Hi IZthe411,
This is my first post here (and I guess I should go do an intro post, will get to that later, I'm writing this one at a library).
It looks like you got much good feedback and a workable way to move forward (breaking your concern about compatible goals into detailed questions). So the issue you asked about is probably solved to your satisfaction as far as this thread goes.
But reading this thread bought up a few concerns, and I'd like to share them with you. Take whatever you think applies, leave the rest. Of course!
You wrote, "But if she works part time or not at all, I do expect the house to look a certain way at all times, and food should be cooked. I hate eating out unnecesssarily and if she's not doing that, what is she doing?"
And you wrote, "See, I already own a house, and pretty much have things laid out. I want my wife to be able to come in and maintain what I already have going, not throw it off."
I was in a 19-year marriage that as far as I could tell was ISTJ male and ISFP female (me). Who filed for divorce? Me. While I originally appreciated our differences and how they worked together, the relationship ultimately wore me down. I tried, tried hard to stay, for years. We have kids, teens.
Communication is key, and I see that you are willing to work on this on an ongoing basis. That's absolutely wonderful. Please don't let up after rings are on fingers!
Some 'heads-up' things to remember as you move forward with this woman, if you do:
Marriage is a partnership. Equals. Equals is a critical concept.
Unilateral decision-making on your part will damage the relationship. What I mean is things like: "I do expect the house to look a certain way at all times." Do you know yet how she would like the house to look? If your preferences differ in some areas, can you reach a compromise? (Add kids to the equation and can you reach a second compromise?) This is just one example; any unilateral decision-making that affects the other person is going to be a problem, things like changing her health insurance without discussion.
If you make more money than she does, will you nonetheless make financial decisions as equals? I don't mean that you both have to agree on details of a mortgage; she may be happy with you handling the 'high finance.' But what about preferences on how much is available for vacations and how much to save and at what level of risk? If you see things differently now or later on, can you both compromise? Will you have the accounts and assets in both partners' names? Having money in one person's name only is very damaging to a partnership. So is 'giving' your wife an 'allowance.'
She will likely appreciate your dependability and financial contributions very much, especially if you have kids. You may feel you are showing love through these things, and you are, from your perspective. But can you also show her affection other than sexual? Hugs, touches, playfulness. Can you make regular time for her in your structured life? These are the things that bond people; this is not trivial.
Without the above, she may eventually come to feel that she is disliked for who she is, and viewed as inferior or a possession, and feel that although you want a family, you do not want a relationship. If you truly do like who she is, and do truly want to spend time in her company, let her know in ways that she understands -- not solely in ways that you understand.
You two are very different people. If she ever asks for marriage counseling, jump right in. Do it even if insurance doesn't cover it. I do think such a pairing could work, but only if there is ongoing effort over the long haul.
In fact, could you two, if the relationship continues, eventually look into taking a premarital counseling course of some kind, something reputable and well-done?
I wish you happiness and fulfillment.