Apologizing

[Frosty]

How do you view it?

How do you do it?

Do you do it? Do you do it often?

How do you value the act?

Id post more but I dont want to. I talked about it just 5 minutes ago, but I want this thread to be as unbiased as possible really. Not based off of my sentimentality. I am curious.

 

[Dyslexxie]

I'm comfortable being wrong and I can admit when I fucked up so I have no issues with apologizing. I wish others didn't as well. Just because you're wrong doesn't mean you're an awful person!

 

[miss fortune]

I apologize compulsively for things that couldn't even be my fault

I also apologize for things that are my fault... once I've realized that it actually was my fault

telling me that I HAVE to apologize though does not tend to work because I suddenly become very un-sorry

 

[Hawthorne]

Similar to [MENTION=1180]whatever[/MENTION] in that I will sincerely apologize for things that are my fault once I understand why. Things like accidentally bumping or tripping people automatically get them.

I will also insincerely apologize for things that aren't my fault because it either shuts people up or is easy to twist back on them if they call out my insincerity.

I don't think I've had to apologize for anything lately though.

 

[Yama]

I don't like when people apologize to me because it makes me feel bad and usually I don't really think other people do anything wrong most of the time, it makes me uncomfortable.

I don't mind apologizing to others, I probably do so more than I really need to and sometimes people get annoyed with me for it. I really don't like fucking up so when I do I want to make sure everyone involved knows that I really really mean it.

 

[fetus]

When I was really little I apologized to my bullies (for what?) so they would be stop being mean to me.

I'm better about it now. I don't apologize for literally everything anymore. Yes, I'm still quick to apologize - and to forgive - but I don't really see that as a bad quality.

 

[Santosha]

I over-apologized much of my life, and now I consider things a lot before doing so, and only with sincerity.
If my feelings/thoughts/actions are in alignment, I wont apologize for them no matter how hard it is for someone else to swallow. But, a lot of this goes back to me believing that people are in control of their own feelings, the thoughts that inform them and perspectives they hold (as conscious or unconscious of it they may be). You could say I value authenticity over harmony. Which gets really tricky, because it goes back to what authenticity is, and how you can ever be what you are not.

With enough understanding, an apology becomes unnecessary, for me. It is in the understanding that all people are trying to achieve similar things, but going about it in different ways. That people do harmful things because they are pinched-off from their 'higher self'. That it is more important for people to freely be who they are, than to even remotely hinder it by others expectations, because it splits their energy and everything they touch in that state is affected. But I realize this goes against the grain, and against what many people feel are the glue to social relations.

 

[uumlau]

Apologizing too much just cheapens the apology when it's really needed. Most minor issues just need a "sorry" or "excuse me" or "my mistake" and nothing more. Most people accept these as sufficient.

When you do something really wrong, like breaking your word, like letting down someone who was really counting on you, like making someone feel bad when they didn't deserve it, like doing anything really awful and realizing you want to take it back ... when it's that bad, you own it, you say it's your fault, you do what you can to make it up to the other person, and you ask the person if there is anything else you can do.

Oh, and when it's that bad, and you've apologized, the apology wasn't real if you end up doing the same kinds of things again.

 

[ceecee]

How do you view it? If it's sincere and doesn't have to be repeated, I'd good with it. It's rather irritating when people constantly apologize, though.

How do you do it? I say - I'm sorry and I don't let it happen again.

Do you do it? Do you do it often? When I need to apologize, I do. No, not often.

How do you value the act? Like I said, if it's sincere, and if the act isn't repeated, I value it. If it's insincere and the act that caused it is repeated, the apology is irrelevant.

 

[Coriolis]

I don't so much apologise as admit when I was wrong, and try to fix whatever mistake I made, or make it up to someone I may have offended. Actions speak louder than words. Of course I will say "I'm sorry" or "excuse me" if I do simple things like bump into someone in the grocery store line, but I see that as more of a social courtesy than a true apology.

 

[Pionart]

I apologise a lot, largely for the purpose of clearing up misunderstanding, e.g. if I bump into someone when walking I will apologise, in case they thought I did it intentionally out of arrogance or something.

I think it's fine when people apologise to me, I think it fosters good relations, but yeah if someone apologises and I didn't even know why they were apologising it can make me a bit confused/angry.

edit: oh, and to clear up any possible misunderstandings... the first part of my post was what I was going to say anyway, it's only coincidence that [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION] posted basically the same thing directly above, but the second part was partly motivated by [MENTION=23583]21lux[/MENTION]'s post.

 

[geedoenfj]

How do you view it?

How do you do it?

Do you do it? Do you do it often?

How do you value the act?

Id post more but I dont want to. I talked about it just 5 minutes ago, but I want this thread to be as unbiased as possible really. Not based off of my sentimentality. I am curious.

How do I do it?
I reach to the person and talk about it either personally or sending a message, with no justifications for my actions, but also with pointing out politely the other person's mistakes for that matter (if there are any), but if it is my father or my mother I would put the whole fault upon my shoulders, even if they were entirely wrong, because these people are the reason that I exist in this planet..

Do I do it? Yes, is it often? Yes because when I'm mad at people they unfortunately get to know it from my face expressions and voice tone before I even realize that I have these emotions, and they often get offended so I have to continuously apologize for my out of control expressive Fe, it's seriously annoying..

How do I value the act? I think it's brave, it takes a lot of strength, I respect people who apologize..

 

[kyuuei]

How do you view it?

As a necessary way of being around others. You're going to fuck up, others are going to fuck up, and you have to make things right. Apologizing is cheaper than many other ways of making things right.

How do you do it?

A few ways.
My first way I learned was by doing something. I didn't explicitly say sorry, I just.. did a thing to fix it somehow. I learned this from my dad, and that's how he does things. It isn't very efficient, and I do a lot of work only to discover that fixing someone's thing does not equate to fixing the other thing.
Then I have my... work, professional, indirect sorry. "Thank you for understanding." "I appreciate your waiting, I know it took a while." "I was rushed earlier, but I'm sorry if I came across as brash earlier." It isn't quite a true feeling, emotional sorry.. so I have no trouble saying it.

Then the minor misunderstand apologies. "Oh, I'm sorry.. I thought you said 3:00! Oops!" "Oh, I didn't see you there!" The ditzy things that don't really matter. Again, I don't feel much genuine emotion behind it, it's more a communication tactic. I acknowledge I got a wrong message, while understanding communication works as a two-lane road. So, a sorry is okay here.

Then.. Just apologizing for something I did wrong. Really sucks. Like. Super sucks. I beat the shit out of myself.. and the apology just stands for all of the awful things I'll say/think to myself for fucking up badly enough to truly apologize. "I invalidated the way you feel, which is something I despise in others, and I hurt your feelings in the process which feels just awful.. On top of that, you'll be less likely to confide in me about things later. I'm so so sorry." I just can't .. do it right away. I get angry--at the situation, at myself, at everything. I can get there.. I'm getting better about it slowly. But I still can't come to that acknowledgment right away. Ego-protecting bullshit in the way there. So, I have to get angry, then super depressed and emo, and then apologize and feel shitty for a while.

How do you value the act?

Apologizing is the best thing you can do for yourself and others. Humbling yourself to truly apologizing, and meaning that apology.. it's an incredibly hard thing to do. Not the bullshit "oops!" sorrys.. but a true, genuine I-fucked-up-and-just-saying-that-isn't-enough apology. It's challenging, and it tests all of your own biases and thoughts. Which, of course, means I value it highly yet despise it in the immediate act. I always feel better (eventually, after I get over the emo part of it) after I've done it.

And it can be sooo hard. Apologizing to a person is SO easy to not do--pawn it off on any number of stupid illogical emotional biases. "Oh he was a jerk once, so I'll just take off a jerk point (but not really because I gave him a million)." "Oh, she didn't really care anyways so I won't really bother." "Oh, they know that's how I am and how I do things, so I don't need to say them words out loud they know how I do. All sorry like and all." "Well, they were a jerk last week, so I'll stop being angry about that and decide not to apologize and communicate nothing of this with them." "How can they expect me to be sorry about that?! It was out of my hands! Sure I could have done something but hindsight is 20/20."

There's a lot of garbage people tend to throw at apologies. But they're super important. Knowing when you truly fuck up and acknowledging that to others is probably an important way to not be a fuck up in the future and also keep relationships together.

 

[Amargith]

How do you view it?

As a signal. It's a way to indicate that you're willing to respect and take the other person's perspective into account on this matter and that you feel bad about slipping up on that. It's also a way to smooth any ruffled feathers, start fresh and on the same page and go from there.

How do you do it?

Saying the words I'm sorry, followed by an explanation as to why I went about things the way I did and that I acknowledge now in hindsight it wasn't the best way/inconsiderate.

Do you do it?

Yes.

Do you do it often?

Yes.

I tend to use one form of apologising for the smaller things in a utilitarian fashion these days - bumping into someone, or even having someone bump into me. It's a remnant from feeling non-stop like everything was my fault. Nowadays it's just the easiest and quickest way , when paired with a smile,to recover from small things like that and for both parties to go back to a place where the interaction is pleasant.

And of course, for bigger things I reserve the heartfelt apology.

How do you value the act?

I value it if it's sincere. I also don't need it from a person, depending on what it is they did. All I want to do is understand why they did what they did - which is why a 'proper' apology of the 'say you're sorry!' variety is useless and not acceptable to me. I don't care about community rules - what I care about is the relationship between you and me. So, tell me, what did you mean when you did 'x'? What did it mean to you?

And then I want to renegotiate that situation in case of future situations, so we both can feel comfortable, be ourselves and navigate each others boundaries with ease. The words 'I'm sorry' are quite useless in accomplishing that.

That said, they do have use when it comes to measuring awareness and level of empathy in people. If they're uttered sincerely, it at least shows a level of empathic awareness, which I can appreciate in people. I'll usually reply with 'there's no need for that' and then dive into how to rectify the situation for the future. That awareness alone is enough for me to forgive and forget.


I also refuse to utter the words if I feel I wasn't in the wrong on more important matters - especially if I'm being bullied into it. This happens especially when others put expectations on me that I never agreed to in the first place - or assume that I should adhere the 'cultural expectations' and they're entitled to me following those rules. These days, I'll give a heads up, with a new friendship, on the cultural expectations I do *NOT* live up to, so they cannot claim that I didn't inform them about this.

Meanwhile, once the damage is done, I'll explain, I'll try to build a bridge, I'll try to understand how it was offensive to them so I can go out of my way in the future to avoid threading on their personal space, but I won't apologise unless I genuinely feel I was wrong. And then I'll do it in a heart beat.

And yes, I ve been known to fully and utterly apologise once I understood why it was offensive to them - often, because I should've *known* and be more considerate. And *that* is something I definitely value enough to uphold and apologise for when I fail at it.

 

[/DG/]

Most people don't apologize because they mean it, but because they got caught doing something viewed as "wrong," so they do it to save face. Pisses me off and is worse than not apologizing at all.

 

[Ghost]

How do you view it?

It sucks. I don't like making apologies because it feels like I'm losing something when I do. I don't like receiving them because it's awkward and unnecessary 95% of the time.

How do you do it?

I grudgingly say "You were right. I was wrong." I don't like saying sorry when something unfortunate happens to someone because it feels weird. I do like it for occasions when you bump into someone or things like that. The polite "sorry" for accidents. Those don't bother me.

Do you do it? Do you do it often?

I usually acknowledge I did or said something wrong instead of apologizing outright. I don't do it often, but it's not rare, either.

How do you value the act?

I prefer acknowledgement and an explanation over apologies. I get annoyed when people apologize for things that weren't their faults. I want them to stop being so hard on themselves. I guess formal apologies are worthwhile for some things, but people do it in a way that comes across as self-serving or disingenuous. Seems pointless.

 

[Hitoshi-San]

I apologize too much and for things I don't need to. If you bump into me, I'll be the one to apologize even when I did absolutely nothing to make you bump into me like that. But, sometimes I wonder if I actually really mean it when it comes down to something big that I'm being accused of or would otherwise be required to apologize for because I do it so much. That, and apologizing like crazy whenever my parents were pissed off at me as a kid was the only way to get me out of the situation.

I guess I've gotten better at standing my ground whenever I get into a fight with someone and then they're mad at me, and not crawling up to them begging for forgiveness. I still feel like I'm too defensive of myself sometimes though.

If someone's going to do it, it needs to be well-thought through and not lengthy whatsoever. I don't need a rambling speech on how much of an idiot you were - most of the time you're thinking I'm the idiot. I'd rather see actions speak for themselves. That isn't to say I'll hate you if you apologize to me, it's just that sometimes the person doesn't make an active effort to not do it again.

 

[Smilephantomhive]

I'm okay with apologizing over trivial things, but hate it when someone actually fucked up. It's just so awkward and doesn't even fix the problem. When I say/do something I shouldn't have I try to change myself, and hope they're okay with that.

 

[Masokissed]

I hate apologizing because I normally don't think I deserve to. I hate saying the word 'sorry' and it makes me cringe. 99% of the time it's the other person that should be apologizing, too. Things should be let go (or not) unspoken. Saying "die" won't seal the death of whoever you want to apologize to you.

 

[outofplace]

Growing up, I never heard my parents apologizing to us when they knew they were wrong. Maybe, if I heard it enough as a child it would make it so much easier for me to say it as an adult. It's a conscious effort for me to say "I'm sorry" or "I apologize for..." But I'm getting better at it. I also try to be sincere behind those words.