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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2015

    Default Help! How INTP treat friend/crush differently

    I am a ENFJ female and I met a INTP male three years ago when we participated in a university programme. We got along really well since we first met and always end up being the two having heated debate on concepts and theories in group setting. For this reason, people made fun of us as being couple-y from the very beginning. After the end of the programme, we kept contact via texting and got even closer. During the summer last year, our group originally planned to go on a trip together. However, people dropped out at last minute. I told him I still wanted to go and whether he wanted to join me. He said yes. We ended up going to the trip by ourselves secretly while all of our friends thought the trip was cancelled. It was actually the first time that we spent time alone since all the previous encounters were in group setting. Although nothing physical happened during the trip (hmm..a bit of arm link maybe), everything we did were VERY couple-y (sharing money and food including ice-cream, star-gazing, watching sunsets and sunrise) and basically all people we met along the trip thought we were a pair (neither of us negated or confirmed it). After returning from the trip, he needed to go aboard for 1-year study of master. I asked him out for lunch in the name of farewell, which turned out well. During the past year, despite 8-hour time zone difference, we managed to continue our in-depth conversations via texting(around 1-2 times per week, 2-3 hours each).

    Now, finally, he was back and started working in September. I asked him out once again in the name of passing him some souvenirs after a trip. The whole thing was very much date-like: candle-lit dinner ( I chose the restaurant but he did the booking), followed by a 2-hour stroll along harbour side (though I suggested it since it was close by). Everything went super well actually. Still, there was no follow-up on his side.

    We communicate regularly now. He rarely initiates. I guess I initiate 80% of the text conversation, but once I sent the first text, he got all excited and we ended up talking for 2-3 hours every time. In terms of frequency, we may have 1-2 hour conversation per 2-3 days when he is not that busy, or a 3-hour conversation every 5 days when he is busier. In terms of content, he really opens up to me, including very delicate family issues, contrasting his aloofness when I first knew him. I must say he cares deeply for me as well. A few months back, I broke my leg when I was travelling aborad and was forced to stay at my residence. He entertained me by texting me for 6 hours (7pm-1am). I can confidently say that we are at least really really close friends. (though none of us has ever address each other as "friend" in our conversation somehow) He will basically answer any information that I ask for. But as I pointed out above, he never asked me out. The only occasions that we were out alone (the trip, the farewell lunch, and the dinner for passing souvenir) were all initiated by me. Neither did he initiated any physical touch. (but I know he is the reserved kind and he always claim he will only have sex after marriage)

    So, I am very confused now. With the precious friendship at stake, I do not want to scare him by any overt act - like confessing outright or climbing all over him. I respect his freedom and enjoy our platonic friendship so far. Yet, emotionally, I know I am falling hard for him. These days, the thought of this occupies my mind a lot and I am very desperate for a way out. We are both in our mid-20s (I am 23 and he is 25), from relatively reserved Asian families. Neither of us have any official relationship before.

    I know as ENFJ I may try to dramatize things so I am trying to present all the facts in the most objective way possible. Please advise me as to whether I am just a close friend to him or is it something more. And what should I do next. I feel like my sanity is at risk these days and the conclusion is he is just treating me as close friend and INTP are good to friends, I probably well cut contact for a while before my heart can return to the normal track.

    All your input and comment will be highly appreciated!!!

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2015


    Hii, i am a female INTP, I don't think i can be of much help, but i would say he likes you. Maybe you could, very slowly so he doesn't get scared (i would freak out), try more physical things, nothing too big and not making a big deal about it,something like touching his arm or shoulder, and just see how he responds (check his body language).

    That is all i can think about.

    BTW, your story is so cute Good Luck

    Edit: I am not an expert or anything so don't take this advice too seriously.

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