[NF] Do you regret opening up to people?

[Saslou]

I find it pretty easy to withhold from people in general, a learned response. If i do open up, i don't regret it though as it means i trust you and trust is important to me.

 

[Unkindloving]

Could you go a little bit deeper about the ENFJ ability to soak up "dirt"? It's nothing against him, of course, it wasn't his fault and I dont blame him for not having anything to say. That doesn't make it any less annoying or me feel any less embarrassed for doing it in the first place.

I wonder if what you say is true about the "your turn" situation. I do try to advise and listen.

Ah. So he was a culprit.
Well the first bit is regarding ENFJ ability to do damage to other people. For some reason, we're very good at utilizing our person-specific knowledge to get the hooks into someone and obliterate them when threatened. I hear of ESFJs trying to do this, but falling short much of the time. I don't know if you view your ENFJ as possessing this ability. I know you've mentioned him being sorta out of touch with his Fe or something along those lines ?

The latter could be that he has nothing to say, that he cannot advise, or a third option. (Oh jeez, I just stole my ENFPs phrase of 'third option' ).
Third option is needing to properly organize and word thoughts in order to respond. Also needing to be genuine about them, instead of coming across with the 'fake' (or generic) side of Fe. Personally, I find it difficult to respond to some people on important things until I can genuinely tune into their situation and give it the proper attention. Generic Fe gives a damn, but it isn't finetuned for friendships. I'd also say there's a perfectionist complex when it comes to how we advise and when we're unable, we may just refuse.

Side example- my Zumba instructor's brother passed away last week. I didn't leave any comment to her about it, because I felt I needed to genuinely tune in and say more than the basic. I currently feel that I should say something just because it is normal, regardless of being tuned in. Etc.

 

[Malkavia]

Ah. So he was a culprit.
Well the first bit is regarding ENFJ ability to do damage to other people. For some reason, we're very good at utilizing our person-specific knowledge to get the hooks into someone and obliterate them when threatened. I hear of ESFJs trying to do this, but falling short much of the time. I don't know if you view your ENFJ as possessing this ability. I know you've mentioned him being sorta out of touch with his Fe or something along those lines ?

The latter could be that he has nothing to say, that he cannot advise, or a third option. (Oh jeez, I just stole my ENFPs phrase of 'third option' ).
Third option is needing to properly organize and word thoughts in order to respond. Also needing to be genuine about them, instead of coming across with the 'fake' (or generic) side of Fe. Personally, I find it difficult to respond to some people on important things until I can genuinely tune into their situation and give it the proper attention. Generic Fe gives a damn, but it isn't finetuned for friendships. I'd also say there's a perfectionist complex when it comes to how we advise and when we're unable, we may just refuse.

Side example- my Zumba instructor's brother passed away last week. I didn't leave any comment to her about it, because I felt I needed to genuinely tune in and say more than the basic. I currently feel that I should say something just because it is normal, regardless of being tuned in. Etc.

Ah I understand. While I think he "could" do this I dont think he would use all this information to obliterate me one day. I honestly believe most ENFJs would never do that.

I'm going with option 2 or 3. The annoyance comes from with them having nothing to say therefore I felt like I was wasting everyone's time, more than I'm afraid it will come back to bite me in the ass. (That feeling happened with the second situation, who happens to be a female ENFJ, ironically.

I know you've mentioned him being sorta out of touch with his Fe or something along those lines ?

Who knows whats up him. Hes crazy. Love him though.

 

[Unkindloving]

Ah I understand. While I think he "could" do this I dont think he would use all this information to obliterate me one day. I honestly believe most ENFJs would never do that.

Bad :smacks your hand:. Do not let the fluffy exterior fool you. It's our trickery that we aren't even aware of!
It is good to hear that your consider yours to be in check though . How long have you been friends? I have a feeling we've been over this, but it's been a while.

I'm going with option 2 or 3. The annoyance comes from with them having nothing to say therefore I felt like I was wasting everyone's time, more than I'm afraid it will come back to bite me in the ass. (That feeling happened with the second situation, who happens to be a female ENFJ, ironically.

Fiesty critters, those lady-enfjs. Oh look over there! A special, distracting thing!
I am actually surprised you got these reactions from ENFJs, even with my potential explanation.

Who knows whats up him. Hes crazy. Love him though.

D'aw. Bro hugs? lol

 

[Malkavia]

Bad :smacks your hand:. Do not let the fluffy exterior fool you. It's our trickery that we aren't even aware of!
It is good to hear that your consider yours to be in check though . How long have you been friends? I have a feeling we've been over this, but it's been a while.

Fiesty critters, those lady-enfjs. Oh look over there! A special, distracting thing!
I am actually surprised you got these reactions from ENFJs, even with my potential explanation.

D'aw. Bro hugs? lol

Been friends for fours years now, we're rooming together during our last year of college.

The female ENFJ just called him slow today when it comes to people . I consider that a bit harsh, but yeah he can be pretty oblivious to people's emotions and the more subtle parts of people.

It has been a while since we've talked about my fascination to ENFJs.

I still stand by what I said. The few (three) ENFJs that I've known aren't the type to explode and throw everything they know about you in your face. If it DID happen the ones I know would feel absolutely horrible about it soon afterwards. The two girl ENFJs that I know can be feisty, but good hearted and well intentioned.

 

[skylights]

It's as much not wanting people to be able to pinpoint us in our weakest moments/weakest states and us not accepting ourselves when we are less than perfect. I think emotional outbursts are very ugly and messy

i feel slightly embarrassed afterwards, sometimes, especially if i don't really get to explain myself fully. that's part of the ENFP Te steamroller for me. must explain myself so i don't look horrible to the other person. i'm kind of scary when i get angry or angsty.

okay. really scary. :blushing:

Part of me would be proud of anyone who could really dig in there and honestly affect me, instead of constantly missing the mark.

ENFJs! this is so funny to me because, if most ENFJs are anything like the ENFJ i know well, you are very tricky to get to know on a deep level and you don't show your insecurities quickly. or sometimes you do show them a bit, but you do it in a very veiled way that most people aren't likely to pick up on. it's entertaining, but totally unsurprising to hear this, because i can totally see how it would happen.

i feel like i'm playing a key-and-lock game when my ENFJ friend starts expressing the tip of the iceberg about some worry she has. it's like i have to pick up on the right thing, and if i do, then she feels comfortable saying more. i used to get frustrated and wish she'd just go ahead and tell me, but i get the sense that it's a security thing. like she wants to make sure i'm on the right track in understanding her before she reveals her deep-seated worries to me. sometimes i'll miss the mark right off the bat but then i just ask a few questions and she'll start letting me in. it's a very interesting process, though i know she tends to bottle up stress and worry, and i think it could be hard on her if there's no one around who understands it.

For some reason, we're very good at utilizing our person-specific knowledge to get the hooks into someone and obliterate them when threatened.

The few (three) ENFJs that I've known aren't the type to explode and throw everything they know about you in your face.

i think this is true too, but have you ever pushed one really far? like, really, really far? like as in giant ENFP Te attack far? that's when i've gotten ENFJ attacked back. they're good. i need about 50 words to do the sort of destruction an ENFJ can do in 15. ime, ENFJ-ENFP fight is not pretty... uch:

though, i have to point out, that this ENFJ friend is the one i trust to completely open up to. after we had one really bad tussle and kind of both felt like assholes about it we talked about what happened and realized that we act exactly opposite under stress and were freaking each other out. now that we know that, it's easier to catch one another, and ourselves, before we get too far.

anyway, back to the thread title... only when it's negative. i don't mind positive sharing, but when i have to explain something deep because i made someone angry or hurt them, that's uncomfortable and i just want to pretend it never happened.

 

[Salomé]

I regret it every time I do it.

That doesn't sound like you...

I can't say I do really. Not since I was a kid.
It can suck to make yourself vulnerable to someone and fail to get an appropriate response. But even that failure is useful information to refine your estimation of the relationship. So, no. No regrets.

 

[TacEight]

I've not been manipulated too much in my life, and I usually see through it beforehand anyhow, but I've almost always felt like an idiot after opening up to others. I still do, and have been told I trust too easily by many. Probably my sx/sp's doing for opening up, and my sx/sp's doing for expressing myself and then feeling like an idiot, lol.

 

[Synapse]

Nah, of course I've been a bit of a closed book most of my life so me opening up is something I very rarely do. However when I do depends on the emotional guidance system and where I am at in regards to my loops.

There are a few considerations.

What do you call good quality opening up and what do you call bad quality opening up?

In negative energy states opening up is different than in positive energy states.

In negatives I would be taking energy and stressing people out with the energy and then that would be awkward. Then in positive energy states I would be happy to open up without fear, guilt or apprehension that it is a regrettable thing to do. Because I know that I expressed how I wanted to without taking energy away, feeling awkward or vulnerable. Why should I if I trust the other person to open up to. People have a strange way of being afraid of communicating one way or the other so who knows.

And hence no, I don't regret opening up when I do it. The thing that I have regretted is being in a negative energy state that became overwhelming and unwanted and I became oblivious to it and continued to express the emotional scale in the loop that had me tender hook and straw. That would be draining and then that would be selfish.

 

[Queen Kat]

Always. People never stop making strange conclusions out of the things I say and whenever they jump to these ridiculous conclusions, they tell them to other people. Okay, what the fuck? So when I tell you I like someone, the thing I actually want to say is that I want you to organize a speeddating night with a ton of creepos? What the FUCK? People are sooooooooo weird.

 

[rav3n]

I've not been manipulated too much in my life, and I usually see through it beforehand anyhow, but I've almost always felt like an idiot after opening up to others. I still do, and have been told I trust too easily by many. Probably my sx/sp's doing for opening up, and my sx/sp's doing for expressing myself and then feeling like an idiot, lol.

This stacking is very hot and cold. It seeks intimacy and will connect intensely with others but when feeling threatened will shut down just as quickly, particularly if sp is unhealthy and overinflates the underlying reasons for what it perceives are negative actions from the external source.

 

[cafe]

Almost always regret it. People are rarely very good at making even the ones they love feel accepted and validated, so most of the time I open up, it causes me to remember very clearly why I so rarely do it. I just end up feeling rejected, frustrated, and unappreciated. Better to curl up into my own private little ball and get over stuff on my own, then present my supportive face to the world once again.

 

[Malkavia]

Why is it so hard to simply validate someone though?

 

[rav3n]

Why is it so hard to simply validate someone though?

Why is it so necessary to be externally validated?

 

[Malkavia]

I dont think its necessary. It is nice though.

When you are in a close relationship with someone (platonic or romantic) and you show a piece of yourself, you want them to be able to accept it. It isn't a need, but it is an intense desire. I think it comes from the want to be able to show the ridiculous hot mess that I am and someone say, "thats ok, I still think you're awesome."

 

[FemMecha]

This is an irony that really strikes me. Pain is probably the one thing humanity has most in common, and yet it is the one thing that most isolates us and causes us to misunderstand one another. I think it's because pain has a strong internal focus that tends to project outward. So if you tell someone about your pain, it triggers the memories of their own pain, and they warp and judge what has been said into the context of their own fears.

I'm cautious about opening up, but do see a reason to have personal honesty and openness along with mutual validation of one's pain and humanity. I think it can be important to share painful experiences because the more it triggers empathy and understanding of another perspective instead of that intense inner fear, judgment and prejudice, the more enlightened and able to solve problems humanity becomes.

I have also noticed that most everyone has what I would call a "sympathy debt", and until that is acknowledged, until they are validated for the difficulties they have faced, it is difficult for that person to be able to respond in empathy to another person's pain. When opening up I try to watch for any validation the person needs first and fill that or my own words can end up lost behind the wall of their own defensiveness.

I regret opening up when the reaction is one of distorted comprehension and judgment. It is especially bad if I have barely opened up and a person comes at me with a judgment and distorted concept of what is going on. It actually scares me a little if I can tell that they are reacting to me as though I am someone from their past who hurt them because that can cause a thick blindness. That leaves me with a reinforced sense of existential isolation and that strange, impenetrable irony that what we share most, pain, keeps us most distant from each other.

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Never.

 

[Moiety]

I don't think I have any such regret....but I am sometimes afraid of how well the message has been interpreted by the listener. I fear people might misconstrue the relative strength of what I shared and also its implications.

 

[Oaky]

I have done things in my past that causes me to cringe that I myself would do such a thing... Many have involved me opening up.

 

[JocktheMotie]

That doesn't sound like you...

I can't say I do really. Not since I was a kid.
It can suck to make yourself vulnerable to someone and fail to get an appropriate response. But even that failure is useful information to refine your estimation of the relationship. So, no. No regrets.

My memory escapes me, as to how I've answered this question before, so perhaps I am being inconsistent. I'm generally forthcoming with more personal details than others would feel safe enough to expose, but that to me, is not opening up. I dislike giving others certain knowledge or influence over me, so I tend not to do that often or easily. "Opening up" is giving someone the ability to push me in a direction. I always grow to resent those whom I give this ability to. I'd rather not resent the ones I love. Seems counter-intuitive.