[MBTI General] Stuck? Befuddled? Betwixt? Confounded? Halla will Help You...

[Halla74]

I misplaced this in your blog thread.

Hey Halla. :hi:

Hi there!

How does one figure out their best (healthiest) shape - the one that is attainable and maintainable once one gets the science of it down? Especially when one gains mass easily in general (muscle or fat) - good for muscle gains, but not as helpful for leaning out... I don't mean specifically the leanest, but the healthiest one in terms of being fit and happy with the way one looks but not counting calories to the point of splitting-hairs forevermore?

Your morphological programming and desired point of equilibrium seem very similar to mine, so hopefully I can offer some helpful tips.

First thing to remember about me: I am lazy with regard to processing "details." Calories are the worst sort of detail there are in my book.

Second thing to remember about me: I use simple rules of thumb translated into behaviors that are easy for me to perform on an on-going basis with regard to maintaining my level of fitness.

Third thing to remember about me: I live and train instincitvely. I have very specific plans for the short range, mid-range, and long-range aspects of my life, but my daily methods of traversing reality are executed with a rough bullet point outline, and the rest figured out on the fly, as too much planning too soon often results in wasted effort when reality reminds you that your plans are not in charge of the universe.

So, with that in mind, I offer the following:

Finding and Maintaining Equilibrium:
(1) Determine what your equilibrium is (e.g. ration of mass to definition), and do whatever you need to in order to get there. This is most likely an assumption, but I am listing it just for the sake of being thorough.

(2) Choose some other means of evaluating your physique other than a scale. For instance, I go by how my clothes fit, and how I look in the mirror, way more than I do by my actual bodyweight.

(3) Eat 5-6 small-medium meals per day.

(4) Never eat a serving of carbohydrates bigger than your fist in one sitting.

(5) With regard to the size of your meals, consider the following: "Eat the breakfast of a king, the lunch of a prince, and the dinner of a pauper." OR, more simply put, Eat larger portions earlier on in the day as you have the rest of the day to burn them off, and decrease your serving sizes as the day passes by. EXAMPLE: I start cutting my carbohydrate consumption at 12:00 PM. I only eat protein and vegetables for dinner.

(6) Limit your sodium intake, and your intake of alcohol. Both bloat you.

(7) French fries or other favorite sin food only once per week at most.

(8) Eat cheese at most once per day. Cottage cheese does not count, as it is all protein and no fat, if you get the light stuff.

(9) Examples of mini-meals include: nuts + banana; protein shake; scrambled eggs + fresh fruit; turkey sandwich, etc.

(10) Drink lots of water. It helps keep you full, and it helps to burn fat.

(11) To make yourself feel full if you are hungry and have been getting proper nutrition, try the following: Eat 1 apple, then drink a glass of water. The water will make the fiber in the apple expand in your stomach and take longer to digest, making you feel full.

(12) Keep up your cardio, and if you can, do your workouts in the morning, as you will spike your metabolism at its lowest point (waking up) and benefit from a slightly increased metabolism the rest of the day due to the early AM kick start.

(13) Be smart about mayonnaise, sodas, sour cream, etc. Don't let condiments blow your nutritional profile.

(14) Eat whole foods, stay away from stuff in cans, boxes, jars, etc. Eat what cavemen ate!

----------------------------

Please let me know if the tips above are the type of advice you were seeking. If you already do most of these things, please let me know which and I'll offer some different info. to try and help you bridge the gap from where you are to where you wish to be.

Cheers,

-Halla

 

[kyuuei]

Dear Halla.

I want my arm size to reflect my strength. I'm a pretty stout person, but not as strong as I could be by any means. I'm currently doing a push-up and sit-up and squat program to increase my strength some, but lifting weights is boring, and (coincidentally enough) requires weights.

I have 5 lb dumbbells, a 2 lb weighted ball and a 1 lb weighted ball. Thats it. So.. do you have any clever exercises or routines I can do to increase my strength without weights? I'd rather do 4-5 maneuvers that work out multiple muscles, than a billion of the same things over and over again..

Sincerely, Kyuuei.

 

[miss fortune]

dear halla-

I have two questions regarding members of your gender!

1. Why do men immediatly revert back to the age of 5 when sick, becoming helpless and whining a lot (and sometimes asking for a "blankie" )?

2. Why do guys seem to adore any meal that might have been served on a school lunch menu? (i.e. salsbury steak with mashed potatoes and corn)

thank you!

sincerely, whatever

 

[Chunes]

Halla,

How can I make myself get up off my dead lazy ass and get to work? Why do I keep sabatoging my own efforts, even for things that I'm pretty sure are extremely important to me?

 

[Halla74]

Dear Halla.
I want my arm size to reflect my strength. I'm a pretty stout person, but not as strong as I could be by any means.

In the words of TypC's very own Domino: "You wish to increase your mightyness!"

QUESTION: Do you wish to increase your ARM strength or your OVERALL strength?

I'm currently doing a push-up and sit-up and squat program to increase my strength some, but lifting weights is boring, and (coincidentally enough) requires weights.

Got it. Push-ups, situps, and squats are all great, but not a complete routine, I agree. Let's add a few exercises that do not require equipment to the list above:

(1) Pull-ups (lats, shoulders)
(2) Chin-ups (Biceps, lats)
(3) Walking lunges (quads, hamstrings, glutes)
(4) Dips (Between two chairs, or other stable and stationary furniture)
(5) Pliometric jump squats (Jump up onto a bench, step down, left, right, repeat until legz are dead. )
(6) Calf raises (Find a staircase, hold onto the rail, using one leg at a time raise yourself up and down while only your toes are on the edge od the step, 25 reps each leg, and the n50 with both feet together.)

I have 5 lb dumbbells, a 2 lb weighted ball and a 1 lb weighted ball. Thats it.

OK, regarding the dumbbells. Could you please tell me what your current use of them is? That will help you conjur up new stuff. There's a myriad of things to choose from, and I don't want to bore you with things you are already doing. With this amount of weight, you can do work that will tone your muscles, but have limited capacity to build additional strength.

Here's some ideas for you to get stronger with stuff you most likely have laying around, and if not, will only cost you a few dollars.

(1) Backpack/Rucksack:
Fill it up with old college textbooks! Then you have a nice block of additional mass you must tote around. Then be creative with it:

(a) Bleachers / Stairs: Just like in the wrestling movies, up and down, up and down, all the way around the stadium. A fantastic leg workout.

(b) Jump Squats: Try them when you are 15-25 pounds heavier. They got harder, didn't they?

(c) Pull-Ups / Chin-ups: A staggering amount of arm strength can be built if you use additional weight in a backpack/rucksack during pull-ups and chin ups.

(d) Push-Ups / Incline Push-ups: Oh yeah, your pectoralis muscles and your triceps will go freaking Kookoo bananas.

(e) Calf Raises: Make those diamonds show off their geometric edges.

(f) Sand Backpack: Fill a Hefty bag with sand. Wrap it up tight. Stuff it in an old backpack. Grab the backpack with both hands, starting from a crouched position (as if you finished a deadlift) and then explosively rise up, pushing with your knees, and then extend your arms upward and push/throw the bag up and away from you. Let it land. Walk over to it. Throw it back! it's a bad little bookbag after all. This kind of mimicks a cleand and press. It is also fun, as you can imagine you are throwing someone you do not like into the air, and maybe even into oncoming traffic.


(2) Boxes of Books!
Find a few different sizes of boxes, from small, to a size that is around two "milk jugs." Duck tape the seams of the boxes VERY tightly. Take Hefty Yard and Leaf garbage bags and drop one in each box so it is a liner for the box. Now, go to Home Depot, and buy a 50 pound bag of sand for $2. Fill your boxes with sand. My, my, my. Now you have a small, a medium, and a slightly larger than medium set of heavy boxes! What to do?

(a) Deadlifts: Keep your back straight, look up and lift a box from the ground. Be sure to have good form. Bend your knees. Look online for exact tips on form as you do not want to hurt your lower back. These are great for spinal erectors, and thighs, and glutes.

(b) Delivery Girl: Setup a table. Walk each of your boxes 25 paces away from your table. Then deliver them to the table. First small, then walk back, then medium, then walk back, then large, then walk back. Move them back delivery girl! Wrong address! REPEAT.

FUN WITH TIRES:
(1) Use an old backpack with good, thick (padded) shoulder straps, and preferably a waist belt with an adjustable buckle. Then, buy some reasonably strong nylon rope, maybe even the stuff with a big tow hook at the ends of it. Then go buy a good size pick-up truck tire. Wrap one end of the rope under the tires and affix the hook to the other end if possible to do it that way, otherwise just get the damn rope on the tire. Finally, attach the rope to the backpack by tying up a wrapped/mesh of several layers of smaller nylon rope, big enough to create a "web" that can serve as a point of attachment for the end of the big rope to wrap/tie around.

(a) Do sprints with the vest, rope, and tire rig hooked up to you. The drag of the tire on the ground is adding resistance that your legs will have to over compensate to nullify, thus increasing the effort for you to run normally. After 3-4 weeks of doing several sets of sprints 2-3 times per week with other leg work, you will be abkle to haul ass once you unhook the gear and hit the track all natural.

(b) Run up hill for more resistance with same tire size, run down hill for less resistance with the same tire size.

(c) Change the tire size to bigger if you are on a flat hill and want more resistance; change the tire to a smaller size if you are on a flat hill and you wish for there to be less resistance.

These resistance movements will build your strength. Strength is a combination of explosive power, and a capacity to exert yourself at close to your maximum capacity for a reasonable amount of time. If you do all the items I listed here, you will be buiklding your overall physical strength and endurance.

Let me know how it works out for you. Good luck!



-Halla

So.. do you have any clever exercises or routines I can do to increase my strength without weights? I'd rather do 4-5 maneuvers that work out multiple muscles, than a billion of the same things over and over again..

Sincerely, Kyuuei.

 

[Halla74]

dear halla-

I have two questions regarding members of your gender!

I have two answers that will be useful to you.

1. Why do men immediatly revert back to the age of 5 when sick, becoming helpless and whining a lot (and sometimes asking for a "blankie" )?

OK, not all men do this. If your man does this, then it is of paramount importance that you do not reward the behavior. Tough love doesn't necessarily require being mean. Get him a can of chicken noodle soup, a tube of "Airborne" and some Nyquil. Kiss him on the forehead, and tell him you'll be back later. That way you expressed the "female nurturing instinct" but didn't
have to endure the "pathetic little spoiled boy" of a patient.

2. Why do guys seem to adore any meal that might have been served on a school lunch menu? (i.e. salsbury steak with mashed potatoes and corn)

Guys (and girls!) whose parents did not (a) expose them to a variety of foods, and (b) did not ingrain a sense of personal responsibility to their children with regard to nutrition are the ones who enjoy white trash foods. But the blame does not lay solely on the parents. Once out of the nest, every person has to rise up and take responsibility for their own life, and their owen health, and if they want to be a fat slob cafeteria food munching couch potato, then that is their choice, but also their responsibility when bad health hits them early in life.

CONCLUSION:
Maybe you are dating the wrong type of guys? Don't date "boys" or "guys" as that is a waste of your time. You need a MAN. Men don't whine like babies when they are sick. They look in the mirror, and scream, and the viruses fly out of their mouths dead into the sink. Then the man gargles with Absolut Citron vodka, eats a bloody steak, and takes you to a movie.

Real men eat the best foods from all the lands that their forefathers conquered. Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes should be served to prisoners. Those gross and processed foods would run in fear if they saw the monstrous jaws of a real man glaring down at them, while the filet mignon and asparagus, and wild brown rice rejoice as they know they will be transformed into bulging masses of shredded musculature once a real man consumes them. umpyouup:

thank you!

sincerely, whatever

You are welcome!

 

[Halla74]

Halla,

How can I make myself get up off my dead lazy ass and get to work? Why do I keep sabatoging my own efforts, even for things that I'm pretty sure are extremely important to me?

Do the following:

(1) Write down your list of priorities.
(2) Execute them.
(3) If you cannot, then punish yourself.
(4) Channel the anger you created and transform it into energy to do your work.
(5) If this does not work, then take every privilege away from yourself, and do nothing that you like until your tasks are done, all or nothing!
(6) If this does not work then enlist in the U.S. Army. They will whip your ass into shape.

I have major procrastination issues myself, and I literally do the above to manage mine. Good luck!

-Halla

 

[Zoom]

I have to quote ye, so as to explain in reference to your different points.

So! On the points to remember about you, they may be applied to me as well. Essentially what I like to do for weight lifting is go in knowing what muscle groups I wish to work and pick from the many exercises I know to do so. I'm looking to expand my repertoire of exercises, but that's another matter. I watched others at the gym from the age I started (13) and tried out things as I found out what was effective and felt good.

Counting calories or planning to the hilt is indeed a surefire way for me to fail.

So! On your list, perhaps I should explain bullet-point style the way I eat.

• I drink alcohol but once a month, avoid prepackaged and heavily processed foods, and haven't had candy (dark chocolate notwithstanding), soda or fried foods since I was... thirteen?
• I don't eat white flour or sugary things unless I'm specifically having a dessert (which is rare)
• What I eat primarily is fruit, vegetables, random grains (did ye know how good Quinoa can be? Mmm), and meat (Mooo. Cluck, cluck. *fish noise*) - more white than red meat, and fish. Sushi is Goddess Divine.
• I had to actually add fat to my daily food because I naturally did not eat enough of it. So, occasional cheese, olive oil for cooking, and cream in tea.
• I drink a lot of water, especially in the form of tea - green, herbal, and occasionally black.
• Really the only vice I have is caffeine, and I cut back to one cup of black tea a day, so...
• So the primary thing which dictates my weight is my activity level, which has dropped recently due to life. Hey, I just realized that!
• I haven't weighed myself in ten years, and primarily go by how I look and what I fit into.

I mean as to what shape/body composition one's body is happiest at, fat-to-muscle-percentage wise. Women have a bit higher of fat naturally, but really the concept is the same. Does that make sense? I wish to know what level of lean body mass is best for what I want to do and what is feasible. Is this essentially something only I can figure out through experience? I know the sky is the limit for those dedicated, but I wish this to be part of my lifestyle, not a fitness routine I do just to lose fat.

I highlighted the ones I do not do in red.

I hate indoor cardio and wish to beat it with a stick. I am currently trying to find fun activities that happen to be cardio to do on a regular basis. Dancing or martial arts, in all likelihood. Hiking, as well.

I do need some more free weight exercises that work out multiple muscle groups, but a rep plan that does not involve the really high weight and extremely low reps - I tend to do full-body exercises, possibly because I started out that way and also because I like it. It feels weird to do just one area ("back" on day, "legs" another) per workout, and I stretch a lot and just like feeling warm all over. Is doing full body workout routines (lifting, cardio notwithstanding) three times a week a bad way to go about it?

Hi there!





Your morphological programming and desired point of equilibrium seem very similar to mine, so hopefully I can offer some helpful tips.

First thing to remember about me: I am lazy with regard to processing "details." Calories are the worst sort of detail there are in my book.

Second thing to remember about me: I use simple rules of thumb translated into behaviors that are easy for me to perform on an on-going basis with regard to maintaining my level of fitness.

Third thing to remember about me: I live and train instincitvely. I have very specific plans for the short range, mid-range, and long-range aspects of my life, but my daily methods of traversing reality are executed with a rough bullet point outline, and the rest figured out on the fly, as too much planning too soon often results in wasted effort when reality reminds you that your plans are not in charge of the universe.

So, with that in mind, I offer the following:

Finding and Maintaining Equilibrium:
(1) Determine what your equilibrium is (e.g. ration of mass to definition), and do whatever you need to in order to get there. This is most likely an assumption, but I am listing it just for the sake of being thorough.

(2) Choose some other means of evaluating your physique other than a scale. For instance, I go by how my clothes fit, and how I look in the mirror, way more than I do by my actual bodyweight.

(3) Eat 5-6 small-medium meals per day.

(4) Never eat a serving of carbohydrates bigger than your fist in one sitting.

(5) With regard to the size of your meals, consider the following: "Eat the breakfast of a king, the lunch of a prince, and the dinner of a pauper." OR, more simply put, Eat larger portions earlier on in the day as you have the rest of the day to burn them off, and decrease your serving sizes as the day passes by. EXAMPLE: I start cutting my carbohydrate consumption at 12:00 PM. I only eat protein and vegetables for dinner.

(6) Limit your sodium intake, and your intake of alcohol. Both bloat you.

(7) French fries or other favorite sin food only once per week at most.

(8) Eat cheese at most once per day. Cottage cheese does not count, as it is all protein and no fat, if you get the light stuff.

(9) Examples of mini-meals include: nuts + banana; protein shake; scrambled eggs + fresh fruit; turkey sandwich, etc.

(10) Drink lots of water. It helps keep you full, and it helps to burn fat.

(11) To make yourself feel full if you are hungry and have been getting proper nutrition, try the following: Eat 1 apple, then drink a glass of water. The water will make the fiber in the apple expand in your stomach and take longer to digest, making you feel full.

(12) Keep up your cardio, and if you can, do your workouts in the morning, as you will spike your metabolism at its lowest point (waking up) and benefit from a slightly increased metabolism the rest of the day due to the early AM kick start.

(13) Be smart about mayonnaise, sodas, sour cream, etc. Don't let condiments blow your nutritional profile.

(14) Eat whole foods, stay away from stuff in cans, boxes, jars, etc. Eat what cavemen ate!

----------------------------

Please let me know if the tips above are the type of advice you were seeking. If you already do most of these things, please let me know which and I'll offer some different info. to try and help you bridge the gap from where you are to where you wish to be.

Cheers,

-Halla

 

[countrygirl]

I am going to start up an exercise routine and have limited time so this advice to kyuuei was great. However, what if one cannot do chin-ups and pull-ups? These are well-rounded amazing exercises but I cannot attach a bar to my door frame or wall? Would I have to resort to targeting the muscles individually?

 

[Halla74]

I am going to start up an exercise routine and have limited time so this advice to kyuuei was great.


However, what if one cannot do chin-ups and pull-ups? These are well-rounded amazing exercises but I cannot attach a bar to my door frame or wall? Would I have to resort to targeting the muscles individually?

Ask, and ye shall receive:

Here is a high quality pull up bar that is versatile, and effortless to attach to a doorframe WITHOUT screwing in holes to damage the door frame: Enter the "Iron Gym." (~$30)

Total Upper Body Workout Bar - As Seen on TV | Walgreens

NOTE: Beefy man not included in Iron Gym box, he is sold separately.

TIP: If you cannot do a pull-up or chin-up from a free hanging position all the ay up and all the way down, then use either of the two following methods t ocheat:

(1) Bend your knees slightly, locking your feet together at the ankles to create a "handle" for your friend. Have your friend hold onto your "foot handle" (his/her palms up and cupped together) and request that they lift up on your feet when you need help with a positive portion (pulling yourself up) of a repetition. Then, for maximum effect, lower yourself down with no help, but do it as SLOWLY as you can.

(2) Get a stepping stool and place it under the pull up bar. Step up and grab the bar so you are almost at the top of the rep. Once you're up, hold it for a good 2-5 seconds, and then lower yourself as SLOWLY as you can. This is a great trick if you don't have a spotter.

(3) ADVANCED: Attach ankle weights, or wear the backpack with sand in it (described in kyuuei's response above) and then do pullups. The extra weight will make it harder, and you'll get more reps. BUT- if you do this for 3-4 weeks, and then do regular pull-ups, the regular pull-ups will be much easier, and you'll get more reps than you did before.



Is that a little better?

-Halla

P.S. I added three new exercises "FUN WITH TIRES" to my response to kyuuei, as I forgot them earlier. Check'em out above...oh yeeeeah.

 

[kyuuei]

In the words of TypC's very own Domino: "You wish to increase your mightyness!"

Hai!

QUESTION: Do you wish to increase your ARM strength or your OVERALL strength?

Overall strength, but I feel I am particularly weak in my arms.. I also like working them out the least what a coincidence!

(1) Pull-ups (lats, shoulders)
(2) Chin-ups (Biceps, lats)
(3) Walking lunges (quads, hamstrings, glutes)
(4) Dips (Between two chairs, or other stable and stationary furniture)
(5) Pliometric jump squats (Jump up onto a bench, step down, left, right, repeat until legz are dead. )
(6) Calf raises (Find a staircase, hold onto the rail, using one leg at a time raise yourself up and down while only your toes are on the edge od the step, 25 reps each leg, and the n50 with both feet together.)

Sounds like a plan to me! <scribbles notes.>

OK, regarding the dumbbells. Could you please tell me what your current use of them is?

I do a workout DVD that requires them. Some of them are hard "Like where I spend a minute and a half doing shoulder raises - i dunno what they're called.. but. You have the dumbells in hand, and pull your arms straight up with your arms srtaight infront of you, and lower them again - with side lunges)

(1) Backpack/Rucksack:

This sounds like something off of Rocky. I think I have an old backpack...

(2) Boxes of Books!

I run a family business where we ship things Boxes are not a problem to obtain. This is an awesome idea.. at the delivery girl section!!

FUN WITH TIRES:

I have a spare tire for my car.. and a giant monster-truck tire in storage. I guess I'll just need something a bit more my-size!

This totally makes me excited for summer. I think I shall spend some time collecting these things and break up this into routines come spring/warmer weather Thank you! I'll totally let you know how it goes for me

Do the following:

(1) Write down your list of priorities.
(2) Execute them.
(3) If you cannot, then punish yourself.

I find myself frequently being productive in areas unrelated to the area I actually want to get done. Need homework done? Suddenly my room is clean. Got a pile of things to do? I pick the thing with the due date the furthest out.

I find one thing that helps a lot is finding out WHY I'm avoiding it. If I realize I'm avoiding it because it's daunting, for example, then I split it up into sections. "Just clean this small corner, and then tomorrow I'll do another small corner.." Or if I'm avoiding it because I can't STAND the kind of work it is, I'll blitz through it to get it over with, or pick the hardest part and just do that first. Finding out why I'm avoiding it usually helps me get through it.

NOTE: Beefy man not included in Iron Gym box, he is sold separately.

Damn.

 

[countrygirl]

Ask, and ye shall receive:

Here is a high quality pull up bar that is versatile, and effortless to attach to a doorframe WITHOUT screwing in holes to damage the door frame: Enter the "Iron Gym." (~$30)

Total Upper Body Workout Bar - As Seen on TV | Walgreens

NOTE: Beefy man not included in Iron Gym box, he is sold separately.

TIP: If you cannot do a pull-up or chin-up from a free hanging position all the ay up and all the way down, then use either of the two following methods t ocheat:

(1) Bend your knees slightly, locking your feet together at the ankles to create a "handle" for your friend. Have your friend hold onto your "foot handle" (his/her palms up and cupped together) and request that they lift up on your feet when you need help with a positive portion (pulling yourself up) of a repetition. Then, for maximum effect, lower yourself down with no help, but do it as SLOWLY as you can.

(2) Get a stepping stool and place it under the pull up bar. Step up and grab the bar so you are almost at the top of the rep. Once you're up, hold it for a good 2-5 seconds, and then lower yourself as SLOWLY as you can. This is a great trick if you don't have a spotter.

(3) ADVANCED: Attach ankle weights, or wear the backpack with sand in it (described in kyuuei's response above) and then do pullups. The extra weight will make it harder, and you'll get more reps. BUT- if you do this for 3-4 weeks, and then do regular pull-ups, the regular pull-ups will be much easier, and you'll get more reps than you did before.



Is that a little better?

-Halla

P.S. I added three new exercises "FUN WITH TIRES" to my response to kyuuei, as I forgot them earlier. Check'em out above...oh yeeeeah.

The Iron gym looks great. However, where would I place my hands for the chin-up? Wouldn't my hands be in front of my shoulders or closer in?

 

[Zoom]

*whistles innocently whilst poking Halla with a stick*

 

[Halla74]

*whistles innocently whilst poking Halla with a stick*

Zzzzt! Sorry! About to drive home for dinner, will reply after pizza is in belly.

Cheers!



-Halla

 

[Zoom]

Ha! No worries, mate. Just pokin' you to remind your busy, hyperactive self.

 

[simpleamazement]

Can you tell me why ESTP females respond to me so much more positively when they are in bars than in real life? Like in class, work, normal daytime stuff - then they act weird?

 

[SilkRoad]

*whistles innocently whilst poking Halla with a stick*

*Does the same*

Just think if Halla were Ann Landers, though...only a very small percentage of people would ever get a response...

 

[Halla74]

Can you tell me why ESTP females respond to me so much more positively when they are in bars than in real life? Like in class, work, normal daytime stuff - then they act weird?

In vino veritas.

"Truth in wine."

Alcohol lowers inhibitions.

People typically drink in bars, and not so much during normal daytime stuff.

My tip for you. If a female (regardless of type, how do you reaslly know thier MBTI type in a bar?) reacts positively towards you in a bar, ask her out to do something some other time, after that evening out in the bar is done.

She's in a positive mood, so ask her a question that you want to hear a "yes" answer to.

If you mess up and don't ask her at that time, then when you see her next, be perky, smile, remind her of the good time you had talking at the bar, and ask her out to do something then. Make it fun. Go canoeing, biking, or something active. Get the adrenaline up and feel good together. That's the way to create a positive foundation with a woman and not come off like a creep.

 

[Halla74]

Ok Halla, I need some ESTP wisdom for a situation, please…

Long overdue, sorry for the delay, here I am...

A couple of months ago, I managed to piss off an ESTP (or maybe ESFP but haven’t figured it out. I think he is ESxP with a close T/F split but a bit stronger T.)

Got it.

Let’s be honest – this is the guy who I have posted a couple of threads about before, along the lines of “mixed messages/does he or doesn’t he like me” etc. Partly I was trying to figure out whether or not I should tell him about my feelings before he went away for six months, or possibly permanently, which he has now done.

Got it again.

Before taking this longer trip, he was away for about six weeks visiting family. During that time, a situation arose. Basically, he had confided in me (or gossiped to me) previously about some information that I wasn’t really entitled to but that someone else (who didn’t have the information at that point) was. I made the mistake of passing on that information to another mutual friend – who then passed it to the people who were entitled to it. Messy, messy, messy. Basically, this placed Mr ESxP in a very awkward position because he became known to have been in possession of this information and to have kept it from the people involved. (sorry for being so vague about this, but trying to explain it properly would be too difficult.)

That's enough for me to comprehend what I need to, understood.

I decided it was best to tell ESxP about this before he returned because he was definitely going to be confronted with the situation in some way, shape or form. I wanted to be honest with him. He was angry with me and accused me of betraying a confidence, more or less. Which was true, but he had kind of done a similar thing in passing on the info to me. It was a bit of a moral dilemma all around.

You were right to tell him upfront upon his return.

He was rude in how he responded to you, as he was the pot calling the kettle black.

He believes in double standards, in dissonace, do as I say not as ido. Control freak 101.

I was VERY careful to not take the high moral ground, or to accuse him, or whatever – I apologised for the way things had unfolded, but I also said I thought that perhaps it was for the best. He didn’t acknowledge my apology or the “for the best” aspect at all – he just said things which I found self-centered, accusatory and cruel. I got very upset, it didn’t really come out in my messages to him but after a few exchanges I stopped writing to him. I was extremely stressed and upset about the whole thing.

He is an immature ass at this point. Flush him down the toilet like the turd he is.

He was back for only about ten days before setting off on his current trip. He didn’t contact me at all for almost a week and then texted and asked if I was coming to his leaving drinks. I didn’t respond and wasn’t sure what to do, but eventually I went. I thought I would just show up and be polite, but he actually brought the matter up with me. He said “everything is ok, [ie. he had been confronted with the situation but it hadn’t gone too badly] but I’m still a bit annoyed.”

He impicity forgave you. Once you forgive someone, the incident is over, and is not to be brought up in their face again, especially 2 seconds after they have been forgiven. His score is FAIL.

That kind of raised my hackles particularly because I had already apologized more than once, perhaps more than I even should, in a way...did he want me to grovel? I said “do you realise I was very upset about your reaction and the whole situation?” and he said “well, if that’s the case, I apologise, but I don’t really know what you had to be upset about.” Then he said again “I’m still a bit annoyed” and I said “Likewise…” Then he said “I guess like you said, I shouldn’t have told you about it in the first place…let’s just forget about it.”

Again, dissonance. He has a "I can do no wrong attitude" apparently and is fucking with your head with all this "I don't know what I did wrong" bullshit. He's immature. He might be suave, but he's immature, and selfish too.

That was the last I saw of him. We did exchange a couple of goodbye texts but that was it. I am still upset because I didn’t get a chance to discuss the matter properly with him and I felt like he blamed the whole thing on me when he certainly had a measure of blame too, failed to see the bigger picture, and didn’t take my feelings about the matter and the way he’d dragged me into it into account at all. I also found it hard to believe that he didn’t realise I was upset or couldn’t see what I had to be upset about. I think it should have been pretty obvious.

When an ox is walking through a salty marsh, and he steps on a mussel, and shatters its shell, and explodes its visceral organs out onto the grass, it feels nothing.

Also, if he is an ESTP, he is emotionally retarded. I can say that without prejudice, as I am an ESTP, and I was emotionally retarded for many years, basically most of my adult life. Some of us are just "detached" and "aloof" without being hurtful, but others interpret our emotional flatness for being blunt. It seems this is his way, but he has a manipulative streak, and he obviously thnks he is hot shit, which makes him anything but. There is nothing like an ego to make an otherwise appealing person not appealing at all.

I haven’t heard from him since he went away. I have heard from mutual friends that he is having a wonderful time travelling, etc and as much as this makes me the smaller person, all that does is irritate me and upset me. It seems typical that he would have left me feeling upset and he is off having a wonderful time. I know that’s my bad and I’m working on it, but I still feel resentful and upset.

His agenda is: Me, me, me, me, me!

You are not the smaller person for feeling irritated that he is off gallavanting about on his travels after leaving you hurt. You are hurt, you made all efforts necessary that a normal, good person would have to obtain closure about this simple and unfortunate occurrence of bad communication and simple acts of bad judgement between you and him.

When I've tried to make my peace with people and it has not been possible I used to get really pissed about it. Now I chalk it up to their lack of character. Unfortunately, it seems you are internalizing it. I ask you to let it go. I ask you to forgive yourself, and to release your grip on this baggage, and move forward. You did everything you can, girl. You exercised due diligence. You did no wrong.

I guess I’d like your input as to: a) whether or not you think he’s still mad at me or whether he really did “forget about it” and still considers me a friend;

You are his friend so long as you interact with him on terms that are convenient for him. Got it? He is a manipulator and a punk.

b) whether he is likely to realise that I am still upset; and

Honestly, I think he does, and I think he has left as such as a means of leaving a hook in you, to have a way to set you off balance if he ever returns, so he can keep fucking with your head.

c) any comments on what you think my next move should be. Your own opinion is fine, I am collecting opinions on this situation from a few people to get a bigger picture…that’s part of my way of working through this.

Let it go. Learn from the experience. Don't release confidential information even if it was delivered by accident. If someone comes gossiping to you, let it end at your ears, do not relay it. People get fired for that, and friendships are burned that way. I am not saying this to be harsh, I am telling you the truth.

Forgive yourself, please. Recognize him for the imperfect, self centered person that he is. he might be alot of fun, he might be good looking even, but there is only room in that man's heart for himself. His interactions with others are shallow from what I know of him.

Part of me thinks I should write to him and explain the situation and my feelings about it and see how he responds. But another part thinks I should just let this go and do my best to forget about it.

That's up to you!

The thing is, I have always been vulnerable to this guy because of my feelings for him. I think we have established conclusively that we’d make a lousy couple and that he’s probably not interested anyway. So in a way, that’s no longer an issue, but my residual feelings make it an issue.

You are bitter because you didn't get what you wanted. That's normal. That's human. Don't beat yourself up over it. Unfortunately we do not always have power of who our heart offers its allegiance to. Events like this allow us to fine tune it though. And if you had feelings for him for some time, then they will take some time to dissolve. Simple attraction theory. A one week realtionship is easy to get over. A one year relationship takes longer to walk away from.

Outside of moving on, the best thing you can do is to change your patterns of behavior. Change the route you take t owork. Change what you do during your lunch hour. Change the folks you talk to, and get yourself into some new places to do new things. Hell, register for a class at a local college, even if its not for credit. Guess waht? You'll be changing your routine, you'll be keeping your mind busy, you'll be talking with new people, oh my...what's that...is it...Mr. Right? So this is where he's been hiding out...

In a way, my dilemma is this: If I never try to discuss this with him, it may remain festering within me as unfinished business for quite a while, despite my efforts to just let it go. But if I do try to discuss it with him, I am afraid I’ll get another hurtful reaction which will wound me more. And also, trying to discuss it with him suggests that I want to keep the friendship alive – which I’m not even sure is a good idea at this point.

(1) Make your final attempt at closure with him if YOU need to. Don't do it for him, do it if YOU need to. But don't have any expectations as to how he should handle it, or if you will hear back from him.

(2) IMO, keeping your "friendship" alive with him is a bad idea. It's a one-sided friendship, that's whi I put it in quotes, its a friendship that is convenient for him, and hurtful to you. I am not friends with people that make me feel bad when I have done no wrong. No one is allowed to treat me that way. Do you see the utility in that?

What do you think? Thanks in advance for your input!

(1) I think you are a sweetheart.

(2) I think he is an asshole.

(3) I think you need to listen to Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots are Made for Walking", and imagine his skull underneath your nice new pair of black high heeled Italian boots.

YouTube - NANCY SINATRA - THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING (Estas Botas Son Para Caminar)

Good luck!



-Halla

 

[bcvcdc]

bad communication

Quite honestly, I don't know what the fuck you really said in your post, but I do know that until you start saying just exactly what you mean in absolute black and white wording, others here (like me) will not communicate with you!