[INFJ] How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

[istina]

Well it's good to know we're in the same boat! So maybe he's over analyzing my actions as much as I'm over analyzing his?

If he's worth his INFJ salt, that's exactly what he's doing.

We made the general plans to "hang out" again this past Friday. So I'm thinking maybe around Wednesday(?) I'll send him a text that says something like:
"Hey Did you still want to do something this weekend? If so, I was thinking...[insert activity or restaurant name]?"

Does that sound okay?

Sounds perfect. It's not overt and tells him you really do want to spend time with him. At some point, try doing something outside. A picnic screams romantic and you said you didn't want to give that off, so don't do that just yet.

I edited my post above with an answer to your question about touching/hugging, btw.

 

[AutumnReverie]

I love both, but I usually don't initiate. When I get to a point where I feel very close to someone, then I'll initiate and see what kind of response physically I get from them. I say hug 'im next time you hang out. It's subtle. I don't think it'll throw him over to the side of "Oh, she likes me!" because it's such a small gesture, but I think it'll tell him that you're comfortable with him, you appreciate spending time with him, and if he remembers you're not a huggy person, he'll feel good that you wanted to hug him.

Yeah, I kind of accepted that he's not an "initiator" after the first couple weeks of knowing him But it's fine, I think it'll be good personality development for me to learn how to do some initiating of my own! Although, would it be a turn off to an INFJ if I preface the hug by asking permission? Example: "Would it be awkward/okay if I gave you a hug?" (said while smiling coyly)

I tend to think possible awkward situations are better when one is self-aware and jokingly acknowledges it. Am I wrong?

This isn't connected to anything, I was just musing: I really feel for someone trying to figure out if an INFJ is interested. For me, it's everything I normally do, just more so. I like looking in someone's eyes when I'm talking to them because it shows them I'm interested in what they have to say. I like knowing facts and personal information about someone. I usually remember details about someone that are seemingly unimportant. I like playing armchair psychologist for someone going through something or for someone that went through something in the past. None of that means I'm interested in someone romantically. It's just because I'm an INFJ. When I am interested romantically in someone, it's all of these things to a different degree. Like I said before, it's laser-sharp eye contact, it's following up on something someone said a week ago, it's remembering small details about them, etc. The shift is very much internal, not external. I always feel like I'm being extremely obvious, but that's only because something has shifted inside for me. So, I feel for you and anyone else trying to gauge interest from an INFJ. We're subtle creatures, perhaps too subtle.

Aww thanks (<-- speaking of hugs )! It's definitely difficult with a type that's so subtle. I don't want to be like the girls in the "He's Just Not That Into You" movie who twist and over-analyze tiny subtle details to try to convince themselves that he's interested...when he's not. I think that's why I've been so unsure because I don't want to overanalyze and misinterpret but when the signs are so subtle, I kind of have to look at them with an analytical eye instead of take everything at face value.

Sounds perfect. It's not overt and tells him you really do want to spend time with him. At some point, try doing something outside. A picnic screams romantic and you said you didn't want to give that off, so don't do that just yet.

Great! Yeah, I want to think of something to do outside as well. We already did the dinner thing and I don't want him to think that all we can do together is eat and talk. So maybe...watching a local live band outside then eating before/after? Or something like that...

 

[the state i am in]

for the majority of infjs their self-efficacy is at its absolute lowest point at initiating new relationships. we have too much invested in our idea of ourselves and our emotional connection with others (when we desire them) to do this easily. we are also cautious creatures (for the most part) who are afraid of losing what we already have (this includes our sense of dignity as we imagine it). depending on enneagram defense strategies you get a lot of different wind/weather patterns, etc.

the easiest thing is just quality time. if we single you out more than anyone else, it's bc we like you more. attention is the easiest way to measure our affections and interest. as far as specifically romantic attention goes, we often get wayyyy more closed up and more push-pull and defensive in these situations. more mature infjs are capable of sooo much improvement in these areas, but most younger infjs are afraid to mix it up and learn too fast (bite off more than they can chew) bc Fe implosion is probably the worst feeling in the world.

also, when we are around people we are interested in we share more, we get really fucking happy, way more open in a bear-hugging the world kind of way, and our gestures get bigger and more elaborate and loud. kind of a more tight-lipped super concentrated version of those gushy enfps.

 

[AutumnReverie]

@ the state i am in: Thanks so much for the insight on the inner-workings of the INFJ mind! I'll take what you said into consideration.

as far as specifically romantic attention goes, we often get wayyyy more closed up and more push-pull and defensive in these situations.

Would you mind elaborating on this more, please?

 

[the state i am in]

in the past i have often acted far more childishly and nervously around people for whom i had a romantic interest. your expectations swell and you let your daydreaming fantasizing corrupt the actuality of the situation. that's that classic nf idealism at its finest (being sarcastic). i'm generally not immediately open to new people, but when interested, i'll purposely try to reign myself in a bit, avoid the person, make sure i am ready to handle hte situation, and just overthink everything a LOT. Ni travels down as many possible roads it sees to look for anything dangerous, which kind of causes the present moment to stun us with surprise bc we haven't been paying close enough attention to what is actually in front of us.

 

[AutumnReverie]

but when interested, i'll purposely try to reign myself in a bit, avoid the person, make sure i am ready to handle the situation, and just overthink everything a LOT.

Hm the "avoiding" bit has me intrigued, because at times I've felt like this was true (which is why I've been so confused when looking back on all our encounters as a whole). For example: Late in the spring semester, we had gotten into a routine of having lunch together about twice a week (after class). He's the one who initiated it and began walking with me somewhere to eat then eating together, instead of riding his bike back to his room like he usually did. However all of sudden for a week or two he just stopped and started riding his bike back to his room like normal. At this point I wasn't romantically interested in him yet, but it still really confused me. I figured that maybe he just didn't like me anymore or was busy. But it was still strange -- the avoidance. After about two weeks he started having lunch with me again, invited me to a lecture/discussion with him (he's into political science), and everything was "normal" again.

Currently, he's still kind of hard to interpret (like I hinted at in the opening post). He'll seem very interested in spending time with me and happy/attentive/talkative when he's actually around me, one day. Then the next week, he'll fail to text or call me at all*. He did finally message me after a week and said that he's been busy (then he asked how I was/what I was up to, etc.), and I completely believe him (because he's mentioned his schedule before and he said we could do something again next weekend), but still...it makes me wonder if he's actually interested in me at all or maybe if he's "on the fence".

*Although I should probably note, in his defense, that he seems to be horrible with contacting people via text/phone. Shortly after he had texted me back, he updated his Facebook status to say "[his name] needs to learn how to call people" And about 5 of his friends (both male and female) replied: "Just pick up the phone, it's not that hard", "You need to learn how to text people too", etc.

INFJs can be very confusing - subtle signals, attentiveness, avoidance, attentiveness again, etc.

I'm glad I have you all to help me though!

New Question: Are INFJs very indecisive/fickle when it comes to deciding on who they like? Or do they pretty much "know" and stick with that (barring any major complications/events/etc that would change their mind)?

For me (ISTJ): I may be indecisive (weighing all options and leaning towards a different option each day) leading up to a decision, but once I actually make a decision I'm committed to it fully. It may have taken me 5 months or so to reach the conclusion that I am actually interested in him (romantically) but now that I've come to that conclusion, I definitely will not be debating it anymore in my mind. Now I've moved on to the next step/decision: Determining if he's also interested in me and taking any necessary steps.

 

[Requeim]

Hmm, what sort of subtle hints in your body language/flirting do you do? I usually don't notice flirting unless it's obvious (and if it's obvious, I'm usually turned off ...so it's a good thing I like an INFJ). But if I knew what specific things to look for, then I would definitely notice and pick up on them.

well, i don't really think they're that subtle, but yeah. Stuff like getting closer to you, telling you personal things about myself or my family (this is a dead giveaway). Being very very friendly basically. You will also find, that in this state i won't disagree with anything you say at all. IDEALISM

So...the next time we go out, would giving him a hug be inappropriate/make him feel uncomfortable? I know he probably has a bunch of ENFP girl friends who do that all the time without any pause, but it might be different with me since he probably already knows that I'm shyer & not as touchy-feely. :blushing: .

you should totally go for it.. He might be a little startled at first, but he will totally know that you're interested then

Although, would it be a turn off to an INFJ if I preface the hug by asking permission? Example: "Would it be awkward/okay if I gave you a hug?" (said while smiling coyly)

That is cute, you should totally do that

New Question: Are INFJs very indecisive/fickle when it comes to deciding on who they like? Or do they pretty much "know" and stick with that (barring any major complications/events/etc that would change their mind)?

I "just know".. And when i reach that point it takes alot for me to change my mind. For the last two and a half years, i have been very much into a girl in my class. I don't really talk to her outside of the school(she lives far away from me) but i've been dropping subtle clues left and right and by my definition of flirting i've been all over her . She is a very flirty person (ExFP) and i thought she was that way towards me because she liked me in "that" way. I've only started to notice recently though, that she behaves that way towards every damn person in the universe, so that was a downer. Then i start to lose interest slowly (and this confuses her as hell, because she's only ever seen me in the state i described above).

I don't how much of use this advice is, i'm just an 18 year old guy (19 tomorrow the 29th actually ) who have never had a girlfriend or been kissed etc.

 

[istina]

Although, would it be a turn off to an INFJ if I preface the hug by asking permission? Example: "Would it be awkward/okay if I gave you a hug?" (said while smiling coyly)

It wouldn't be a turn-off. I wouldn't use the word "awkward," though. "Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?" would be better. If it would make you feel more comfortable to ask, ask. I doubt it'd matter either way to him. If he's hanging out with you, I would think he'd be okay with a hug.

i'll purposely try to reign myself in a bit, avoid the person, make sure i am ready to handle hte situation, and just overthink everything a LOT.

I can definitely relate to this. In my case, it was because I didn't know if the feelings were mutual and I didn't want to suffocate the person with my presence in case they weren't interested. At that point I require the other person to make a bit of effort to initiate talking to me or hanging out with me. It's stupid, I know. I just have a fear of someone only being around me to be kind and so I need them to initiate some as well. So, I guess by ignoring the person, I'm forcing them to initiate. And if they do, I'll be okay for a little while until I feel the need to force the issue again. I have noooo idea if that's the case with him, though. Just trying to give you more insight into this INFJ because that could very well be the case with him, too.

Are INFJs very indecisive/fickle when it comes to deciding on who they like? Or do they pretty much "know" and stick with that (barring any major complications/events/etc that would change their mind)?

Not in my case. I weigh all things before I decide I like someone. Something major I didn't factor in would have to happen for me to change my mind. It usually will stay until, for whatever reason, I know it won't work out.

 

[AutumnReverie]

you should totally go for it.. He might be a little startled at first, but he will totally know that you're interested then

That is cute, you should totally do that

Yay! Okay, I'll go for it then.

I "just know".. And when i reach that point it takes alot for me to change my mind. For the last two and a half years, i have been very much into a girl in my class. I don't really talk to her outside of the school(she lives far away from me) but i've been dropping subtle clues left and right and by my definition of flirting i've been all over her . She is a very flirty person (ExFP) and i thought she was that way towards me because she liked me in "that" way. I've only started to notice recently though, that she behaves that way towards every damn person in the universe, so that was a downer. Then i start to lose interest slowly (and this confuses her as hell, because she's only ever seen me in the state i described above).

Aw, I'm sorry about your ENFP Hopefully, now that you're giving her less attention and losing interest, she'll realize how much she actually likes you around before it's too late! I'll cross my fingers for you.

It wouldn't be a turn-off. I wouldn't use the word "awkward," though. "Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?" would be better. If it would make you feel more comfortable to ask, ask. I doubt it'd matter either way to him. If he's hanging out with you, I would think he'd be okay with a hug.

Okay, I'll use "okay" instead of "awkward".

I can definitely relate to this. In my case, it was because I didn't know if the feelings were mutual and I didn't want to suffocate the person with my presence in case they weren't interested. At that point I require the other person to make a bit of effort to initiate talking to me or hanging out with me. It's stupid, I know. I just have a fear of someone only being around me to be kind and so I need them to initiate some as well. So, I guess by ignoring the person, I'm forcing them to initiate. And if they do, I'll be okay for a little while until I feel the need to force the issue again. I have noooo idea if that's the case with him, though. Just trying to give you more insight into this INFJ because that could very well be the case with him, too.

Oh no ...I feel the exact same way and I do the same thing! If we're both doing that then I can see how it might cause confusion on both ends. I don't usually have this fear, but with him...he just seems like such a genuinely nice person (which is something I've told him). So it seems probable that he could be just being "nice".

Not in my case. I weigh all things before I decide I like someone. Something major I didn't factor in would have to happen for me to change my mind. It usually will stay until, for whatever reason, I know it won't work out.

Hm, interesting. Thanks! That's good to know. I guess that sort of thing really differs between INFJs.

 

[Requeim]

Aw, I'm sorry about your ENFP Hopefully, now that you're giving her less attention and losing interest, she'll realize how much she actually likes you around before it's too late! I'll cross my fingers for you.

actually, ESFP is way more plausible, i tried explaining mbti to her at one point, and she just kept laughing at me

but thanks anyway

 

[AutumnReverie]

actually, ESFP is way more plausible, i tried explaining mbti to her at one point, and she just kept laughing at me

but thanks anyway

Laughing at you about the mbti? Aw, well I hope you find another ESFP (if that's the type you like ) in the future, who actually appreciates you.

Out of curiosity, did you ever take the initiative and ask her out? Are you going to just in case there's a chance?

By the way, thanks so much to everyone for answering my questions (and talking about this) for me! I really appreciate it.

 

[Keps Mnemnosyne]

I'm glad to see that this thread blossomed and answered your questions. Report back to us about how it goes as I at least am interested.

 

[firstjudge]

I, too, have a tendency to ignore people I'm attracted to. Its a terrible habit which is the cause of my lack of relationships. I'm sure they sometimes interpret it as me being an asshole or stuck up, but the truth is I just feel like I won't be good enough for them.

 

[AutumnReverie]

I'm glad to see that this thread blossomed and answered your questions. Report back to us about how it goes as I at least am interested.

I'll definitely report back any new developments!

I, too, have a tendency to ignore people I'm attracted to. Its a terrible habit which is the cause of my lack of relationships. I'm sure they sometimes interpret it as me being an asshole or stuck up, but the truth is I just feel like I won't be good enough for them.

Hmm, at what point do you stop doing that? When she's shown a certain amount of interest in you? I'm sure that as long as you're not like that 60+% of the time, she just thinks you're confusing more than anything else.

 

[Requeim]

Laughing at you about the mbti? Aw, well I hope you find another ESFP (if that's the type you like ) in the future, who actually appreciates you.

Out of curiosity, did you ever take the initiative and ask her out? Are you going to just in case there's a chance?

By the way, thanks so much to everyone for answering my questions (and talking about this) for me! I really appreciate it.

I don't like a specific type, i'm just not used to people being that flirty, so that kind of got to me

i never "asked her out", you don't really do that here, and i wouldn't do it anyway as i'm way to scared of rejection etc. to even try

 

[workaholicsanon]

I, too, have a tendency to ignore people I'm attracted to. Its a terrible habit which is the cause of my lack of relationships. I'm sure they sometimes interpret it as me being an asshole or stuck up, but the truth is I just feel like I won't be good enough for them.

I do that too. In part for the reason you mentioned, in part just because I get so nervous and shy.

 

[workaholicsanon]

Hm the "avoiding" bit has me intrigued, because at times I've felt like this was true (which is why I've been so confused when looking back on all our encounters as a whole). For example: Late in the spring semester, we had gotten into a routine of having lunch together about twice a week (after class). He's the one who initiated it and began walking with me somewhere to eat then eating together, instead of riding his bike back to his room like he usually did. However all of sudden for a week or two he just stopped and started riding his bike back to his room like normal. At this point I wasn't romantically interested in him yet, but it still really confused me. I figured that maybe he just didn't like me anymore or was busy. But it was still strange -- the avoidance. After about two weeks he started having lunch with me again, invited me to a lecture/discussion with him (he's into political science), and everything was "normal" again.
. . .

INFJs can be very confusing - subtle signals, attentiveness, avoidance, attentiveness again, etc.

I'm glad I have you all to help me though!

New Question: Are INFJs very indecisive/fickle when it comes to deciding on who they like? Or do they pretty much "know" and stick with that (barring any major complications/events/etc that would change their mind)?

bold #1: that is so me when i am attracted to someone! And it's something I really can't control. Part of it is that I get so nervous that I freeze up and my mind goes blank (this only happens with guys I like that way, not in any other context), and then i realize I must have come off as a total ice queen, I feel so bad about it, and I go into my safe place, ponder, analyze, and come up with ideas to how to relate better--hence the "attentive" periods. But mostly I hope that the guy would recognize that it's me being shy, not me being cold, and just bear with me until I get used to the possibility of romance and until I am actually believing that the guy is interested in me (often I think I read too much into things or that I constructed this whole illusion of him being interested, so I dont believe it at first). So with INFJs I think it takes some persistence, patience, and recognizing what an INFJ acts like when they have a crush (like you're doing). I guess we're an unusual bunch.

bold #2: I am picky about romantic interests, but once the spark is there, wow, it consumes me! ESPECIALLY if the object of my affect also shows some interest (or if I thought he did). My crushes can last for years. And during that time, I am very unlikely to be interested in anyone else, unless the crush blows me off in some rude way or if I sense he really is not interested. In which case I will be heartbroken, but will be ready to set my sights on someone else (which could take a while).

 

[AutumnReverie]

I don't like a specific type, i'm just not used to people being that flirty, so that kind of got to me

i never "asked her out", you don't really do that here, and i wouldn't do it anyway as I'm way to scared of rejection etc. to even try

Aw, I sympathize with you...I've never asked anyone out either. I'd much rather be the "responder" than the "initiator" (less chance for rejection/embarrassment that way) But I guess we all have to learn sometime...

I do that too. In part for the reason you mentioned, in part just because I get so nervous and shy.

Aw, well this is definitely helping me understand better. I knew that he was a bit shy, but I didn't know that that could be the cause for avoidance. Now I know though!

bold #1: that is so me when i am attracted to someone! And it's something I really can't control. Part of it is that I get so nervous that I freeze up and my mind goes blank (this only happens with guys I like that way, not in any other context), and then i realize I must have come off as a total ice queen, I feel so bad about it, and I go into my safe place, ponder, analyze, and come up with ideas to how to relate better--hence the "attentive" periods. But mostly I hope that the guy would recognize that it's me being shy, not me being cold, and just bear with me until I get used to the possibility of romance and until I am actually believing that the guy is interested in me (often I think I read too much into things or that I constructed this whole illusion of him being interested, so I dont believe it at first). So with INFJs I think it takes some persistence, patience, and recognizing what an INFJ acts like when they have a crush (like you're doing). I guess we're an unusual bunch.

Bold #1: Well, I feel like I'm being obvious that I'm interested, but since I'm introverted and shy as well...I can't be sure that my interest is coming across as obvious as I feel it is. For example: Last night, we were texting and I asked him if he was going to this meeting tomorrow (it's a club/organization meeting that he invited me to go with him to last semester). He said he would love to go, and asked what time it was. I told him and said that if he was going that I might go to (read: I will go ).

For anyone who knows me really well, knows that I wouldn't say that unless I'm interested in that person romantically. However, to everyone else that could be interpreted as just a friendly gesture (i.e. One of my other friends -- a straight female with a boyfriend -- said that to me just two days ago: that she would go to this other event only if I was going).

So I guess he'd only be able to see the "signs that I'm interested in him" if he interprets it that way. But I'll try to make it a bit clearer in the future (i.e. hug him the next time we go out). Although, once again, a hug could be interpreted as just friendly too...but anyone who knows me really well knows that I don't hug anyone unless I really mean it (read: I rarely hug people ever).

Bold #2: Yes, I'm definitely learning patience And I'm glad you all are here to help me out, otherwise all these "unusual" INFJ actions would still have me confused.

bold #2: I am picky about romantic interests, but once the spark is there, wow, it consumes me! ESPECIALLY if the object of my affect also shows some interest (or if I thought he did). My crushes can last for years. And during that time, I am very unlikely to be interested in anyone else, unless the crush blows me off in some rude way or if I sense he really is not interested. In which case I will be heartbroken, but will be ready to set my sights on someone else (which could take a while).

That's good to know. So hypothetically speaking, if he likes me then it's not going away any time soon...but if he likes someone else already then there's probably little chance for me?

He's never mentioned anyone else, so this is all just hypothetical, but I'm just putting it out there to understand better.

 

[firstjudge]

Hmm, at what point do you stop doing that? When she's shown a certain amount of interest in you? I'm sure that as long as you're not like that 60+% of the time, she just thinks you're confusing more than anything else.

I don't think I ever stop.

 

[hokie912]

When I'm interested in someone, I have a bad habit of becoming friendly with him and outwardly only showing the "friends" interest. I'll talk to him, and make a specific effort to get to know him and figure out what he's like, but I'm terrible with overt verbal or physical flirtation. Usually it's for fear of rejection. I'm working to get better about that and becoming more confident in myself -- it's a process!