[INFJ] The INFJ Doorslam

[Glycerine]

I've only done this with a few people...the person has to do a lot for this to happen.

 

[tenINsFJ]

UGH this thread is terrible.
I just read this and I feel really guilty now.
Thinking about all the people I've done this too.
Blah.

You know what the worst thing is?? After talking to someone... I KNOW that it's going to happen but I can't freakin' stop it. And I don't want to do it. And then, *Slam* I disappear.

 

[Tigerlily]

UGH this thread is terrible.
I just read this and I feel really guilty now.
Thinking about all the people I've done this too.
Blah.

You know what the worst thing is?? After talking to someone... I KNOW that it's going to happen but I can't freakin' stop it. And I don't want to do it. And then, *Slam* I disappear.

don't beat yourself up over it. the way i see it is that most people are usually so involved with themselves that they don't notice anyway and the one(s) that matter will know how to behave around you and will avoid the door in the face thing.

 

[eclare]

UGH this thread is terrible.
I just read this and I feel really guilty now.
Thinking about all the people I've done this too.
Blah.

You know what the worst thing is?? After talking to someone... I KNOW that it's going to happen but I can't freakin' stop it. And I don't want to do it. And then, *Slam* I disappear.

Ha! I don't think I ever feel guilty about it. Of course, I always save mine for people who really deserve it.

 

[Ivy]

UGH this thread is terrible.
I just read this and I feel really guilty now.
Thinking about all the people I've done this too.
Blah.

You know what the worst thing is?? After talking to someone... I KNOW that it's going to happen but I can't freakin' stop it. And I don't want to do it. And then, *Slam* I disappear.

You don't need to feel bad about choosing who you spend your time with. They probably understand on some level that it's just not a good match. And if they don't, it's really not your problem.

I've done this a number of times before. Typically it's not "I AM SO MAD AT YOU I JUST NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" it's just "I have to be very protective of my own limited energy and this relationship is draining me instead of lighting me up."

 

[tibby]

I haven't done this. But I'd guess if it was something that violated my trust completely (it ain't easy, there aren't many things I wouldn't forgive). No one has never... oh wait, has. But slamming the door would be kind of overly dramatic in my opinion and besides we're related.

 

[Ivy]

I don't think it necessarily has to be dramatic. Usually, you just let things fade out and don't really make a big deal of it. There's not always a literal doorslam. The times I have done this I've either made at least one effort to see eye to eye with the other person and failed, or conflict has made it difficult to relax with them. When the relationship no longer nurtures either of us but is toxic instead, it's time to move on. It's not really about animosity or drama; just minding boundaries, drawing a protective circle around myself and only allowing in those with whom I can be myself.

 

[tibby]

I don't think it necessarily has to be dramatic. Usually, you just let things fade out and don't really make a big deal of it. There's not always a literal doorslam. The times I have done this I've either made at least one effort to see eye to eye with the other person and failed, or conflict has made it difficult to relax with them. When the relationship no longer nurtures either of us but is toxic instead, it's time to move on. It's not really about animosity or drama; just minding boundaries, drawing a protective circle around myself and only allowing in those with whom I can be myself.

Oh now I see Perhaps for that reason I wouldn't call it a "door-slam". Usually those people I no longer consider close I still somewhat stay in contact with but it's evident the door has been closed. But like I said, it TAKES a lot and it's more like a mentally closing myself from them than slamming the door and making myself unavailable for them.

 

[iwakar]

INFJs in general are pretty big on their personal "circle of safe." I think it tends to get worse with age too.

I also think Ni/Ne doms tend to (annoyingly) spot what we're up to pretty quickly, whether it's the door-slam or the self-imposed isolation.

 

[Synarch]

INFJs in general are pretty big on their personal "circle of safe." I think it tends to get worse with age too.

I also think Ni/Ne doms tend to (annoyingly) spot what we're up to pretty quickly, whether it's the door-slam or the self-imposed isolation.

It just encourages me.

 

[prplchknz]

there's a few people that if they ever called me after years of no contact I'd probably make an excuse. most people it's just our lives grew apart, and be more then happy to catch up with them.

 

[Tigerlily]

Synarch appears to be one of those NT's who can handle an INFJ with ease. Has you figured out before you know what hit you.

 

[Synarch]

Synarch appears to be one of those NT's who can handle an INFJ care. Has you figured out before you know what hit you.

I don't know that I ever feel that I've completely figured them out. Too deep and I would get bored if I could. But, this depth and complexity is what I like as most other people are transparent to me. With INFJ's I just feel like I can see inside, deep enough to see that they want contact, but no further at first. Burrowing in takes a lot of time and attention and love. Also, I just respond to them automatically and intensely. I cannot control it. The eyes, the quietness, the aloofness, the inner strength all attracts me in a way I am powerless to resist.

 

[iwakar]

I don't know that I ever feel that I've completely figured them out. Too deep and I would get bored if I could. But, this depth and complexity is what I like as most other people are transparent to me. With INFJ's I just feel like I can see inside, deep enough to see that they want contact, but no further at first. Burrowing in takes a lot of time and attention and love. Also, I just respond to them automatically and intensely. I cannot control it. The eyes, the quietness, the aloofness, the inner strength all attracts me in a way I am powerless to resist.

 

[Synarch]

That's what it feels like. Circling Charybdis, lashed to the mast of my ship.

 

[iwakar]

That's what it feels like. Circling Charybdis, lashed to the mast of my ship.

Ah-hah.

So you're the poor sod in the center:

:chuckle:

 

[cascadeco]

I don't think it necessarily has to be dramatic. Usually, you just let things fade out and don't really make a big deal of it. There's not always a literal doorslam. The times I have done this I've either made at least one effort to see eye to eye with the other person and failed, or conflict has made it difficult to relax with them. When the relationship no longer nurtures either of us but is toxic instead, it's time to move on. It's not really about animosity or drama; just minding boundaries, drawing a protective circle around myself and only allowing in those with whom I can be myself.

Oh now I see Perhaps for that reason I wouldn't call it a "door-slam". Usually those people I no longer consider close I still somewhat stay in contact with but it's evident the door has been closed. But like I said, it TAKES a lot and it's more like a mentally closing myself from them than slamming the door and making myself unavailable for them.

Yes, this is something I can relate to. I can't relate to a dramatic outburst or anything, because I don't think I've ever really had one. It's reaching a mental place where it's time to move on. Outwardly it'll probably remain civil and I won't even [necessarily] have negative feelings against the person, but as far as something really close...not anymore. It's like an internal adjustment of the relationship, and how I view it. And in a few instances it's definitely been a permanent thing - never looking back.

 

[eclare]

Yes, this is something I can relate to. I can't relate to a dramatic outburst or anything, because I don't think I've ever really had one. It's reaching a mental place where it's time to move on. Outwardly it'll probably remain civil and I won't even [necessarily] have negative feelings against the person, but as far as something really close...not anymore. It's like an internal adjustment of the relationship, and how I view it. And in a few instances it's definitely been a permanent thing - never looking back.

This is definitely my MO, but I have had to resort to the more dramatic outbursts a couple of times when the friend in question wouldn't allow me to gracefully pull away.

I remember once in high school I had a friend/acquaintance - not someone I was super close to, but someone that I shared classes and studyhall with - that I eventually decided was kind of a mean person that I didn't want to be around. I tried to pull away but he kept bugging me all the time. We actually argued once over whether I was allowed to just stop being his friend. I was stunned and told him "I don't like you. I think you're mean. Why would I want to hang out with you anymore?" He seriously could not understand this concept.


And by the way, where were all of you INFJ groupies back when I was young and single?

 

[Dwigie]

I read about the "INFJ doorslam" a few years ago on a list-serve or website, and it definitely resonated when I considered my own behavior. The idea is, the INFJ will get so fed up with a person that she'll totally shut that person out of her life. I have done this a couple of times (so far, permanently) when I have felt deeply betrayed or hurt. My anger can be formidable, but instead of railing against the betrayal, I simply shut off and shut out. It feels like it's necessary for survival in the moments when I make the decision, and from other people's perspectives, it seems really cold and heartless. But usually by that point, I have been patient/forgiving/receptive, and then I say "Screw it. You're out."

I also do this with break-ups, but it doesn't tend to be permanent in those cases. I just have to shut out my exes for a time so that I can clear my brain and heart of them. I didn't do this with the ex I lived with, but he also moved to another town, so I didn't really have to.

Does this sound familiar, INFJs? Do you do this?

Yes but I'm usually ashamed of "slamming the door" and it's more out of shame that I stay away in the end. It can also be long lasting heartfelt hatred. Also if I feel someone getting dangerously close to my core I might shut them out and panic as I do not like feeling threatened in that matter. I like to have control of my relationships.(Not as in "hey wear that shirt and do what I say" sense but I do not like feeling at the mercy of someone else because when I do have any kind of feelings whether it's a friendship or not I tend to let myself be either to overexpose myself so that the person has an "upper hand' in some way. So I quickly cut ties to protect myself....I'd go insane otherwise. Too close for comfort basically.., I'm terrified by the thought of having someone close to me have that kind of "power". If that makes sense.)

 

[ByMySword]

With INFJ's I just feel like I can see inside, deep enough to see that they want contact, but no further at first.

Do you mean physical contact or just social contact in general?