INTJMom
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2007
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- MBTI Type
- INTJ
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- 5w4
First of all, I have anger problems, too. I've studied a few self-help books on the subject, and they were pretty helpful. I've come a long way, but I still go through spurts where I struggle now and then - and especially when my hormones have run amuck.How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence?
I have a great deal of trouble processing anger. It so quickly alters thinking. How can you trust it? It seems rooted in entitlement which I have long come to see as a useless frame of mind. I have some anger at the moment, but don't have a system by which I can tell if it is justified. How do you know when anger is constructive vs. destructive?
I think what you said about anger being rooted in entitlement applies to the whole human race. One of the things I've learned is that if I want to have a peaceful spirit, I have to have an attitude of yielding my rights. And it really works. When you realize you don't have any "rights" and you're not entitled to any expectations, there's a lot less stuff out there that can ruffle your feathers.
I have learned that sometimes I may offend or hurt someone accidentally. When I do that, it's still my responsibility to apologize and try to make things right. It doesn't matter that I didn't mean it, or I didn't do it on purpose. I angered them, and so I should apologize. Now the person doesn't always accept my apology, but I am not responsible for that; they are. If I hurt or offended someone, I would want them to tell me, so I could make it right, but not all people are that way. Sometimes, when I inform someone they hurt or offended me, they get defensive. It's too bad we can't get lessons on this in school....
What adds a difficult layer is if the hurt or violation was not intended. Then how do you feel angry? There is still something that needs to be worked through even if you understand why it happened.
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Every now and then, I get angry out of proportion to what was done to me. When that happens, I take it as a sign that an inner wound, probably from my childhood, has been re-opened. I have a ritual I go through for healing from old wounds which includes forgiveness of the perpetrator/s of the original wound, which is the only true way to get it healed for good.
You reminded me - one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband is that he can't yell (I came from a family of yellers). I mean if he tries, he chokes and coughs!...
when I've seen someone get really mad and yell at someone - even if it's been at me - that's been the deal breaker for me!
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I think what you're describing is a healthy non-destructive way to deal with your anger, and I applaud that.I've always found anger to be destructive first and constructive second. Ergo I usually disappear if I'm angry. Once I've had time to kill you sixteen ways from sunday in my head a more bright and breezy mood settles and then I can return with my wits in tact and kick your ass
This whole internalise = bad thing that get's bandied about either I fail to understand it or as far as I can see it's an extroverts witch hunt. In my understanding of internalise that's exactly what I do with my anger. I stop emitting anything until the anger is processed ...
Perhaps that's different from what the psychologists mean about turning your anger inward because it's a well-known saying in those circles that, "Depression is anger turned inward". I know when I get depressed it's because I'm angry and usually don't even know it. I'm not one to be "in touch with my feelings".
It seems that the way I internalize my anger is different from the way that you do it. Yours seems to be more healthy. My way is self-destructive.