OK, I have slightly heavier, more specific set of questions but some of the behaviour I have observed in other ESFJs. Sorry about the length.
My Mum (an ISFJ) is close friends with her manager at work, whom (I believe) is an ESFJ. There is a lot of tension between them right now, that isn't being spoken about and my Mum's getting rather upset over it. To cut a long story short the ESFJ has a lot of stressful stuff going on in her life: she helps cares for several ill or elderly family members, has 2 young grandchildren whom she looks after a couple times a week, is stretched thin at work with a terminally ill boss, and she has lupus (a chronic illness that is dramatically affected by stress and physical excursion). While she has little choice about some of these issues, she continues to take on more things, often well beyond the call of duty, frequently refusing the help of others. While I sympathise and deeply admire her compassion, to some degree she has made a rod for her own back. For example: she has babied the boss for years, doing a lot of work without pay, including paying his rates for him - consequently he expects her to run around after him. This really bothers my Mum, to the point that she has difficulty remaining sympathetic, especially as the ESFJ works herself into ill health. The ESFJ seems to resent the fact that my Mum won't put in the same effort and the level of sacrifice at work as she does (which is really beyond what she is paid for). She also, no doubt, senses my Mum's strong disapproval of her doing all that extra work in the first place. However, this is merely what we presume she is thinking, as she won't come out and say this directly. Instead, she makes cutting comments, is cold and distant, and has stopped confiding in my Mum. My Mum isn't wholly innocent, as she can be very judgmental, pushy and opinionated when she thinks people aren't behaving as they should. She does desperately want to reconcile, though, but is uncertain about what to do.
So my questions are:
- How do you think the ESFJ rationalises making such unreasonable things (like paying her boss's rates for him) as being her responsibility? Why do ESFJs confuse a favour with obligation?
- Why do ESFJs bite off more than they can chew in terms of responsibilities? Even when they are intelligent and sensible people that can plainly see these are: a) too much for them b) negatively affecting their health c) aren't their sole responsibility anyway. Why can't she say no, when she is such a strong person?
- How can you get them to slow down, let others help them, or simply let go of some things that aren't essential? There have been constant and repeated attempts in this case but she just won't listen.
- Is it common for ESFJs to wall up emotionally when angry at someone? This ESFJ won't be straight with my Mum - it seems unfair because she punishes her without giving her a chance to explain why she feels as she does about the matter.
- How can my Mum approach her to discuss the tension between them? My Mum fears that if she does, all the ESFJ will do is yell at her and that she will be unwilling to hear her side of the story.
I just want to say I really care about this ESFJ too and think her a fantastic human being. I just wish she would put herself first more often and take better care of herself. I also want to see my Mum and her get on again.