[so] Understanding the Social Instinct

[Hazashin]

I don't know. I don't like typing people, especially just after a couple of posts. I can't even type my own husband! I feel like it's a very internal, intuitive process. I've asked other people for input but it's more to get the conversation going, maybe it will help others reach conclusions about themselves. I know the only person who can type me is me, so I figure it works the same for others.

It doesn't work for me at all. I just second-guess and doubt myself and oscillate between choices (again, this correlates with my dependency issues). I definitely don't feel like I know myself as much as I should.

 

[VagrantFarce]

Hazashin, what do you think about when you're alone? What have your biggest dreams and aspirations typically been in your life, and why?

Everyone has all three instincts, the point is to figure out which one you have an overinflated attachment to - regardless of how confident you may feel with it right now ("confidence" is far too malleable to really determine all of this with).

 

[Speed Gavroche]

this has nothing to do with being Sx

Yes. Actually that has to do with being Sx-last. Sx-second is possible, but Sx-first is absolutely not.

Whenever I'm around someone I really like, I get VERY paranoid about how attractive I look to them. If I'm going to meet with them somewhere, I go the extra mile to look good. But in general, everyday life, it's not that important to me.

Another proof that you are not Sx! When you are Sx, you are in a constant alert mode like there was an opportunity for sex and intimacy at each second. Listen, as an Sx-first, I never go out in a appearance that could make me look ugly and not attractive, and when i do, i consider it at a risk. Of course, as many Sx, I often indulge in neglect, the most extreme cases of horrible neglect come from Sx/So, but I take on me that I'm taking a risk for this time, and then, I look at me in a mirror and I think something like "eh, actually that make look like an adventurer, pretty interesting, hello honey, wanna fuck?".

If you don't care about intimacy as a general rule but are obsessed with someone from time to time, it's a typical clue nat you're not Sx, Sx-last are even more like this. And Sx is not about "find love", damn! Are we suposed to be emo shit or something ?!!

 

[Speed Gavroche]

What's So/Sx like?

I put a description something like two page before.

 

[Hazashin]

Yes. Actually that has to do with being Sx-last. Sx-second is possible, but Sx-first is absolutely not.



Another proof that you are not Sx! When you are Sx, you are in a constant alert mode like there was an opportunity for sex and intimacy at each second. Listen, as an Sx-first, I never go out in a appearance that could make me look ugly and not attractive, and when i do, i consider it at a risk. Of course, as many Sx, I often indulge in neglect, the most extreme cases of horrible neglect come from Sx/So, but I take on me that I'm taking a risk for this time, and then, I look at me in a mirror and I think something like "eh, actually that make look like an adventurer, pretty interesting, hello honey, wanna fuck?".

If you don't care about intimacy as a general rule but are obsessed with someone from time to time, it's a typical clue nat you're not Sx, Sx-last are even more like this. And Sx is not about "find love", damn! Are we suposed to be emo shit or something ?!!

So would opening up to people quickly NOT be a sign that I'm at least Sx-second? Because I open up to people quickly.

 

[Speed Gavroche]

So would opening up to people quickly NOT be a sign that I'm at least Sx-second? Because I open up to people quickly.

It's possible.

 

[Hazashin]

It's possible.

I think I was being misleading when I said I don't care how I look in public. I do care how I look when I go out, but not terribly so like I would if I was going to see the girl I like.

 

[Speed Gavroche]

I think I was being misleading when I said I don't care how I look in public. I do care how I look when I go out, but not terribly so like I would if I was going to see the girl I like.

It can sound Sx-second, because Sx-last does'nt act instinctively to be attractive for their mates.

 

[Hazashin]

Hazashin, what do you think about when you're alone?

The only thing different I think about when I'm alone as compared to any other time when I'm not is that I wish I was with one of my close friends.

What have your biggest dreams and aspirations typically been in your life, and why?

I've never been ambitious at all. The most important thing to me is what I said about what I wanted my life to be like. This: "What I really want is to live a nice life, have a really nice intimate/romantic relationship with someone that I really love and whom I can relax with, have and develop great friendships with some great friends, and enjoy all of life's simplicities without getting too involved in it's complexities. In three words: peaceful, pleasant, and passionate."

 

[Hazashin]

It can sound Sx-second, because Sx-last does'nt act instinctively to be attractive for their mates.

Can an Sx-second's most important aspiration in life be to have an intimate/romantic partner but go about it in a passive way? 'Cause that's how I am.

 

[brainheart]

Yes. Actually that has to do with being Sx-last. Sx-second is possible, but Sx-first is absolutely not.



Another proof that you are not Sx! When you are Sx, you are in a constant alert mode like there was an opportunity for sex and intimacy at each second. Listen, as an Sx-first, I never go out in a appearance that could make me look ugly and not attractive, and when i do, i consider it at a risk. Of course, as many Sx, I often indulge in neglect, the most extreme cases of horrible neglect come from Sx/So, but I take on me that I'm taking a risk for this time, and then, I look at me in a mirror and I think something like "eh, actually that make look like an adventurer, pretty interesting, hello honey, wanna fuck?".

If you don't care about intimacy as a general rule but are obsessed with someone from time to time, it's a typical clue nat you're not Sx, Sx-last are even more like this. And Sx is not about "find love", damn! Are we suposed to be emo shit or something ?!!

This is great, but I think your so is coloring it a bit, too. I think sx/sps want something a little more secure- not as secure as a sp dom, but they don't like the idea of flings not leading to something quite as much- (although that's how it is sometimes- ) more romantic, maybe- but yeah.... The search for ' true love' isn't it as much as animal magnetism- there is something very raw about it.

 

[Viridian]

I would think these social reformers would be some mixture of so and sx. Either sx/so or so/sx. It doesn't seem that sp's would be social reformers - they'd likely be more interested in their own gains, like how you say that sp = I (me).

I think the sp = MEMEMEMEME thing is pretty untrue. Sp-doms are more attuned to security/atmosphere and seem more contained, but that doesn't make them selfish. Amélie Poulain is a sp/sx, and she is anything but.

 

[Speed Gavroche]

Can an Sx-second's most important aspiration in life be to have an intimate/romantic partner but go about it in a passive way? 'Cause that's how I am.

Yes.

 

[Speed Gavroche]

This is great, but I think your so is coloring it a bit, too. I think sx/sps want something a little more secure- not as secure as a sp dom, but they don't like the idea of flings not leading to something quite as much- (although that's how it is sometimes- ) more romantic, maybe- but yeah.... The search for ' true love' isn't it as much as animal magnetism- there is something very raw about it.

Sx/Sp have often a very raw animal magnetism. See Marlond Brando (8w9) or Jim Morrison (7w8) for example, but yeah they are more steady and sucuring.

 

[SilkRoad]

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer concerning so-first, but what I relate to in the sp/sx stacking is the idea of security being tied to your relationships, both romantic and friendships. Feeling secure based on the health of relationships, etc. I relate to that so much, much more than I relate to anything about financial and physical security (though I do to a certain extent.)

 

[INTPness]

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer concerning so-first, but what I relate to in the sp/sx stacking is the idea of security being tied to your relationships, both romantic and friendships. Feeling secure based on the health of relationships, etc. I relate to that so much, much more than I relate to anything about financial and physical security (though I do to a certain extent.)

Interesting perspective. I'm sx/sp and it's never been like that for me. My sp is more about wanting to make sure I've got a roof over my head, I'm secure financially, etc. I don't have a family of my own, but if I did, it would extend to their security as well I'm sure. But, the status of my relationships don't really provide me with a sense of security or non-security. If relationships with family or friends aren't going well, I just think, "Gosh, I should do something to get these back on track" - but it doesn't really affect how secure I feel or anything like that. Those relationships somehow feel "outside" of my personal security. Good friendships feel like a "bonus" on top of personal security.

 

[Silveresque]

Well, I think this thread confirms sp/sx for me. Based on the OP I'm definitely So last (I'm terrible at networking and remembering people's names and birthdays and who said what and all that). But I'm not sure I would consider myself concerned about security. Maybe Sp has more to do with physical things, personal space, and comfort. I do like my space. When I'm alone I don't really think much about people, I think about whatever I happen to be into at the time. Lately I've thinking about TC all the time. Sometimes I'll go through a phase where I actually care about my appearance and I'll wear my best clothes so I can look good, and I'll care about how my hair looks that day and hope people actually notice me. But mostly I'd rather just relax and wear whatever is most comfortable. And I don't think I'm Sx last because if I think about going out somewhere and doing something fun, I think it would be lonely to go alone, but also lonely to go with group of friends, ironically, so I would much rather go with one close friend. I also really want to find one person who can truly understand me, someone I can be intimate with. So I think I'm sp/sx/so.

 

[brainheart]

Sx/Sp have often a very raw animal magnetism. See Marlond Brando (8w9) or Jim Morrison (7w8) for example, but yeah they are more steady and sucuring.

Nice, thanks for the validation (How I feel it is there is always this awareness, someone walks into a room and it's this, I find you attractive and I can tell you find me attractive too, but typically it's an unconscious nonverbal sense, as I said before.

Some notes I took about the instincts from Riso-Hudson Wisdom of the Enneagram:

Self preservation:
physical safety and comfort- "Does the environment support my sense of well-being? Are my physical needs being met?"

healthy: earthy, practical, take care of basic life necessities

unhealthy: take poor care of self or obsess over health and food; problems with money and organizing affairs; self destructive: instinct turns against self

when it's your least developed instinct: basics of life don't come naturally; lack drive to accumulate wealth or property- bad at managing time and resources, with detrimental affects to their careers, social life, material well-being


Social
desire to be liked/ approved of, feel safe with others: need to feel accepted and necessary, like to feel involved, interact with others for common purposes
aware of power structure and politics between people and groups
like to know what's going on, need to 'touch base' to feel safe, alive, energized
enjoy interacting but avoid intimacy (my personal opinion: facebook is a perfect example of the social instinct; post photos and lightly touch base so you know what's up with no real intimate contact.)

unhealthy: can become extremely anti-social; fear and distrust others, but can't disengage from social connections.

least developed: attending to social endeavors and commitments doesn't come naturally- difficult seeing the point of creating and sustaining social connections. Disregard opinions of others; minimal involvement with community; don't need others; others don't need them. Frequent misunderstandings with others.

Sexual
constant search for connection and an attraction to intense experiences (not just sexual experiences, anything that promises a similar charge). Seek intense contact; "intimacy junkies". Follow their attractions.
positive of type: wide-ranging exploratory approach to life.
negative of type: difficulty focusing on their own real needs and priorities, pursuing own projects, taking care of themselves- always looking outside self for completion: "plug looking for socket". Can become obsessed with a person if they think they are the right one to complete them.

unhealthy: scattered attention and lack of focus. May be sexually promiscuous or trapped in fearful, dysfunctional attitude toward sex and intimacy.

Least developed: attending to matters of intimacy and stimulation, both mental and emotional, does not come naturally. Difficulty being intimate or getting excited; routine-bound. May be socially involved but feel somewhat disconnected or detached, even from family, friends, lovers.

 

[INTPness]

Also, in regards to what has been said about sp's and security/safety, I think they can sometimes be very protective of their time as well. I'm much more protective of my time than I am of my material possessions. You want the shirt off my back? OK, no problem, here you go. You want to waste my whole day on nonsense? Ummm, no.

 

[Silveresque]

Also, in regards to what has been said about sp's and security/safety, I think they can sometimes be very protective of their time as well. I'm much more protective of my time than I am of my material possessions. You want the shirt off my back? OK, no problem, here you go. You want to waste my whole day on nonsense? Ummm, no.

I totally agree with that. I'm not at all materialistic, but I need my time.