Thank you to both littlelostnf and proteanmix for your posts! They do reinforce my view of the expression of Fe and its motivations - and my view was actually rather rosy already.
I've never experienced manipulation at the hands of an ExFJ - just persuasion, and the benefits of listening to their persuasion. The choice of action, however, was always mine - so I wouldn't call it manipulation, as that implies no choice.
I do think that BW's definition wasn't all that off base - isn't Fe defined as the obeying of external values over your own? However, it's also very clear that not many actual people would be mindless slaves and puppets to forces outside. I read BW's profile as more of an exercise in theoretical unbalanced Fe dominance than an ENFJ profile.
At the risk of incurring some wrath, I would suggest that it's actually the ExFJ's Fi (by definition) that stops an ExFJ from becoming a puppet to the outside, just as it's an IxFP's Fe (though some have not learned the skills all that well, possibly because of Fi's influence) that stops them from becoming a self-obsessed asshole who simply goes around judging everyone and frowning. This comes purely from the definition of each Feeling function, rather than any perceived inequality in each function's virtue - which seems to be a sticking point here (that BW is biased in favour of Fi)?
I think where he caused offense was in labelling his analysis as an "ENFJ profile", thus applying it as a definition for all ENFJs, rather than calling it a study in the behaviour/thinking pattern of unbalanced DomFe. Actually, I would quite like to see that - an analysis of what a person with an overwhelming dominant function would behave or think like... theoretically. Thus instead of seeing it as an attempt at The definition of our type, we would be more able to see it as an archetype, and draw differences/similarities/lessons/offense that way.
I agree that it does not seem as balanced as the introvert profiles I've seen so far. Then again, this could be the result of the functional definitions themselves.
Introverted functions, in their sphere of influence, tend only to hurt the bearer of such function. Extroverted functions, particularly the judging ones, tend to want to influence others. So naturally, you would see more complaints about an extroverted judger cropping up, compared with an introverted perceiver. Generally, complaints about introverted perceivers are about a person's lack, rather than excess... so lack of smiling, lack of involvement, lack of initiative - very annoying things, but their effects on other people tend to be secondary - ignorable if you ignore the person or exclude them. Extroverted judgers are harder to ignore because they seek to act on others. Maybe that's the source of the greater volume of complaints against DomFes and DomTes.
Please note I am fully aware that I'm talking about the
outside shows and effects of these behaviours. I do not doubt that Fe (and Te) are truly well meant... as are all the functions, in good people.
Then again, you also see a greater
volume of approbation, like, love, passion, inspired feelings, camaraderie, shows of efficiency and gratitude for extraverted judgers (here the introverts kind of vanish into the background- again, defined by a
lack of impact, though of course we still do have an impact)... so I would say it all balances out.
It does seem to depend on the recipient's level of understanding of the motivation of each person. Once I understood the selfless motivation behind DomFes, I realised that their behaviour was not contrived, but was instead motivated because they actually... liked.. being socially acceptable and (ugh) pleasant! *horrified*
rarely does anyone every stop to ask how an EFJ experiences their own Fe.
Yay, I did!

It's not the usual thing that comes up in conversation though.

"Soooooo, how's your Fe hangin'?" *feels sudden urge to waggle eyebrows*