Opal Star
Member
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2020
- Messages
- 516
- Enneagram
- 173
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
I am pretty sure that I am a core 1 (1w2), but I am pretty unsure about my other tritype fixes. I am also pretty uncertain about being an enneagram 1.
Relationship with fear, anxiety, and shame:
I relate most to anxiety because I have anxious and OCD tendencies. Anxiety has been something that I have struggled with for a long time. I feel shame when I feel like nothing that I do is ever good enough by my standards, when I do something wrong, when I compare myself to others (over having a certain characteristic or accomplishment that I am jealous of), and when I am bad. I feel shame when I do not live up to my own standards. I do not get angry easily, but I will beat myself up over my mistakes. I can be overly critical of other people.
What Was Your Childhood Like? What Was the Most Difficult Part of Your Childhood and What Effect Did You Think It Caused?
I was an intellectually curious, analytical, emotional, responsible, extremely self-disciplined, organized, hardworking, dutiful, and creative child. I had some jealousy issues and I was very anxious. I was reading a lot, I was energetic, I did some creative writing, and I was introverted. I did not care about social norms as a child. I followed rules but I did not understand social norms. I would monologue about whichever topic I was obsessed with, I had trouble making eye contact, I could not read body language, and conversation dynamics were confusing to me. I did not fit in with others due to my interests and it made me sad. However, I did not take much action to try to fit in.
The most difficult part of my childhood was when I had an anxiety-ridden phase (due to something I cannot control). I was uncharacteristically defiant, unmotivated, depressed, and lazy. I was more withdrawn and every little thing would make me worry and/or cry. I lost my will to do and learn things.
The effect that it caused was that I would be more proactive in managing my anxiety. I would set goals and focus on something to distract myself from my anxiety. My anxiety has also made me even more perfectionistic, compulsive, and conscientious than I already was before this phase.
What does shame, fear/anxiety, and anger motivate me to do?
Fear and anxiety motivate me to be compulsively checking things, be perfectionistic and detail-oriented, and work to create security about the future. Shame motivates me to compare myself to others (over an achievement or over something that they have that I do not), to criticize myself, and be envious. My anxiety over the future and the shame that comes from "not being good enough" by my standards motivates me to work hard and strive towards achievements. Anger motivates me to be overly critical and fight for what I believe in.
How do you relate to the idea of criticism? Do you mind being criticized?
I am sensitive to criticism but I know that it is valuable. I am highly self-critical and I am not afraid to criticize others as well. I will point out mistakes. I do not like being criticized because it makes me feel as if I have failed, but I see it as a necessary evil.
Do you try to hold yourself to a higher standard so that you cannot be criticized?
Yes. I have such high standards when it comes to my schoolwork, and much of it stems from the fear of getting a bad grade. I will ensure that details are correct.
Do you relate to an inner critic?
Yes. I will criticize myself over mistakes, not following rules (external rules or my own principles), and by not sticking to my values. I will rigidly stick to principles and I will focus more on making something perfect than being efficient.
Do you tend to focus on "what ifs" and "if this happens, then what?"
When I am anxious or planning for the future.
Are you concerned about your safety and security?
I am not terribly concerned with my safety (enough to be cautious) and I am somewhat security-conscious. I ensure that there is a clear path to achieving my goals and I am not a risk-taker.
Do you trust yourself and your own judgments? Do you doubt yourself over your own abilities?
I often am unsure of myself, so I will seek external information. I doubt my own abilities, even when I have accomplished so much.
How much do you care about how you are perceived?
I do not care much about how I am perceived unless it is by people with authority. People with authority means teachers and coaches.
What do you do in moments of conflict? Do you avoid it? Are you a peacemaker/mediator?
In conflicts where others are fighting, I will remain calm, and I will usually just observe it. If I am involved in a conflict, I will try to gain my composure and be rational (discuss the issue). I do not try to avoid it. Conflict happens from time to time, even if it can be uncomfortable. I am not a peacemaker or mediator.
Do you have a strong urge to be needed or to have attention?
I do not have an urge to be needed; however, there were moments when I have desired attention for my accomplishments.
Do you love helping people? Do you go out of your way to help others?
I like volunteering, but helping others is not a focus of mine. There are causes that I am passionate about, but I also care about my own achievements a lot. I go out of my way to help others when I am asked to do so, or if it is expected of me.
Do you fear somehow being separated from others like you don't matter? Do you feel unseen or unheard? What motivates you and why?
I fear being ostracized from others because of my past experiences of not fitting in. Due to these experiences, I have envied those that do. That being said, I do not feel unheard. My thoughts and feelings are expressed and I am easy to read.
Do you care about prestige and accomplishments and being well-known? Why is that and what motivates you?
I feel as if my accomplishments (grades and other tasks) define me. Prestige and being well-known also motivate me to an extent. I want to have security; accomplishments give me a sense of security and satisfaction. I want to be perfect and my idealized self. My envy also motivates me to want to be the best, and I also just want to be the best.
Do you have workaholic tendencies? Do you love achievements and going for them? What do you think of goals and completing tasks? Do you care a lot about efficiency?
I have some workaholic tendencies. I love achieving things and working towards my goals. I am very ambitious. I love setting goals and completing items off of my "to-do" lists. New Year's Day is my favorite holiday because it means that I can set new goals.
What does the word "freedom" mean to you? Do you need to have autonomy?
Freedom mainly means the right for people to express themselves through their rights without being unfairly repressed by their government. I mainly think of freedom in a legal/political sense. Freedom also means authenticity and doing what you want, but that is less important to me. I do need to have some level of autonomy (by leading/being independent), but I restrict myself by setting rules and to-do lists.
Is being controlled something that you fear?
Not particularly. Although I like being the leader, I can follow guidelines well.
Is asking for help easy? Why or why not?
Asking for help is not easy for me because I want to competently solve problems on my own. I will ask for help if I need it, but I prefer not to.
Are you a blunt person? Why or why not?
Sometimes I can be blunt, but this is mainly when I give criticism. I can be direct when I need to be authoritative (i.e. leading). Being direct sometimes makes things more effective.
Are your energy levels high, low, or somewhere in between?
I tend to be high energy, but I have my moments of low energy.
What do you think of boredom? Do you get bored? Do you like doing a lot of things?
I hate boredom, and I get bored when I have nothing to do or no goals to achieve. I love doing a lot of things.
Do you need sensation to feel fulfilled? Do you need sensation and excitement to feel filled?
Not particularly. Although I like some sensations at times, I do not need a lot of stimulation and new experiences.
What is your relationship to food? Do you eat too much and consider yourself gluttonous?
I love food, but I used to restrict it heavily. I would expect myself to be a healthy vegan. I am self-controlled around food. I do not like many extreme things, but I like trying new foods and intense workouts.
Do you or anyone else call you "too much" or "too intense?" Would anyone call you excessive? Do you like extreme things? Why?
Not particularly, but I do have some "all-or-nothing" tendencies. I want to always be "on" and doing things. I am not excessive; I am very self-disciplined. I do not like many extreme things, but I like trying new foods and intense workouts.
Do you consider yourself lazy? Do you do as much with as little energy possible?
Not at all. The tasks on my to-do list come first.
Do you relate to being protective or protecting the weak? How much do you focus on equality, people's rights, and stuff for leveling the playing field?
I do not relate to being protective. I do focus a lot on equality, however. People need to focus on being aware of equality and people's rights because it is the right thing to do. Social justice is important to me.
What does being strong mean to you? Why is that?
Being strong means to fight for what is right and to be stubborn. Being strong means leading by example and doing the right thing.
What is your relationship with pride and vanity?
I do not feel much pride and vanity. I lack confidence if anything,
31 . What is your relationship to self-identity? Is this very important? What about not being an individual? Is being an individual very important to you? Why?
Normally, I do not focus much on my identity unless I am stressed or am thinking about my achievements. I am going through a "teenage self-discovery" phase, and I am much more focused on my identity so that I can figure out what I want to do with my life. I think that this is normal, and this is just a phase. I respect my own individuality, but not being an individual is not something I fear. I fear not being an individual in the sense that I have not accomplished much. My individuality is not terribly important to me.
32. Are you authentic and true to yourself no matter what the cost? How much does being "you" matter to you?
I am pretty authentic to myself. I am who I am, but I do not find ways to express my identity often.
33. What is your relationship to envy? What does it motivate you to do?
I have had jealousy issues over accomplishments and things that others had that I didn't. Envy motivates me to work for whatever I want to achieve.
34. How much do you care about the perfection of a task?
I am a huge perfectionist, and I worry about failing a lot. Failure is one of my biggest fears.
35. Does being stupid bother you? Why? What do you do about this anxiety?
Seeming stupid bothers me somewhat, because I hate being wrong. I study to combat this fear about being wrong. However, this is not a big fear of mine.
36. What about digging for information do you like? Do you do this a lot? Why? Does it help you understand the world and if so, how? Do you love knowledge, information, and research? Do you hoard information?
I love learning new things. I gather information on whichever topic that I am interested in, and I can become obsessed with that topic. I do this a lot. The new information that I gather helps me understand things by learning how systems work. I love knowledge, information, and research. I do not hoard information; I can share it readily.
Relationship with fear, anxiety, and shame:
I relate most to anxiety because I have anxious and OCD tendencies. Anxiety has been something that I have struggled with for a long time. I feel shame when I feel like nothing that I do is ever good enough by my standards, when I do something wrong, when I compare myself to others (over having a certain characteristic or accomplishment that I am jealous of), and when I am bad. I feel shame when I do not live up to my own standards. I do not get angry easily, but I will beat myself up over my mistakes. I can be overly critical of other people.
What Was Your Childhood Like? What Was the Most Difficult Part of Your Childhood and What Effect Did You Think It Caused?
I was an intellectually curious, analytical, emotional, responsible, extremely self-disciplined, organized, hardworking, dutiful, and creative child. I had some jealousy issues and I was very anxious. I was reading a lot, I was energetic, I did some creative writing, and I was introverted. I did not care about social norms as a child. I followed rules but I did not understand social norms. I would monologue about whichever topic I was obsessed with, I had trouble making eye contact, I could not read body language, and conversation dynamics were confusing to me. I did not fit in with others due to my interests and it made me sad. However, I did not take much action to try to fit in.
The most difficult part of my childhood was when I had an anxiety-ridden phase (due to something I cannot control). I was uncharacteristically defiant, unmotivated, depressed, and lazy. I was more withdrawn and every little thing would make me worry and/or cry. I lost my will to do and learn things.
The effect that it caused was that I would be more proactive in managing my anxiety. I would set goals and focus on something to distract myself from my anxiety. My anxiety has also made me even more perfectionistic, compulsive, and conscientious than I already was before this phase.
What does shame, fear/anxiety, and anger motivate me to do?
Fear and anxiety motivate me to be compulsively checking things, be perfectionistic and detail-oriented, and work to create security about the future. Shame motivates me to compare myself to others (over an achievement or over something that they have that I do not), to criticize myself, and be envious. My anxiety over the future and the shame that comes from "not being good enough" by my standards motivates me to work hard and strive towards achievements. Anger motivates me to be overly critical and fight for what I believe in.
How do you relate to the idea of criticism? Do you mind being criticized?
I am sensitive to criticism but I know that it is valuable. I am highly self-critical and I am not afraid to criticize others as well. I will point out mistakes. I do not like being criticized because it makes me feel as if I have failed, but I see it as a necessary evil.
Do you try to hold yourself to a higher standard so that you cannot be criticized?
Yes. I have such high standards when it comes to my schoolwork, and much of it stems from the fear of getting a bad grade. I will ensure that details are correct.
Do you relate to an inner critic?
Yes. I will criticize myself over mistakes, not following rules (external rules or my own principles), and by not sticking to my values. I will rigidly stick to principles and I will focus more on making something perfect than being efficient.
Do you tend to focus on "what ifs" and "if this happens, then what?"
When I am anxious or planning for the future.
Are you concerned about your safety and security?
I am not terribly concerned with my safety (enough to be cautious) and I am somewhat security-conscious. I ensure that there is a clear path to achieving my goals and I am not a risk-taker.
Do you trust yourself and your own judgments? Do you doubt yourself over your own abilities?
I often am unsure of myself, so I will seek external information. I doubt my own abilities, even when I have accomplished so much.
How much do you care about how you are perceived?
I do not care much about how I am perceived unless it is by people with authority. People with authority means teachers and coaches.
What do you do in moments of conflict? Do you avoid it? Are you a peacemaker/mediator?
In conflicts where others are fighting, I will remain calm, and I will usually just observe it. If I am involved in a conflict, I will try to gain my composure and be rational (discuss the issue). I do not try to avoid it. Conflict happens from time to time, even if it can be uncomfortable. I am not a peacemaker or mediator.
Do you have a strong urge to be needed or to have attention?
I do not have an urge to be needed; however, there were moments when I have desired attention for my accomplishments.
Do you love helping people? Do you go out of your way to help others?
I like volunteering, but helping others is not a focus of mine. There are causes that I am passionate about, but I also care about my own achievements a lot. I go out of my way to help others when I am asked to do so, or if it is expected of me.
Do you fear somehow being separated from others like you don't matter? Do you feel unseen or unheard? What motivates you and why?
I fear being ostracized from others because of my past experiences of not fitting in. Due to these experiences, I have envied those that do. That being said, I do not feel unheard. My thoughts and feelings are expressed and I am easy to read.
Do you care about prestige and accomplishments and being well-known? Why is that and what motivates you?
I feel as if my accomplishments (grades and other tasks) define me. Prestige and being well-known also motivate me to an extent. I want to have security; accomplishments give me a sense of security and satisfaction. I want to be perfect and my idealized self. My envy also motivates me to want to be the best, and I also just want to be the best.
Do you have workaholic tendencies? Do you love achievements and going for them? What do you think of goals and completing tasks? Do you care a lot about efficiency?
I have some workaholic tendencies. I love achieving things and working towards my goals. I am very ambitious. I love setting goals and completing items off of my "to-do" lists. New Year's Day is my favorite holiday because it means that I can set new goals.
What does the word "freedom" mean to you? Do you need to have autonomy?
Freedom mainly means the right for people to express themselves through their rights without being unfairly repressed by their government. I mainly think of freedom in a legal/political sense. Freedom also means authenticity and doing what you want, but that is less important to me. I do need to have some level of autonomy (by leading/being independent), but I restrict myself by setting rules and to-do lists.
Is being controlled something that you fear?
Not particularly. Although I like being the leader, I can follow guidelines well.
Is asking for help easy? Why or why not?
Asking for help is not easy for me because I want to competently solve problems on my own. I will ask for help if I need it, but I prefer not to.
Are you a blunt person? Why or why not?
Sometimes I can be blunt, but this is mainly when I give criticism. I can be direct when I need to be authoritative (i.e. leading). Being direct sometimes makes things more effective.
Are your energy levels high, low, or somewhere in between?
I tend to be high energy, but I have my moments of low energy.
What do you think of boredom? Do you get bored? Do you like doing a lot of things?
I hate boredom, and I get bored when I have nothing to do or no goals to achieve. I love doing a lot of things.
Do you need sensation to feel fulfilled? Do you need sensation and excitement to feel filled?
Not particularly. Although I like some sensations at times, I do not need a lot of stimulation and new experiences.
What is your relationship to food? Do you eat too much and consider yourself gluttonous?
I love food, but I used to restrict it heavily. I would expect myself to be a healthy vegan. I am self-controlled around food. I do not like many extreme things, but I like trying new foods and intense workouts.
Do you or anyone else call you "too much" or "too intense?" Would anyone call you excessive? Do you like extreme things? Why?
Not particularly, but I do have some "all-or-nothing" tendencies. I want to always be "on" and doing things. I am not excessive; I am very self-disciplined. I do not like many extreme things, but I like trying new foods and intense workouts.
Do you consider yourself lazy? Do you do as much with as little energy possible?
Not at all. The tasks on my to-do list come first.
Do you relate to being protective or protecting the weak? How much do you focus on equality, people's rights, and stuff for leveling the playing field?
I do not relate to being protective. I do focus a lot on equality, however. People need to focus on being aware of equality and people's rights because it is the right thing to do. Social justice is important to me.
What does being strong mean to you? Why is that?
Being strong means to fight for what is right and to be stubborn. Being strong means leading by example and doing the right thing.
What is your relationship with pride and vanity?
I do not feel much pride and vanity. I lack confidence if anything,
31 . What is your relationship to self-identity? Is this very important? What about not being an individual? Is being an individual very important to you? Why?
Normally, I do not focus much on my identity unless I am stressed or am thinking about my achievements. I am going through a "teenage self-discovery" phase, and I am much more focused on my identity so that I can figure out what I want to do with my life. I think that this is normal, and this is just a phase. I respect my own individuality, but not being an individual is not something I fear. I fear not being an individual in the sense that I have not accomplished much. My individuality is not terribly important to me.
32. Are you authentic and true to yourself no matter what the cost? How much does being "you" matter to you?
I am pretty authentic to myself. I am who I am, but I do not find ways to express my identity often.
33. What is your relationship to envy? What does it motivate you to do?
I have had jealousy issues over accomplishments and things that others had that I didn't. Envy motivates me to work for whatever I want to achieve.
34. How much do you care about the perfection of a task?
I am a huge perfectionist, and I worry about failing a lot. Failure is one of my biggest fears.
35. Does being stupid bother you? Why? What do you do about this anxiety?
Seeming stupid bothers me somewhat, because I hate being wrong. I study to combat this fear about being wrong. However, this is not a big fear of mine.
36. What about digging for information do you like? Do you do this a lot? Why? Does it help you understand the world and if so, how? Do you love knowledge, information, and research? Do you hoard information?
I love learning new things. I gather information on whichever topic that I am interested in, and I can become obsessed with that topic. I do this a lot. The new information that I gather helps me understand things by learning how systems work. I love knowledge, information, and research. I do not hoard information; I can share it readily.
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