Existing in Your Head but Neurotically Cycling Through the Same Material/Activities

[Peter Deadpan]

I don't like the title of the thread but whatever. Also, it was originally in the Random Thought Thread, but it's long, and I don't really want it in my blog, so I'm dumping this crap here.

I hate that I'm not better at entertaining myself in a way that is productive, but mentally and not physically. What I mean is that I am lazy as fuck. It is my natural state - always has been and likely always will be. However, I require an excessive amount of mental input, as in I basically have to constantly be mentally occupying myself, and not at all in a way which connects me to the environment (unless I am observing human behavior) or that is particularly useful in a practical/productive way (generally).

The problem arises in that I spend my mental energy on consuming utter shit, or even more specifically, that I have a tendency to cycle through the same crap over and over and over again, sometimes literally just neurotically refreshing a screen hoping for something new and interesting to appear. It is silly because it's really not that difficult to break from that and seek something specific with the same amount of energy (or it shouldn't be). Sure, I do this when a certain curiosity pops into my head and I hop on over to Google to research something, and yet here I am, surrounded by stacks of books I bought with good intentions, many of them unread (I've committed the best to Enneagram and mushroom books, but I still need to work my way through a few of them).

Additionally, it seems as if I am borderline incapable of connecting with my environment in a concrete, immersed way. For awhile, I thought that foraging for mushrooms allowed me to do that, but usually when doing that, I was still running imaginary conversations in my head, sometimes even pretending someone was with me, or like I was filming a weird video.

This is not a new realization, but I've been paying more attention to my anxiety lately (there's been no lack of it), and trying to determine what is anxiety, what is depression, what is ADD, and what is just me but functioning at a low level. Perhaps I have just developed poorly because of life circumstances.

Maybe this doesn't even sound that odd to you all, but it describes my subjective experience during basically every waking hour. I cannot get out of my fucking head for the life of me, and I mostly don't mind that, but what's in there is boring sometimes and drives me crazy, but apparently not enough to pick up a fucking book and do something about it.

Picking something to watch on TV is 10 times worse. I will cycle through options the entire time I'm eating, lose interest, turn the TV off, and then go back to my phone.

I hate technology. And the future. I want us to be forced to go back to basics, globally.

I don't really have a specific question, so have at it.

 

[á´…eparted]

I have and do experience the exact same things as this, and it has been with me all my life. While on one side it has brought me immense joy and drive, it has also caused me intense suffering. I am uncertain as to how to change it, or if it is even changeable and instead is something I need to adapt with. Much of this I'll detail in my blog soonish as this exact concept is something I really want (and kind of need) to write out.

I have found that much of this ties to a psychological idea called absorption. Generally, it a psychological predisposition to desiring to become totally absorbed into experiences, particularly with fantasies and on a sensory level. Like any personality trait, the strength of this varies from person to person. I looked for the test one can take to determine this analytically as it seems to be measurable, but I don't think its available to the public or free, locked within the university of minnesota publishing firms. Absorption is actually just a particular trait tested on the MPQ (Multidimensional Personality Questionnaire), and this measure has had a lot verification and remains in use. Regardless, I don't really need the test to tell me where I sit on this scale as its at the extreme high end.

Out of all the things in my life that I desire, a common theme between all of them is intensity. Intensity of feeling, experience, sensory input, the extremes, the outliers. All of that stuff is inheriently interesting to me and has been as far back as I can remember. I often find myself wanting to just merge in with a feeling, idea, sensory input/state, and almost have it consume me, and me consume it. My most recent therapist frequently noted the idea of "consuming" something was a persistent theme with me in all kinds of areas, whether it was metaphorical or literal. It almost feels drug-like; I just want my "fix", but the goal post of what that is just seems to move further and further out the older I get. Over time I get used to the standard things that light me up and need something new, and there is this nagging fear that I am running out of material to find, or rather I have already found most of everything that provides me with the positive stimulation I crave and there is little left.

Over the past few years I in many ways burned out on this endless search and just sort of stopped. Few of my standard go-to's were viable anymore, or had become toxic due to factors that were beyond my control and had nothing to do with me or my actions. I thought that pulling away from things, going back to basics in many ways would sort of force me to adapt and find new things. What I discovered though is that a large portion of my issues with this is not lack of not trying hard enough to find new interests and things for me to do, but that really few things interest me anymore. I've already "finished" with things, and many new things have such a steep curve of onboarding period to something that might not even scratch the itch that it feels oppressive to try and put in the effort.

To circle back to absorption, folks who are extremely high in this trait can easily enter feedback loops that self amplify. Existing in a absorbed state can often be the end goal in itself, and thus self-sustaining. But, since it's circular and self-referncing there is a lack of depth to the experience in the sense that it's the "bottom" which leads to it becoming old rather quickly after a while, and there is a need to move on to something new. Over time, this can lead to lower and lower reserves of motivation for life, as it become unconsciously clear to the individual caught in these loops that really all they want is to exsist as a brain-in-a-vat and just experience things passively, since ultimately that is the end goal. It's not really the individuals fault, absorption is also not a bad thing either as it can provide a lot of gifts and strengths as well, often in the form of observation and analysis.

People high in absorption seem to both thrive off intensity, but also be sensitive to said intensity. Thus they tend to prefer existing in a reflective state. Under stressful conditions this reflective state (which generally isn't too compatible with the modern world) can become a source of safety and retreat and sort of become a vicious cycle.

I found a paper on this recently that explain one of the potential trappings of this. The article is written in the context of cannabis, but it is still informative to feedback loops of absorption more broadly. It's a long and at times difficult read, but I think you might find it insightful even if you haven't smoked before.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

This is particularly interesting to me because it is more reflective of how I tend to operate at baseline, with special attention to the emboldened. I've made a couple alterations to better resonate with me.

To circle back to absorption, folks who are extremely high in this trait can easily enter feedback loops that self amplify. Existing in a absorbed state can often be the end goal in itself, and thus self-sustaining. But, since it's circular and self-referncing there is a lack of depth to the experience in the sense that it's the "bottom" which leads to it becoming old rather quickly after a while, and there is a need desire to move on to something new. Over time, this can lead to lower and lower reserves of motivation for life, as it become unconsciously clear to the individual caught in these loops that really all they want is to exsist as a brain-in-a-vat and just experience things passively, since ultimately that is the end goal. It's not really the individuals fault, absorption is also not a bad thing either as it can provide a lot of gifts and strengths as well, often in the form of observation and analysis.

People high in absorption seem to both thrive off intensity, but also be sensitive to said intensity. Thus they tend to prefer existing in a reflective state. Under stressful conditions this reflective state (which generally isn't too compatible with the modern world) can become a source of safety and retreat and sort of become a vicious cycle.

 

[Population: 1]

Sounds like an isolation loop. I know from experience. If you cut yourself off from 90% of external stimuli you’re not introducing anything new to the mix. Researching etc can entertain the mind but seeing as we’re physical beings as well as intellectual ones, your body and your senses need to be challenged as well. It’s more difficult to accomplish as an extreme introvert but it’s possible.

It’s like walking or driving down the same street day in and day out. Your eyes tend to focus on the same things as you subconsciously develop a pattern of behavior in direct connection to that location. I’ve travelled the same road for decades and missed something in front of my face because over that time my mind has gone on autopilot.

Try taking a different road. Do something out of your comfort zone. I’m not suggesting anything crazy like taking a stroll through a dangerous neighborhood or going skydiving (unless you’ve always wanted to, skydive I mean), but take the next street over from the one that’s been traveled to death. I’ve found little deviations from my routine start to open up my mind. Hope that’s helpful.

Edit: It would probably help if I read prior suggestions.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Sounds like an isolation loop. I know from experience. If you cut yourself off from 90% of external stimuli you’re not introducing anything new to the mix. Researching etc can entertain the mind but seeing as we’re physical beings as well as intellectual ones, your body and your senses need to be challenged as well. It’s more difficult to accomplish as an extreme introvert but it’s possible.

It’s like walking or driving down the same street day in and day out. Your eyes tend to focus on the same things as you subconsciously develop a pattern of behavior in direct connection to that location. I’ve travelled the same road for decades and missed something in front of my face because over that time my mind has gone on autopilot.

Try taking a different road. Do something out of your comfort zone. I’m not suggesting anything crazy like taking a stroll through a dangerous neighborhood or going skydiving (unless you’ve always wanted to, skydive I mean), but take the next street over from the one that’s been traveled to death. I’ve found little deviations from my routine start to open up my mind. Hope that’s helpful.

Edit: It would probably help if I read prior suggestions.

That's definitely part of it, although I cannot for the life of me find a viable solution for my isolation. I'm simply not wired to spontaneously make friends. I also have no idea where I would do such a thing. People always suggest that I find some group or hobby where I can meet people, but where I live, the only real hobby people have is social drinking. I'm not into that. It's also difficult since I'm only available to do things half of my days because I have children. I have no family left, and no one to watch them for me, unless I want to pay a complete stranger, which I don't.

If I had a romantic partner, I'd be fine. I only need one person. But I don't, and I won't. It just seems like it's no longer an option for me because I have no outlets to meet people outside of the internet (see above reasons). I'm also worn out by failed attempts at love. I've tried murdering my romantic side, but that just makes me miserable.

I digress.

I'm sure my cognition traps are influenced by multiple factors (isolation, anxiety, depression, and personality). I'm just realizing how difficult it is to build new circuitry when a brain has been completely rewired through negative feedback loops, or any repetitive loops.

The more I heal from past traumas, or I should say learn to cope better, the more I see certain parts of me disappearing, and I am surprised by what's been left as a constant. I'm not sure I can explain that better yet other than saying my own actual personality seems to be different at baseline than I thought it was, probably because I was trapped in survival mechanisms for years after gaslighting and such.

I've become really good at observing myself with more clarity, focus, and control, so I suppose I'll just keep doing that until I'm better able to parse out what is me, what is anxiety, what is being stuck, etc.

I feel rambly and tangential right now, but it's 4 am and I am up typing with insomnia, breaking my own cardinal rule of "no screens in the middle of the night".

Look at me trying new things.

 

[Saturnal Snowqueen]

Welp, it's me. I basically live in my head this point. I've always been a daydreamy person, and there's nothing wrong with that to a point I think. But these days, I can spend hours in my head with nothing else to occupy me besides music and chatting and foruming. It's rather E9 of me I think, basically daydreaming about my idealized versions of reality. Some of it is peaceful, but I also have a crap ton of repetitive thoughts. Depressing conversations? I have them on loop for months. I relate to the part about TV-I can't decide on stuff half the time and even when I do decide on something I don't always have the attention span to watch it. Or, I'll just go back to a favorite show. The same thing goes for books. I'm always refreshing my screen waiting for the next new thing. The most thrilling thing for me these days is gaming and eating. I wanna draw and write and just blog on here but my juices are running dry.

It's probably an isolation loop indeed. In college I've been the quiet one who barely talked to anyone and I rarely went out. I don't drive right now and I've basically been sitting home all day waiting around because I've been applying for jobs but haven't gotten one yet. I don't hangout with anyone much besides seeing my grandparents once a month. It's also annoying when I feel empty and lonely but then I try to socialize with people and it feels suffocating. So, I guess my mind's been regurgitating the same stuff because I've had so little new experiences. Hopefully we can get out of the loop, but I'm a huge introvert too. My goal right now is to help out at an animal shelter so I can do something with my life and I think spending time with the animals will help me break out of my cocoon.

 

[Lord Lavender]

I can relate to this sorta thing like sometimes I just get too comfortable or lazy and get caught up in loops of doing the same thing over and over like listening to the same song for a hour on end or ordering the same exact food when I got to a place. Funny enough I tend to not rewatch or reread stuff unless I need the nostalgic comfort of it or to reexplore it with someone. For me its mostly laziness id say.

 

[Maou]

I can definitely relate to this absorption, and depression cycle. As my choice of poison is anime. I actually blogged sbout this a while back, but I called them "obsessive mergers", where I'd get absorbed into an anime so strongly that I felt I'd become part of the story/characters. It was intense and invigorating, and gave me a sense of living. I would consume all related media for days, also with a sense of dread as it came to and end, and there was no more to do. I'd fall into a depression, and apathy once more. Till another new thing comes alone, and the cycle repeats.

But over the last year, I actually learned to break outta the cycle. I did this by thinking about what hooked me into these stories to begin with. What did I like in them? I analyzed my mood and feelings. Then I turned to reality and searched for it there, instead of my head or anime. Id romantisize reality, and develop habits with it. Once you get into the groove, it gets a lot easier to focus on reality. As well as limiting how fast you go into absorption mode. Space it out, and juggle several things at once to stop yourself getting totally sucked in despite how much you hate it. Ofc I failed to maintain the habits a few times, but I kept on trying. Eventually it became rewarding to do simple things. The mind naturally prefers familiar things for it to feel happy. Thats why training yourself, and doing things out of habit with forward and positive thinking, is very important. You have to hype yourself up.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I want to be able to explain this better, but I'm not sure that I can. To represent what I am trying to get at (as in a way of baseline existing vs merely the neuroticism), many months ago, my ENTJ 7 coworker said to me randomly out of left field "you're always in your head, aren't you?". So, whatever it is about me, whatever combination of factors, it is readily apparently to others that it is a way of life for me, even at baseline. The neuroticism comes into play when I don't have something interesting to think about, or when I think about the same things but don't come to a satisfactory conclusion about something and just cycle through information, like flipping over rocks, but the same 3 rocks in a back-and-forth cycle that leads to no new insights. Then after awhile, I just feel anxious and unsatisfied, but it becomes more like an exhausting mental pacing than a physical/active anxiety. It is like I am unable to look up and out through the windows in my head and switch focus to something external and new (also indicative of my baseline perception/center of focus). Even without the neuroticism, I'm still happily in my head saying "fuck off" to the world, a solid 90+% of the time. I don't know how I ever thought I was an extrovert... I think just the need for constant mental wanderings. I'm definitely not focused on the outside world unless observing and analyzing others, or watching a movie or some shit (where I'm still likely to become internally distracted in bursts).

Does that make sense?

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I can relate to the ADD and getting stuck in loops dichotomy part of it. I'm not as good with sharing generalized ideas, but can share anecdotes in a fwiw, 'take it or leave it' way.

Dancing helped me, but when I first started I knew I couldn't focus on doing it alone because a person has to feel good enough to have initiative - both mentally and physically. At first I would go to all the classes because that outside structure helped me actually do it. Leaving is dramatic, so there is a social pressure to go through with it. Even at class sometimes I would feel a kind of stress like I couldn't focus, but there was a way I had to complete the hour because it's set up and expected to do it. I ended up spending a lot of money on redundant classes instead of just practicing on my own. When low enough, it is difficult to have unstructured initiative. I find there is a kind of hope I have to feel in order to have motivation. It has to feel possible to make things better or to become better at something or as a person. When hopelessness sets in then it is hard to get the inertia.

When I made the thread "What makes you feel good about yourself?" that was me trying to regain that feeling of hope by just noticing whatever it is and then keep doing that even if it seems indulgent and lazy. I even did it when it put me into debt. I'm teetering these days and last summer I was deeply depressed, drinking enough for it to be a problem when I lived with my aunt and uncle, and I ordered about a thousand dollars worth of bellydance costumes while drunk. I did it because it gave me a feeing of hope that something beautiful was coming in the mail on Thursday. It made me want to live until Thursday or whenever. I didn't feel pretty, but it felt like if I wore the jewelry or costume that it could help me feel prettier just like crutches help you walk when your leg is broken.

What I describe here sounds like really bad advice - getting drunk and spending money, and I'm not saying it solved my problems. There is a way though it has helped me at least in principle to focus more short-term on feeling better and being non-judgmental of myself about it. Maybe there is something in making a habit of trying to be 'nice to myself' even that helps with the obsessive thinking, which I think can be related to anxiety and depression because those are about trying to solve or fix the unsolvable and unfixable.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I know some people can think their way out of things, but as a person who cannot, I do almost constant sensory immersion. Some of this is made more difficult if you are caring for children. I would go on walks all the time when feeing anxious because the effort of moving my legs takes X amount of energy and it can take it away from the emotional anxiety. Also taking long baths, eating out at unexpected places, trying to do something unexpected each day that I didn't see coming when I woke up. That's the sort of stuff I do that doesn't cost money.

Edit: Interestingly enough - most any activity/skill that involves creating physical reflexes requires obsessive physical motion repetition. I'm wondering if people who get stuck in mental loops could benefit from and become brilliant at any such reflex based skill because channeling the mental loops into the concrete world with physical loops that result in mad skills could be a way to approach it? Martial arts, instrument playing, archery, dance, etc. Sometimes I've practiced shimmies for a long time when anxious and that translates well because it's like bouncing your knee when anxious - very huge correlation. Now I'm kinda good at shimmies, so I got something out of the expressing the anxiety attacks.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I can relate to the ADD and getting stuck in loops dichotomy part of it. I'm not as good with sharing generalized ideas, but can share anecdotes in a fwiw, 'take it or leave it' way.

Dancing helped me, but when I first started I knew I couldn't focus on doing it alone because a person has to feel good enough to have initiative - both mentally and physically. At first I would go to all the classes because that outside structure helped me actually do it. Leaving is dramatic, so there is a social pressure to go through with it. Even at class sometimes I would feel a kind of stress like I couldn't focus, but there was a way I had to complete the hour because it's set up and expected to do it. I ended up spending a lot of money on redundant classes instead of just practicing on my own. When low enough, it is difficult to have unstructured initiative. I find there is a kind of hope I have to feel in order to have motivation. It has to feel possible to make things better or to become better at something or as a person. When hopelessness sets in then it is hard to get the inertia.

When I made the thread "What makes you feel good about yourself?" that was me trying to regain that feeling of hope by just noticing whatever it is and then keep doing that even if it seems indulgent and lazy. I even did it when it put me into debt. I'm teetering these days and last summer I was deeply depressed, drinking enough for it to be a problem when I lived with my aunt and uncle, and I ordered about a thousand dollars worth of bellydance costumes while drunk. I did it because it gave me a feeing of hope that something beautiful was coming in the mail on Thursday. It made me want to live until Thursday or whenever. I didn't feel pretty, but it felt like if I wore the jewelry or costume that it could help me feel prettier just like crutches help you walk when your leg is broken.

What I describe here sounds like really bad advice - getting drunk and spending money, and I'm not saying it solved my problems. There is a way though it has helped me at least in principle to focus more short-term on feeling better and being non-judgmental of myself about it. Maybe there is something in making a habit of trying to be 'nice to myself' even that helps with the obsessive thinking, which I think can be related to anxiety and depression because those are about trying to solve or fix the unsolvable and unfixable.

I tend to "get out of myself" similarly... with alcohol, food, buying things for my home or trying to change my wardrobe a bit, or even just sitting in a hot bath for 2 hours. My favorite indulgent activity historically has been to drink wine and listen to music until I'm drunk enough to get up and dance, even though I have absolutely no idea how to dance and I'm awkward in my body.

I've been avoiding alcohol because I know it makes me more emotional and impulsive, and those two combined with a social life that exists only online has embarrassed me many, many times (as I'm sure you've all seen over the past 3 years, especially the first half or so of my time here).

I'm actually really financially stressed right now, with the house and other things, but that hasn't stopped me from buying expensive rugs of only natural fibers, "new" vintage clothes from overseas, unusual art, a new haircut and hair color, and a bunch of gifts for someone (which I guess was a waste). So, now I'm trying to just sit at home and not drink and deal with my internal problems, but it led to the feelings and thoughts that inspired me to make this thread. I guess it's probably another "processing aloud" effort to figure out what's "wrong" with me and what's just me.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

Nope. Can't relate to this in the slightest.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Even though we all have different experiences or interpretations of this, I'm glad people are sharing.

 

[cascadeco]

The 'result' I think is the same, of being 100% inwards and 'stuck' in ones head, but it's a very different process for me/ trap. I never have the compulsion to binge or try to distract with learning things, flicking through youtube, seeking out stimulus, etc; rather I enter more of a catatonic state of trying to clear my mind / not think of anything, and then mindlessly refresh a screen out of boredom/ hope for stimulus. But I don't go seeking it out. I suppose I sit and bask in my doing-nothingness.

And I've gone through somewhat lengthy periods (coming out of one, just recently) of even when at work, choosing to stay in my head and not 'deign' to partake in convo or whatever - just stay quiet. Just seemed to take too much energy or just be something I had no interest in doing, so I just stayed in my embittered head-commentary.

For me, though again it sounds like my path is of a different nature than yours, some of it is just forcing discipline - the minute I really consciously notice I'm just refreshing a screen because I can't think of anything else to do, I just force myself to stop it and immediately log out of whatever website it is. And, it's simply more effortful on my part -- to proactively read books more, I've even started really enjoying working jigsaw puzzles (which I never used to do) - and honestly spent like eight hours on one of my days off doing that. For me, at least, that is a much better alternative to 'just being in my head' or mindlessly flicking from one website to the next. Sure, I suppose I'm thinking about stuff while doing it, and I get up every so often to do something else, but it's a good alternative. My excuse earlier on when rationalizing remaining in an internal catatonic state was that 'It's not like I can come up with anything better / I'd be Doing something else if I had something else I wanted to do' --- but in reality there's always something better/different to do. Even if it's just a puzzle. Anything to shake things up and add variety, I think, can be beneficial, whatever it is.

And of course when it comes to things like externalizing more at work, or willingly exiting your headspace in favor of extroversion and interaction, there's not an easy solution to that; it might be a product of a healing/transition of more complex things going on -- mindframes, overall emotional states that impact desire or ability to interact, might not have an easy 'fix' -- and it's not like one's perception can just change instantaneously. So that sort of thing comes I think from reaching a point inwardly where you no longer WANT or NEED to be internal as much, any longer.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

[MENTION=1206]cascadeco[/MENTION] - That's a good point about self-discipline, which is something I clearly lack (in this process at least). It reminds me a bit of an article I read recently that attributed procrastination to an issue with emotional regulation instead of self-control/time management. Basically procrastination is an avoidance of uncomfortable feelings, but is also something that leads to more uncomfortable feelings (like anxiety, disappointment, stress, feeling like a failure, etc). Thus, it is actually a cycle of failing to manage uncomfortable feelings and a form of self-harm. I think it makes sense to an extent, and in order to learn to be more disciplined, one has to face the uncomfortable feelings and do the things that they don't want to do (which could also extend to trying new things).

Here it is:
Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control) - The New York Times

 

[cascadeco]

[MENTION=1206]cascadeco[/MENTION] - That's a good point about self-discipline, which is something I clearly lack (in this process at least). It reminds me a bit of an article I read recently that attributed procrastination to an issue with emotional regulation instead of self-control/time management. Basically procrastination is an avoidance of uncomfortable feelings, but is also something that leads to more uncomfortable feelings (like anxiety, disappointment, stress, feeling like a failure, etc). Thus, it is actually a cycle of failing to manage uncomfortable feelings and a form of self-harm. I think it makes sense to an extent, and in order to learn to be more disciplined, one has to face the uncomfortable feelings and do the things that they don't want to do (which could also extend to trying new things).

Here it is:
Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control) - The New York Times

I admit time management/ self discipline has never been the hurdle for me that I know it is for a lot of people, but yes, I have read and/or heard similar to what you have posted here.

For me, I guess it is often more pragmatic - 'I don't really want to do this, but I also know that if I don't do it right now then it just means I'll have to do it tomorrow or the next day, and then I'll have an added level of anxiety/prodding in my head on top of already not really wanting to do it, so I'm just gonna force myself to and be done with it; I know I will have the reward of being proud of myself for getting it done even if I didn't want to do it' (and that positive 'pride' or satisfaction emotion is a very real thing, for me, at least - it's almost a - 'Ha! So there! I did it! Yay me. ). But too - and not saying I'm unique in this, as everyone faces unpleasantries - I'm pretty good at stuffing my actual feelings and doing stuff I'm not really wanting to do. NOT that this is a good thing relationally, half of the time, but the other half of the time it's very good.

Also -- old habits die hard. Sometimes it can take time -- sometimes a lot of time -- to really tweak thought processes that are currently welded into your brain. A starting point is - even if let's say you only do it 15% of the time - heck, I'll be easy on you, 3% of the time -- that's 3% more than current, and it IS some level of change. It's a starting point.

 

[Pionart]

I find that I just need to be working towards a goal, making moves forward, and I'm alright. (There are more important spiritual factors, but I don't think now is the time for that)

There are certain aspects of what you described that will be just "how you are" and don't need to be changed, whereas other aspects are things that can be worked out. Perhaps you don't need to be fully immersed in what you're doing, but nonetheless there is a hunger present where you feel that you should be doing more than you are currently doing, and that is likely accurate. You mentioned a couple times about things that would make a desired change but which you cannot get yourself to do, so perhaps start by giving a go to the things that you already know you could be doing. Push through your inertia in the direction that you already think you should be going. Unless there is some other reason you don't do it?

 

[á´…eparted]

@Peter Deadpan have you ever heard of something called a hyperstimulus or supernormal stimulus? If not give it a read and see if there is anything in this that feels familiar or resonates in some way.

I feel like in may respects I have always been driven towards seeking things that go in this direction, kinda endlessly to infinity. Almost like a normal stimulus is boring, and this supernormal is therefore more desirable and sort of being unaware that it could potentially be a problem or lead to deadining of regular everyday things by comparison to how things could be in an idealized state.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

@Peter Deadpan have you ever heard of something called a hyperstimulus or supernormal stimulus? If not give it a read and see if there is anything in this that feels familiar or resonates in some way.

I feel like in may respects I have always been driven towards seeking things that go in this direction, kinda endlessly to infinity. Almost like a normal stimulus is boring, and this supernormal is therefore more desirable and sort of being unaware that it could potentially be a problem or lead to deadining of regular everyday things by comparison to how things could be in an idealized state.

I would say it resonates with junk food (I've long said that I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a salt tooth, and the fast food habits to match), and with the internet, where I also openly confess to being addicted to my phone. The part about using the internet as a distraction to the point where not enough time is dedicated to doing things I would have previously (pre smart phones) spent ample time on (like even just sitting and having a worthwhile and deeply insightful or creative think). I can clearly remember those times and how much more at peace, level, and intelligent/intuitive I was. Bath time was just bath time because I didn't have a phone. I could grocery shop without having to check ads for price comparisons, or comparing something in Target to the Amazon. I am always complaining about how much I hate technology because it really weighs on me in a manner that can sometimes fry my nervous system, but I'm still addicted.

The timing of this discussion is good because I've been making these sorts of connections with more insight and clarity lately, and I've put some effort into Powering Off so that I can update my own software through more dedicated, thorough reflection and thought expansion.