[INFP] Overcoming shyness

[Mad Hatter]

This has actually been an issue for years, but I thought now I’d give it a try and start a thread. I’m usually not that uncomfortable with being an ‘I’. But even this specific I needs to have at least some friends around and dates other than historical ones.
I just have such a hard time making either (Oh self pity, thy name is me ).
It has simpy reached a point where I decided that I must do anything about it and not lose any more time.
The two major questions that crossed my mind today are:
What is shyness actually, and how does it evolve?
And most importantly: Is there actually a way to overcome it? I’d be especially grateful for some practical advice here.
I’m sometimes concerned about how other people might perceive me. Chances are that most people know me for not knowing me and think that I’m rather aloof and fairly intellectual (read: nerdy) - not that there’s anything wrong with that; I guess I sort of cultivate this image a bit. But it tends to put people off. I’m really not an unfriendly person, far from it - it's just that I rarely ever make the first move, in almost all of my social interactions. Especially in courting I think it‘s fair to say that this it’s not what is expected of males. This is also where shyness is the biggest issue. Since chances are rather remote that this will change all of a sudden, I guess that I have to change instead. (And it’s not settled yet, but chances are also that I'm beginning to have a crush on someone right now )

I know all of this may sound very non-descriptive for the time being, but I wanted to make this some sort of general thread. Inputs, especially from other male INFPs, would be highly welcome. But of course it's in the public NF forum, and that's where I meant it to be

 

[Heinel]

Yeah! It's always that "possible crush" that makes us hate our introversion. I also agree that the "aloof" image needs to go, but as a T...

At least now I know Fs have this too, so somehow it's not as hopeless as it seemed....

 

[Lady_X]

i think it has to do with how much you care about consequences ...like think of the worst that can happen and decide you can live with it...realize it's not quite the big deal...like look at an enfp who says ridiculous things all the time and people go like...wtf?! but?? who cares right?

so just do you.. ya know...share your thoughts and opinions so people can get to know you.

 

[kiddykat]

I think shyness comes from a subconscious level, where you learn from a specific event that makes you associate that memory with something along with the lines of embarrassment, failure, identity (positive or negative).. It could also be fostered by your environment where 'shyness' seems to be cute.

For some, whom are naturally shy, it's probably deep rooted in their personality.

Anyway, if this is regarding your love life- no sweat. Some girls like the shy guys (I do). Be you. Strike up an innocent convo with the lady you like, and let it flow from there. Over thinking things can also cause shyness to worsen.. Imagine that you are talking to your buddy or something.. Replace the image of her with someone you associate with as a close friend/human being.. Really, because that's really all that person is. Human, just like anyone else. Crushes.. *sigh*

 

[Charmed Justice]

I am terribly shy, but most people don't know it. I've trained myself to appear fierce when it matters. I don't expect to ever get over my shyness, I think it's always been a part of who I am to some degree. I need to feel out a situation before I jump in. I need to evaluate the climate, and then I consider how to engage. In considering how to involve myself, I naturally think of all the things that could go right, or wrong. It's the "or wrong" that causes my shyness, so I guess it could be labeled as social anxiety. In any case, it's not a real problem for me so long as I keep my eyes on the prize.

 

[PeaceBaby]

When you realize how many people do feel shy, so many of them in fact, introverts and extroverts, it helps you 1.) to not feel so alone in that and 2.) to take the first step and just talk to someone.

Chances are that they will appreciate and admire your confidence. I do think this is an area where "practice makes perfect" - in my early 20's I used to have to write down on paper what I wanted to say on the telephone to someone I felt nervous talking to, and now after years and years of growing and maturing, I could spontaneously talk your ears off if necessary.

But just getting good at something doesn't make that initial discomfort completely vanish - I still do feel shyness regularly even in the present; I just decided in my mind that the benefit potentially outweighs the momentary discomfort. And if someone makes me feel regularly awkward, I know better now just to maintain a social politeness with them and seek out the people who fit me better for closeness.

Good luck!

 

[Spamtar]

90% of life is just showing up

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

90% of life is just showing up

QFT

 

[speculative]

90% of life is just showing up

Yes but as they say in real estate: location, location, location.

Actually, to put it more seriously, 90% of life is determined by where you just show up to...

 

[Poki]

There are so many reasons why I dont say things, sometimes I just dont have anything to say, I dont want to be rude, what you said sounds good so I dont put in any more thought, etc. So what is the difference between quiet and shy? I would say I am more of a quiet person.

 

[Mad Hatter]

90% of life is just showing up off

Fixed it for ya

 

[Poki]

90% of life is just goofing off

ISTP fixed

 

[Not_Me]

Desensitize yourself by approaching and talking to many people. You will find that most will not respond with the negativity that you anticipate. From my experience, xNFx's come cross as being warm and likable. Don't worry about being judged.

Consider taking a volunteer position that involves dealing with the public. People will approach and talk to you. After you get more confident, you can practice doing the approaching.

 

[Lily Bart]

Don't worry about any awkwardness that may show up when you're getting to know people--it doesn't matter partly because people will understand because they've been in the same boat at some point in their lives and partly because most people don't remember ninety percent of what you say later. They just have an impression -- "he seemed shy but very nice" or "he was so easy to talk to" which means they did all the talking and you've just been labeled that most valuable of social beings, a great listener! Most people really want to like other people so they'll go out of their way to make other people feel good about the encounter. Every once in a while you'll run up against someone who's nothing but ego -- but they aren't worth it, anyway.

 

[Mad Hatter]

90% of life is just throwing up

I promise that's the last one for today (just couldn't resist )

Consider taking a volunteer position that involves dealing with the public. People will approach and talk to you. After you get more confident, you can practice doing the approaching.

Oh, I have to talk to crowds on a regular basis. I'm a college student and have to give presentations on a regular basis or discuss in class. The strange thing is: The bigger the crowd, the less nervous I am (maybe because I perceive them as a group, not as individuals). My first two presentations made me horribly nervous, but now I sometimes actually enjoy it.
When approached, I'm usually quite talkative - but as I've said, it's all about making the first move.

So what is the difference between quiet and shy? I would say I am more of a quiet person.

I’d say quiet is when you don't feel the need to talk to other people; shy is when you want to, but feel like you simply can't.

ike look at an enfp who says ridiculous things all the time and people go like...wtf?! but?? who cares right?

At least you’re self aware
But really: Those people have always been a mystery to me. Of course I had my mental headshakes as well (right, the wft?!), but at the same time I envy them for their ability to simply go and talk to people. And they really don’t seem to mind all that much, even when it seems to be totally irrelevant to me.
But then again, I wonder if I could get away with the same.

Anyway, there's that girl I’m about to see tomorrow. I only see here once a week during a lecture (and a crowded one at that), and I really don't know her but would like to get to know here a bit better (all I can tell is that I like how she looks and dresses herself). Even if I had the courage to go to her, I didn’t know what to say.

I think shyness comes from a subconscious level, where you learn from a specific event that makes you associate that memory with something along with the lines of embarrassment, failure, identity (positive or negative)..

Yeah, I guess I'll post something about my past experiences in that respect, all of which are still quite present. It’ll probably make things a little clearer.
Your points I haven't addressed are also worth talking about.

Anyway, I think I'm going to bed now (already past 4 am over here).
So good night, and cheers

 

[entropie]

Just remember, regardless of all the help you get and of what of the help you might find useful, if you get the feeling its all too much, then leave it.

A relaxed man is the first to overcome shyness. And that involves to a great deal being yourself.

Wish you the best of luck in finding your relaxation.

 

[Spamtar]

Ha ha this thread cracked me up.

Good job Avis, your cool.

The INTP thing about being a play-on-word fetish is true. It reminds me of the old PUA saying of "know your victim". When I saw the play on words, it pulled me in similar to "chick crack" (astrology, tarot, handwriting analysis) worked and soon became fun..turning an awkward situation into a game (actually got pretty good at the skills in the process)

 

[LavaLucy]

Sometimes I try to just say hi or start a conversation before I've had time to think about it. Otherwise if I've already thought about it and felt the fear I'll move. I'll walk a bit come back and try to rationalize negative thoughts with the What's the worst that can happen? question. Moving really helps though do not underestimate the moving if you're just sitting there...feeling uncomfortable.