This thing about ‘fixing’ feelings- there a many ways this could be interpreted (and in threads like this I think it causes problems because everyone throws their own specific interpretation in the pot without clarifying and it causes misunderstanding- which is what I suspect [MENTION=8244]Eilonwy[/MENTION] was trying to point out). When I say I feel compelled to ‘fix’, I mean if someone walks into the room and complains about something- I hear it as a directive, as a call to action, unless I’m familiar enough with the person to know they don’t want anything ‘fixed’ they just want to express some kind of feeling about it (?), or something, and
then I have no problem with tuning it out. The autoplay thread is a good example of this- I don’t really understand the point of expressing a strong opinion and sticking to it without any expectation for that opinion to make some kind of difference in the external environment…..but according to other things said in that thread, apparently the purpose of expressing it is simply to express it?
In the last relationship I was in, it became a sort of running joke- this person would vent and I’d draw a blank expression and say “there, there†in a monotone voice while patting their back…..it was like a reminder that I had absolutely no idea what they were expecting to hear, all I knew is that my usual “well you could try this†or “maybe this person just wanted [points out other possible viewpoints]†was WRONG. It always made this person laugh, they knew it was the best I could do and it did somehow make them feel better (even though it sounded totally robotic).
There are definitely ways in which someone trying to ‘fix’ my feelings can exacerbate me, too. Like today- my dad spent the day teaching me how to replace the radiator in my car. There were moments I was frustrated- but it’s a good kind of frustrated, it’s just part of the process of learning something and figuring out a puzzle. My ENFJ mom parked herself in a lawn chair a few feet away from the car and the moment I had a puzzled look on my face she’d jump in with “what’s wrong?†and all sorts of questions- it drives me bonkers when people do that. It’s rewarding to figure stuff out, but it basically sucks the enjoyment out of the process for me if I have to stop and articulate every single thing I’m trying to figure out. To her- it’s ‘uncaring’ to let someone look troubled without trying to jump in to help
- even if she knows absolutely nothing about cars and can’t begin to actually help, she feels compelled to jump in and encourage someone to articulate every single moment’s pause about what’s frustrating. This is something I don’t even begin to understand, yet the experience of silently needing to figure something out without interruption must be so foreign to
her that she can’t wrap her mind around it being 100% nuisance to perpetually have my frustration pointed out to me. I’ve tried explaining the frustration goes away by itself once I figure something out- and that “talking about it†is counterproductive (and
more frustrating) because it’s infinitely easier for me to figure things out than to explain every single thing that stumps me (even to people who are fully versed in car repair and CAN help- I have to figure out as much as I can on my own, then ask specific questions about that which I can’t…..too much interference and my mind bonks and can’t get anything done). It’s so annoying that I usually avoid working on anything around her, or around anyone with this tendency, but today I didn’t have a choice. People who tend to ‘jump in’ and either ask what’s wrong or start barking directions at me the very second I pause to figure something out drive me absolutely bonkers. I absolutely can not think AND listen at the same time.
So I guess- for me personally- when someone is actually
articulating some kind of dissent, I *hear* some request to help fix the problem (unless I’ve previously learned this person is an exception- I really
can totally tune it out without expectations, I just might need to be reminded occasionally). But if someone is simply feeling something in my presence I tread a lot more carefully because I’m all too aware that simply feeling something doesn’t even begin to qualify for ‘call to action’ (according to my experience).
Hmm...interesting. I've had trouble from family members with this. I find myself reacting poorly when someone tries to 'fix' my feelings. Only knowing that they mean well keeps me from going off. Sometimes it didn't help because they insisted they were going to make me feel better and would become upset when I didn't appreciate their efforts or want their comfort. I don't like to be pushed out of whatever I'm feeling at that moment...it needs to go away on its own or I need time to work my way out of it. Occasionally, I may seek comfort or better yet, a "what do you think?" kind of feedback. So, if I'm grumpy in the morning (or any other time), just leave me alone until I'm better. Asking for feedback is even trickier. I almost always end up wishing that I had kept quiet. It's usually because I feel misunderstood and figure that such things belong inside of me.
I don’t know if this is what you mean, but it’s actually a big pet peeve of mine when someone expects me to feel something different because it’s taxing
on them to be around me while I’m feeling something they don’t want me to feel. It can actually make me quite angry- especially if I’m told it’s ‘selfish’ or whatnot. I really see that as more the other person’s problem and I don’t have much patience with it. Waking up slowly is a good example, nothing makes me grumpier than asking me a bunch of questions or simply talking at me non-stop while I’m waking up. If someone can’t handle being around me and just letting me feel what I’m feeling, then I can’t handle having that person around me. I really think it’s just selfish to *need* other people to feel a certain way. That might be the e5 space/feeling/time/attention hoarder in me, though. I can handle people *trying* to make me feel better
and appreciate their attempt, but it doesn’t always work (I also often feel misunderstood and can regret even trying to talk it out) and as soon as they get angry because it’s not working like they want it to…..I avoid them like the plague. I’m pretty self conscious of a sour mood around people I’m not familiar with- but I expect a certain amount of elbow room with those who have been around me a lot more and whom I must spend time around. As I get to know people, that’s when I start setting my boundaries and if I start hearing about how it’s selfish or whatever (needing me to feel something I’m not feeling) then I find their presence too menacing to be around.