, because I really don't get angry much." !! Incredibly irritable and sensitive. Reads every single comment etc etc that I post on Facebook and if it's anything about human relationships, etc she will quite obviously take it as being about herself and often posts passive aggressive status updates in response and that sort of thing (though thankfully, if she is mad at me she won't post on my page at all). Is often openly jealous that I get more comments on my FB than she does. Tries to muscle in on conversations (online and otherwise) with friends.
-I think she has a distorted view of our friendship. She expects it to be on the same level as mature friends who I have known for years. She always goes on about how she wants to be treated as an adult. But her emotional age seems to be no more than ten.
-Talks a lot about not knowing who she is, doing things without knowing why, and so on.
-Has occasionally talked about suicide (I spoke with her parents after that started to happen, but like I said, they're pretty useless. The mother is probably severely depressed, btw). I don't think she's self harming though, unless she is hiding it well.
The last couple of weeks were typical. I got a bit harsh and set some very firm boundaries, which she was really mad and upset about. She left me alone for several days and then started making overtures again. We thrashed it out in the usual torturous two hour convo. Things seemed ok for a couple of days - well, she went back to very clingy as usual. Phone convo on Sunday, thankfully fairly short. Email exchange on Monday. All fairly peaceful. Tues, I texted her and didn't hear back. Some passive aggressive sort of status updates from her. Weds, I said I wouldn't see her this week as I was feeling pretty lousy physically and emotionally. No sympathy - just "how is that?" and then a lecture about isolating myself - for real!! I remained diplomatic and said I'd be seeing a friend that night. She goes "Of course. Your friend. Because I'm nothing." It's often like she can't stand the idea that I have other friends. I didn't respond. We haven't been in contact since Weds but she has done the usual passive aggressive FB thing. The scary thing is that NOTHING precipitated the hostility on Weds. I mean, nothing. But you know, it was probably one tiny thing I said on FB or something.
I feel bad about "abandoning" her but I really think I need to start doing a slow fade. At least she is getting some help now. I have put in a great deal and the recurrent hostility, negativity, clinginess, anger etc are really getting to me. It is tricky unfortunately because we attend the same place of worship so I can't cut her out completely. And she does need support and isn't getting alot, though the church elders are now more aware and so forth, as well as the therapy. But I feel it is having a negative impact on me.
Do you think she's borderline? Any other comments?