Well, the thing is... after thinking about it, I'm just frustrated with the way reality seems to be laid out for me.
I do see a need to go out and do something. The problem is that I just don't "get it." I don't know what it is, but it seems like whenever I go to places with a bunch of people, it seems like the entire structure has already arranged itself without including me in a major way, and a place just seems to appear in it for me to participate in a minimal, simplistic way.
I end up finding this unsatisfying, but don't see any opportunity to do things any differently, and if I try, I end up being ignored or rebuffed back into my place. It's like there's... too much structure in the wrong places, and too little structure in the right places.
The best way to describe it is that the way people connect to each other seems to make little or no sense to me. I have a very good abstract understanding of it from reading, and a very simple practical understanding of it (enough to interact with teachers, ask people for the time, and pay clerks in a store). The problem is that when I look at more casual interactions, there seem to be no reasonable patterns.
A bunch of the time, the kids just happen to have known each other since elementary school, or they're family, and that's why they're so comfortable with each other. There really are an alarming number of people who never seem to go beyond their childhood friends, their ties to family, and the dating pool.
Which is probably why it's so hard to find information on making friends... quite a few people, especially Introverted ones like me, simply don't do it and end up finding everyone they need to find through their family circle. The thing is, I don't want to be that kind of person anymore, but I've spent so much time BEING that kind of person that I don't know how to be any other way. The frustrating thing is, that if I didn't have a need that went against what my family was okay with, I probably wouldn't be considering this at all.
I'm aware that making a new friend out of a stranger involves the ability to come across as casual, but I struggle with that because I tend to appear focused, which often causes people to react to me in a manner more reminiscent of how they'd respond to being approached by a police officer or inspector than a friend. Well, not everyone, I suppose (a very few actually approach ME and seem comfortable, yet those are so few and far between enough that I can't rely on that), but enough that I'm concerned about it.
The main thing I want to figure out, is how to tell ahead of time which kind of people are open to being spoken to by strangers, and which kinds might freak out and feel threatened if someone talks to them. I really don't want to get in trouble or make people think I'm a creep... sigh. This is why I wish I had learned some of these skills earlier, when I was a kid and people expected me to screw up and learn from it... not NOW when people expect me to get serious, know what I'm doing, and take full responsibility for other people's reactions to me.
It's extremely debilitating, the weight of knowing that I'm an adult and I'm totally accountable for how other people perceive and respond to me, that ignorance isn't an acceptable excuse anymore. I don't understand how anyone can have a cheerful attitude or ever want to take any risks once they REALLY understand that...
Another thing that I find irritating is that most people seem far more comfortable with an activity focus than a focus on people themselves, and find that this is enough to facilitate connections between themselves and others. But it doesn't work well for me, because when I find myself in such situations, I seem to end up focusing totally on the assigned activity and not feeling any connection the people I interacted with during it.
I end up needing a kind of odd focus... a need to deal with people personally, but yet in a less intimate way than in a romantic relationship. Not many people seem to be able to understand that level of connection, or if they do they only seem to offer it to family members or old friends. I just don't appreciate or understand the things most people connect to each other over, or even feel the very way they connect within me. I end up having to fake it, which makes me resent my "friends" so much that I don't want to be around them anymore than I have to.
There are just... too many roadblocks for me, and it doesn't seem like I've been given a fair shot at getting experience interacting with people in the manner I'd like. I feel like I was cheated out of something I should have gotten with the help of my parents at an earlier age, and that now that I'm on my own it's too late to make up for it and I'm kind of stuck.
On some level, I feel that it would be a tremendous help if I had one friend already who would just sort of... show me the ropes, so to speak. Put things in perspective as I go through the situation so I can get a feel for things. Maybe even introduce me to people so I can get the ball rolling without coming in as an intruder/outsider. But I don't have that...