[INFP] INFPs and flirting

[briochick]

I don't know if there's another post specificaly like this but I looked and couldn't find one.

Anway, I don't know about other infps but to say I have difficulty flirting would be a bit of an understatement. If I actually figure out that someone is flirting with me I get this great deer in the headlights look and I blush. The best I can usualy manage is a smile and a choked response. If someone touches me I'm frozen. Not out of fear or anything, just an inablity to really figure out what is happening and what to do about it. If they're not completely put out by this it may make my whole week. If they are I feel like a complete failure.

When I like someone I listen, affirm, and drill them like an FBI job interview.

How do other INFPs respond to flirting and how do they show their interest?
Is it similar to mine? is it different? I'd love to know.

 

[BerberElla]

I find it super easy to flirt online, but in real life I do sort of panic and hide away more often than not lol.

Most of the time I'm not even aware a guy is interested because I don't expect it, and then when they start trying to flirt with me, heck even offer to buy me a drink I just walk away.

If you're a guy and I know you, and we've hung out in a platonic capacity for 2 or 3 times then I find it as easy as I do online.

 

[BlackCat]

I think this may be different for the guys.

I have trouble flirting period. I don't want someone to hate me or anything, so I'll try to be as non flirty as possible until I'm comfortable with the person. If I know that they like flirting and don't mind it... I am reaaally naughty then. Sometimes overboard. Once I am comfortable with someone I go in this cycle of being comfortable and then when I say something that I think was a bit overboard (even when they didn't think so) I will apologize profusely. It's funny, they NEVER think I go overboard on the flirting but I always think I do.

I feel 100x more comfortable flirting online. I can decide what I want to say and hit the backspace button, in the real world sometimes things just kinda... come out of my mouth and I'm like "GOD why did I just say that" and feel embarrassed. Like telling someone I think they are pretty (after them having accepted me... not just random people lol), flirting just doesn't feel right to do unless I want to get serious with them or I am seriously attracted to them (which is very rare, the both of them).

If you want to know my flirting methods I usually am honest about how I think the person is, I like to flatter people. Like "You are so beautiful" or *insert complement about a physical feature here* or I'll even complement how I think they are really smart and how I generally love their personality. What people sometimes don't realize is I whole heartedly mean everything I say, unless the sarcasm is obvious.

It's a different story though when someone flirts with me. Like biochick said I get that "deer in the headlights" look. In my mind I'm thinking "WHAT?! This person actually... LIKES me?!" Flirting is the best way to mentally disarm me, I'm usually speechless for a little while while being absolutely amazed at the person. I'm used to being a doormat for people's problems and their relationship issues, I'm not used to getting any of the love back. I must say that feeling of being appreciated I get when someone does that is rare, but it's really good.

 

[briochick]

Lol, I think I can honestly say that I didn't mean to include online flirting in that question. I think nearly everyone (lol, minus a few intps, poor guys) are pretty good at flirting online. It's like doing it in a dream or a daydream and it lacks the reality that is the cogs in your mind trying to grind backwards and your heart pounding so loud hard you feel lightheaded. Online you can back space and you can hide that awkward laugh thing you do or any flinches or the gawking. No one sees.

Right, that being said, thanks for your answers (I hope to get a few more).
Black cat: feeling appreciated does feel really good, doesn't it?
barberella: I wish I could find flirting easy in any capacity. I think you're lucky.

 

[BlackCat]

Lol, I think I can honestly say that I didn't mean to include online flirting in that question. I think nearly everyone (lol, minus a few intps, poor guys) are pretty good at flirting online.

Agreed... Online is where I get my flirting practice in. I feel pathetic at romantic stuff in the real world though... It's kinda sad lol. It's just this feeling I get that they will hate me for whatever reason if I say something out of line (I do this with friends too, I'm overly cautious).

 

[tibby]

When I like someone I listen, affirm, and drill them like an FBI job interview.

sounds familiar...

 

[Eruca]

Lol, I think I can honestly say that I didn't mean to include online flirting in that question. I think nearly everyone (lol, minus a few intps, poor guys) are pretty good at flirting online. It's like doing it in a dream or a daydream and it lacks the reality that is the cogs in your mind trying to grind backwards and your heart pounding so loud hard you feel lightheaded. Online you can back space and you can hide that awkward laugh thing you do or any flinches or the gawking. No one sees.

Right, that being said, thanks for your answers (I hope to get a few more).
Black cat: feeling appreciated does feel really good, doesn't it?
barberella: I wish I could find flirting easy in any capacity. I think you're lucky.

INTPs can flirt online!

I'd love to show you.

 

[The Outsider]

I can relate to what has been said on this thread. At times I really want to compliment someone I like, but don't have the guts for it. This problem doesn't really exist with friends though.
When someone is trying to flirt with me, I'm just utterly thunderstruck.

 

[briochick]

INTPs can flirt online!

I'd love to show you.

Lol, I'm glad some of you can. Yay, good for you!
hehe, and I'm up for flirting online. Just don't try it on me in rl or you'll get that deer-in-the-headlights look I was talking about.

 

[antireconciler]

Online is where I get my flirting practice in.

Ya ... that's kind of where I see how much I enjoy flirting. Irl, I feel like I have to look pretty much every girl in the eyes, and feel compelled to compliment them if I like them ... not because I would know what to do next 'cause I'm a dork like that, but it's kind of like I have to just because it's scary. If I don't do scary things life gets kind of boring ...

Sometimes it has a really positive effect though!

I might be too dense to recognize flirting. I had a dream once someone was flirting with me though and I was at a fast food restaurant and it was kind overwhelming like sticking your head out of the window of a car on the highway and facing the wind. All I could think to do was stuff my face with whatever I was eating. That's when it hit me that I like to have things in front of my face sometimes if I'm anxious because it makes me feel more protected ... kind of like someone who hides behind mom's dress and only peeks out from behind it when introduced to a stranger.

I have had THOUGHTS that people have been trying to get my attention, but since it's hard for me to flirt, I assume it is for them to (wrongly), so I try to confront them (not smooth at all) to save them the difficulty. But I can remember things, so I remember that idealistic crusading means "WARNING! what you are about to do is stupid and unnecessary!!! Don't do it o my gosh1!!

 

[Biaxident]

*RWAWR*!!

Heya babee...


Used to hate flirting. Now I have no problem. Anywhere, any time, with anyone.
I just learned to ignore the blank looks, the derision in voices, and the eww!! faces, and keep moving forward.

It's rather obvious when someone just plain dislikes you, or is uncomfortable with you flirting with them, at least for me it is.

I pity the people who dislike it. They are soulless automatons.

 

[Neo Genesis]

Man, I'm kinda the opposite; irl I'm okay at flirting, but I suck at it online. Much easier for me to read people when I'm actually talking to them. Smilies can't capture the amount of facial expressions I have at my disposal, lol.

 

[antireconciler]

I pity the people who dislike it. They are soulless automatons.

Which is a lot of people! I've noticed though (bc I was watching) ... ppl like to partition their lives and are often uncomfortable with the idea that they have human bodies and sexual desires except in specific contexts.

It's kind of the same as the fear of stalkers. People like to have control with their minds, and make everything categorized and mechanical and based of functions. Unfortunately, even if rational, any kind of love or affection is anti-analytical and slops over every barrier.

Man, I'm kinda the opposite; irl I'm okay at flirting, but I suck at it online. Much easier for me to read people when I'm actually talking to them. Smilies can't capture the amount of facial expressions I have at my disposal, lol.

Yes! Because online it's so much more ambiguous so even flirting doesn't feel like flirting because no one is really exposed. It's always easier to flirt when you're behind something protective like an internet, but then, just as you can be safe behind this shield because only a smaller amount of you is showing, it's HARD TO GET THROUGH IT at the same time, for the same reason. Flirting is like soliciting yourself. How can you do that well when you can't really show very much of you?

 

[Biaxident]

Which is a lot of people! I've noticed though (bc I was watching) ... ppl like to partition their lives and are often uncomfortable with the idea that they have human bodies and sexual desires except in specific contexts.

It's kind of the same as the fear of stalkers. People like to have control with their minds, and make everything categorized and mechanical and based of functions. Unfortunately, even if rational, any kind of love or affection is anti-analytical and slops over every barrier.

I pity the people who dislike it. They are soulless automatons.

Yeah, I was being facetious. I realize some people are like that.

Of course, in a public setting I think many people look at any sign of more than a passing interest as bizarre. Societal conditioning in my opinion.

 

[CzeCze]

Hmmm, I've dated at least 2 INFPs and they are both very flirtatious. The first one intentionally flirts but can take it too far and has caused situations for herself.

The other INFP flirts like crazy but denies she is flirting. Other people are always interpreting her flirting as interest and it leads to situations escalating and/or other unwanted (she says) consequences. Or else she says her flirting is 'obviously joking' and no one should take it seriously.

In both cases I chalk this up to immaturity - either in the general sense or immaturity of function development? I would say Ne in this case is NOT helping them out, but then, Ne is really directed super outwards and you are directly in its blindspot. For whatever reason they can't see their own behavior and can't see two steps ahead of the obvious.

BTW, dating people like this ^^ causes many moments.

The third INFP I know is super shy and non-assertive so she doesn't flirt. If someone shows her interest she may show approval by talking more to them or picking up her energy levels.

Another INFP I know is also super quiet...I have no idea how she would flirt or if she does. I would imagine she just shows her interest by asking a lot of questions.

The INFP that I lived with, I don't think she "flirts", she acts like she normally acts with her friends - silly and joking and interested -but x2.

 

[Laurie]

What is with the flirters who say they "don't flirt" My ISTJ sister does that.

/back OT

 

[kuranes]

What is with the flirters who say they "don't flirt" My ISTJ sister does that.

/back OT

Not sure how many NF's involved in this study...but....
Everyone agrees: Women are hard to read - Women's health- msnbc.com

 

[briochick]

Not sure how many NF's involved in this study...but....
Everyone agrees: Women are hard to read - Women's health- msnbc.com

lol. It's because women are a lot more...varied than men.

I know that my ExFP sister says I flirt sometimes but I don't think so. I'm usually being nice and talking. But, it's given me ample reason to be paranoid that I'd flirting on accident with people who don't want to be flirted with and that's why some guys seem to talk to me once and then never again. I usually can't tell when someone is flirting with me or showing interest. Unless I've got an S friend around I'm usually oblivious. They have to be obvious an of course when they are I go like this .

 

[CrystalViolet]

Apparently I'm dead flirty. I don't see it. It's not an immaturity thing, I really just don't see when some one is interested in me. Which is quite bizzare when you think I can walk into a room and figure out who will hook up with who, in less than five minutes. Just can't see who's interested in me.
So Cze Cze, you are right it is a major blind spot.

 

[CzeCze]

^^ You know, I think this is partly because of the low self-confidence or humility of a lot of INFPs. I don't think you can even bring yourself to imagine that anyone would be into you. So you totally misread the signs people give you that they are obviously interested. I think just telling yourself, "Yeah, I'm totally crush-worthy and it's very likely and possible that someone tonight will be interested in me" --> I think that may help a lot?

BTW - regardless of the reasons, dating people who flirt "unintentionally" is extremely irritating, especially when that behavior causes people to interlope and cause drama, it's just not cute. If you're single it's one thing, but if you're involved with someone (or some people) it causes A LOT of problems.