[ISFJ] ISFJs, frequently confused with being a snob?

[WildCard]

Myself and a few buddies were drinking when one of them blurted out that I was very subtle with my emotions, stating that a lot of people who didn't know me probably thought I was a snob.

I guess they're right. I'm not a fan of displaying a lot of emotions, especially around those who are not immediate family.

Could just be an insecurity of mine.

Anyone else have thoughts?

 

[Moiety]

I wouldn't call any ISFJ I've known snobbish. I'd call them uptight maybe, but not snobbish.

 

[Epiphany]

The only ISFJ I know for sure does come acrossed as a snob. I think he truly is one.

 

[BlackCat]

The only ISFJ I know for sure does come acrossed as a snob. I think he truly is one.

Same. I had the guy as a superior too... sucked. The other ISFJs I have known seem to have had a superiority complex with how they view issues. So yeah, snobbish or uptight vibe in general.

EDIT: Another thought is that the ISFJs I've actually gotten close to haven't acted this way toward me. So maybe their social in group isn't treated like that, or they hold that part of themselves back? I've noticed the discrepancies too... (also with INFJs, but in a different way)

 

[tinker683]

I can be, definitely, particularly when it's about a subject or thing that I feel very strongly about it. Our arrogance is not the showy, cocky kind like a rock star or a corporate executive... but the cold, condescending glare of the director or teacher.

Usually someone though calls me on my bullshit or when I'm acting like a jackass so it balances out.

 

[proximo]

I've noticed that ISxJ's generally tend to do the whole thing where you divide humanity into "people I trust/respect" and "people I don't". The first group sees the real you, the emotions, the real opinions and all that, whilst the second just gets the receptionist, if you know what I mean?

 

[Condor]

I've noticed that ISxJ's generally tend to do the whole thing where you divide humanity into "people I trust/respect" and "people I don't". The first group sees the real you, the emotions, the real opinions and all that, whilst the second just gets the receptionist, if you know what I mean?

I do this, and the peolpe in the second category FAR outweigh the people in the first category. Even with the peolpe I do interract with (category 1) I still don't easily share things/thoughts with. With regard to being a snob, people mistake the fact that I'm not interested with them or don't "connect" with them that I'm better than them. It's their perception and bless them for having it. It's interesting how this can be thought of, as in the OP, as a possible insecurity. I think it's a sign of a secure personality.

 

[Moiety]

You think not being interested in people or not connecting with them is a sign of a secure personality?

 

[Thalassa]

I know a snobby ISFJ, but he's mainly snobby about aesthetic things, and in reality I wouldn't consider him any worse than me.

INTJs are much worse.

 

[Condor]

You think not being interested in people or not connecting with them is a sign of a secure personality?

I see not needing to be interested in them or connecting with them to validate one's self as such, yes.

 

[proximo]

I do this, and the peolpe in the second category FAR outweigh the people in the first category. Even with the peolpe I do interract with (category 1) I still don't easily share things/thoughts with. With regard to being a snob, people mistake the fact that I'm not interested with them or don't "connect" with them that I'm better than them. It's their perception and bless them for having it. It's interesting how this can be thought of, as in the OP, as a possible insecurity. I think it's a sign of a secure personality.

Yeah it's obviously one way of doing it, if it works for you then people shouldn't have a problem with it, so long as they realise that's the situation; then again, it took me a while to understand this though, with the ISxJ's I deal with, because it's quite alien to my way of doing things. By contrast, I tend to be quite open and I give pretty much everyone who hasn't already given me concrete and ample reason not to, a level of trust, wherein I assume they're basically decent, mean no harm, generally honest but probably weak-willed, as most people are, which is the most likely thing to undermine some of their good intentions. I respect them as human beings with feelings, needs, rights and thoughts of their own, regardless of what they do, simply because if I'd like to be treated with respect myself, despite knowing I'm riddled with flaws and failings, then I can't go withdrawing that courtesy from others just cos they showed they have flaws too...

I'm quite acutely aware, usually, that a person might be feeling uncomfortable because I'm being aloof towards them, though they've done me no harm and don't deserve this treatment, so I can't help but loosen up and be a bit more uh, welcoming (if that's the word - warm, maybe?) toward them.

I'm not a mug, by any means. I'm not saying I give my bank details to anyone that just hasn't done me any harm (yet?)... I'm just saying that for me, as a person who considers treating people with respect and being generally accommodating, to be a thing that comes from my own self-respect, it was quite difficult to get my head around the way of thinking you describe, and to stop seeing it as a sign of a negative and self-righteous person.

 

[kay2222]

I've noticed that ISxJ's generally tend to do the whole thing where you divide humanity into "people I trust/respect" and "people I don't". The first group sees the real you, the emotions, the real opinions and all that, whilst the second just gets the receptionist, if you know what I mean?

I am an ISTJ and I agree with this. I tend to keep interactions and conversations superficial with people I don't respect or know that I can fully trust.

 

[highlander]

Myself and a few buddies were drinking when one of them blurted out that I was very subtle with my emotions, stating that a lot of people who didn't know me probably thought I was a snob.

I guess they're right. I'm not a fan of displaying a lot of emotions, especially around those who are not immediate family.

Could just be an insecurity of mine.

Anyone else have thoughts?

One of my best friends in college said a similar thing about me. He said I seemed aloof and arrogant before he got to know me. I think this may have to do with being IXXJ but not sure. What I found is that when you express emotions you bring people closer to you. Maybe smile more too. It's just less natural for some of us than others to do these things with people we don't know.

 

[AutumnReverie]

I've noticed that ISxJ's generally tend to do the whole thing where you divide humanity into "people I trust/respect" and "people I don't". The first group sees the real you, the emotions, the real opinions and all that, whilst the second just gets the receptionist, if you know what I mean?

I agree.

I do this, and the peolpe in the second category FAR outweigh the people in the first category. Even with the peolpe I do interract with (category 1) I still don't easily share things/thoughts with.

YES. I'm just a reserved person and even I do trust someone, I don't feel the need to be open with them about everything that's going in my life or every thought in my mind. If it pertains to them, sure. If I think it's something they would want to know and I don't mind sharing, okay. If they ask me specifically about it, then I'll answer.

But I guess when one is reluctant or uncomfortable with showing "the real them" (their emotions, their real opinions, etc) it can be seen as either insecurity: fear that other people won't like "the real them" -- or arrogance: feeling that these people are entitled to see "the real them".

One of my good ExFP friends told me that when he first met me he thought I was a snob because, in his opinion, I had kept to myself most of the night and was quiet/reserved. Obviously, now that he's gotten to know me he said that he's changed his mind and knows that I'm not a snob at all but rather I just take awhile to warm up to people and I'm naturally private.

Ironically, that night I actually tried to be social. I introduced myself to about 5 different people and, that following weekend, even invited two of those new people to go to a movie. It's interesting that what I consider "being social" can be seen by someone else as "keeping to myself".

What I found is that when you express emotions you bring people closer to you. Maybe smile more too. It's just less natural for some of us than others to do these things with people we don't know.

I used to get told all the time, by strangers, that I should smile (and, by the way, I hate people telling me to smile) ...and I just didn't get why they were telling me that. I told them that I would smile if someone did or said something that I found funny, but otherwise...it just seemed odd to smile for no reason.

However, this past year I've made a concentrated effort to become more "sociable" and since I've started trying, I haven't had anyone tell me to smile in a very long time. It's become more natural to smile now all the time (i.e. the laughing smile, the sympathetic smile, the "hello" smile, the i-don't-want-to-answer-that smile, the smile of disbelief, etc.).

 

[highlander]

I've noticed that ISxJ's generally tend to do the whole thing where you divide humanity into "people I trust/respect" and "people I don't". The first group sees the real you, the emotions, the real opinions and all that, whilst the second just gets the receptionist, if you know what I mean?

Don't know how I missed this before. That's funny

 

[IZthe411]

I've noticed that ISxJ's generally tend to do the whole thing where you divide humanity into "people I trust/respect" and "people I don't". The first group sees the real you, the emotions, the real opinions and all that, whilst the second just gets the receptionist, if you know what I mean?

That trait is found in all IXXJs. If you think about it, their dominant is internal and subjective perception. If you aren't with them, you're against them. The more inflated their perception of themselves the worse it is. I know IJ types of all 4 who act this way, or who appear to be this way.


More often it's the onlooker's perception, though.

 

[highlander]

That trait is found in all IXXJs. If you think about it, their dominant is internal and subjective perception. If you aren't with them, you're against them. The more inflated their perception of themselves the worse it is. I know IJ types of all 4 who act this way, or who appear to be this way.


More often it's the onlooker's perception, though.

What resonated for me here is something, in particular, I've seen with ISFJs. The receptionist analogy is a good one. Receptionists are supposed to be nice, charming, pay attention to you, helpful, smile - generally just all sweet and nice. You would think they agree with everything you said. We all act differently with those we know well vs. those we don't but I've noticed this dichotomy in particular with ISFJs. When you get to know them better, which might take a while, you understand how they really feel about things.

 

[miss fortune]

my mom was horrified when she went back to her 20th class reunion and classmates told her that they'd always thought that she was a snob because she was quiet, studious, had a close group of friends and perfect posture... she had to explain that she didn't talk to them because she was afraid to talk to people she wasn't comfortable with at that age

 

[IZthe411]

What resonated for me here is something, in particular, I've seen with ISFJs. The receptionist analogy is a good one. Receptionists are supposed to be nice, charming, pay attention to you, helpful, smile - generally just all sweet and nice. You would think they agree with everything you said. We all act differently with those we know well vs. those we don't but I've noticed this dichotomy in particular with ISFJs. When you get to know them better, which might take a while, you understand how they really feel about things.

Yeah that is true LOL I guess I got the receptionist analogy but didn't really get it. Nice.
Impersonal Fe at it's best- which is more snobbish appearing over an indifferent/unassuming Te aux.

 

[Giggly]

What resonated for me here is something, in particular, I've seen with ISFJs. The receptionist analogy is a good one. Receptionists are supposed to be nice, charming, pay attention to you, helpful, smile - generally just all sweet and nice. You would think they agree with everything you said. We all act differently with those we know well vs. those we don't but I've noticed this dichotomy in particular with ISFJs. When you get to know them better, which might take a while, you understand how they really feel about things.

Outside of an environment where I'd have to do this (work), I would not/do not do this. I have trouble being fake to people. If I don't like someone I won't smile and pretend to be polite to them, I will just avoid them. I hate conflict and try to avoid it at all costs but I will have it if there is no other choice. The thought of being nice to someone I don't like makes me want to vomit. Doing so would create a serious conflict within me, but that could be because I have high Fe and Fi.

In person I have never been accused of being fake because my personality and openness are obvious, but online people sometimes accuse me of being fake nice because I am short and polite. This is mostly due to feeling awkward with online and written communication rather than not liking someone. It feels distant and I feel a small disconnect because of it.