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[INFJ] Can you really know an INFJ?

amelie

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May 23, 2009
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110
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XNFJ
I'm wondering if this is an I thing or an NF thing or what...

I've seen several NFJ's talk on the board about others thinking that we regard them as besties when we are just being nice, and then suddenly, you have a problem. So I'm figuring that's kind of normal for my type. But recently, I've been pretty stunned at some of the assumptions my friends (not good friends, mind you, but people I hang out with) make about me. For example, that I never drink alcohol, and that I'm very conservatively religious.

Both of those things are laughably untrue (not that there is anything wrong with either one, but they totally are not me). I only discovered this when I found out that my "friends" were drinking and trying to avoid letting me see them drinking, and then finally they offered me a virgin drink. I have friends I have happy hours and things with - but they are my really close friends. I think it's bizarre that these people would make an assumption without asking me about it, but I also just think it's very odd to know someone for a couple of years and have them know so little about who I really am.

I'm so curious as to what kind of a thought process would go into something like that. Is it some type of weird projection of self? If so, could that also explain why some people take our type as BFF's when we are really not all that into someone else and just being nice?

Does this happen to you? (NFJ's or other types) and if so, how do you handle it?
 

BlackCat

Shaman
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Yes. I am an INFJ's best friend... he isn't just being nice. I'm his go to guy. He usually confides in me and in his ISTJ girlfriend. I pretty much know everything about him. I don't have any siblings, and I'd say he's the closest thing to a brother that I have.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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Sep 25, 2008
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infp
You mean the intensity I get off of INFJ's when we meet and the electricity sparks that start flying, and the conversation just won't stop flowing, isn't because we are besties? :cry:

Oh, and I LOL'ed at your friends hiding alcohol from you, that's hilarious. :D
 

amelie

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May 23, 2009
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XNFJ
You mean the intensity I get off of INFJ's when we meet and the electricity sparks that start flying, and the conversation just won't stop flowing, isn't because we are besties? :cry:

There have been a few people that I hit it off with very well from the start - they slip past the armor way faster than other people. ENFP's and ENFJ's tend to be the most likely types. There's just kind of an instant connect that isn't there with other types.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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That happens all the time to me, although often in the opposite direction. I am conservatively religious and don't drink and since I am not openly judgemental of acquaintance friends that I am not close to, they may even mistake me for an anarchist, hippy, vegan, free spirit, pot user, or whatever else they happen to be that I'm not. I have people that I've casually known for 5 years who live in the same small teacher village (about 50 people) as me, go to all the same parties and gatherings, and work with me, yet expressed surprise this year to find out that I didn't drink when they offered me a beer and to come over to their house with a group of people to smoke up. On the other hand, other people are horribly shocked to hear me use double entendres or say something they wouldn't have expected to come out of me.

I'm not ashamed to express my views and feel fairly comfortable with defending them, although I don't hit people over the head with them. It kind of amuses me to see all the of the different personas people have attributed to me, from far more conservative to far more liberal than I actually am. I think that while we are not chameleons, we are fairly tolerant and not immediately judgemental which may be interpreted as being quite liberal. On the other hand, we do deliberate over our actions and have a strong set of personal values, which some may mistake for being very conservative or careful.

Generally anyone who knows me well knows who I am. I do become exasperated with the amount of people who just perceive me as generically nice, when in reality I am able to stand up for myself, am not naive, and am fairly opinionated. So far, I haven't found any particular method of combatting the problem.
 

amelie

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XNFJ
Yes. I am an INFJ's best friend... he isn't just being nice. I'm his go to guy. He usually confides in me and in his ISTJ girlfriend. I pretty much know everything about him. I don't have any siblings, and I'd say he's the closest thing to a brother that I have.

That's cool - I do have a handful of long-standing friendships with people who know me really well, and they are my BEST friends, and they are like family. I bet you've known him a long time?

But then there are still the other people, who are friends, but not deep, long-standing friends, who just really don't get me at all. They apparently think they do, but they aren't even close. The lack of understanding there was pretty shocking, and a little disconcerting. I'm thinking these women were ISFP and INTP's? I would think the INTP would get me a little better? :doh:
 

amelie

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May 23, 2009
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Fidelia, this is exactly what I'm talking about! Thank you! Exasperation pretty much captures it. I just don't understand how I can be around these people as often as I am and be so completely misunderstood. It also makes me wonder if I'm that far off the mark at times, but that doesn't fit well with my experience.
 

BlackCat

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That's cool - I do have a handful of long-standing friendships with people who know me really well, and they are my BEST friends, and they are like family. I bet you've known him a long time?

But then there are still the other people, who are friends, but not deep, long-standing friends, who just really don't get me at all. They apparently think they do, but they aren't even close. The lack of understanding there was pretty shocking, and a little disconcerting. I'm thinking these women were ISFP and INTP's? I would think the INTP would get me a little better? :doh:

Yeah I've known him for about five years. We met in school in home room, and we didn't really have anyone we liked to talk to in school, just some acquaintances. He didn't have any real friends. That included those in the homeroom classroom that we were in that we would have until we graduated. He was wearing a shirt with a Legend of Zelda symbol on it, so I was like "hey cool this guy is a gamer too", and I just sat down next to him and we hit it off very quickly even though he was shy at first. It's precisely as you put it, like family. We bonded at first through playing together in video games against people and getting better together. Then we moved up to competitive playing together. You tend to talk a lot while doing this, because a bunch of silence isn't all that great. We both noticed how shockingly similar we seemed, and that it was nice having someone that understood. It was a feeling of safety almost, like I could trust him with anything and he could trust me with anything. But then we learned about MBTI (we took the test together the same day at my house when we were screwing around on the internet) and then realized that we were also very different.

It's hilarious when we interact with other people that don't know him as well, because like you said they think that they do. And I can tell. And the vibes I get from him tell me that he feels kinda awkward about it- JUST like you do! :laugh:

Yes I would think that the INTP would get it more.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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I think some of the more extroverted types also tend to perpetuate those misconceptions about us and others who also don't know us very well just assume they're right since they have little evidence one way or the other. This is especially frustrating about people who like to exert power or control.

I had someone very close to me that I worked with who also had a job in the school that allowed for considerably more proximity to others and socializing than I had. He used to say things to my administrators and other people at school like, "She wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful of it" etc which was not only insulting, but very inaccurate. It was especially maddening because he was close to me, so others assumed that he knew!
 

Lightyear

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That happens all the time to me, although often in the opposite direction. I am conservatively religious and don't drink and since I am not openly judgemental of acquaintance friends that I am not close to, they may even mistake me for an anarchist, hippy, vegan, free spirit, pot user, or whatever else they happen to be that I'm not.


Ha ha I can so relate to that! :) I have done a lot of travelling and though I am not a hippy (and don't want to be one) I like the company of alternative, slightly off-the-wall people, for example one of my travels led me to the very free-spirited Burning Man Festival in the Nevada desert, I went there simply because I like these kind of people and the art and the openness of the place. On the other hand I am a strongly believing Christian (the only one in a family of atheists), I don't believe in having sex before marriage, I have never been drunk (which doesn't have that much to do with being religious, I just couldn't be arsed) etc so I must seem quite contradictory to people, one side might accuse me of not really being true to my faith (yes I am) while the other side is astounded when they hear that I have quite a few conservative views.

But I have no problems with being contradictory, somehow my character and approach to life make sense to me and I guess that the few people who are truly good friends of mine get me.
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
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Ha ha I can so relate to that! :) I have done a lot of travelling and though I am not a hippy (and don't want to be one) I like the company of alternative, slightly off-the-wall people, for example one of my travels led me to the very free-spirited Burning Man Festival in the Nevada desert, I went there simply because I like these kind of people and the art and the openness of the place. On the other hand I am a strongly believing Christian (the only one in a family of atheists), I don't believe in having sex before marriage, I have never been drunk (which doesn't have that much to do with being religious, I just couldn't be arsed) etc so I must seem quite contradictory to people, one side might accuse me of not really being true to my faith (yes I am) while the other side is astounded when they hear that I have quite a few conservative views.

But I have no problems with being contradictory, somehow my character and approach to life make sense to me and I guess that the few people who are truly good friends of mine get me.

Yes, I can relate to a lot of that. I think it is possible to know us quite well but not many people take the time and effort, and it takes both of those. People who know of my seriousness and love of literature are sometimes astonished that I love a good rock concert too...I mean, what's with that? Why is it such a surprise??
 

Lauren Ashley

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INFJs keep many things to themselves; they won't even share with their close friends. I think it's the fear of absolute exposure. INFJs hold their passions dearly, and wouldn't want them to be up for others to scrutinize. Also, an INFJ may never speak about themselves unless asked, so a person who rarely inquires will know little to nothing about the INFJ's true thoughts. People assume INFJs are more uptight than they are because they present a "no nonsense" face to the world at large.

I just let others believe what they want. I find it amusing. As for the BFF title, that does happen to me very often with those that I am friends with, but not that close with. I have very tough criteria for someone being named BFF (or so it seems, since I've rarely called someone that). I can have a lot of fun with a person and speak with them about many subjects, but that doesn't make them my best friend. I can, however, care about them deeply.
 

Journey

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Believe it or not this used to happen a lot with my sister who was 8 years older than me and thought she knew me like a book. She didn't have a clue. She would say "You like this or that to me," kind of like convincing me that I did. She did this for most of my life and I let her do it because that was who she was to me. (ESFJ) She never did understand me, but finally in her last years began to give me presents that I actually liked. So she grew in knowledge of me towards the end. That is a neat memory. I loved her dearly and understood her inside and out.
 
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Phantonym

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Oh, yes, I know the feeling very well. People who are supposed to be close to me, well because we've been interacting for years, always tell me that they know exactly how I operate and list the things that: "Oh, you're like this and this and this and you don't do things like this and this and you're like this overall." This always leaves me puzzled because they're so wrong, come on, you're supposed to know me by now.
My guess is that they honestly believe that the side of me they see is the only side of me whereas I'm always aware of how many different side there are in me. And even if they see my other sides, they think that it's some sort of an abnormality and brush it off very quickly. It's not that I deliberately keep things from other people, I just mostly fail to voice things that seem so obvious to me and I think this is the pitfall people seem to stumble into.

Also, an INFJ may never speak about themselves unless asked, so a person who rarely inquires will know little to nothing about the INFJ's true thoughts. People assume INFJs are more uptight than they are because they present a "no nonsense" face to the world at large.

I just let others believe what they want. I find it amusing.

Yes. Speaking about myself unless inquired is a rare occasion. This forum might be an exception but in real life, unless you ask, I won't tell. I actually might talk about myself to prompt other people to talk about themselves but the information I give out is not that conclusive.

I too let others believe what they want and I'm mostly amused by it but from time to time it gets frustrating because it always seems that I'm the one making more effort to sustain a friendship and care more about them than they do about me.
 

thisGuy

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Oh, yes, I know the feeling very well. People who are supposed to be close to me, well because we've been interacting for years, always tell me that they know exactly how I operate and list the things that: "Oh, you're like this and this and this and you don't do things like this and this and you're like this overall." This always leaves me puzzled because they're so wrong, come on, you're supposed to know me by now.
My guess is that they honestly believe that the side of me they see is the only side of me whereas I'm always aware of how many different side there are in me. And even if they see my other sides, they think that it's some sort of an abnormality and brush it off very quickly. It's not that I deliberately keep things from other people, I just mostly fail to voice things that seem so obvious to me and I think this is the pitfall people seem to stumble into.



Yes. Speaking about myself unless inquired is a rare occasion. This forum might be an exception but in real life, unless you ask, I won't tell. I actually might talk about myself to prompt other people to talk about themselves but the information I give out is not that conclusive.

I too let others believe what they want and I'm mostly amused by it but from time to time it gets frustrating because it always seems that I'm the one making more effort to sustain a friendship and care more about them than they do about me.



wanna know something wierd...i could have written that


i find that part about people thinking they know me but completely misreading me to be more true with Ss
 
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Phantonym

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wanna know something wierd...i could have written that

i find that part about people thinking they know me but completely misreading me to be more true with Ss

Haha. Great minds ;) And you're right, I had a bunch of S's in mind when I wrote that part but I get that with N's as well.
 

Usehername

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I have a question now about my INFJ professor that goes out of her way to mentor me, inviting me to her office a few times over the summer, etc. (I also had the highest mark in her courses this past year so she respects me for that). She's gone on small story explosions about herself :)wubbie:) a few of the many times that I go to talk with her in her office and I know I get more a more candid version of her than almost any other person at university incl. faculty, though she knows a lot more about me than I do about her (which is appropriate for our professor-student relationship).

She's a typical over-achiever INFJ who is guarded with most, and we have a lot of things in common. I've noticed we occasionally project things into each other in our areas of difference, but the two times I did this to her, she emailed back saying, "you should know me" and that I should know she wouldn't be feeling xyz, and my impression was that she seemed slightly crushed that I can't just completely "get" her.

Do you think that it's (a) I'm being like these other people in the thread and she's mildly annoyed with me or (b) she and I probably click enough that she is disappointed when there's an area that's lacking understanding.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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From what I know of you, ma'am, I would choose option B.
 

Synarch

Once Was
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Can anyone know anyone else? Can we know ourselves? What does it mean to know someone?

Knowledge is a lie about a lie.
 

Lauren Ashley

Revelation
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I have a question now about my INFJ professor that goes out of her way to mentor me, inviting me to her office a few times over the summer, etc. (I also had the highest mark in her courses this past year so she respects me for that). She's gone on small story explosions about herself :)wubbie:) a few of the many times that I go to talk with her in her office and I know I get more a more candid version of her than almost any other person at university incl. faculty, though she knows a lot more about me than I do about her (which is appropriate for our professor-student relationship).

She's a typical over-achiever INFJ who is guarded with most, and we have a lot of things in common. I've noticed we occasionally project things into each other in our areas of difference, but the two times I did this to her, she emailed back saying, "you should know me" and that I should know she wouldn't be feeling xyz, and my impression was that she seemed slightly crushed that I can't just completely "get" her.

Do you think that it's (a) I'm being like these other people in the thread and she's mildly annoyed with me or (b) she and I probably click enough that she is disappointed when there's an area that's lacking understanding.

Definitely B. She probably felt that you understood her very well, so she was disappointed.
 
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