2XtremeENFP
New member
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2008
- Messages
- 446
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
- Enneagram
- 3w4
Man alive, tonight was a rough one.
I'm an ENFP engaged to an ISTJ (as I'm sure you've seen my posts around here...)
Anyways, here's what happened tonight...
I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with friends, indoors, outdoors, bars, concerts, house parties, get togethers... anything! I enjoy spending hours with people. I can't go for just "an hour" because I feel like I'm just getting started. I'm floating around the room, I'm taking it in, I'm playing catch up. I'm doing all the "S" type of things. After the first hour or so, then the fun begins for me. I get to know people, We talk about stories, Ideas, the news, deeper things...that's the best part! I love just spending quality time with groups of people. Really, all it takes is 4 or more and I'm on fire!
He just doesn't get it. One hour is enough. He can't handle being in a bar, or really, any place that plays "music that is loud enough to compete with conversation". I never notice if the music is too loud or not, I just adjust my senses and get on with it. If he isn't actively involved during a social outting, he can't handle it. He needs to be playing a game or completing a task, or he finds it pointless and boring.
The issue is that he feels that as a couple, we need to spend these outtings together. If I want to stay, and he wants to leave, he believes I should leave, since we already spent time at the gathering. Why stay? We've already been here for X amount of time. He says that during gatherings, he doesn't want me to go alone, he wants to go. But when he goes, he doesn't have fun, and then I can't have fun. I ask him to just pass on going on the event and I'll go with friends, and he doesn't want to do that because that's "not what couples do". Once we are married, he already voiced that he feels he will be more strict with this value. That it's only right if married people do everything together.
But with this value, no one is really having fun, ya know? I can't enjoy myself because I know he doesn't want to be there. I don't want to leave early because I am enjoying myself and then he doesn't want to stay. I understand there needs to be compromise -- but I don't feel loved by self-sacrifice. Why should he feel "happy" that I sacrificed my happiness to leave a party early. Why should I feel "loved" that he stayed out for 3 hours when he didn't enjoy any bit of it.
Is sacrifice like this worth it? How can I get him to understand that it's okay for a couple to do different things without each other? How can I get him to understand that one hour isn't enough for me?
I feel guilty... he met me and our friends at a bar for 2 hours (wanted to leave after one), I had already been there an hour, so I ended up staying for 3 hours all together. He got mad that I didn't want to leave when he wanted too and that he thinks I don't sacrifice enough for him. He thinks it's stupid that people enjoy talking at bars for hours. We both went to our separate houses after this argument at around 1 in the morning. I'm still energized, so I went out to more bars and met some more friends until 3 in the morning. Keep in mind, I don't really drink at all. Maybe 1 or 2 drinks if I go out. I know when I tell him that I didn't get enough time with people and went back out, he is going to think i'm crazy.
Am I crazy? Who has a harder time dealing with this? E's or I's?
I'm an ENFP engaged to an ISTJ (as I'm sure you've seen my posts around here...)
Anyways, here's what happened tonight...
I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with friends, indoors, outdoors, bars, concerts, house parties, get togethers... anything! I enjoy spending hours with people. I can't go for just "an hour" because I feel like I'm just getting started. I'm floating around the room, I'm taking it in, I'm playing catch up. I'm doing all the "S" type of things. After the first hour or so, then the fun begins for me. I get to know people, We talk about stories, Ideas, the news, deeper things...that's the best part! I love just spending quality time with groups of people. Really, all it takes is 4 or more and I'm on fire!
He just doesn't get it. One hour is enough. He can't handle being in a bar, or really, any place that plays "music that is loud enough to compete with conversation". I never notice if the music is too loud or not, I just adjust my senses and get on with it. If he isn't actively involved during a social outting, he can't handle it. He needs to be playing a game or completing a task, or he finds it pointless and boring.
The issue is that he feels that as a couple, we need to spend these outtings together. If I want to stay, and he wants to leave, he believes I should leave, since we already spent time at the gathering. Why stay? We've already been here for X amount of time. He says that during gatherings, he doesn't want me to go alone, he wants to go. But when he goes, he doesn't have fun, and then I can't have fun. I ask him to just pass on going on the event and I'll go with friends, and he doesn't want to do that because that's "not what couples do". Once we are married, he already voiced that he feels he will be more strict with this value. That it's only right if married people do everything together.
But with this value, no one is really having fun, ya know? I can't enjoy myself because I know he doesn't want to be there. I don't want to leave early because I am enjoying myself and then he doesn't want to stay. I understand there needs to be compromise -- but I don't feel loved by self-sacrifice. Why should he feel "happy" that I sacrificed my happiness to leave a party early. Why should I feel "loved" that he stayed out for 3 hours when he didn't enjoy any bit of it.
Is sacrifice like this worth it? How can I get him to understand that it's okay for a couple to do different things without each other? How can I get him to understand that one hour isn't enough for me?
I feel guilty... he met me and our friends at a bar for 2 hours (wanted to leave after one), I had already been there an hour, so I ended up staying for 3 hours all together. He got mad that I didn't want to leave when he wanted too and that he thinks I don't sacrifice enough for him. He thinks it's stupid that people enjoy talking at bars for hours. We both went to our separate houses after this argument at around 1 in the morning. I'm still energized, so I went out to more bars and met some more friends until 3 in the morning. Keep in mind, I don't really drink at all. Maybe 1 or 2 drinks if I go out. I know when I tell him that I didn't get enough time with people and went back out, he is going to think i'm crazy.
Am I crazy? Who has a harder time dealing with this? E's or I's?