[INFJ] Common INFJ issues

[skylights]

Z - given, i am not very enneagram-skilled, but the INFP seems sp-ish (9?), what do you think he and vicky jo are?

She is the Sarah Palin of INFJs.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Don't know about the actual enneagram type, but the instinct variant seemed very sp/sx (least so) to me, yeah. And Vicki Jo seemed very so/sx (least sp). I can't remember exactly what gave me that impression, and I'm not willing to watch it again, but I think it was the way the guy was explaining that he doesn't like parties where he doesn't know anyone. His attitude towards interaction with others in general resonated more with me than Vicki Jo, and it just seemed more like instinct variant behavior to me- stuff that didn't necessarily fall under the distinction between INFJ and INFP. Though the stuff he said about always knowing how he feels about things seemed more INFP. I think. Like I said, I can't remember exactly what gave me the impressions I got.

 

[Quay]

The constant is that it takes me a long time to truly stop caring. Even if someone does something heinous. In the area of romantic relationships, it doesn't mean I love them anymore in a way that I could be in a relationship with them. I won't lead someone on in that way. I think the fact I still care and am nice can make a person think there is still a chance when there is not. But I would never, never commit to being in a relationship with someone if I don't think it would work out between us, even if I have love for them. EDIT: And there is a big difference in the way I show I care as well. i.e. I'm a friend, I'm never open to anything flirtatious or romantic from the person ever again.

This is exactly me. It seems a lot of women I know always have these horrendous break-ups with men, but I've never had that. And that's not to say that I'm oh-so-better; I really think if the breakups had been more aggressive and finalized, I'd not have had the residual effects months and years later. However, we generally respect each other, and I'm usually the one that has to set the boundary of, "I love ya, but not like that."

But overall, I've generally been cool with men after relationships ended. I really don't see a reason why I should be nasty afterwards.

 

[skylights]

Don't know about the actual enneagram type, but the instinct variant seemed very sp/sx (least so) to me, yeah. And Vicki Jo seemed very so/sx (least sp). I can't remember exactly what gave me that impression, and I'm not willing to watch it again, but I think it was the way the guy was explaining that he doesn't like parties where he doesn't know anyone. His attitude towards interaction with others in general resonated more with me than Vicki Jo, and it just seemed more like instinct variant behavior to me- stuff that didn't necessarily fall under the distinction between INFJ and INFP. Though the stuff he said about always knowing how he feels about things seemed more INFP. I think. Like I said, I can't remember exactly what gave me the impressions I got.

ok, i was thinking the same thing for him too, sp/sx. haha i don't blame you for not wanting to watch it again, me neither. i feel like vicki jo overextends her theory a little bit in general... too much induction...

 

[Chloe]

Z - given, i am not very enneagram-skilled, but the INFP seems sp-ish (9?), what do you think he and vicky jo are?

Infp is 6, vicky jo is 3

She is a 3 gone bad

 

[nightning]

quick question... INFJs, what do you think of Vicky Jo?

I've never been a fan of her writing / site. I remember coming across her stuff many years ago when I discovered MBTI... I read a little bit, but then I gotten fed up with the "fluff".

This is the first time I've seen a video of hers and it only confirms my opinions about her... Too touchy feely... and far too much drama. Just watching the INFP sitting next to her makes me feel uncomfortable for him.

Enneagram type might have something to do with the supposed differences between INFPs and INFJs... unless Vicky play-acts as an INFJ. She's just so unlike other INFJs I know.

Question to INFJs;
Do you have hard time admitting [to yourself and others] you stopped caring so much for someone you were very close to? You care too much to keep them even though you dont care anymore enough.

There are some people I used to care a lot about, who I no longer care anymore/care as much. Part of it was because it felt to me like wasted effort. No matter what you put in, they just didn't seem to be willing to put in the effort to try and change. After a while, I just gave up and moved on.

Then sometimes you care about a person a lot and if what's best for them is detachment... all you can do is let that happen. I'll always have a soft spot for the special someone though even if nothing is acknowledged.

How are you like when in love? Intense? Slow in beginning but then nuts? Nuts in the beginning but then more controled/less expressive/enthusiastic but still hot on the inside?

Cold hot would be the best description. I can't say for other INFJs, but I tend to fluctuate a lot between two extremes at the beginning. This probably confuses people to no ends.

 

[Starry]

Then sometimes you care about a person a lot and if what's best for them is detachment... all you can do is let that happen. I'll always have a soft spot for the special someone though even if nothing is acknowledged.

I have read this kind of statement from INFJs many times and it always leaves me a bit uneasy. Frustrated to be honest...but I think my frustration stems from the fact that, when I have asked for clarification, the subsequent answers always seem a bit vague. And always seem to hint at a bit of 'back-peddling'...as if to say 'oh no...that's not what I mean'.

Still...the statement appears over and over again...and so I am left thinking...what is true? And so I will press again...and see what happens.

Who decides what is best for the other person? Does the INFJ make all decisions in this regard? Do INFJs experience relationships as equals...or is the INFJ always a little bit above, parental, all-knowing...and therefore has the power to make decisions on the part of the other individual without the other individual's input?

A direct/plain/honest answer would lay this to rest for me. thank you so much.

 

[the state i am in]

I have read this kind of statement from INFJs many times and it always leaves me a bit uneasy. Frustrated to be honest...but I think my frustration stems from the fact that, when I have asked for clarification, the subsequent answers always seem a bit vague. And always seem to hint at a bit of 'back-peddling'...as if to say 'oh no...that's not what I mean'.

Still...the statement appears over and over again...and so I am left thinking...what is true? And so I will press again...and see what happens.

Who decides what is best for the other person? Does the INFJ make all decisions in this regard? Do INFJs experience relationships as equals...or is the INFJ always a little bit above, parental, all-knowing...and therefore has the power to make decisions on the part of the other individual without the other individual's input?

A direct/plain/honest answer would lay this to rest for me. thank you so much.

we have better access to feeling outside of ourselves, the feeling that is circulating in the social system as a kind of language, a way of recovering intention of characters in specific scenes. these scenes are all organized by frames, kinds of socio-culturally informed mini-maps. but we have bigger maps. the long and short of it is that we trust our own inner symbology, the system we have in place, that once we represent it, we feel we have very strong predictive power when exploring how these smaller meaning systems are embedded within larger meaning systems. so we trust the meanings we are using, our own framework very much, for recognizing these systemic meanings circulating and recognizing where the person is in relationship to these basic external forces, which we use to try to locate them and recognize the kind of systemic conflict, disturbance, disruption, etc that is occurring, that gives us a kind of hypothetical goal, a purpose to explore in a problem-to-be-solved kind of way. it's not all-knowing, it's just a different type of knowing that relies more on systemic meaning than subjective experience.

as to the prompt that led to your questions, we act based on our sense of the ecological validity to what we are doing. well, our primary mode of being ethical is to use this kind of systemic intelligence to understand the effect/affect/resonance of what our actions amounts to given what we have internalized about the expectations of others and their place within the current socio-cultural system, what is likely for them. this creates a nasty habit of not acting, of withholding information that would allow them to make the choice, and can amount to a communication barrier in a relationship (similarly to how not sharing Ji stories that you are telling to yourself, including the ones that are feasible but not the one you tell to us, doesn't really accurately reflect what is true for you, just what is not literally false (i know a lot of entps who do this all the time in relationships). or for Fi types who have faith, but don't really illustrate the limitations of that and then we don't really understand what why how when where etc, but yes, something did change--> this does not allow us to feel like we have any control either, it takes away our sense of compromise, of working together, of giving us a sense of expectation and prediction which is important to our well-being). both sides have needs of finding balance with regards to sharing/not sharing, but this is the way that Je types have to work with that in mind. obviously these tools can be used in both positive and negative ways, for good intentions and bad, and for being open and being restrictive/misleading. but anyway, at times we will use this judgment process to assume that we need to detach so as not to pollute others or damage others with our own truth-problems (emotional, logical, representational) and also with regards to us balancing our sense of what we want against the poles of acceptance vs expectation.

 

[Starry]

both sides have needs of finding balance with regards to sharing/not sharing

state, the love of my TypeC life, I said I would press and see what came of it…and my expectations were thoroughly exceeded. I am so glad you were the one that took this on. The answer was far from plain...and it was quite perfect. Thank you so much.

And for the first time I got it…got this. And I needed to get this.

You are so right. Both sides definitely need to find balance with regards to sharing/not sharing. I also think both sides, like you illustrate above, need to find balance with regards to ‘perceiving/judging’. I will say though, that all the stuff I don't share...I usually don't share because it often feels meaningless. Like pretty (or sometimes ugly) images dancing around in my head. If I am getting ready to make some sort of decision about all that dancing stuff...then I usually get prepared to share. But that is just me...and not necessarily ExxPs in general.

But wow…the INFJ sure seems to put the J into INFJ (what?). Umm…I’ve got a life chalk full of ISTJs, ESFJs, ENFJs, INTJs and yes, an ISFJ here and there. And just from personal experience I can seemingly navigate these Js far better. And so you are right. I believe we are back to the sharing/not sharing. None of these Js have ever thought to withhold from me what their Js needed in order to make the relationship work. Perhaps, at times, I have wished they had!! LOL. Likewise, though, I could reach into these individuals. It may take a lot of work…but together we could eventually find that broken connection and repair it…and together we could create some living, working compromise.

The INFJs in my life seem a little more resistant to this type of work (remember, this is just my life examples). I seem to instead be constantly worried that I am going to somehow screw something up…like there is no room for error. I realize I am overly sensitive…but there is a sense that a decision will be made without reaching into me…oh and once that gavel comes down?

I realize now that it is not the way in which the information is gathered that is so threatening to me. I realize I do not so much mind people I trust making decisions on my behalf. It is merely how not flexible/temporary those decisions are. I need the decisions to be temporary…until such a time I am addressed and included. Until such a time we work together on it. It is the finality of the decisions, without my input, that is so frightening. Thank you for helping me reach that in a meaningful way.

ps...how do I give you rep?

 

[the state i am in]

you have to share your Fi to get us to share what our Fe is taking in, and then we need an honest discussion on your subjective story of experience, the foundation of the Fi values that help navigate the possibilities of the moment, and also a sense of being situated in that moment. it needs to become more real to us. we need to get at it from the inside, to see what your possibilities are, in order to understand the unfolding story from the interior.

i also don't think we make these overly final decisions. we just don't know what to do, so then we get avoidant. i think both sides have a tendency to be avoidant but for very different reasons. doorslam isn't final moral judgment, it's avoidance. if we have a moral judgment attached, it's because we can not alleviate our feelings, anxieties, concerns, expectations, painful disillusionments. but much of that is in service of our own egos and we can see this better when we realize our typology, our map of how things should be represented on our symbolic system, doesn't really fit the experience of others, that we are not accounting for the key differences as well as we think we are. that sense of error opens up the possibility to look at/examine our own distortions and incompletenesses (after all, our version of typological thinking, of representations/symbols, of conceptual structure is based on compressing all the world's information into a hierarchically compact, symbolic form) much more freely.

it's still missing a piece. we're not making the decision really on behalf of you, we're making it based on our form of ethics. so we're deciding to meet our own ethical needs, not to meet your actual needs. but our ethical system is based on ecological validity rather than internal validity, so we are focused on what we think is ecologically right for you, and at times that can diminish your experience. the tj types might be better at just doing it and then negotiating. their sense of what is not true is more directly informative and visible to you, whereas Fe might be more of a contrastive faith in different methodologies. 4s, 5s, and 9s also tend to withdraw when overwhelmed, which can have a strongly contrary effect to what would be best for them, to instead connect, share, act, disclose, be open, assert desires and intentions, etc. this last one is the most difficult for me, which creates layers and layers of uncertainty in the interaction for both parties. i am working very hard to solve this, but it's not easy; a lifetime of bad habits and good reasons why the system works the way it does.

i agree maybe a little more with some of the T women critiquing the relationship approaches toward inxx e5 males that babying them can be destructive to the babyer. but i also think i fairly/rightly see equally avoidant tendencies with e5s and e7s on both sides that demand solutions in order for it to work. it's the avoidance that undermines the growth potential and allows for the same old coping mechanisms to prevent the necessary WORK from being done.

 

[Vasilisa]

i also don't think we make these overly final decisions. we just don't know what to do, so then we get avoidant. i think both sides have a tendency to be avoidant but for very different reasons. doorslam isn't final moral judgment, it's avoidance. if we have a moral judgment attached, it's because we can not alleviate our feelings, anxieties, concerns, expectations, painful disillusionments. but much of that is in service of our own egos and we can see this better when we realize our typology, our map of how things should be represented on our symbolic system, doesn't really fit the experience of others, that we are not accounting for the key differences as well as we think we are. that sense of error opens up the possibility to look at/examine our own distortions and incompletenesses (after all, our version of typological thinking, of representations/symbols, of conceptual structure is based on compressing all the world's information into a hierarchically compact, symbolic form) much more freely.

it's still missing a piece. we're not making the decision really on behalf of you, we're making it based on our form of ethics. so we're deciding to meet our own ethical needs, not to meet your actual needs. but our ethical system is based on ecological validity rather than internal validity, so we are focused on what we think is ecologically right for you, and at times that can diminish your experience. the tj types might be better at just doing it and then negotiating. their sense of what is not true is more directly informative and visible to you, whereas Fe might be more of a contrastive faith in different methodologies. 4s, 5s, and 9s also tend to withdraw when overwhelmed, which can have a strongly contrary effect to what would be best for them, to instead connect, share, act, disclose, be open, assert desires and intentions, etc. this last one is the most difficult for me, which creates layers and layers of uncertainty in the interaction for both parties. i am working very hard to solve this, but it's not easy; a lifetime of bad habits and good reasons why the system works the way it does.

I am happy to read what the state i am in is saying right here. Because it articulates so well the underpinning of some doorslamming that I have initiated. I have ruminated on the ethics of doorslamming before, but it was figurative, and never so clear. Thank you, the state i am in.

I listened to a discussion about Britain's nuclear armed submarines and how inside each there is a safe, and inside that safe is another safe, and inside that safe is an envelope, and inside that a handwritten letter from the PM giving the order to carry out or not carry out a retaliatory nuclear strike if Britain is annihilated. And someone asked what was the purpose of this. And someone speculated that it allows two conflicting truths to exist at the same time.

So I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.​

​

 

[Starry]

So I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.

I am trying to locate what lives between these two contradictions if anything. Because I am convinced that is where my INFJ experience exists. Something that resembles...

I am so devoted and love so completely. And I have this sinking feeling that you could…just maybe you might…be able to fulfill that in-kind. But you know what that means don’t you? That means I must step-out onto what the-state-i-am-in calls a shared stage and exist with you in the present. I must step-out of who I am…who I am so thoroughly convinced I am and also become who YOU think I am. And I am not so sure I will want to see myself through your eyes. No...I know I don't. I won't be able to control what you see very well.

And I will need to dance with you on a stage where I will step on your feet and where you will step on mine and I do not know which will be more painful. I will disappoint you and you will disappoint me because on this plain we aren’t completely the idealized versions of us that exist in my head and I don’t want to learn that. We become very human in a space where I will have to react and respond to you in the moment. And in those moments I might not represent myself in a way that is reflective of who I am or worse…in a way that IS reflective of who I am but I wish to keep hidden. Even to myself.

And once a mistake is made there is no going back. Because these moments are permanent scars on our history and cannot be undone. There is no rebirth. Time is not flowing forward and magically repairing the past as we do better. The energy of a mistake is not biodegradable. An error is forever. No…you know…I really can live without you. Without this. And because of this I am going to meet my own ethical needs – not yours. You see we have no shared needs. And in this way I am focusing on what is ecologically right for you. And I will create these truths. I love you. I will not let you love me. Your love is not big enough. I can live without you.

 

[uumlau]

W/r to state and Vasilisa and StarryKnights,

I suspect that Ni plays a huge role in "doorslamming" and filtering contacts with people. Ni tends to create proxies in our heads that stand for the real things. The problem is that the proxies are always slightly wrong, and sometimes very wrong. INFJs make the same mistakes as INTJs, they just are more diplomatic and emotional aware as they do so.

The paradox elucidated by Vasilisa and explicated by StarryKnights is stunning and revealing. The paradox implies that one is thinking about things wrong, but the solution evades reason (never mind logic).

Ni is very risk-avoidant, much more so than Ni users will usually admit. Thus INFJs and INTJs trade one set of problems (risking that one might be wrong) for another (taking no action or avoiding risk such that nothing is gained).

Love entails risk. Period. If one would avoid that risk ... well, let me quote Kahlil Gibran:

But if in your fear, you would only seek love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

 

[Vasilisa]

W/r to state and Vasilisa and StarryKnights,

I suspect that Ni plays a huge role in "doorslamming" and filtering contacts with people. Ni tends to create proxies in our heads that stand for the real things. The problem is that the proxies are always slightly wrong, and sometimes very wrong. INFJs make the same mistakes as INTJs, they just are more diplomatic and emotional aware as they do so.

The paradox elucidated by Vasilisa and explicated by StarryKnights is stunning and revealing. The paradox implies that one is thinking about things wrong, but the solution evades reason (never mind logic).

Ni is very risk-avoidant, much more so than Ni users will usually admit. Thus INFJs and INTJs trade one set of problems (risking that one might be wrong) for another (taking no action or avoiding risk such that nothing is gained).

Here we go again.

Should I reply? I am risk averse and think wrong. hmmm...

 

[Vasilisa]

What can we call this behavior?? can I just use the same list of questions I just asked?

Whatever it is.. It stinks..

I would call it betrayal. And I find it sickening.



edit:

I was relating to feelings described in a post due to a personal experience where I cut ties with a friend after she cruelly betrayed me in a hostile workplace, with agonizing consequences for me emotionally and professionally. I feel compassion for those whose honest trust gets betrayed.

 

[Starry]

Here we go again.

Should I reply? I am risk averse and think wrong. hmmm...

Oh Vasilisa. I honestly did not wish to imply that you or even most INFJs were risk-avoidant. And I certainly did not wish to start a ‘here we go again’ kind of thing with regards to the doorslamming thread. In fact, while it is true that I was doorslammed…and hard. I am no longer in that place with my INFJ. I now find myself in a new place. A place where the door is open just a hair. And sometimes my INFJ will look through at me…trying to ascertain what is true/safe and what is not true/safe about me. But there is still a whole bunch of heavy furniture in front of the door…and quite a few of those chain-link gadgets on the door. Hence, I have been calling it ‘my (keyword my) INFJ experience’. And the only two people that exist within ‘my INFJ experience’ are me and my INFJ.

The only reason I posted all of this here is in case someone else may get something out of it. Still, the story only applies to 2 people on this planet. And I promise you. As unbelievable as it may sound. Let me assure you I am not making up stories here. There really is an INFJ on this planet…currently in existence today…that is very, very risk-avoidant. And sometimes he is even wrong in his thinking. LOL.

And uumlau. I almost spontaneously combusted when I saw Gibran’s quote. I am still having a slight hyperventilation episode. That very quote is EXACTLY what I have been reciting to myself over and over again for months now. When I doubt myself for loving the way I do. For living the way I do. For wondering why I am so stupid to take risks and expose who I am to another person…only to be hurt. In those moments when I want so badly to be a person that doesn’t do that. When I think there is no reason to set oneself up for that kind of pain. But then I will remember and recite that quote to myself. And that quote brings me back home.

 

[uumlau]

Here we go again.

Should I reply? I am risk averse and think wrong. hmmm...

Like StarryKnights, I'm not trying to imply that any particular person is especially risk-averse, and certainly not to bring up the doorslamming thread again, but rather describing the role of Ni. Recall that we share being Ni doms. In recent years, I've been striving to become less risk-averse. The trick for Ni is that the stories we tell ourselves aren't quite true, and the only way for us to learn which parts are true or not is to take the risk and see for ourselves.

Dancing, for me, helped a lot. Realizing that asking someone to dance wasn't about what they thought of me, but rather about what I thought of myself and whether I'd go and see if I might have a fun dance with them.

And to StarryKnights, too. The reason love works the way it does is that there is no other way to motivate people to do something so profoundly right, but yet so imprudent or even irrational.

 

[Starry]

Like StarryKnights, I'm not trying to imply that any particular person is especially risk-averse, and certainly not to bring up the doorslamming thread again, but rather describing the role of Ni. Recall that we share being Ni doms. In recent years, I've been striving to become less risk-averse. The trick for Ni is that the stories we tell ourselves aren't quite true, and the only way for us to learn which parts are true or not is to take the risk and see for ourselves.

Dancing, for me, helped a lot. Realizing that asking someone to dance wasn't about what they thought of me, but rather about what I thought of myself and whether I'd go and see if I might have a fun dance with them.

And to StarryKnights, too. The reason love works the way it does is that there is no other way to motivate people to do something so profoundly right, but yet so imprudent or even irrational.

This was one of the most beautiful things I have read on this site. And I am signing up for dance lessons. Seriously. I think that is exactly what I need in my life right now.

 

[Vasilisa]

StarryKnights, please don't be worried. I apologize for saying here we go again. I know no one is speaking about me, except me, and these discussions exist as a chance to share and perhaps gain insight and consider habits and thinking in different, more conscious ways.

I was joking because there is just something so recursive about the idea of giving my perceptions of my perceptions, you know. Or the hangups that cause me to feel hung up which cause me to feel hung up. Or pehaps its more like infinite regression. Maybe you can understand. Surely, its this way for all types. Sometimes it feels like being in one of those recursive photographs

eta: I feel you, ummlau Its so true about taking the chance. I put my heart at enormous risk to love and went through intense pain, but all said, I consider it probably the greatest privilege of my life.

Here is a quote in kind:

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.

Jonathan Safran Foer​

 

[the state i am in]

i think we need to keep in mind the risk-avoidant nature of head types in general. e5 and w5 are certainly risk-avoidant, i think, in obvious and recognizable ways (overwhelm and incapability being but two). e7 is not so obvious, but anyone who's had an e7 close, who knows the e7 panic attack, who knows the huge flee impulse, i mean it's risk avoidant just by finding other behaviors and the way that it only catches up to you when you can't run anymore and instead have to accept everything in order to truly fall asleep/rest.

i think it's really hard to see what the kind of risk-economy looks like in the e5-e7 exchange. you may risk more in the moment, in terms of actual experience, but any negative situation we dwell on endlessly. it locks us into a prison cell that we do not know how to get out of. it replaces the real, and we rehearse it endlessly (okay maybe we both do this). but when we do, it takes us out o the little bit of experience we were able to get into (flow with) in the first place. it becomes this awful domino destruction and we don't know how to halt it without withdrawing and suffering our own emotional/anxiety aftershocks on our own. 5w4 and 4w5 are already so fucking sensitive in terms of interpreting themselves as DESTINED for this kind of disappointment. it's the e4 and w4.

not to make excuses, just to say that there is always more truth that is not being seen from one side of the story. and from a Ti perspective, both sides are full of falsity as well, and harboring many (potentially) destructive illusions.

umlau, understanding dancing in terms of your story is great. i empathize enough to respect the risk you've taken, because i feel it in my own life all the way down to my bones. i have very little experience dancing, but a girl who once wisked me away (quite literally), well, just remember how freeing, how awkward, how truly FINALLY enthused/liberated i felt in that moment!

i don't know, starryknights, how to bridge the acceptance gap. i do it easier with entps than enfps (probably much like you do with intjs over infjs), but i don't immediately mean to suggest that it is better. both sides have to be able to stand apart (i feel like matching the gibran quotes about the pillars, but do not drink from the same cup, etc). you need your truth apart from the truth of the other, and more accurately, apart from the fluctuations and disturbances of the other. faith in the truth you have to give, to me, is the most attractive thing about Fi. it makes a different quality/kind of love possible. not just compassion but faith. to find a way to balance the infj need to be on the same page and the enfp need to be accepted on her own individual page, yes, of course, it's an ongoing mystery we are inching closer towards.

the other thing tho is to recognize what are interactional mistakes and what are real, more long-term issues. i'm terrible at openings and closings. as i've said, i'm terrible at public performance, at initiating smoothly scaled interactino from the social to the sexual, or the intimate, whilst the social continues, while that must still be monitored and responded to. those are interactional deficits that will continue, but, at the same time, many of my long-term core of me especially under stress conditions are dissolving/dissipating. you sound like you are both running into those, and your desire to continue to work on the relationship with your infj is also your desire to work on yourself. and while the relationship is improving, you are improving all the more. the relationship may never fully release these issues, but you through the relationship may. and you will be so much better off, while still keeping the care and compassion that initiated the whole story (of your growth).

finally, the purity of your intent is one thing. he may have great and pure intentions as well. trust in that is only part of the story. the other part is trust in yourself, sympathy with yourself, acceptance of yourself. that allows you to not be edward scissorhands. that protects you from your own sharpness, from the destructiveness that you were mostly born with and have used to build your own ego into a foundation to differentiate, to build a sense of you. but to at the same time begin to move beyond it is what opens up the possibility of real risk, of real trust. esp from the infj side. you trust that you will be able to do right even when you are cut, hurt, slighted, injured, etc.

ok, last thing: i'm claiming gibran as an infj 5w4 sx/sp. just saying.