[INFJ] how do you guys go about giving zero F*&#s about what people think of you?

[Cowardly]

Interesting that both FPs and TJs have Fi in common...

and TP's and FJ's have Ti/Fe in common. NJ's and SP's have Ni/Se in common. SJ's and NP's have Si/Ne in common.

I based this mostly on my previous experiences and on random descriptions I found on the Internet.

However, I don't trust most of the MBTI-related information I read. So much speculation. I'm guilty of it too.

If Fe-users are more likely to care about other people's opinions then it should follow that TJs do care the least; followed by FPs (their Fe is higher in the stack), then TPs and FJs.

I have very little confidence when it comes to the functions. I haven't read Jung yet.

I also believe this is a bit more complex:

Contingent vs. non-contingent

A distinction is made between contingent (or conditional) and non-contingent (or unconditional) self-esteem.

Contingent self-esteem is derived from external sources, such as (a) what others say, (b) one's success or failure, (c) one's competence, or (d) relationship-contingent self-esteem.

Therefore, contingent self-esteem is marked by instability, unreliability, and vulnerability. Persons lacking a non-contingent self-esteem are "predisposed to an incessant pursuit of self-value." However, because the pursuit of contingent self-esteem is based on receiving approval, it is doomed to fail. No one receives constant approval and disapproval often evokes depression. Furthermore, fear of disapproval inhibits activities in which failure is possible.

"The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable. . . . This is the Pauline-Lutheran doctrine of 'justification by faith.'"
Paul Tillich.

Non-contingent self-esteem is described as true, stable, and solid. It springs from a belief that one is "acceptable period, acceptable before life itself, ontologically acceptable". Belief that one is "ontologically acceptable" is to believe that one's acceptability is "the way things be without contingency". In this belief, as expounded by theologian Paul Tillich, acceptability is not based on a person's virtue. It is an acceptance given "in spite of our guilt, not because we have no guilt".

Psychiatrist Thomas A Harris drew on theologian Paul Tillich for his classic I'm OK – You're OK that addresses non-contingent self-esteem. Harris translated Tillich's "acceptable" by the vernacular "OK", a term that means "acceptable". The Christian message, said Harris, is not "YOU CAN BE OK, IF", It is "YOU ARE ACCEPTED, unconditionally".

A secure non-contingent self-esteem springs from the belief that one is ontologically acceptable and accepted.

 

[Bush]

The topic got me thinking. It seems that specific realizations like this often come from more general realizations.

I can't say that I've shed "giving a nonzero number of F*&#s" entirely. It also took me a while to get that number down from infinity. (Y'all can handle the JCF talk; I'll blame E3.)

But the degree of apathy I do have came mostly hand-in-hand with realizing that most people have (a) a grossly incomplete picture and (b) no effect on me whatsoever aside from the self-reinforcing psych stuff.

Now, (a) is actually pretty apparent, but it's still hard to get it jammed into your brain.

And (b) comes from, among other things, having endured some pretty bad criticisms but coming out of them absolutely unscathed. That particular thing has a way of reinforcing self-confidence, which in turn reinforces being able to take criticism, which in turn gives you a cool little skyward-facing spiral.

 

[Kelly777]

how do you become your own person? be the rugged individualist you guys are? share your wisdom infjs!

I think it's more complex than this with infjs. But what isn't? I am very sensitive about what people think of me but I'm not image conscious. So I don't always know when I'm being weird, for example. Also, I tend to look beyond appearances for the"real" meaning and forget that many people take things at face value. So I'm more concerned with what is than how things look. If I have to choose, I will do what feels right over what makes me look good. But it still stings to hear the tsk tsks and see the heads shaking.

 

[Nico_D]

Let's hope so. Turned 37 2 days ago and this sad, old theme is still affecting me. All it takes is someone to say I look tired or shoudn't take things personally etc. and I'm paralyzed for the rest of the day.

I think that's different thing than caring about what other people are thinking about you. Especially HSP's can be over-sensitive (I know I can be) to what other people SAY to me - people can say the stupidiest things, you know - but that's different than caring what they actually think of me. Up to a point, of course.

Mark Manson's article The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck gave me perspective. Although I probably would have ended up not caring after caring for too long. People always seem to have had "opinions" about me. I took them seriously far too long, even believed in them, until I stopped. I know who I am, I don't need anyone else projecting anything to me saying that's who I am when it's they themselves.

 

[Destiny]

how do you become your own person? be the rugged individualist you guys are? share your wisdom infjs!

I have had social anxiety for many years so I can understand how you feel.

I just tell myself that no matter what I do, there will always be some people who dislike me, and their opinion of me will never change no matter what I did.

So why bother with them? I'm not on earth to please anyone. And have you ever wondered why people used to be very outgoing and confident during their childhood days, but as they grow older they started becoming more shy and reserved and self-conscious ? Now think back about your childhood days, do you remember how confident you were back then? That mindset, use that.
To give a zero f*&# about what people think of you means you have to start looking at this world from the perspective of a child, you have to imagine that this world is a harmless place, you have to imagine that everybody in this world have kind intentions toward you. And then naturally you will start letting down your guard around people and start feeling self-confident around people.

This is the only way you can escape from the self-conscious mentality, by seeing this world through the perspective of a child.

 

[meowington]

People always seem to have had "opinions" about me. I took them seriously far too long, even believed in them, until I stopped.

Yeah I give people way too much credit, even from beneath my own misanthropy, by valuing opinions too much. I'm getting there, sometimes, some days

 

[Masokissed]

Generally, I pull up a chair and take a good hard look at they dumb ass. Then, I get up, and all my fucks walk out the dowh wit me.

 

[meowington]

I can pretend I don't care very well, does that count ?

 

[Habba]

Self image is important and affects all eight cognitive patterns equally.

Yes, this is they key in not caring about what others think and say about you. As long as you have a strong self image you are self respecting. You have to know who and what you are, and be proud of it. If you have to hide, alter or avert your own personality when socializing, you care what others think about you.

Know yourself and be proud of it.

 

[drumdrum]

Live in line with your deepest held principles and values. First of all, know what your core values and principles are.

If your actions and words are fitting with your values and principles, then you are living well and in line with who you are.

If you do the above, no reason to give a damn about what anyone else thinks, because you know you are being exactly who you are. You are living the life you can't not live.

 

[Cloudpatrol]

In my experience TPs tend to care more than FPs. Especially ExTPs.

FPs and TJs usually care more about how they're seen by themselves, which is a little weird.

Yes, so true for a segment of the FP's! May I ask how this is weird? (for the purpose of gaining self-awareness)

 

[Cowardly]

Yes, so true for a segment of the FP's! May I ask how this is weird? (for the purpose of gaining self-awareness)

I think it's when the whole 'living up to one's standards' thing gets deeper and stranger. As if there's actually a part of you that you want to impress. That's at least what happens to me. I noticed some of it in my FP friends too.

Would any Fe-user weigh in on that? It's only sheer speculation so far.

 

[Cloudpatrol]

I think it's when the whole 'living up to one's standards' thing gets deeper and stranger. As if there's actually a part of you that you want to impress. That's at least what happens to me. I noticed some of it in my FP friends too.

Would any Fe-user weigh in on that? It's only sheer speculation so far.

Hmmm, that is fascinating. I need to think on it. Thanks for the thought stimulation!

 

[reasondeep]

I think it's when the whole 'living up to one's standards' thing gets deeper and stranger. As if there's actually a part of you that you want to impress. That's at least what happens to me. I noticed some of it in my FP friends too.

Would any Fe-user weigh in on that? It's only sheer speculation so far.

Fi is so fascinating. Thank you for sharing this, especially the part I made bold. I'm not sure I could ever comprehend it in the manner that you and other Fi people do, but it's a nice concept to wrap my mind around... very grounding and self-stabilizing.

 

[magpie]

how do you become your own person? be the rugged individualist you guys are? share your wisdom infjs!

A lot of practice.

 

[Laxton]

You grow old enough. Happens naturally around 35-40.

That sounds like a very late time to adopt this mindset. I quit giving a shit about what anybody thought of me since I graduated high school and my life has become much better for it.

A lot of practice.

Introspection and expressing your internal thoughts to others can make this process faster.

 

[magpie]

Introspection and expressing your internal thoughts to others can make this process faster.

In my experience, that actually makes it slower.

 

[Laxton]

In my experience, that actually makes it slower.

It depends on how you go about doing it.

 

[magpie]

It depends on how you go about doing it.

I disagree. It depends on the person. I feel most sure of myself when I'm doing as opposed to introspecting or thinking. And expressing internal thoughts to others is unnecessary for being your own person, especially if what you're doing with that expression is looking for approval.

 

[Laxton]

I disagree. It depends on the person. I feel most sure of myself when I'm doing as opposed to introspecting or thinking. And expressing internal thoughts to others is unnecessary for being your own person, especially if what you're doing with that expression is looking for approval.

What does "being your own person" even mean? You are the person that everyone around you made you to be, unless you decide that you don't have to listen to others and create your own approach to life. If you don't develop your viewpoints when thinking or searching for answers within your consciousness, then how do you do it? By being your own person, do you mean to have an views that are cultivated from organic thoughts?

If you don't put your ideas out there, then how can you confirm or deny them? How can you be sure that they are correct if you do not allow them to be assessed by others?