sculpting
New member
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2009
- Messages
- 4,148
1. Okay, so I love my new job. My ESTJ boss is the most awesome thing ever. The entire company culture is so positive, open ended and progressive. Everyone has to pass an IQ and personality test to come to work, and as much as I dont like being discriminatory, I must admit it feels very nice to be at the 50% mark of the IQ pool. Everybody just "gets it"
But I need some advice on how to deal with a very insecure INFP. I have never spent time around INFPs in real life, so it is like walking on thin ice...
He is very sweet, very kind and seems like a pretty smart guy.
Problematically... he was hired to do my job several months back...then there was a reorg, his boss left, and he was supposed to move to a slightly different role. His new boss-the ESTJ-kept him in the same role.
Thus we now have two people trying to do the same job, where only one is needed-so we get to be a team. He has very little experience doing the job, and I have over 5 years at another company.
To be honest, I have spent a great deal of time convincing myself that I was the person with the problem, that I felt there was some competition out of my own Te insecurity and trying to make a good impression in my new job, perhaps even being too bossy or maybe being a bit too baby Te in my ambitions in the position....but I am now pretty convinced he is doing some passive aggressive things.
Recognizing he and I have been placed in a very awkward situation, I have tried to be very, very careful to call us a team, include him on every single email, clear everything I do with him, and be certain to give him recognition on things he has done.
He "forgets" to invite me to certain meetings or to calls. He doesn’t copy me on emails. He doesn’t refer to a team, but instead will claim the job title for himself, unless he knows I am sitting there with him listening...
He has not shared a great deal of info I asked for. I didn’t realize how drastic this was till a new employee started and needed the same info and I overheard their convo-he had "forgotten" a great deal of resources that I needed...
He is very uninterested in learning about the technical aspects of the product-while I am drowning in tech documents and learning everything I can about the deep dive technical aspects, he actually seems offended that I would choose to do this. He has actually huffed at me about it. However then I will explain things to him-then later he repeats my explanation verbatim when asked about the topic, never mentioning it was my work to understand the technical data.
In meetings he has often taken the portion of content he actually understands and spoken to it, then thrown me the content neither of us understands, making me look stupid.
He alternates between being really nice and then saying douchebaggy sorts off hand, then claiming he is just being sarcastic.
Perhaps the worst thing is that if I ask him a question, he shuts me down with a very short response-accompanied by a very Fi heavy vibe of "That really isn’t relevant or needed, or wanted". He will often say "that's already been taken care of and decided" like I am butting in, when in reality, people are totally pissed as it isn’t being taken care of and are coming to me.
Any critique of his work or decision is met with this same pinched angry Fi angst, then later he recants and accepts the advice and changes course.
The Fi vibe is the ABSOLUTE worst, as it hits me as though the value I offer is irrelevant and not wanted. He made me cry-I NEVER cry, not in 8 years being married to an ISTP, did I cry...but this person made me cry.
Also, he will treat really weird stuff as a competition-like assignments form our boss. He doesn’t work with me, and if she chooses his template or recognizes his efforts on something, he actually cheers or is sure to point out how she liked it better. The day he cheered about getting an email to her first, after he told me, we needed to work separately on the same assignment; I gathered my stuff and left....WTF? Whenever he sees me doing something independently, he goes "well, I mean I already did that when I first started...†Then why am I wasting my time repeating it???
He also does this crazy ass thing, where I will start to do some task as he doesn’t have any interest, then he suddenly jumps in and races to finish it before me...I am like WTF, you can do it if you want to, but don’t waste my time by not being clear about it. It's like trying to pass somebody on the highway, then having them speed up to stop you....
He will sort of flaunt how much the team likes him-rightfully so as he is a really nice person to them, but he makes sure to point it out all the time. He also gets in "nice" companions with me, like racing to get another person information before I can-so we both look like tools for getting them the same info...
************************************************** *****
So I figure a lot of this is the weirdness of the position and both of our insecurity. I kind of ranted about the above-He REALLY is a nice guy-His weird, insecure behaviors seem to be intermittent, most days okay or even really nice, but some days pretty bad, likely much of it stressed induced. I don’t want to be mean to him and I want to work as a team with him, so please forgive if I sounded frustrated above. I am sort of at my wits end...
Can you guys give me feedback or suggestions as to how to let him know I am not a threat? Also, should I be ignoring some of these behaviors, as internal to him?
Any critique or guidance would be awesome... Argh... it is emotionally wearing.
But I need some advice on how to deal with a very insecure INFP. I have never spent time around INFPs in real life, so it is like walking on thin ice...
He is very sweet, very kind and seems like a pretty smart guy.
Problematically... he was hired to do my job several months back...then there was a reorg, his boss left, and he was supposed to move to a slightly different role. His new boss-the ESTJ-kept him in the same role.
Thus we now have two people trying to do the same job, where only one is needed-so we get to be a team. He has very little experience doing the job, and I have over 5 years at another company.
To be honest, I have spent a great deal of time convincing myself that I was the person with the problem, that I felt there was some competition out of my own Te insecurity and trying to make a good impression in my new job, perhaps even being too bossy or maybe being a bit too baby Te in my ambitions in the position....but I am now pretty convinced he is doing some passive aggressive things.
Recognizing he and I have been placed in a very awkward situation, I have tried to be very, very careful to call us a team, include him on every single email, clear everything I do with him, and be certain to give him recognition on things he has done.
He "forgets" to invite me to certain meetings or to calls. He doesn’t copy me on emails. He doesn’t refer to a team, but instead will claim the job title for himself, unless he knows I am sitting there with him listening...
He has not shared a great deal of info I asked for. I didn’t realize how drastic this was till a new employee started and needed the same info and I overheard their convo-he had "forgotten" a great deal of resources that I needed...
He is very uninterested in learning about the technical aspects of the product-while I am drowning in tech documents and learning everything I can about the deep dive technical aspects, he actually seems offended that I would choose to do this. He has actually huffed at me about it. However then I will explain things to him-then later he repeats my explanation verbatim when asked about the topic, never mentioning it was my work to understand the technical data.
In meetings he has often taken the portion of content he actually understands and spoken to it, then thrown me the content neither of us understands, making me look stupid.
He alternates between being really nice and then saying douchebaggy sorts off hand, then claiming he is just being sarcastic.
Perhaps the worst thing is that if I ask him a question, he shuts me down with a very short response-accompanied by a very Fi heavy vibe of "That really isn’t relevant or needed, or wanted". He will often say "that's already been taken care of and decided" like I am butting in, when in reality, people are totally pissed as it isn’t being taken care of and are coming to me.
Any critique of his work or decision is met with this same pinched angry Fi angst, then later he recants and accepts the advice and changes course.
The Fi vibe is the ABSOLUTE worst, as it hits me as though the value I offer is irrelevant and not wanted. He made me cry-I NEVER cry, not in 8 years being married to an ISTP, did I cry...but this person made me cry.
Also, he will treat really weird stuff as a competition-like assignments form our boss. He doesn’t work with me, and if she chooses his template or recognizes his efforts on something, he actually cheers or is sure to point out how she liked it better. The day he cheered about getting an email to her first, after he told me, we needed to work separately on the same assignment; I gathered my stuff and left....WTF? Whenever he sees me doing something independently, he goes "well, I mean I already did that when I first started...†Then why am I wasting my time repeating it???
He also does this crazy ass thing, where I will start to do some task as he doesn’t have any interest, then he suddenly jumps in and races to finish it before me...I am like WTF, you can do it if you want to, but don’t waste my time by not being clear about it. It's like trying to pass somebody on the highway, then having them speed up to stop you....
He will sort of flaunt how much the team likes him-rightfully so as he is a really nice person to them, but he makes sure to point it out all the time. He also gets in "nice" companions with me, like racing to get another person information before I can-so we both look like tools for getting them the same info...
************************************************** *****
So I figure a lot of this is the weirdness of the position and both of our insecurity. I kind of ranted about the above-He REALLY is a nice guy-His weird, insecure behaviors seem to be intermittent, most days okay or even really nice, but some days pretty bad, likely much of it stressed induced. I don’t want to be mean to him and I want to work as a team with him, so please forgive if I sounded frustrated above. I am sort of at my wits end...
Can you guys give me feedback or suggestions as to how to let him know I am not a threat? Also, should I be ignoring some of these behaviors, as internal to him?
Any critique or guidance would be awesome... Argh... it is emotionally wearing.